A question regarding Chinese-American wedding

[mr.quip]

Please forgive my ignorance in these matters, but that's why I need to post here to ask.

My brother is engaged to a Chinese woman living in the US. He wants to travel to China with her to meet her family prior to getting married. She has told him that to do so would be very odd, and that he cannot come to China to meet her family with her until after they are married. That doesn't seem true to me, but I wanted to ask others who know more about Chinese culture and tradition than I do.

Thank you very much for your help and guidance.

[batmarj]

I didn't marry my husband until after I had traveled to China to meet his family. Did she give a particular reason why he can't meet her family first?

[mr.quip]

No reason other than that she claims it to be a cultural thing (i.e. that in China families don't meet prospective spouses in advance).

[Senzhi]

The reason for this could be a bit deeper than it looks, depending from the area she comes from: it might be she's afraid that her parents wouldn't approve of the marriage. As family is of the most important value in Chinese culture, this could have serious consequences for her.

In my area, most parents will simply not approve of a marriage between their daughter(s) and a foreigner, purely for cultural reasons. It is also common here that the parents choose the marriage partner for their children. There are exceptions, of course.

However, I've also seen other areas where this is less of a problem. Mostly areas where the Chinese people are already more accustomed to foreign presence (read: the bigger cities).

[Lu]

It has to be more complicated than just 'a cultural thing'. I never heard of such a custom, generally prospective spouses are to meet the family, especially when the pair has already decided they are going to marry. She probably has her reasons for not wanting him to meet her family, I think your brother'd better ask her for further explanation.

[kdavid]

I'm with Senzhi.

In fact, before my in-laws and I got along, my fiance recommended that we just got ahead and get married ASAP without their approval. This way, they'd be forced to accept me as it'd be easier (and save more face) than forcing her to get a divorce. Thankfully they warmed up to me in time.

Also, historically / traditionally, families have gotten together prior to the marriage / wedding to set "terms". For example, in the countryside (and they still do this) the groom's family will give the bride's a "dowry".

I'd have your brother dig a bit deeper on the issue.

[zozzen]

If her family sticks to tradition very much her behavior is understandable. Her parents may disapprove an inter-race marriage. Travel along with an unmarried boyfriend may also make her insulted by her villagers and other family members. Her family possibly lived in 1900s instead of 2000s.

If that's not her case, her disapproval of visiting her parents may mean a lot. She wants 米已成飯? she have some secrets about her family? (wow, perhaps she's a daughter of China's PM? )

[Meng Lelan]

Now that I think of it, I know two Chinese couples here in the US who got married before going to China to introduce the new spouse to their families. And one was a Chinese girl who married a Korean guy. They married in the US too but they haven't gone back to China to introduce the new spouse. So I wonder if it was because the parents wouldn't have approved of the prospective match or the parents were trying to arrange a prospective match for them and now it's too late?

[self-taught-mba]

If he doesn't know about that I don't think he will know "米已成飯".

[James Garrison]

Yes indeed, your brother must dig deeper. It could be any number of things... she may already be married, or engaged. It's a crazy thing to say, yes, but crazy things happen all the time, and I've heard about situations like this before... even seen one up close and personal.(sh)

[BrandeX]

Heh, just "met the parents" over sping festival myself. My assuumption in this case, as stated previously, is that it is mostly likey a fairly common situation of a girl marrying a foreigner being taboo or somehow shameful to the parents/family. So, if you get married without them knowing, it would be a "sorry mom/dad, it's too late to stop me now, we are already married" situation.

[melillini]

My fiance is from Anshan, and I was invited to meet her family. I made the trip to China, and was treated like a king. Her family made me feel very welcome. Her father is a WWII veteran, and a fascinating man, who embraced me whole heartedly. Her family supports our relationship.

[aorijia]

My case is similar to Melillini's: I met my fiance's parents 3 years ago and was treated like a queen.

HOWEVER, I do know a Chinese girl who introduced her Norwegian fiance to her parents before getting married with him, and she got a lot of negative comments from her family. "What if he's not serious?", "what if it doesn't work", "are you sure he wants to marry you?", and so on. Therefore, it might be just a matter of ensuring the acceptance and seriousness of the relationship.

I don't think the problem is that she might already be married, unless in US marriages the foreigner spouse doesn't have to provide official proof of being single.

I'd also try to get further explanations on the issue, who knows. Good luck to your bro.

[mythia]

Being Chinese, I can responsibly tell you that it is not a "cultural thing" to avoid seeing your future parents-in-law before marriage. It is actually exactly the opposite, to marry without each meeting the other half's family and have the old men's consent is deemed very *modern*, unconventionally and probably upsettingly modern that is.

[scottr3107]

I'm Australian and have recently got engaged to a Chinese girl.

She got preapproval over the phone and then we went to visit them in February to get the final seal of approval. This was very important to her - something we had to do before organising a wedding.

In fact - I have a number of friends who have married into Chinese families and they have all had to do the same thing.

Her saying that meeting the parents prior to a wedding is going against tradition is the opposite of what I know. Then again - I don't know the traditions from all over the country so I could be wrong. This is just my 2 cents worth!

