Real Friends in China -- Is it possible?

[kdavid]

Though I'm sure it is possible, I'm exceptionally upset right now.

My girlfriend (and co-worker) has just left me to move back home. Her parents refuse to accept our almost-one-year relationship (we've been living together for 9 months) because I am not Chinese.

On top of this, the rest of my co-workers, who up to today were my closest friends, and whom I considered my family here in China, went behind my back and lied to my face to persuade my girlfriend to side with her parents and leave me to return home. When I asked if I were Chinese would this change anything, I was told it would change everything.

Though the wound is still fresh, I'm taking this as a blatant display of racism--those who I considered to be my friends and family cannot accept me as a "normal human being" for the sheer fact that I am not Chinese.

I guess what I'm looking for is a bit of support and perhaps some stories of your experience in regards to this type of situation.

[rootfool]

Sorry to hear that...And I want to say something to you , not for your girlfriend or her parents,but for chinese custom.

Maybe in many westen people's thought,marrige is just a thing with oneself.But in chinese now,many people still regard their parents' opinions as important reference.This is come of antiquated tradition.Although it's changed much,it's not enough to accept a foreigner for most of the family.So,forgive your girlfriends.

The reason that "you're not a chinese",I think is because in the ninetieth many material girls wanted to marry with foreigner for their wealth who mostly were deceived.In view of this,it's normal that her parents don't trust you.

If you love your girlfriend and want to live with her,i suggest you contact with her parents to show you are sincere.Hope my analysis is useful for your situation.

[dan ni er]

Sorry to hear your experience mate - I really feel for you.

I, like you, have pondered whether it's possible to have "real" friends in China - if it's not people wanting to use you to practice English, they want some kind of monetary gain from you. However, I have come to the conclusion that it's possible to find real friends in China (and I speak from experience), but can understand that it may not feel like this for you at the moment.

I think you're correct that, especially when it comes to relationships between foreigners and Chinese girls, the Chinese can show a racist streak. My girlfriend assures me that this comes from the fact that they have seen western guys take advantage of Chinese girls; however, i personally don't subscribe to this notion. There's nothing Chinese guys hate more than to see a western guy with a Chinese girl!

Hope things improve for you and you can find some real friends.

dan ni er

[chrisb]

Go to www.nomoremrniceguy.com, check out the forums there. The probability is that your GF screwed up, but it's no reflection on you. Sure, you're not perfect, but nobody is...

[onebir]

Very depressing story. Is part of the problem that Chinese parent have so much control over adult kids, & so the kids end up acting in accordance with their parents old-fashioned attitudes?

kdavid - did you ask what your coworkers would have done if the parents had approved of you? Perhaps the fact that you were non-Chinese was only a problem for the parents & the co-workers did what they did out of a belief that parents know best (old-fashioned and naive though that may seem) & do consider you a normal human being... I don't know if that'll make resenting them less or trusting them again any easier though.

[carlo]

I experienced something like this many years ago, though I was in England (I was a foreigner there too :-) and those who I had come to think of as my closest friends kind of stabbed me in the back. This girl I was seeing at the time managed to convince my own friends that I was not a "nice" person (God knows how or why) and they sided with her at once, despite having known me for years. It hurt.

It's easy in this type of situations to think of the bad guys in the story as "those racist bastards", even though possibly xenophobia is not the real issue. It's obvious that they could never see me as one of 'them', because my background, class, education, accent, even religious beliefs were different. The problem is that I never thought for a second that those differences mattered, while obviously they did, and we never found out until it was too late. If there is a morale to this story, it should be: 患难见真情 (only when bad things happen you will find out who your real friends are).

[trevelyan]

This sort of thing happens when you date coworkers. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that all of the Chinese employees view the company as a more long-term employer than you do.

Think about it. Even if one of them thinks you're right, siding with here-today-gone-tomorrow foreigner against their colleagues isn't a good career move. If you want to keep dating this girl, you should play down the drama by avoiding any mention of your private life together when at the office.

[elina]

My girlfriend (and co-worker) has just left me to move back home. Her parents refuse to accept our almost-one-year relationship (we've been living together for 9 months) because I am not Chinese.

I think there’s some problem between yourselves, i.e. you and your girlfriend, not simply caused by her parents’ refusing foreigners. Otherwise, she would not have been living with you together for 9 months without her parents’ permission at that time.

This girl I was seeing at the time managed to convince my own friends that I was not a "nice" person (God knows how or why) and they sided with her at once, despite having known me for years. It hurt.

It really hurt. I think there’re people only judging person who is “domestic”, and who is “foreign”, personally I don’t like the idea. I’m too busy to read your blog any more, but I remember I have seen a post in your blog long time ago, which said you have a “wonderful” 眼神/ eyes’ expression. And usually I trust people with that kind of 眼神, so I think you’re a nice person. Ha ha, it’s kind of joke, I also judge from your posts and blog.

[赫杰]

I’m too busy to read your blog any more, but I remember I have seen a post in your blog long time ago,

Quite, Carlo, please update your blog as soon as you 闲下来, don't keep your readers waiting too long now! I'll be looking forward to it.

kdavid -

So...real friends in China huh? Yes, it is possible. But it depends on a few things, first try to be the person who you would like to make friends with, because in most cases good people will attract good friends. Second, don't have your expectations too high, China is China, it is a country and you know what? It's just not easy being a "good" person, no matter where you are from. Lots of bad eggs here, but there are a lot of good ones too (no matter how it seems), you just gotta take things as they come. Finally, once you find a good egg, stick with him/her as much as possible, because again usually good eggs will attract other good eggs for you to play with. However, you might find yourself happier with just one or two very close friends, instead of keeping many people that you merely know.

Now about the girl...dude, what can I say? It's a bummer, but that is life. Well, here are my two-cents for what it is worth, first, do not go down without at least putting up some kind of fight, if she means anything to you that is. Every foreign married couple I have talked to here, in every single case, the guy said he had to first win over the girl's mother (not father) before getting consent for the daughter. And I imagine this is no easy task. When you speak to her parents, just try to be yourself, speak from your heart, and make sure they know you are capable of taking care of her.

Also, along with what Elina said, this is has got be a concerted effort. So, if your gf really really cares for you, she will do everything in her power first before completely submitting to her parents. And if she does not do this...then maybe it is time for you to move on, forget her, and find someone that likes you as much as you like her, because these feelings should be reciprocal.

Best.