Is it that hard for me to find a foreign boyfriend?!

[reisen]

I am just a normal chinese girl, active and full of sunshine. But sometimes also feel tired and bored in this huge city. It's just a feeling that my heart lacks and want somebody to accompany with.

I live in the University area in this city and there're so many foreigners around, i always see some cute guys walk along the street, but to shy to accost them.

I don't mean that i just want foreigner ones. But maybe because i am just coming back from Germany and planing to study in US next year. I feel just i am like unacquainted with this city even i was boren here and grown up here. I had two chinese boyfriends before i went to germany, and had one friend in germany. I just feel like i really like people from west more.

I don't know what the others think or what the foreigners think about the relationship about chinese girls and foreign boys. Probably you will think, most chinese girls are just for marrige or for money or for "mian zi", like a foreign boyfriend makes me cooler than others"

But I am really not like that, i only want somebody to hang out with, talk with,or even soulmate. I am still too young to think of marrige, and i can study hard to go aboard without depending on marrige to get a citizenship. And also don't need a someone to help me with my english. don't think mine is perfect, but enough for communicating.

Actually i also don't know what kind of person i want, but i am just so sure in my heart that i need a boyfriend and i would like to have one from other lands. Because i think i behave like a wester girl, and won't stay in this city that long, if we are all just short passing traveller, and we have the same interests and tastes. This one year must be nice and enjoyable.

I am also totally confused with the foreigners in china. Because some foreign friends told me, they just want sex with a woman in china but not love. I don't know if it's true. I mean I have no problem with sleeping, but only for the ones love me and I love. The bars here there are always many chinese girls.They also want to touch with foreigners, i don't know their thoughts, but i don't think i'm the same as them and don't want to be thought like them.

It's always a little bit lonly or sometimes maybe when you far away from home.But for foreigners, Do majority of you only for sex or playing with a chinese girls, or you are also considering a earnest relationship?

And what do you think of chinese girls?

Is it such hard for me to find such a boyfriend?

Am I too childish and ideal?

PS; I am from Nanjing, if anyone live in this city who is interested in me, please contact me. Like sending messages in this forum. Or from other citys，we can also talk through skype or msn. I'd like to know more people and touch different cultures.

Thx, anywhy.

[muyongshi]

but to shy to accost them.

I'm sure they all appreciate not be accosted.

I am also totally confused with the foreigners in china. Because some foreign friends told me, they just want sex with a woman in china but not love.

Yeah there are foreigners like this but a very small majority

but i am just so sure in my heart that i need a boyfriend

You DON'T need a boyfriend...you need to just relax and enjoy life and learn to be content being single. There are so many thing that you can't do in a relationship that you can do when single. Relax and enjoy life! Then in the right time the right guy will come along and you won't have to try so hard.

[yonglin]

If you are interested in meeting foreigners, make friends with them. Don't expect yourself to find a new boyfriend. If you get to know someone, it might so happen that you fall in love with him, but the whole "finding a foreign boyfriend"-run seems a bit hasty. Also, you might come off as a bit desperate, and this would make you seem more unattractive.

Because i think i behave like a wester girl, and won't stay in this city that long, if we are all just short passing traveller, and we have the same interests and tastes. This one year must be nice and enjoyable.

I'm not entirely sure what this means, but if I interpreted it correctly (something along the lines of western girls being into the short and sweet), I do feel a bit offended.

[gato]

Reisen,

There are many old threads on dating here. Take a look at these two:

http://www.chinese-forums.com/index.php?/topic/1347-%e5%8f%a5%e5%ad%90-if-then-implied4

Foreign girls and dating

http://www.chinese-forums.com/index.php?/topic/14370-any-chance-for-serious-relationship-with-chinese-girls

Any change for serious relationship with Chinese girls?

I think you are limiting your chances by only considering foreigners for a boyfriend (though you say you are not). There are only so many foreign boys to go around, and as you said, there is a lot of competition for them. Sex and love can go together (sex is a form of love depending on your definition), but yes, most guys are willing to take sex without the love, whether they are foreign or not.

[jonaspony]

Yeah there are foreigners like this but a very small majority

A small majority Muyongshi? I think that may be a Freudian slip.

I think your foreign friends are right. In the West, courtship places passion for sex first. Even sincere men who want a deep relationship will usually follow this way. Then after after a few weeks they might find they don't really like the girl, or they remember they prefer to be single. So the couple fights or breaks up. And they go on to look for someone else that is 'just right'. But I suspect everyone is much the same - they are looking for intimacy, deep friendship. In my opinion, Westerners are simply less intelligent about it and the way to find it.

