Meeting Chinese Girlfriend Parents

[scotboy82]

Hi

I need some advice, I am going to China next month to visit my girlfriend's parents and some of her extended family. I am 24 from the UK and she is 23. We meet in the UK where she has been a student for 3 years.

We have been going out now for over 10 months and her parents who have known about me from the start and from what I can gather they seem relatively open to our relationship.

To me it seems a bit old fashioned, but it is both my girlfriends and her parents wish to get parents permission before marriage. So when I go over it is my intention to ask her parent's permission for marriage. The problem is that neither her parents speak english and my mandarin is pretty poor at the moment.

So how best do you think to ask,

- hire a translator

- write a letter in chinese

- involve my girlfriend in the conservation

Also any advice about customs and respect when meeting a partners in China (.

her parents are from North China near Beijing). Just anything that will stop this visit turning into a chinese version of the film "Meet the Parents"!!

Thanks for reading

[imitation]

Must have a solid foundation for a relationship if your chinese girlfriend can't give you help on how to talk to her parents.

GOOD LUCK

Edit: Maybe this is unreasonable....

In my experience politeness is fairly universal they are not going to expect you to be Chinese in your customs, nor should you expect to be. But general common courtesies are universal.

But still i'm amazed that your gf can't advise you on this....

[scotboy82]

Thanks for the feedback.

My gf has given my multitudes of advice on the subject. I could probably write a book with the amount of advice I have been given !

Such as be polite, bring a present, etc etc (I could probably dedicate two chapters to chinese dining customs!)

Believe it or not, it isn't a habit of hers though to take back foriegn boyfriends to her parents! So of course this is new territory for her as well. Especially on the subject of asking for her mum dad's "permission/blessing".

So any view points from someone else is very welcome, maybe anyone being in a similar position?

Any advice greatly appreciated.

[teambridge]

Good luck to you on your great adventure.

You're asking for advice so you should get it.

Speaking as I am, an older fella, my best advice to you - should you ever require it - is the same as an older fella once gave to me. He said (in particular reference to my extremely hot Korean partner at the time),"Women are like buses, there will be another one along in a minute." There's no rush, no great need for haste, even if you feel it.

Good Chinese girls need about 2 years of hand holding before it is time to do what you are being asked. She might be running low on visa points. Brutal old bastard, aren't I?

But that would depend on where she comes from. I'm not that well travelled, so my advice may not be appropriate for your situation. But thinking marriage after only 10 months is pretty fast work. She's the right age though. They all seem to think the same about that age.

Then again, could be true love. It does happen. And true love will survive any doubt that you have or that she throws at you. If its not true, don't do it.

Don't commit yourself too soon. Find out how many of her relatives will be expecting to come to stay. You'll be marrying the family.

If she is good, she's gold, it is here, you can find it. But all that glitters ...

[bianfuxia]

Well, only you can know if it is true love. If she's lived in the UK for 3 years, perhaps she is a little more westernised and doesn't need the 2 years of hand-holding...

Speaking as a white guy with a Chinese wife, be prepared for plenty of remarks such as those above. My wife certainly wasn't a gold-digger (if anything, I married up!). But people tend to assume the worst anyway. You will also get sleazy white guys trying to bond with you because they think that like them, you have come to China just to score some Chinese p....

My advice (based on instinct, not experience, as we just got married without asking anyone) is to get her to tell you how to say "I love your daughter very much, and she loves me. With your permission, I would like to marry her. I will treat her well until the end of my days". Or something straightforward like that.

Then just memorise it and know how to say it. My guess is that you'll be able to tell from the parents' reaction even if you can't speak a word of Chinese beyond that. They'll either be horrified or happy. Your girlfriend will have to advise you about the best time to do it, and the best context (over dinner, just privately, whatever). Assuming your gf has already basically said she agrees to marry you, then you might propose to her on the spot once you have the permission. Jam that ring on her finger before the old man has a chance to change his mind.

What are you going to do if the Old Man says the Chinese equivalent of "Over My God-Damned Dead Body!"?

Good luck!

[scotboy82]

It is a shame that some negative stereotypes do exist, about chinese girls with white males, but I suppose that is just human nature. People will always make generalisations/pre judgements about people whether it be on race, age, weight, sex, location, accent.

Teambridge, you are right 10 months is generally considered quick work, but if something is right it is right. Be careful with generalisations often they can be wildy off the mark as they are in this case, you never know what you might miss out on by making generalisations! Nevertheless thanks for your concern.

Bianfuxia, in this case I am definitely marry up, in fact I will probably be the one to watch out for accusations of gold digging! This make the trip just that little more daunting.

I like the idea about memorising something, I will try that. I suppose I will know the answer by their reaction (! think a punch is universal across all cultures!!). I have know idea how these things work but I would like to get permission, then pop the question to her at a romantic time of my choosing, ie xmas day or new year day or something.

If the old man says no, then probably go back again in 6 months (if she wants) let him know that I am not going away anywhere!

[mpallard]

Irrelevant of where your gf is from are you sure you want to get married at 23? I mean once you get married it's forever and forever is one long ass time, I just don't see the point of rushing into it.

When I was 21 I had a girlfriend who I'd been dating for about 6 months and I remember telling my friends I was thinking about asking her to marry me. Thank god my friends told me that would be a retarded move and convinced me not to do it. I continued dating the same girl for a year and a half after that and only then did I begin to realize how totally incompatible we were.

So yeah, I know you're in love and no one can possibly understand how things are between you two but why don't you just date for a couple more years, maybe move in together or something.

[1on1Mandarin]

scotboy82,

It is great to hear that you may have found the one. I am in a very serious relationship with a Chinese girl from Beijing and am also very close to popping the big questions. Two main differences, however, we have been dating for over three years and I have been living in Beijing for over four years.

