Song 翻译，Welcome criticism

[monto]

I have just translated a English song to Chinese, and would like receive comments or even criticism to help me in understanding English better. I think the discussion may also be a help for Chinese learning.

nine million rainy days ----------------------------------- 九百万个雨天

have swept across my eyes --------------------------- 扫过了我的双眼

thinking of you and this room becomes a shrine 想到你这间屋变成了灵殿

thinking of you and the way you are ---------------- 想到你和你的样子

sends the shivers to my head ------------------------ 寒战传递到我脑间

you're going to fall ---------------------------------------- 你将倒下

you're going to fall down dead ------------------------ 你将倒下死去

as far as i can tell ---------------------------------------- 这是我所能预言

i'm being dragged from here to hell ---------------- 我正从这里被拖到地狱

and all my time in hell --------------------------------- 而我在地狱的所有时间

is spent with you ---------------------------------------- 都是和你一起度过

i have nothing left to give ----------------------------- 我没剩下任何东西可让

for you to take ------------------------------------------- 你拿走

i have no more empty heart ------------------------- 我不再有空洞的心

or limbs to break --------------------------------------- 或肢体可以破碎

and the way you are ---------------------------------- 而你的样子

sends the shivers to my head -------------------- 将寒战传递到我的脑间

you're going to fall down dead ------------------- 你将倒下死去

as far as i can see ----------------------------------- 这是我所能预见

there is nothing left of me ------------------------- 我一无所剩

and all my time in hell ------------------------------ 而我在地狱的所有时间

was spent with you ---------------------------------- 是与你一起度过

[HashiriKata]

The translation sounds good to me, Monto!

I've got a small question:

"Nine million rainy days have swept across my eyes " in English suggests some sadness to me but I wonder if "九百万个雨天扫过了我的双眼" in Chinese has the same effect. Is the verb 扫 abstract enough for use in this context?

(This is a real question, and not a rhetorical one!)

[studentyoung]

"Nine million rainy days have swept across my eyes " in English suggests some sadness to me but I wonder if "九百万个雨天扫过了我的双眼" in Chinese has the same effect.

I think so, because I understand the texts according to the contexts, not just a single word.

Is the verb 扫 abstract enough for use in this context?

(This is a real question, and not a rhetorical one!)

I think it’s abstract, but I’m still not sure what your question really means.

Cheers!

[monto]

Is the verb 扫 abstract enough for use in this context?

Yes. As matter of fact, 扫 as a verb is not restricted only to physical or mechanical way.

an example

扫描: scan

Another example from a dictionary:

他眼睛四下扫了一圈 --- His eyes swept around the place.

[HashiriKata]

Another example from a dictionary:

他眼睛四下扫了一圈 --- His eyes swept around the place.

Thanks Monto, this example has answered my question.

(And I hope it's also answered Studentyoung's question about my question too )