As you will be going abroad again soon, you will probably feel unsettled. It will seem meaningless to make long-term friends. And you seem uninterested in a short-term relationship on Western terms. While I disagree with Muyongshi about how many foreign men just want sex, that doesn't really matter because it's up to you to decide. You will meet foreigners of many kinds, but don't worry about what they want. If you want friendship and fun, then that's the best thing anyone can want. And if men (foreign or otherwise) don't like it, that's their problem, not yours.

There are men who will want friendship with you. There's guys like Muyongshi and me, but I'd probably fall in love with you anyway - even if I didn't want to. I think I already have!. Life is full of such complications. So have courage to do what you think is best, and stop worrying. It won't be so easy to find exactly what you are looking for, but you can still have fun while you are looking. Good luck with everything.

[coolnicholas]

I don't know how to describe you!! shame

[muyongshi]

but I'd probably fall in love with you anyway

Are you making an offer to her? :mrgreen:

I think your foreign friends are right. In the West, courtship places passion for sex first.

With the majority of people I know (including my European friends) it is not this way but hey maybe I just run in odd circles...

[jonaspony]

I don't know how to describe you!! shame

What? who?

Reisen... be as idealistic as you want. But just remember few other people are so idealistic. That's what makes idealism great, heroic and very difficult.

[jonaspony]

With the majority of people I know (including my European friends) it is not this way but hey maybe I just run in odd circles.

Hmmm... well that's my experience, and my observation. I have a truckload of Beijing friends that are out for the sex whether they admit it or not. Those who don't admit it carry on serial relationships in the Western style: chase, bed, become dissatisfied and leave. I was comparing this to the more 'traditional' Chinese style of prolonged platonic friendship, in which time I sort out if I really like someone or am just infatuated. Maybe it's just Beijing.

I wish I ran in your circles, no matter how odd. But I find it hard to believe that the West has not placed a very high priority on sexual attraction.

Are you making an offer to her?

Careful. I think i am also falling in love with you and Gato - well at least with your posts. But no offer there either, sorry. Cheers to ya both.

[YuehanHao]

Reisen,

I could not hope to answer your question, but I will write because I am a Westerner who did marry a Chinese woman (who had earlier come to my home country). I can understand your preference for a companion from a particular culture, and came to see an unconscious preference in my own behavior at that time; although obviously a relationship is ultimately between two individuals -- thus, a part of the cultural attraction in my case was just statistics, rather than a requirement.

But as was earlier said, I agree you may be ultimately happier to focus on all you have, rather than what you lack. Maybe sometime in the future, presuming you achieve your objective, you will look back to now and wish you could recapture the old freedom or some other youthful intangible. Trying too hard is nearly as ineffective as not trying at all -- not to mention more risky.

Anyway, enough of these maxims -- after all, does anyone really follow advice from an outsider who can't understand her/him?

约翰好！

[adrianlondon]

This isn't really anything to do with "Westerners" vs "Chinese". It's to do with "locals" vs "foreigners".

Foreigners in Beijing are likely to be there for a reason such as study or contract work. Both of these mean the person is only in china for a fixed amount of time. From 6 months to 2 years on average. No one really wants to get into a deep relationship and then break it off before going home.

It has to be real love to either change one's plans and stay in China, or to "import" your new boy/girlfriend back to your own country when you leave.

So, most people will be looking just for sex and, if love comes on from that, then that'll be dealt with as it happens.

You yourself say you're wanting to leave and study in the US. So, if you meet a nice boyfriend, let's say one from England just as an example, and you fall in love ... then what? Either he'll go back to England or you'll go to the US. Then the relationship ends (after a couple of months of pretending it's working over emails, phione calls and MSN).

[Lu]

Reisen,

Please don't try so hard. Have fun, enjoy your student life. Meet people, be they male or female, Chinese or foreigner, make friends. Maybe one of them will end up being your boyfriend, maybe not. Being desperate for a man is generally not the best way to find a good one, be he foreign or Chinese. Also, I think men prefer happy women who like their life over women who want a man to fill their life for them.

And in the end, friends are more important than men. They can stay with you across time and continents.

And take all my advice with a big grain of salt, as without trying too hard at all I've still been single for the last five years or so.

[elina]

you need to just relax and enjoy life and learn to be content being single. There are so many thing that you can't do in a relationship that you can do when single. Relax and enjoy life! Then in the right time the right guy will come along and you won't have to try so hard.

Please don't try so hard. Have fun, enjoy your student life. Meet people, be they male or female, Chinese or foreigner, make friends. Maybe one of them will end up being your boyfriend, maybe not. Being desperate for a man is generally not the best way to find a good one, be he foreign or Chinese. Also, I think men prefer happy women who like their life over women who want a man to fill their life for them.

