My Chinese fiance will choose his parents over me

[mixed_girl]

Or how about the film version of Amy Tan's Joy Luck Club?

Reading the book of "Joy Luck Club" helps a lot too. I read that book many years ago and I got to say that it is one of the best book I've read. I am going to the library to borrow it again; its been awhile.

[hanwairen]

How do you address your fiance's parents. Do not call them by their given names. You need to address them by calling them "uncle" and "aunt" in Cantonese. If you already considered them your in-law or vice versa, then address them as "father-in-law" and "mother-in-law" in their own dialect. Chinese people will not let their son/daughter in-law call them by their given names like in US.

[Lu]

If I were you, I would go to that restaurant and give a helping hand, especially when they’re busy.

I believe this is hands down the best idea offered so far.

[SChinFChin]

I didn't know any other place to ask about this becaus the problem is that I'm Europian and NOT-Chinese and they don't accept that.

Any suggestions what I should do?

Sounds like your fiance would go along with the parents. If he is strong, and you guys get married, don't expect things to get any better.

I'm a Chinese-American, and I come from a family of such marriages.

My uncle, my dad's older brother married an American woman here in the states after his first wife died in China. Back then, men stayed in the USA, and women stayed in China. During his lifetime, when he is invited to weddings, or funerals, he goes himself, never with his wife, as his wife would be ignored.

My dad rarely spoke to his brother due to the shame of this, and we really are not in touch. My uncle's wife died a year ago, I took my dad to the funeral home, and this was the first time I met anyone on that side of the family.

My sister first married an American of "Puerto Rican" decent. My parents said "fine, don't come back here anymore". She didn't for ten years, and we knew nothing about her wedding or anyone from that side of the family. Her first husband died of a "heart attack", and she came back to see mom and dad with her daughters, by then, 8 and 10 years of age. She wanted to get in touch with me, as she lost touch, but my dad refused to give her the info. My brother finally gave her my number.

She called me and found out at this point, I'm married, and was saddened she didn't know about it, and came to my wedding. I knew nothing about her girls growing up either.

My sister remarried, this time, someone of Irish decent. My parents had nothing to do with this wedding either. This time, I went to the wedding, and got to know the husband's family.

As for me, I married a Chines girl, born in the USA, with a master's degree from an Ivy college. That was not good enough for mom and dad. They wanted me to marry someone they picked from China.

They didn't come to my wedding either, and got into an argument with my wife's mom when she wanted to know what's wrong. I'm married 29 years now, and that argument was the one and only time my parents met my wife's mom.

My wife said her dream as a little girl was large family gatherings where she can invite everyone over for a good time. My parents never vistied my home or my sister's.

Now for my younger brother. He decided to do it my parents way. They took him around to try fixing him up. After a few years, he told them to quit trying, he's got no interest in any of the girls he met. He'll be 50 years old very soon, and never married.

If you want to move forward with your fiance, you may go through what I had to go through.

[xuefang]

My big fat Greek Wedding. It has a lot of these issues and is a good chessy movie to help you understand these things

Actually I have this one at home Great movie.

[gato]

If you want to move forward with your fiance, you may go through what I had to go through.

I feel for you, but your story may not be typical, especially for young people today. A large percentage of Chinese-Americans (especially women) marry non-Asians. I doubt that would happen if most of them had to go through the family crisis you went through.

Take a look at the charts on this page. Among US-raised Chinese-Americans that are married, 29% of the men and 40% of the women are married to whites.

http://www.asian-nation.org/interracial.shtml

Marriage Patterns for Six Largest Asian American Ethnic Groups

[SChinFChin]

I feel for you, but your story may not be typical, especially for young people today. A large percentage of Chinese-Americans (especially women) marry non-Asians. I doubt that would happen if most of them had to go through the family crisis you went through.

Things probably changed a bit the last 10 to 15 years, a generational change, for those anchored in America. But if the parents are saying, they're going back to China, I'm not sure.

About 35 years ago, when I was working my first job, I go out with a bunch of co-workers each week, one of them, a very pretty Italian girl. One day, it was just me and her going out for lunch, and she asked to hold my hands walking down the street, just so "people would stare at us". That was the way things were back then, and it wasn't that many years ago.

Yes, everyone stared.

We were holding hands waiting to cross the street, and two elderly Chinese women were staring at us, disapprovingly. She told me to give her a long hot kiss on the lips, to see what will happen. I did. The two Chinese women almost died of a "heart attack". I enjoyed it, and thought of it often through the years.

True, there's a great deal of intermarriage going on, now more so than before. Whether it's truly accepted by the family is another issue. If the parents are born and raised in the USA, it would be no problem. But my parents are from China, I'm first generation. My sister did marry a non Chinese, twice, it's OK as long as she doesn't show her face back home.

For this "Chinese fiance" in Finland, for him, it's the same for a "Chinese American" like myself growing up in the USA. If you live outside of Chinatown, everyone you socialize with is a "non Chinese". You practically have to get a "mail order bride", or "groom", to marry Chinese. That explains why many Chinese men and women, growing up in the larger society, are not marrying Chinese anymore.

I met my wife simply because I socialized, and hung out with a large group of Chinese students while at college. It was an urban NYC college She didn't attend my college, but a college mate of mine introduced us. If I attended a midwestern university, things would have been quite different.

This problem is not restricted to Chinese, Where I grew up, a neighbor, a Hungarian women, proudly told my dad she found a bride for her son, from Hungary. Well, the marriage lasted a year or two from what I recall. Conservative Orthodox Jewish people from what I understand also only marry in their own faith, or they'll be shunned.

[mixed_girl]

We were holding hands waiting to cross the street, and two elderly Chinese women were staring at us, disapprovingly. She told me to give her a long hot kiss on the lips, to see what will happen. I did. The two Chinese women almost died of a "heart attack". I enjoyed it, and thought of it often through the years.

I thought that this was super great and hilarious. I can picture them almost having a heart attack from that kiss that you had with the Italian girl lol. From times to times, I do get look from Chinese elder when I am with my partner, but in the end, it doesn't really matter as long as you are with that especial someone.

I met my wife simply because I socialized, and hung out with a large group of Chinese students while at college. It was an urban NYC college She didn't attend my college, but a college mate of mine introduced us. If I attended a midwestern university, things would have been quite different.

I met my fiance on an internship while I was a senior in my college. I also happen to studied and have graduated from an urban college in NY .

[aorijia]

Hi Xuefang.

I think you have to make active efforts to get closer to your in laws in all senses.

The way I see it, it will be very hard if you just put it as a "who is more important to him" matter. Making moves that parents will openly disapprove of is something many Chinese try to avoid. And be sure of this: It will take you time to get there, just like a little ant slowly gathering bits of leaves.

My in laws are in China. What I did to try to get closer to them was:

-I started to learn their language in an accomplished way. Not only Mandarin but also their Nanjing dialect. The same goes for cultural issues. I didn't only do it for them; also for me, to get a better understanding of what I was facing (I.e: a Chinese man with a totally different background to mine and a whole lot of Chinese relative/friends/acquaintances to get along with).

-Writing letters, phone talks, visiting them. I also moderate my behaviour: I'm quite a warrior in real life, but don't let my in laws notice. "Give face" I would say.

Have a look at what YOU can do to change things. You got some really good pieces of advice in this thread already.

Good luck!

[Woodpecker]

Any news, Xuefang?