Poetry translation suggestion

[againstwind]

About half a month ago, I attempted to translate a poetry of Canadian poet Daryl Hine. So here it is.

Echo 回声 ①

by Daryl Hine [加拿大]达里尔.海因

Echo that loved hid within a wood 回声爱躲藏在林中

Would to herself rehearse her weary woe: 为自己复述那久已倦乏的哀愁：

O, she cried, and all the rest unsaid 哦，她在哭泣，剩下难以言说的话语

Identical came back in sorry echo. 在若隐若现中，遗憾地回响。

Echo for the fix that she was in 回声呆呆地立在那儿

Invisible, distraught by mocking passion, 让她变得狂乱、透明的是所爱之人的戏仿，

Passionate, ignored, as good as dumb, 那人充满激情，却对她视而不见、无言无语，

Employed that O unchanged in repetition. 那笑声，哦，像个受雇的家伙，亘古不变地重复，重复，重复……

Shun love if you suspect that he shuns you, 逃离爱情吧，如果你怀疑他在躲避你，

Use with him no reproaches whatsoever. 善待他，不要有怨言。

Ever you knew, supposing him to know 因为你一直都明白，想来他也如此，

No melody from which you might recover- 你，终究无法重现一首完整的旋律。

Cover your ears, dear Echo, do not hear. 覆住你的耳朵，亲爱的回声，不要去听。

Here is no supplication but your own, 此间无他，唯有你自己的哀求，

Only your sighs return upon the air 唯有你叹息的旋律在脱口而出之前

Ere their music from the mouth be gone. 徘徊于天际。

选自《木马》，1965

Daryl Hine, “Echo” from Wooden Horses (New York: Atheneum Publishers, 1965).

①译者自注：

回声的英文单词是echo。在古希腊神话中Echo（厄科）本是一位山泽女神的名字。关于她的传说有很多，其中最具伤感色彩的一则是这样的：Echo被天后赫拉（Hera）剥夺了说话的能力，只能重复别人的话。这个缺陷使她失去了美少年纳西色斯（Narcissus）的爱情，于是厄科不断憔悴消损，最后她向阿芙罗狄忒（Aphrodite）祈求死亡。出于对她声音的喜爱，爱与美之神拒绝了她的祈求并让她化为回声，在山林之中永远徘徊。

Due to interest on poems all along and appreciation of this poem, the idea of translation came into my mind. Then I googled if anyone had translated this poem into Chinese, fortunately no one. So I did.

As you know, translation is always quite a difficult work, especially for poetry. It is said that poem translation is precisely like the version that loses half meaning of the original. Though it is very reasonable, I still persisted in doing the labored work with reverence and awe.

I couldnt ensure that I understood some words' meanings correctly, especially the whole 2nd section. So I translated them according to my comprehension and Chinese practice.

Any suggesion is appreciated.

[semantic nuance]

Hi againstwind,

你翻得很美, 譯詩本來就不易, 我認為你翻得很好. 不過有幾行我想提出一些想法, 你可以參考一下.

O, she cried, and all the rest unsaid 這裡O 應該是它的嘆息, 不見得是哭泣, 可能是一種吶喊或呻吟. all the rest unsaid 因為一言難盡, 所以只能以o 來表現. 所以我認為 all the rest unsaid傾向是一言難盡.

Echo for the fix that she was in 這裡in a fix 的意涵是陷入一種困難裡, 特別是指自己招惹來的問題.

Employed that O unchanged in repetition. Echo 只能沿用O的嘆息, 不住地覆頌, 所以應該不是指笑聲, 而是指被人傷害之後除了嘆息還是嘆息.

supposing him to know 這裡我也不確定, 感覺好像是 '假定他也明白' , 但是我不是很確定, 也許你的詮釋是對的.

No melody from which you might recover-你無法從任何的美妙旋律獲得醫治 (恢復以往的神采等等之類的 )

以上是我的拙見, 還望海涵.

[studentyoung]

againstwind，我也有一些自己的想法，请你不妨参考参考。

请先看看下面这篇文章：

http://cache.baidu.com/c?word=%B9%C5%3B%CF%A3%C0%B0%3B%C9%F1%BB%B0%3B%D6%D0%3Becho&url=http%3A//blog%2Esina%2Ecom%2Ecn/u/4b403f51010006i0&p=8c3dc64ad5c900fb08e2957d454185&user=baidu

O, she cried, and all the rest unsaid 這裡O 應該是它的嘆息, 不見得是哭泣, 可能是一種吶喊或呻吟. all the rest unsaid 因為一言難盡, 所以只能以o 來表現. 所以我認為 all the rest unsaid傾向是一言難盡.

“一言难尽”这四个字太精彩了！另外，我也倾向于认同cried这里不是指“哭泣”，而是类似于“白杨村里人呜咽，青枫林下鬼吟哦”的凄厉呼叫、心酸呻吟。Cried这里译做“呜咽”似乎更贴切些。

Echo for the fix that she was in 這裡in a fix 的意涵是陷入一種困難裡, 特別是指自己招惹來的問題.