What am I trying to say? The Chinese culture is deep and at many times illogical to many westerners.

First, ignore all of the generalizations.

Second, I think if you know she's the one then you know. But I am gonna have to agree with some of the other posts that 10 months is a little too early for a chinese-western relationship. My experience is that many chinese girls think they are ready to get married earlier then the average westerner. Furthermore, they are more forward with letting their significant other of what they feel. Nevertheless, I think that there are some major cultural hurdles you will have to deal with when dating a chinese girl. Now obviously she speaks english, but if you Chinese is not up to snuff, I suggest that you get started. If you want her parents to respect you and truly accept you into their family you have to speak the language. I would find it very difficult and often uncomfortable if I was not able to have a good conversation with my girl's parents and relatives.

One other very important thing to consider is that Chinese like most other Asians, when you marry you marry the family. To illustrate, as you know, the family in Chinese culture is most important than anything in the world. I am not married yet, but because the seriousness of our relationship, I have already in their eyes become "part of the family". As such, I must spend time with her family and everything they do: birthday parties for every family relative (which can get quite extended), weekly dinners at her parents' house, dinners with friends, activities with friends, shopping with her and her mom, etc. I may be in a different situation than most, but i think you get my point. If you are not the family type, you better make sure that she isn't either. If you are and she isn't you might want to ask why.

Are you planning to live in the UK or move back with her to her hometown? Do you like where she lives? Will you be able to find a job in that area? I bring these questions up because, it is very possible that she is gonna move back home sometime or another, simply because it is her filial responsibility to do so, which is something you will have to respect. Can you deal with the idea that her parents will be living with you when they get old? Nursing homes are pretty much a slap in the face to the chinese elders.

Culturally speaking, there many very important things that you should think about when making this decision. I am Chinese American, grew up in a "traditional" Chinese-American home and thought I would be able to understand the Chinese culture with ease. The longer I live here and the more I become involved with her family, the more I realize that I have only scratched the surface. To be honest with you, I think that 10 months is not enough time to get even a general ballpark understanding of the 5,000 years of history that your girlfriend was raised in. You will probably never understand the 5,000 years, but you need to at least know the direction, which in many cases, is the exact opposite of the west. Granted she has lived in the UK for 3 years, and she may be more "western" than others, but my girl lived overseas for 2 years and was pretty much born "western," and is still very, very Chinese.

Don't want to discourage you with your decisions and plans because it sounds like your girl is willing to share with you the cultural differences, but like some of the other guys that have contributed to this thread, simply put, you better do your due diligence. Hearing about the culture and experiencing it is night and day. Remember that marriage is a lifetime commitment. It is better to wait another 10 months or more to make sure that she is the one, than realize 10 years after you're married that she isn't.

[stil]

Her parents will watch you carefully. When you can't communicate well, actions become much more important. Dote on your girlfriend in her home. You really can't go overboard with this. When you are eating, take food from the dishes and put it in her bowl. Be polite and smile often. If you go shopping with them, carry everything for the women. Don't ask, just take the parcels. You might be bored silly at times sitting around not understanding, but don't let them see that. Be careful of too much touching (with men it's ok). Understand if your girlfriend doesn't want to hold your hand or something like that in public. Much of it depends on where you'll be. I'm assuming her family is reasonably well off because she's been studying abroad for 3 years but if you visit a family home in the countryside it's very different. Be aware that your girfriends personality may be completely different in front of her family and in her home town. This is not unusual. You will probably be asked and be expected to answer what you will find to be very personal questions about you and your family like how much money does your father make? In China families are used to checking out potential mates by talking with the family members, co-workers, neighbours etc. They can't do that with you, so will ask you directly.

Good Luck

stil

[sarahkuang]

Nobody understand what her parents like better than your girlfriend! While you meeting her family, ask your girlfriend's advice, even something you think is minor. Review your dining customs before you have a meal with them. Her parents knew you at the beginning and you are going to meet them, you are on the way of getting permission. Do you homework, you can get it!

[scotboy82]

Excellent, thanks for all the advice, I will try and take it all onboard.

My experience of chinese culture is limited to my gf and to what I have read. I am trying to immerse myself as much as possible and have been learning chinese for the last 5 months. Probably up to the level of a 2 year old at the moment though!

I imagine I will be in for a big culture shock when I get there. But the fact that it is so family oriented really appeals to me, I come from a close knit family so someone, like my gf, who has strong famiily values is a big plus.

I think having a partner from another culture or location is always going to bring some sort of strain. Someone is always going to have to make some sort of sacrifice at some point. But we are both pretty aware of that, but whether we can stand the test of time is of course another matter, but I strongly believe or wouldn't be considering the matter of marriage.

Thanks again for the support and I will try and post after my trip. Hopefully not to outline too many pitfalls and horror stories!!

[simonlaing]

Hi Scott,

I hope you get this in time, agree with stills the family will be looking at the little things. When they put something in your bowl to eat you should try to eat it though after say you can eat it yourself, they are likely to make you try all the dishes.

Small things like changing shoes, when you come in (if they do that) and dealing with little problems well (i.e. not complaining or criticizing chinese things much) Don't be horrified at squat public toilets they're everywhere in CHina.

Other proactive things, giving complements to the mother's cooking. Drinking Baijiu with the father (if you can handle it) or just showing you care about the daughter and can take care of her. Talking about stable job offers even if you are not sure what you want to do will reassure them.

Also if you are going during spring festival, giving a red packet of money to the parents or grandparents even jsut 200 yuan will be noticed.

Anyway, good luck,

Simon:)