What to expect in marriage

[WVU9903]

My gf and I are looking at possibly getting married. She is from China and I am from the US. I am 22 years old and will receive my degree at the end of next year. She is 29 years old and speaks English really well. If we get married she would move to the US with me instead of the latter. I was wondering what difficulties we should be prepared to face and what to expect. Thanks.

[madizi]

What I'm about to say may be inappropriate and I apoligize in advance.

How good do you know your gf? I'm asking because there were many stories about girls who have married with men form Europe or America just to get citizenship, green card or something similar (or to live at expense of their "rich" husbands). After this girls got what they wanted, they left/divorced their husbands and went on to live free life in a "promised land".

[kdavid]

My fiance and I are also planning to get married, but not for another 4 - 5 years.

The main reason we're waiting so long is because we want to get married in the States. This makes the legal process of securing her green card much easier, and much, much quicker.

I researched through a friend of mine that had gone through the same exact process and he told me of a friend of his that got married in China. It took his friend 12 years to get his wife home due to China's slow marriage certification / green card process. Now, of course this is quite a long time, and I'm sure not all cases are like this. Nonetheless, I don't want to be put either of us in a situation where a) I'm forced to stay in China longer than I have to, B) we're seperated for an extended period of time.

Apparently, if you take her in on a K1 fiance visa and get married in the States, the process to secure her green card only takes up to a year. Otherwise, you're at the Chinese government's mercy.

Now, getting the K1 fiance visa is a bit trickier. You'll need to show proof that the two of you have been together for awhile and are serious about your relationship. You'll need pictures of you with her family, bank account information (preferably in an established joint bank account in the States), and go through a lengthy interview process.

Hope this helps! Good luck

[gato]

I was wondering what difficulties we should be prepared to face and what to expect.

It sounds like you are not ready or still have doubts. Probably should wait until you are absolutely sure.

[jasonsimon]

http://dianefaganshusband.com/

This guy got seriously tricked by his chinese bride. Surprisingly, at the end of the article he still says if you have a chinese immigrant fiance to go ahead and marry her. He said, even though his chinese wife ruined him financially and left him once she got citizneship, he was still very happy with chinese women and loved the chinese culture. He also talks about the immigration process and says that it took 7 years to get his wife citizenship.

[madizi]

Of course. Why should someone hate one culture and its people because someone tricked him/her? Didn't read his story yet, but if he said that he still likes Chinese culture, then he is broad minded person.

Hope that I didn't have said that too early, first I have to read his story.......

[Lu]

After reading that story, I thought two things:

What a thoroughly good guy that man is (judging from his story), he helps his wife where he can, and even after she leaves he doesn't bear any grudges and continues to try to be good to her.

If the woman in the story, and other women in similar situations, would just be honest about it, it wouldn't be so bad. You help me get citizenship, and in exchange I'll treat you well and make you happy for the years it will take me to get it. I bet there are plenty of men who wouldn't mind such an arrangement. The guy in the story's main regret seems to be that he was misled into thinking it was forever, that he would have liked to be settled by now, with house, wife and kids, and that she took that opportunity from him.

[madizi]

I wonder, are there stories what happened to such kind of women later, after they left their husbands. Are they happy? Do they lead normal life or just go and cheat another man? I don't think that this women are totally without feelings and unable to feel real love....

[MartinF]

My advice is to not rush into marriage. You are only 22. Wait until 25 at least. The longer you wait the more chance that your wife is serious about you.

I know it's hard to think logically when you are in love. I'm in a similar situation. But you have to use your head. The one on your shoulders.

The guy in the story may just have a failed marriage. If somebody stays with somebody 7 years then I think that's a serious commitment. Their marriage may have just failed over time. Many people cheat on their spouses, it's quite typical. He sounds like he was too nice to her and may have driven her away. I'm not saying she didn't see benefits to being married to him, but he got benefits too. It was probably an even exchange, in a sense. Nobody can expect a lifelong marriage under any circumstances.

I also like helping people who don't have the advantages that I have had. So there's definitely some satisfaction in doing that. My girlfriend is a young Mongolian who is going to come and live with me in London, if she can get a student visa. But I've told her I don't want to get married and that's final. If she dumps me after getting established here then that's a risk I am willing to take. I will just pick myself up and move on. This guy in the story sounds way too obsessive. He should have moved on already. 36 is definitely not too old for a man to move on.

anyway, good luck with whatever you decide.

Martin

[novemberfog]

EDIT: I'm just reread what I wrote last night and my grammar is atrocious! I have to remember to not make long posts late in the evening. Sorry about that everyone. I'll leave it as is, because hopefully the ideas are still conveyed.