同意！原句的意思可能是：回声在僵局中无法自拔。

No melody from which you might recover-你無法從任何的美妙旋律獲得醫治 (恢復以往的神采等等之類的 )

同意！可能原句的意思是：唱啥调子也治不好单相思。

一天，Echo带着无法遏止的爱，紧紧地跟在Narcissus的身后，希望他能注意到自己，然后接受自己这颗爱他爱到痴迷、爱到发狂的心。林中的脚步声惊动了Narcissus，他转身喊出一句：Who is here?Echo欣喜万分，她多想告知Narcissus她的心意，但是她没有正常的说话能力，只能重复念叨着别人的话“here..here..”。对美丽女子的倾慕，Narcissus早已见惯不怪了。对她们，他总是高傲地一笑，无情地拒绝。这次也不例外：I don't love you. Echo含着泪，口中却只能重复着：“love you..love you..”。她渴望说出的句子啊，此时却变成了伤口上的一把盐。

Invisible, distraught by mocking passion：这里invisible似乎不是指“透明”，而是“无形间的”，整个句子说的是：无形间，回声被激情所伤，抓心挠肺，狂乱不已。

Passionate, ignored, as good as dumb：这句似乎是说：回声含情默默，却倍受冷落，偏偏好似哑吧一样，有苦难言。

Employed that O unchanged in repetition：这句似乎是说：回声有苦难言，却又只能无耐地一次次地重复。

我按照上面的思路，稍稍修改了一下你的译文：

Echo that loved hid within a wood 回声爱躲藏在树林

Would to herself rehearse her weary woe: 为自己复述那久已倦乏的哀愁：

O, she cried, and all the rest unsaid 哦，她在呜咽，多少衷肠一言难尽

Identical came back in sorry echo. 在一成不变的遗憾中，回旋不息。

Echo for the fix that she was in 回声陷入僵局里

Invisible, distraught by mocking passion, 无形间，她被激情所伤，狂乱不已

Passionate, ignored, as good as dumb, 含情默默，倍受冷落，真个哑巴吃黄连

Employed that O unchanged in repetition. 还得一遍又一遍地重复——亘古不变！

Shun love if you suspect that he shuns you, 逃离爱情吧，如果你怀疑他在躲避你，

Use with him no reproaches whatsoever. 善待他吧，不要有怨言。

Ever you knew, supposing him to know 因为你一直都明白，想来他也如此，

No melody from which you might recover- 你的单相思，无歌可治。

Cover your ears, dear Echo, do not hear. 捂住你的耳朵，亲爱的回声，不要去听。

Here is no supplication but your own, 此间无他，唯有你自己的哀求，

Only your sighs return upon the air 唯有你叹息的旋律在脱口而出之前

Ere their music from the mouth be gone. 徘徊于天际。

以上就是我的拙见，多有唐突，还望雅量海涵！

Thanks!

[gato]

Use with him no reproaches whatsoever. 善待他吧，不要有怨言。

Ever you knew, supposing him to know 因为你一直都明白，想来他也如此，

No melody from which you might recover- 你的单相思，无歌可治。

I think "Use with him no reproaches" is meant as "don't say anything more; he won't answer anyway' (take a look at "mocking passion/Passionate, ignored, as good as dumb" above).

Only your sighs return upon the air 唯有你叹息的旋律在脱口而出之前

Ere their music from the mouth be gone. 徘徊于天际。

I think "Ere their music from the mouth be gone" means that "soon enough, you'll forget about this and will no longer be distraught." "their music" refers to "your sighs."

加油!

Here is some info about Daryl Hine, by the way.

http://www.bookrags.com/biography/william-daryl-hine-dlb/

(William) Daryl Hine Biography

[studentyoung]

I think "Use with him no reproaches" is meant as "don't anything more to him; he won't answer anyway' (take a look at "mocking passion/Passionate, ignored, as good as dumb" above).

啊，知道了。就把 “Use with him no reproaches whatsoever” 译为 “让他去吧，莫以苛责回敬”。

I think "Ere their music from the mouth be gone" means that "soon enough, you'll forget about this and will no longer be distraught." "their music" refers to "your sighs."

这个嘛 ~ ~， 莫非你是说：

Only your sighs return upon the air 就让你的叹息，在脱口而出之前

Ere their music from the mouth be gone. 回归天际。

Thanks!

[againstwind]

谢谢诸位！

你们的几处指点非常中肯，一方面既让我豁然开朗，另一方面又使我深感汗颜。看来自己的修为还不够啊。我会认真考虑推敲的。

仍然欢迎大家继续批评指正。再次感谢！

[semantic nuance]

Invisible, distraught by mocking passion：这里invisible似乎不是指“透明”，而是“无形间的”，整个句子说的是：无形间，回声被激情所伤，抓心挠肺，狂乱不已。

我有不同的看法. 我覺得 invisible 指的是 Echo 像是隱形一樣的, 儘管自己對人深情以對, 乃至掏心挖肺, 但仍是落花有意, 流水無情. 這裡可以與下一行的Passionate, ignored, as good as dumb 相呼應. 我的想法是: To ingore somebody (something) is to make somebody (something) visibly invisible. 換句話說, 漠視就是可見而不見. 所以我傾向認為 invisible 是 '沒人看見' Echo 的椎心刺痛.

To againstwind: 我覺得這是很好的嘗試, 希望你可以多將英文詩作譯成中文, 嘉惠學習英文的人. 希望不久可以再看到你的作品. 加油加油!!