Dating Chinese female workmate

[jack1_buddy]

There is a Chinese girl at work who I have always liked. She is in her mid twenties (she has been in this country for about 5 years). She is very quiet but has always been friendly to me. A few months back at a work function she asked me to go a bar with her, which I did. Things got friendlier during the night and we ended up holding hands, dancing closely and stuff.

We left the bar at about 3am and I decided to walk her to her car. On the way to her car I asked if she would like to go out with me. Considering what had just happened I thought she would. She said no because it would be to hard on her parents (going out with a European) and it was easier for them if she only dated Chinese guys. They live in China and she is the only child

I accepted it and since then nothing like that has happened between us. She always says hello to me, is friendly and always answers my emails straight away. I have never asked her out again.

My question is this- do you think she is genuine when she said no because of her parents? Is this likely to be true even though she is in her 20's and lives in a different country? Or could it be she made a mistake that night and did not want to upset me by saying no so made up the stuff about her parents?

Curious

[roddy]

Ask her? Failing that, ask her out? Worst she can do is break your heart.

[Prodigal Son]

Whatever the reason, she declined when you left a door open for her. Plus, you work with her. Leave her be and forget about it.

[jack1_buddy]

I appreciate your feedback but I don't have any intention of asking her out again. I was just trying to find out if what she said about her parnets not wanting her to date Europeans is likely to be true? Is she likely to do what her parents say? She is 25.

[liuzhou]

Yes. It's possible.

[Prodigal Son]

It's likely that her parents much prefer her to be with a Chinese guy, and she probably respects their wishes or she wouldn't have told you what she did. The alternative is that she doesn't want to be with you for another reason and is using that as an excuse. Sorry dude.

[imron]

See also this thread.

[self-taught-mba]

Well according to what a lot of people say here, if you ask they are bound to say "no". They can't possibly have a waiguoren boyfriend.

And that's true, many of them aren't looking for a boyfriend.

But if all the signs are there then go ahead and make a move and then ask later. (not saying force or anything of course)

I think being too direct can be the same for women everywhere. If you ask them right away "Do you like me?" they might say no even if there's something there, just because it spoils the game no one wants to admit something first.

By asking so directly you are forcing her to "state policy" if you will. I think you should not ask her out so to say it but just make a point to find a way to spend time with her without making it quite so formal. Then see if the mood repeats itself (and that it's both mutual!)

It seems many guys I know here in China that have Chinese girls initially had the girls say something similar. That's called face.

Edit: or come to think about it could have been all in your head or a mistake on her part or just a one-off

[Prodigal Son]

Well according to what a lot of people say here, if you ask they are bound to say "no". They can't possibly have a waiguoren boyfriend.

And that's true, many of them aren't looking for a boyfriend.

But if all the signs are there then go ahead and make a move and then ask later. (not saying force or anything of course)

I think being too direct can be the same for women everywhere. If you ask them right away "Do you like me?" they might say no even if there's something there, just because it spoils the game no one wants to admit something first.

By asking so directly you are forcing her to "state policy" if you will. I think you should not ask her out so to say it but just make a point to find a way to spend time with her without making it quite so formal. Then see if the mood repeats itself (and that it's both mutual!)

It seems many guys I know here in China that have Chinese girls initially had the girls say something similar. That's called face.

Edit: or come to think about it could have been all in your head or a mistake on her part or just a one-off

Let me explain why I think this is not a good idea.

I think the girl saying "no" far outweighs any other sign you could extract out of a situation like this, and the girl most likely sees it that way as well. Continuing to act interested in her, after her shutting you down, will only show her how much control she has over you and how helpless you are to concede to her wishes and move on. If she really has feelings for you and you do move on, she will intervene and let you know. And when and if she does this, you will have another chance to make it work. For now I think you only stand to look desperate and weak by continuing to pursue her. Trying to conceal your feelings (you like her as more than friends) while committing to do friend-like activities together doesn't seem like a good idea; just my opinion.

Also, "do you like me?" is a terrible question to ask any woman.