I'm not so sure about the marriage for a visa and what not. Personally I have seen a man destroyed by a woman from HK in her quest for a new life in another country. I have also seen very happy couples as well. I don't really want to comment on this topic though, I would like to address the original question.

What can you expect from marriage? In general though, I think the following are relevant issues for most people.

1) The meaning of marrige in a culture

In each culture marriage plays a certain role in the society. I have noticed in the USA it is quite common for people to get married at a young age. These days, both wife and husband both seem to want careers as well. In Asia, however, people often get married at a later age in life. Also, in some cultures there are assumed roles, such as a bread-winner and a home-carer. In Japan, for example, dating can last years, but after marriage, it is not uncommon for the first child to follow within 12 months. Marriage normally signifies the beginning of a new family. Of course it is not also so, but this is very common.

The best thing to do is talk with your future spouse about what marriage means to you both as well as your families.

2) Age

She is 29 and you are 22, and there is nothing wrong with that at all. However, when moving from the dating stage to the marriage stage, you have to start thinking about where you are in your lives. It sounds like you a typical American college student, so perhaps you will be finishing school and looking for your first real professional job soon. The transition from student to the real world is different for everyone. But you are just starting your transition to the "real world". A lot may surprise you; a lot may disappoint you.

Your future wife is 29 and she has lived out her twenties and perhaps she is looking to settle down. Perhaps she wants to settle down and even have a family? Or, if she doesn't now, when her friends and people around her start having children perhaps she will change her mind.

So if you do choose to get married, before you get married you should probably make sure it is clear what you both expect from the marriage. It is probably also a good idea to talk about things like your personal timeframe for things like having children or returning to school or whatever. Talking about this beforehand can help a lot in understanding what you both hope for your marriage.

3) Which country and the visas

If you marry your girlfriend in China it is possible for you both to move to the USA later. The immigration process is documented and while it does take time (about a year), it is not an unreasonable time to wait if you plan for it. I don't know about the process for China, but there are many foreigners married to Chinese women who are living on a spousal visa, so it must not be too difficult. Do you homework and make sure you understand both processes just in case.

If you have ever felt like you might like to live in China, it will be a lot easier for you to try it as a young man without a family or without a career yet. If you work in the USA for years working on a career, it can be difficult to relocate to a new country and continue your career. It might require a career change into a field you might not care for. Or maybe you can continue career. It is just worth the time to consider if you feel like you'd like to try life in China, and when you think that would be.

4) The in-laws

When many people are young they think that love will conquer everything. The truth is as one advances through life, the role family plays becomes even more important, especially once having children comes into the scene. This is often a problem in international marriages because of cultural differences in the way two families feel a child should be raised.

In general the best thing to do is make a good relationship with your in-laws. You should learn to be able to communicate with the in-laws in a casual manner. It helps them to get to know you and it makes you less foreign. So while you don't need to learn to read Chinese, you should be working on conversational Mandarin or whatever dialect that her family uses. You don't have to be an expect, but being able to talk with her family and understand what they are saying can help you understand them. Communicating with them also helps them to understand you. I know you say your girlfriend speaks really good English, but you should make it a goal not to depend on her always. She may not translate everything they say as she might worry what her family says might offend you or hurt you.

5) communcation issues

Whether she comes to live in the USA or you go to live in China, one of you will be the non-native and thus at a disadvantage. What native takes for granted, the non-native may not understand. So it is very important to communicate well with your spouse. You cannot assume things, you cannot expect to laugh at the same jokes and you cannot expect, and at all times you must both be patient with each other.

Again, I would say that it would be helpful to speak her language. Speaking and living in a foreign language all day requires more energy and attention than the same in one's native tounge, and sometimes at the end of the day it can help to be able to speak in one's native language. Learning language also helps you to understand culture as well, so I think it is a good idea to learn your spouse's language at least at a daily conversation level.

Even if you don't learn her language though, you should just try hard to keep the communication flowing.

---

I am sorry I couldn't add anything specific about Chinese culture. Perhaps some other board members can make a comment about this? I have just heard from an American guy once that Chinese mother-in-laws are very powerful and assertive.

[owshawng]

dude, how much time have you spent with her? not just chatting online, but actually face to face? How do you know you aren't being used for a green card? What if she is really serious? She is almost 30, if she wants kids she'll probably want to start soon. You're only 22, you probably don't even know who you really are yet.

that dianeshusband guy was so naive. She was conning him from the moment they met.

[WVU9903]

thanks for the advice

basically, I lived in China for some time because I was studying there and that is where we met. I know some mandarin, but it's just enough to get around. We were close when I lived up there, we spent almost all of our time together outside of school and work.

