First relationship with a Chinese girl, advice..

[steve_77]

Please excuse this as it may be a bit of a long posting, but I’ve just recently started a relationship with a Chinese girl, and have some questions that the folks on here could give some insight into.

About 2 years ago, I met a Chinese girl on the net. At the time, I was in the states with an American girlfriend, and her in China with a Middle Eastern boyfriend. I’m an avid fan of Chinese history, and have always wanted to learn to speak Chinese, so it was nice to have a pen-pal from China. Our contact was entirely non-romantic – the occasional “Hi, how have you been?” e-mail, chats about China, and some comfort/advice to her when her relationship failed. It was always casual and infrequent, as I never considered I’d be in Asia or meet her. As a note, I’m 29, and she’s 23.

About a year ago, I relocated to Thailand for my work. We still were in contact, and several months ago I decided to visit her. We only spent a day together, but got along perfectly. She took me around her city, paying nearly everything for me (despite my protests), giving me a tour, and we talked, getting to know each other better, finding that we have many common interests. From our chatting over the past 2 years, she remembered that I had once lost a necklace that my father had given me, and she (making little money, probably around USD 3000/year) bought me a new necklace. Needless to say, I was very touched by this.

After I returned to Thailand, we started talking every day, and decided to take a trip through China together – something we both always wanted. I considered her to be a potential girlfriend after our first meeting, and our trip confirmed it, after which we became boyfriend and girlfriend. Obviously living in two countries won’t work, so I’ve decided to enroll in a university in her city to study Chinese part-time in January.

As expected, there’s definite cultural differences, although one of the differences that I’m the most uncertain about is money. She constantly showers me with thoughtful gifts (even buying gifts for my parents), and unless I can draw my wallet and count the money faster than her, she will almost always pay for dinner, taxis, train fares, etc., to the point of almost emptying her bank account. She has never, ever once asked me for money, although she often tells me that she’s running out of money (I know it since I’ve seen her bank account), and I often get stories about boyfriends giving their girlfriends money in Chinese culture. Frequently the women in her office engage in petty contests about how much money their boyfriends pay them (the “winner” being one young office girl in a relationship with an older western man, boasting that she gets 10,000 yuan/month). It’s often mixed with stories about “her boyfriend bought her a new house”, or “her boyfriend bought her a new car”, or “she left her boyfriend for a rich man.”

My question is, in Chinese society, is it normal for boyfriends to give money to their girlfriends? She says that the money given is shared between two people in a relationship – that some would be for her parents, for herself, and some for buying food, necessities for us, or even for my expenses. Coming from the US, I’m extremely uncomfortable with the idea of simply paying a girlfriend. I’m happy to pay for rent, food, and to buy her (or even her parents) anything they need, but to blindly give a monthly salary to a girlfriend is something I’m absolutely not used to.

I do care about her very much, and her actions have shown the same to me, and we are very happy together, so the last thing I want to do is cause problems with a relationship due to cultural misunderstandings..

I’m hoping that some people could share some advice on this..

[skylee]

I don't quite understand. It seems that she makes little money, and has spent a lot when you two go out, buying presents for you and your family, etc. And you are worried about you will have to give her your money?

[steve_77]

I'm not worried that I have to give her money, I'm simply asking if it's normal practice for a boyfriend to give a girlfriend payments every month/week.

[bianfuxia]

Skylee, you have completely missed the point.

The OP clearly says:

My question is, in Chinese society, is it normal for boyfriends to give money to their girlfriends?

He goes on to say quite clearly (in answer to your question):

I’m happy to pay for rent, food, and to buy her (or even her parents) anything they need...

His question to us comes from the fact that:

Coming from the US, I’m extremely uncomfortable with the idea of simply paying a girlfriend. ...to blindly give a monthly salary to a girlfriend is something I’m absolutely not used to.

He's saying he is cool with giving her money for stuff, or buying her stuff, but he feels weird about giving her a set amount per month as though he has hired her to hang out with him. Do the dude a favour, and read his post.