I agree with the above. I think you’d better 随缘, but don’t refuse 一切缘, no matter it’s from a Chinese or foreigner, then you’ll feel comfortable, free and happy.

[mind_wander]

Please don't try so hard. Have fun, enjoy your student life. Meet people, be they male or female, Chinese or foreigner, make friends. Maybe one of them will end up being your boyfriend, maybe not. Being desperate for a man is generally not the best way to find a good one, be he foreign or Chinese. Also, I think men prefer happy women who like their life over women who want a man to fill their life for them.

And in the end, friends are more important than men. They can stay with you across time and continents.

And take all my advice with a big grain of salt, as without trying too hard at all I've still been single for the last five years or so (Lu).

Well, I am an Asian dude from the US. Most people online from China, didn't have trouble making friends with me; more people wanted to learn about the Western Culture. Besides the time zone differences, school, etc. I rather suggest take one step at a time, as everyone mentioned on this thread; there are so many combinations when selecting or foreign guys, there might be something you like and don't like. As for being in a serious relationship is not on my mind at this point, maybe down the road (See its really true point many people has commented).

Oh yeah, alot of people forgot to mentioned this; when you entered the US, depending which area your planning to study abroad in the US. If you are heading into California, there will be alot of Asian people there and NYC. However, there is not alot of Asians in the US (6%), so this would be your culture shock; but this does increases your chances to find foreign friends here in the US. But, I feel everyone's comments are very positive and realistic to the point. Most of the Western world is very independent, so being over friendly or respectful is a give or take; not alot of people know too much about the Asian culture, but there is are people yearning in wanting to learn about Asian culture.

[DarrenJew]

reisen

If your planning to go to the US to study next year... you'll find a dozen boyfriends to go out with you. Asian girls are in demand in America. Caucasian guy's can't get enough asian girls. Though you may find a lot of guy's to go out with you... take your time to find a good guy. There are a lot of jerks out there and a lot that just want to take you to bed then move onto the next girl... they will say anything to you to charm you. Not only white but black guys and lots of lonely asian guys...Asian guy's are lonely because many asian women in america are choosing to go out with white guys.

[CheukMo]

I agree to a large extent with DarrenJew. Asian girls are really sought after in the U.S.

As for foreign guys, especially American guys, they are all looking for sex. Some may be open for more (love) and some just want sex. As for Nanjing, just introduce yourself to some and see what happens. Be a friend in helping some with their Mandarin, etc but don't commit to anything other than being a friend. If they just want sex, they will stop paying attention to in a short amount of time.

[yonglin]

Asian guy's are lonely because many asian women in america are choosing to go out with white guys.

Asian guys need to be more assserrtive.

[reisen]

Well, Thanks so much for all the people.I have seen so many replys ^^ Thanks!

I just felt lonly and helpless, then started to think of having a boyfriend or something like that.

Maybe I should not expect that much. And adjust myself to new condition first.Maybe I should Try to be happy and satisfied， and keep a quite mood.

My dream is traveling around the world with somebody I love, then when we getting old, build a house in Germany or Scandinavia, and live there happiliy. We can share our memories together, help with each other. I think sex is nice, but love is a more wonderful thing in this world, like you can always think of the other one and he thinks of you. The world is so big and cold, and we are all so lonly.

anyway, dream is only dream.

I should think more about being alone and happy. And realize my dream that travelling around the world by myself.

[Loriquero]

You should just make some friends

love is one of those things that you usually find when you are not seeking for it

[Woodpecker]

"Reisen... be as idealistic as you want. But just remember few other people are so idealistic. That's what makes idealism great, heroic and very difficult.:)"

From what I've seen it's actually hard for both genders. Men have gained themselves a reputation for wanting girls just for sex, and moving from one girl to another. For every Mr. Darcey (good man) there are 5 Mr. Wickhams. Ironically, those very jerks seem to get the most attention from girls. As a result, their victims get put off dating and it becomes that much harder for men who are romantic idealists, good, honest and kind, to find their 'Princess'. The good guys pay for the sins of the bad. On the other hand, there are some girls who are really quite unattractive in terms of who they are. Gold diggers and selfish, controlling people who will marry to get what they want not for love...you get the idea. Those people can put off the men and lose all hope of finding a handsome, moral 'Prince'.

The best thing you can do is to make friends, and there is nothing wrong with that - they are the ones who will support you in your lonely moments. Friendship builds trust, which is needed for any relationship, friends or otherwise. If you meet a guy you like, then they will be more open to you if they know you can be trusted as well. Some have had their fingers burned by female jerks. You'll soon know if they are boyfriend material or not. At least, that's how I see it. And don't have a relationship just for the sake of it.

Remember, there are good men out there (and good girls too!), so don't lose hope. Good luck!