Mum freaking out about my travel plans

[ipsi()]

I'll add that all I used in Qingdao was cash. I also got money out of an ATM, using my debit card, and that was behind locked doors that I needed to open by swiping my Bank Card.

I think I saw someone I know use a card twice - once at an upscale restaurant (credit card), and once to pay for a computer (which didn't work, resulting in a need to withdraw cash anyway).

[imron]

American nuts and chocoholics would be nice gifts, I think

Might be a bit hard, seeing as Tombio5 is Australian I've also found that chocolate as a gift isn't such a great idea. Of course people will always be pleased to accept it, however many Chinese find western chocolate to be too sweet (personally, I think that's the whole point! ).

[tombio5]

Wow, this has been my most popular thread so far. Thankyou everyone for you input and advice

To clear up some things ... yes we have talked on the phone .. how often??? well just about every night in fact. We have talked online and used web cams and so forth. I know theres some scary horror stories out there, but im not concerned that this might be of of those cases

The plan is that she will meet me at the airport. However i am trying to be prepared as possible in case she doesn't show up for what ever reason. I am most likely staying at a hotel nearby and not at her home. Though i may be having some meals with her family

Weather my mother likes it or not i am going. i don't think i should just sit at home and never do anything because i'm afraid of the unknown, that will never get me anywhere. I just want to make her feel better about it

[imron]

Well, whatever happens, just remember that we all want to hear an update when you get back

[Suvlaco]

Tombio5, $4500 is more than enough to travel to China. I'm going there for 6 months (to 3-years) on that much.

PS: Where abouts in Australia are you? I too am Aussie, but I'm actually moving there long(ish) term

[Lu]

Yeah, do make sure you have a backup plan in case she's not there to pick you up at the airport, as this can easily happen: she got stuck in traffic/went to the wrong arrivals hall/got the wrong flight number/any other mistake or miscommunication. Make sure you have her mobile phone number so you can call her if you can't find her; the address of the hotel you're going to, written in Chinese to show the taxi driver; and enough RMB for the taxi. (And make sure you tell your mom you have all this, and call her as soon as you safely make it to the hotel, either with or without girl.)

Whether my mother likes it or not I am going. I don't think I should just sit at home and never do anything because I'm afraid of the unknown, that will never get me anywhere. I just want to make her feel better about it.

I think you're right about all of this. You're a grown up, China is not a dangerous place, but at the same time you don't want to upset your mother, and anyway travelling is more fun if your parents are also excited about your trip and not mortified.

Again, good luck & have fun, and let us know how it goes!

[Han-tiger]

A very important thing seemed to be omitted in the discussions.

What is your real and ultimate goal of your possible travel to China? To view the beautiful scenery in Xiamen? No. As you say the girl is the main reason you are going. So I come to know this is not a simple travel. I am guessing you are planning to visit China with an only purpose of establishing a long term relationship with her. The money you are taking indicates that you want to live in China so as to keep her accompanied as long as you can. That is why your mum is so against it.

Whether you can realize your goal, 50% depends on you, and another 50% depends on the girl. What does the girl look like? A college student, living in campus? Or middle school student, living with her parents? You are 20 years old, so I suppose the girl is younger than you, a teenager. You are now in trouble convincing your mum. Is everything OK at her side? Unlike western countries, in China, teenagers are entirely dependent on their parents. Dads and moms are overprotective to their kids. Have her parents known something about you? Has the girl got her parents’ consent to be with you? you seem not to need it, but the girl needs.

Therefore, you have to take the above into careful consideration before making your decision.

[fireball9261]

An adult (and working) Chinese girl could also live at her parent's home, so she might not be a teenager. But Han-tiger is right about parents' influence to a Chinese girl/woman. Therefore, be very respectful of her parents and family members. Also, make sure you don't put your hands anywhere on her person (except maybe hands) around her parents or elder family members -- sometimes, also her brothers and sisters.

Around her brothers and sisters and other friends or cousins of same age, make sure they are not very traditional in their attitudes about men and women's behaviors before you do anything more Western around her in front of them. Very Important!!! I have Chinese girl friends who have Westerners as boyfriends, and these Westerners got total family disapproval just because they were a little "out of line" with the girl by the girl's family's traditional Chinese standards! We are talking about walking arm in arm or a kiss on the cheek for goodnight! Also, try to dress more of business causual and behave more formal around her family members just in case. I think as an Aussie, you are probably better behaving and dressing than an average American young man of 20 years old. Just be careful. Because most Chinese people are still quite conservative and traditional when it comes to their own daughter or female relatives. Not to mention the girl herself. I have Chinese female friends who grew up in U.S. and have been around Americans all their lives and they would consider a guy who touch their bodies (outside of hands) as not respecting them enough. It is a primary reason for them to dump their boyfriends after the first date. Lingering on her hands are also no good.