Steve_77: I am a white guy with a Chinese wife. When we were dating, sometimes I paid and sometimes she paid, and we sometimes went "Dutch". It all came out in the wash. OK, it was in Australia and she was totally westernised, but she'd grown up in Hong Kong and she and her mum kept strong Chinese identities. At the time I was working and she was a student (ie had less cash than me) but that's just the way we did it.

I never heard anything along the lines of what you have described, from her or her mum.

BUT! I don't know enough about it to go beyond what I've just said. I agree, the idea of paying a woman a "salary" or allowance is either really old fashioned, or really creepy, or both.

Good luck working it all out...

[Lu]

As you know from the example of the girl in the office who is paid by her older Western BF, it does happen. Some women are 'kept' by their (richer, and usually older) boyfriends. But if, for example, two college students date, the BF will probably not give his GF money: he's not significantly richer than she. But he might for example give her presents, or take her out to dinner. It seems that in your relationship, your GF does not expect you to give her money, if that was the case she would have dumped you by now (I understand from your post that you're not giving her money).

I understand that you're not comfortable with her paying for everything, especially since she's not that rich to begin with. You can try giving her presents sometimes, and in case of diner and the like, it should help if you 1) announce before you have the meal that you will be paying, be very clear about this; 2) BE FAST when it comes to settling the bill, so that you are in fact the one paying.

Furthermore, it won't hurt to talk to her about this, to tell her that you're uncomfortable, and why, and what you two could do to resolve this.

Good luck!

[mind_wander]

Hi all,

Steve_77, I not sure how to answer this, currentl living in the US. I never been in a relationship, so maybe I will skype one of my Asian female online friends to comment on this.

However, in China, more Chinese natives are welcoming foreigners. Yes, it is common, to be more polite and inviting to foreigners, also natives will try to repay foreigners back[for some certain reasons] even, if emptying their pockets. Another, their cost of living is pretty low, as you mentioned before. When, I was reading this, it seems that you both have common interests, maybe in her mind, you are really worth it; in return showering you with gifts.

Comment: About the competition who pays for what to bf or gf, in her position having an American bf, surpasses who pays for what. Because, American has a key identity, more wealth potential, in comparing to other Chinese native bf. Steven_77, her value to you is very high[You can give her bright and joy], so she does not care about the showering gifts[Although there is a cost factor], plus the items given you is a warm welcoming, with something extra.

Majority of Asians using instant messengers: Msn messenger, Chinese QQ[very high], Skype, Gtalk. I would some of these programs, but not Chinese QQ.

[ruidianren2]

I had a Chinese Girlfriend for 3 years and I also encountered the same issues of that you speak of.Yes, in China it is pretty common that guys pay for everything and give a little extra. What you have to do is accept it to a level where you can be comfortable and don't feel that she takes advantage over you. Some girls are worse than others, the worst being girls from ShangHai. Rumor has it that girls from ShangHai are perfectly comfortable to spend all day shopping and going to hair saloons spending all their husbands money (also dont expect them to do any housework what so ever), while the husband himself works his ass off.

Here in GuangZhou, its by tradition mostly the women who controls all the familys money, since most of the time they are the ones who buys food, takes care of the children etc. Also, because they dont trust their husbands with it. Note, GZ women are known to save the money while SH women are known to spend it.

[gato]

She has never, ever once asked me for money, although she often tells me that she’s running out of money (I know it since I’ve seen her bank account), and I often get stories about boyfriends giving their girlfriends money in Chinese culture. Frequently the women in her office engage in petty contests about how much money their boyfriends pay them (the “winner” being one young office girl in a relationship with an older western man, boasting that she gets 10,000 yuan/month). It’s often mixed with stories about “her boyfriend bought her a new house”, or “her boyfriend bought her a new car”, or “she left her boyfriend for a rich man.”

It's a little weird that she's often telling you that she's running out of money and her co-workers all get money from their boyfriends. Isn't that an indirect way of asking for money?

[johnd]

It is polite in China to pay everything for your visitor. If she visits you then you would return the favour. In the long run things should balance out.

It seems by her actions that she does not want to be one of these kept women. Although they talk about it in the office, I don't think most Chinese women would view it as a respectable arrangement. In Shenzhen there are many "2nd wives" of HK businessmen, and other women will look down on them. If it does turn out that she wants to be a kept women, then I don't think this is the kind of girl you want to be with. I certainly don't think you should be offering up monthly cash.