[simonlaing]

This post is split into 2 part 1.

Hi WV,

I have a couple of friends who are in the same situation as you. Being in their early 20s with wives or fiancee's 5-7 years older. Part of it is natural as Chinese undergraduate students and recent grads can be very imature and still often controlled by their parents.

There is a Chinese pressure for the chinese women to have children between 25-30. So you should discuss your expectations with your fiancee about when you're going to have kids, and how you're going to raise them etc..

There are some people who change to fill what they think a person should be like after marriage. And some people who try to change their spouse after marriage to get rid of bad habits. If you've actually lived together this won't be such a big issue. An example of this is a friend who though after marriage her fiancee would stop being a slob and lazy about hygiene. In hot humid nanjing summer he would only want to take showers every few days. Also he would throw his clothes around house willy-nilly. In a nonsensitvie, chauvanist manner though he bought all white furniture and interior decoration. The house is next to a building sites (as is often the case) and the husband expects the wife to clean the house spotless as well and cook and do the dishes by herself. She thought he would change and was wrong.

Chinese parents are a part of the kids lives often. I knew people who sent 10% of their pay check each month to the parents (who well off and didn't really need it , but appreciated the symbolism).

Also have you figured out what her working situation will be? Does she have a marketable job skill? Accountant, Nurse etc.. will that need licensure. Does she even want to work as well or be a housewife?

If she can't find work what will happen? Many businesses don't recognize foreign degrees espicially from Asia and Africa. If it is not a job in demand, she could find it hard to find a position.

[simonlaing]

Part 2/2

Chinese culture also has the idea of spheres. So the money of the job and big purchases like cars get decided by the men. The day to day house decisions and private house living is usually given to women. So you should talk about making decisions. You may not care what brand of laundry detergent is used , but interior wall color and furniture arrangement could be a significant decision and she should realize you want input. These are certain culture clash issues you will need to deal with and talk about in advance as expectations can be quite different. My mother-in-law is a big sexist and doesn't like me to wash the dishes or do the laundry. (I sneak around and do them anyway. How surreal)

On the flip side , Chinese wives seem very loyal, and more able to deal with a lot of crap. They often have to deal with some chinese men who take them for granted or don't treat them in a special way. (I heard stories of while the wife is pregnant, the husbands visiting massage parlors for happy endings. or other times for business deals.)

Everyone is different . I suggest you bring up these topics of kids, job, house and make sure you're on the same page or that you have a way of making the decisions together.

I have known several cross cultural marriages that have gone well. So don't believe this gold-digger, visa-digger nonsense . You can tell if she's in it for you or for something else.

I am sure you will be happy together.

Wishing you fortune and a big family (chinesesque, saying, better than fortune and an early pregnancy of a son.)

I am sure everything will be fine,

Simon:)

[davidzq]

I would like to attempt to clear up some misinformation concerning the immigration process for USC (US citizen) to a chinese national.. I specificallys said USC since that is different than for legal permanent residence who have more limited options and longer processing times.

A USC can petition to have a spouse (ie: you marry a chinese lady in china) or fiancee (ie: you get engaged to a chinese lady living in china). The follow general remarks apply:

- The only requirement is that you have meet face to face within the last two years (some very strict exceptions apply but I'll ignore them).

- The length of time of your relationship and the age difference is not really that big an issue as far as the review process goes; of course, it may say something about whether you truly know this person or not but that's a more personal issue.

- The process takes a little less than a year for fiancee; About a year or more for spouses.

- Spouses have two options really; one is that the lady would get her green card some weeks after arrival in the US; the other is to apply for it once in the US.

- The interview itself is generally 5 minutes or less; The decision is probably about 80% certain by the time of the interview... If denied, there is an "overcome" process to submit 'rebuttal info' which has a very high rate of success (most who are denied get approved second time around).

- If one does not have a green card on arrival (fiancee and spouse option), this must be applied for... the time is based on local processing area ranging from 4 months to a year; there are a number of security background problems plaguing the process and people are in limbo for years.

- Once a person has their green card, it is good for two years.. then they must apply for another 10 yr green card.

- In order to become a citizen, the chinese national must be a legal permanent resident for three years.

There's alot that could be said about the cultural differences and expectation, and what 'red flags' to be aware of and which are just western paranoia.

I'd encourage anyone thinking of petitioning for a chinese national to visit:

www.candleforlove.com,

where we are a community of USC going through the process and discuss cultural issues and how to best get through the process successfully... The entire site is volunteer run and you can get better answers there than from lawyers since each member reports back specifically about their case and so we have real-time experience year round.