Can we translate poems in such a way?

[purepearl]

by Jeffrey Yang

BAMBOO DWELLING

Sitting alone within a hidden bamboo

grove plucking the qin repeating long

howls in a deep forest no one knows

bright moon illuminates the harmony

How do you like it? Jeffrey Yang claims that by leaving large blanks and with a rectangular form, this kind of translation can get the musical beauty of Chinese ancient poems across to the English readers.

Why is it that this forum cannot allow blanks in the sentences. If you like it, here is a reference for you about Jeffrey Yang and his other translation:

http://www.wordswithoutborders.org/article.php?lab=SongTang

[Altair]

I checked the hyerlink. Using spacing and the square shapes is an interesting idea. I have to say, however, that they do not capture the flavor of the Chinese for me. I also have too much of a western sense of poetry and normally give little thought to the visual shape of the poem. The idea of spacing does captures some of the ambiguity of the Chinese, but I find the balance between interest and confusion not always to be ideal.

When I read the Chinese poem, I get a sense of complactness, rhythm and regularity. Here is my feeble attempt, which tries to adapt the idea of spacing, but which also strives to give a sense of the regularity of the verse structure.

Lone seat------------within secluded groves

Lute crooning-----------out repeated whails

Deep woods--that none are here to know

Bright Moon-------that gives a shine to all.

By the way, here is the original Chinese I found:

竹裏館

王維

獨坐幽篁裏

彈琴復長嘯

深林人不知

明月來相照