[roddy]

Tell you what. Give me (or any of the above posters if for some reason you doubt my interpersonal skills) her email address. We'll send a 'my mate really fancies you' email and take it from there. How's that for service?

More realistically, either of the two possibilities are . . well, possible, and without sitting in the same office nobody on here is going to be able to tell you one way or the other. I'd say the situation still allows a casual 'oh, I'm going to XXX tomorrow night, would you like to come?' without incurring too much embarrassment, but it's obviously your call.

[huisheng]

It's a "you can choose your lover but you can't choose family" thing. If her dad doesn't want a laowai son in law, it's possible she breaks up with you for it. Yes, some Chinese do whatever their parents say. Yet I can't say for sure if it's the case with her as I don't know her.

[rezaf]

Do the Chinese parents always forbid their daughters from dating forigners?:mrgreen:What are the chances?

[muyongshi]

Continuing to act interested in her, after her shutting you down, will only show her how much control she has over you and how helpless you are to concede to her wishes and move on.

Wow...no offense but I cannot agree with this at all. I agree that many times it is best to stop if there is no interest what so ever but if there is the chance, maybe she is saying "try a bit harder buddy". And it's not about control. Sometimes it is, but I read your thing and my thought was "i would hate to be the woman you like". Not trying to insult you, it was just the feeling. Sometimes the effort has to be made. And especially if you think the person is worth it.

OP I would say if you really like her and thinks she has an interest in you is to go for it. Of course go in knowing that it could be a ton of work but who knows it may be worth it one day...

[Lu]

She said no because it would be to hard on her parents (going out with a European) and it was easier for them if she only dated Chinese guys. They live in China and she is the only child. (...) My question is this- do you think she is genuine when she said no because of her parents? Is this likely to be true even though she is in her 20's and lives in a different country?

I can't really tell if you should try harder or just let her be, but if you ask me the above question I can tell you yes, it is most definitely possible. I had a Chinese colleague in Holland who was in exactly this situation. She ended up dating the European guy, but shortly afterwards broke up with him and got back together with her Chinese ex, mostly because her parents did not accept her being with a white guy. Woman was in her twenties and was getting her MA in Holland.

Either way, good luck.

[gougou]

Do the Chinese parents always forbid their daughters from dating forigners?What are the chances?

One of the few questions I actually take an interest in when being forced to play Truth or Dare with Chinese people is "Would you choose your love or your family?". As I luckily don't have to play too often, the sample size is still quite small (maybe around 10 now), but answers are pretty evenly distributed. Also, they often surprised me, e.g. the girl that's been studying abroad saying she would choose her parents, but the guy that has been living with his parents for 25 years choosing his love (then again, that's maybe not too surprising; if I had to live with anybody for 25 years, I'd probably decide against them as well...)

[here2learn]

Hi, girl's input here, though I'm not chinese.

If you were dancing that close and holding hands and you got the vibe that SHE LIKED IT, I'd say wait a while (2-4 wks) and ask her to do something again. Until then, don't bring up this subject with her, just be nice and friendly as usual.

If it was the first time you hung out and you said "will you go out with me"? In my opinion it was too much too soon, even if her parents were not in the equation. Maybe to her, "go out with me" sounded like "committed and serious and oh my g*d my parents would kill me".

It's very possible she will listen to her parents and not get serious with a non-chinese guy, but there's no harm in asking her to go to a small local event or do some activity with you and see what happens. Worst is, she says no and doesn't even go (if so, leave it open for her by saying,"Well, you have my number if you ever want to do something else").

But let's all remember, SHE asked HIM to go to the bar!

So.... even if her parents won't let her get serious with a white guy.... she's obviously willing to at least hang out with them and have a little fun. How much, I don't know, but she did ask you first.

Maybe it will only be some occasional fun with her, or maybe if you're a good match, it can be more over time, but anything serious like "going steady" or whatever needs to be a long way off in her mind because of her parents and upbringing.

SUMMARY: Wait a while, then try to see her again but keep it light and fun.