Btw, I generally get European Chocholics for my Chinese relatives because they are less sweet.

[Han-tiger]

The OP is just 20 years old, and the girl is probably younger than him, so I suppose that she is a teenager. I must stress that the relation of parent to child in China is fundamentally different from that in western world, where (especially US) the youngsters honor the values of independence and aggression so much that in my eyes they tend to exceed the bounds of reason. The fact in current China is that a typical family is both emotionally and economically united in its traditional way. It is usually the case that parents’ opinion prevails eventually when coming across momentous issues.

The birth control policy (family planning) has been strictly carried out since 1979 throughout China, shortly after the conclusion of the Cultural Revolution. I can be sure that the girl is the only kid of her parents. If the OP personally comes to visit her family and express to her parents his idea of developing a romantic relationship with their young daughter, they will probably be shocked with an outburst of NO from their mouths. Or alternatively, the OP can “live” with the girl without letting her parents know. However, the OP will be at high risk by doing so. If her parents become aware of the whole thing some day, I bet that they will stand out to intervene to protect their daughter without any delay. It is very likely that the so mad mom takes out her mobile to dial 110, the emergency call for help.

I don’t know what the situation exactly look like. My idea might sound silly.

[fireball9261]

It sounds like tombio5 plans to meet with the family from his previous posting, and it's possible the family already know about him. I think it's good to play it cool since both of them are pretty young. I believe it's just a trip to get to know the girl face to face and in the hope of developing a long term relationship. If she is at least 18 years old, she is not that young to have a boy friend in today's China. Of course, it really depends on the family upbringing. The only child angle is also important because I have heard many times from young (and old) Chinese people about why they have to defer to their parents' wishes because they are the only child of their parents. Yes, the one-child policy got many young Chinese stuck right in the middle of their lovers and their parents. I don't think I could have easily disregarded my mother's opinion about having an American boyfriend/husband if we have better relationship and if my father had not expressed favorably about having a foreigner son-in-law in the past.

[liuzhou]

I can be sure that the girl is the only kid of her parents

Come on! I know many 20 year olds who have brothers and sisters.

[tombio5]

She is 18 but will be 19 soon, i hope to be there for her birthday

She lives with her mother, though her mother has a boyfriend who lives with them.

[Han-tiger]

A.Almost all the teenagers in current China are the only kid of the family. 20 year olds who have brothers and/or sisters are the exceptions. Since China has a horrifying large population, you can see there are “many 20 year olds who have brothers and sisters”.

B.It is true that the family planning has been strictly carried out since 1980. Any one who violates the rule will be subjected to a heavy penalty. However, every rule has its exception. In China, there are 56 nationalities. Only the minority nationalities are exempted from the binding of the rule. Guangxi province, where you currently live, is the minority area, so no wonder you know many 20 year olds who have brothers and sisters. I know it too. It is merely a regional phenomenon. If you live in Beijing (where I currently live), Shanghai, Guangzhou, Xiamen, or other cities, you will get new discovery.

[Suvlaco]

My gf is Han, and she has 1 bro and 1 sis, and she's 19.

My best friend in China has 1 bro and 1 sis and he's 17.

Many of my friends have brothers and sisters... that rule doesn't seem to be very effective anymore...

[Han-tiger]

tombio5:

What do you really want? Live with the girl until your $4500 AU is running out? Can you make money by yourself in China? In case you are short of money, and can’t afford your return air ticket, what you can do to solve the situation? Who can help you?

Has the girl disclosed this online relationship to her mom? Has her mom known you, and your idea? What is her mom’s attitude? I am guessing it will be the case that you spend one or two months in Xiamen and go back to your country.

[liuzhou]

Han-tiger

I would much prefer that you didn't patronise me.

As in most "minority areas", the majority are Han. Around 60% in Liuzhou.

I know many Han 20 year olds who have siblings.

[Han-tiger]

Back to the point.

I suppose the girl is a teenager. I can be sure that the girl is the only kid of her parents.

The above is verified by the preceding OP’s post.

That is.

[Lu]

Han-tiger, you cannot be sure of that. Most Chinese teenagers are only children, but not all.

But I think that's not really the point.

What do you really want?

If the OP is anything like other western guys, he doesn't have marriage plans as he is only 20, and just wants to meet the girl he likes to see if they hit it off IRL as well, and have an adventure in an exotic country. The OP didn't specify, but he talks about 'traveling' and 'visiting', not 'emigrating'. This would also imply that he has a return ticket, as that is what people buy when they go traveling. No need to get so worked up about it.

[tombio5]

Lu, you pretty much got it right

I will stay for about 30 days, but if all goes well i would like to return next year. Even further down the track if things go well i would consider going to work there when i finish my engineering degree in 2 years. This however is the first step and i look forward to meeting her and having a good time

hope this clarified some things

[Loriquero]

You still have not clarified what mum knows about you