When you are visiting her, you can try to get her some nice gifts too. And you can be more proactive in attempting to pay for things. If she won't let you pay in a restaurant, for example, you can excuse yourself to the toilet and then nip off to the cash desk to pay directly.

Good luck to you!

[studentyoung]

My question is, in Chinese society, is it normal for boyfriends to give money to their girlfriends? She says that the money given is shared between two people in a relationship – that some would be for her parents, for herself, and some for buying food, necessities for us, or even for my expenses. Coming from the US, I’m extremely uncomfortable with the idea of simply paying a girlfriend. I’m happy to pay for rent, food, and to buy her (or even her parents) anything they need, but to blindly give a monthly salary to a girlfriend is something I’m absolutely not used to.

I don't think it is normal for boyfriends to give money to heir girlfriends monthly or weekly. I haven’t heard of anything like that in Guangzhou. I just know that it is normal for boys to foot bills for girls, such as meals, clothes, cosmetics, etc. What’s more, in Guangzhou, if a girl wants to borrow money, say more than 5,000RMB (about USD 640), from her boyfriend, she will probably be asked to sign an IOY.

I do care about her very much, and her actions have shown the same to me, and we are very happy together, so the last thing I want to do is cause problems with a relationship due to cultural misunderstandings..

I’m hoping that some people could share some advice on this..

If you are so sure that the relationship is firm, how about discuss frankly with her about your views on money at the right time, so that you two can understand more on each other about money?

Thanks!

[trevelyan]

It's most likely that she's proud and doesn't want to be kept. Or doesn't want to give off the impression of looking for money... which is a really good sign about her as a person if she is worried about being misinterpreted this way. And I wouldn't be surprised at having your stuff paid for at the start or gifts for your parents -- that's hospitality for you.

I often get stories about boyfriends giving their girlfriends money in Chinese culture. Frequently the women in her office engage in petty contests about how much money their boyfriends pay them (the “winner” being one young office girl in a relationship with an older western man, boasting that she gets 10,000 yuan/month). It’s often mixed with stories about “her boyfriend bought her a new house”, or “her boyfriend bought her a new car”, or “she left her boyfriend for a rich man.”

On the other hand, if SHE is telling you these things (you didn't mention where you are hearing this) she could be trying to plant the idea in your mind or at least signal that this *is* an issue for her so that the dumb foreigner will start to pay for things. The fact that this girl was previously in a relationship with a foreigner might also mean she is consciously or unconsciously targetting foreigners for this reason.

If you get along well, I'd assume you've just found someone great. Just don't let her spend her money when you guys go out together. It is expected that you will pay for things and if she doesn't let you it's perfectly appropriate for you to fly into a tantrum or sulk or something until she gets the point. Or you can rip the money out of the hands of the waitress/salesman/whatever and force it back into her hands. They'll be expecting for you to pay as well, so it shouldn't be that hard. Just don't take no for an answer until the 10th or 11th time you hear it.

[steve_77]

Thanks for all the replies -- so it seems I'm definitely not being unreasonable by not paying a salary. I'm far more comfortable footing the bill for meals, daily expenses, paying rent, etc. -- sounds like I just need to be faster (and more aggressive/insistent) in doing so.

In any case, I will talk with her about it, at least I've got a bit of information from others to go by now.

[KIWIBOY]

Thats crazy talk paying a salary to your gf - have no part of it. What I found slightly irritating when I was dating a chinese girl is the lack of thanks for buying meals etc. She just expected it of me and complained that I never bought her presents in the beginning, regardless that it was pretty obvious I liked her alot. I can't say whether that was a chinese thing but a friend had a similar story with the whole money thing and fairly high expectations of how you should behave, be more of a man, treat me like a lady etc etc. Just look out for it, thats all I am saying - don't let my bad experience cloud your judgement.

Its my personal experience that if you give any lady too much control in the beginning, you may as well roll over and be her puppy - they love that sort of crap and will take you for a ride as much as you let them, so deal to it and tell them you don't play games - you might end up single again though !.