[SChinFChin]

Her saying that meeting the parents prior to a wedding is going against tradition is the opposite of what I know. Then again - I don't know the traditions from all over the country so I could be wrong. This is just my 2 cents worth!

Depends on the family. For many, marrying a foreigner is against tradition.

When my sister told my dad she was marrying a non-Chinese, she was told she's not a daughter anymore, and don't bother coming back home. Obviously, my parents didn't go to the wedding.

After her first husband's death, she remarried years later, to an Irishman, my parents skipped that wedding as well as those of the two granddaughters. My wife and I were the only ones atteidng these weddings from our side of the family. I didn't know about her first wedding.

While I never asked what she said to her fiance at the time, but unless she was honest about what my dad said, she might have said something along the lines of "let's get married first ...".

Besides marrying a foreigner being against tradition, some families feel they lost face if their son's and daughters married a foreigner, so they'll say the son and daughter ran off, and they have no idea what happened. That was my parent's story when relatives asked, i.e. "she ran off .." Better to say that than to say she married a foreigner. The last thing they want is a daughter parading around town with a foreigner.

My dad's older brother married a non Chinese women, he never took his wife to funerals or weddings, during her lifetime. The wife died about two years ago, my dad made an exception, and I drove him to the funeral, and it was my first time meeting my uncle's son's and daughters. My dad never referred to them as my cousins. When my sister got married, his comment was "my brother can't show his face down Chinatown, now I can't either".

If the bride does not want to get in touch with her parents, I can gether she's from a family pretty much like my parents. Not all families are that extreme. My wife, who's Chinese, asked her mom if there would be a problem when she was dating an American guy. At the time, her mom had less of a problem as her cousin, already married an American guy a few years before, and the family already went through the trauma once, and found that the sky didn't fall. The cousin and her husband came to our wedding.

I wouldn't push the bride on the issue..

[Lu]

Even if she doesn't want her fiance to meet her parents because they are like SChinFChin's family, I still think she should explain this to her fiance, instead of coming up with an excuse like 'it's against tradition'.

[Senzhi]

I wouldn't push the bride on the issue..

I fully agree.

Regardless of what's really the issue (and probably it is cultural and tradition related), she most certainly has some good reasons to act in such a way.

I have seen quite a few cases of graduated female students of mine having to "choose" between their parents and their boyfriends. And not only foreign boyfriends, but mostly Chinese boyfriends.

I'm actually not sure myself what I would do if I were in such a situation.

[SChinFChin]

I'm actually not sure myself what I would do if I were in such a situation.

I had to choose between my wife ( whose Chinese), and my parents because they did not "arrange" or approve of the marriage.

Just prior to the wedding I told my future mother in law not to bother my parents, so I told her that they're "very tradtional, very old fashioned, a bit nasty, and strange, and I wouldn't want to annoy them at this point".

She insisted on going, maybe to satisfy her curiosity I suppose (can't blame her), and just as I expected, my parents got very angry, threw her out of the house, and that was the one and only time she met my parents.

She did agree with me my parents are nasty.

I don't know what else I could've said. In this case, she just travelled 15 minutes across town, but to travel to another country to be thrown out of the house??

Yes indeed, your brother must dig deeper. It could be any number of things... she may already be married, or engaged. It's a crazy thing to say, yes, but crazy things happen all the time, and I've heard about situations like this before... even seen one up close and personal

I can see that it's simply the case the parents are VIOLENTLY against a wedding to a foreigner.

You have to remember as late as 30 to 40 years ago, it was illegal in some states here in the USA for interracial couples to get married. Imagine a couple engaged in a country with no such restriction, and the bride tells her fiance not to see the parents or he might risk arrest. The groom may find something like this to be so implausible, and figured she might be already married, yet, it is in fact law not that long ago.

Indeed if the parents live in a small town and village in China, I wouldn't risk their reputation having the bride walking around town with her fiance, else they'll lose face with their neighbors. I would leave them the dignity of not mentioning anything about the matter to their relatives, friends and neighbors.

As unfortunate as this may sound, both my sister and myself had to put up with it, as did my wife's cousin, and many other people I know, including my uncle. Marrying across the chasm of race and tradition takes extraordidinary courage and fortitude.

My brother who never challenged my parents, remains single at the age of 50.

[Lu]

I fully believe that the parents of the bride-to-be might be such people, and that they might throw the prospective groom out of their house, and scold their own daughter for daring to come home with a man like that, and that she may have very good reasons for not wanting her fiance to meet her parents.

But then still she should make an effort to explain this to her husband-to-be. They are planning to spend a lifetime together, the least one can do is starting it off with a bit of honesty and openness. Not to mention that he has a right to know beforehand what kind of family he is marrying into (or marrying her out of). She will have to explain it sooner or later, if she doesn't he will probably just keep pushing the point after the wedding, because what kind of husband does not want to try and build a good relation with his wife's family? Plus if she tells him exactly how things are, he can stop worrying about possible explanations, like that maybe she is already married.

SChinFChin, seems to me like you did the right thing by warning your m-i-l about your parents; at the same time I think she did the right thing by making the effort anyway. Neither of you can blame yourself for not doing everything you could to make things work.