help with small poem in Chinese I wrote

[TianLong]

还记得,咱们一起老躺着,晚上到天明,谈论生活的神秘

It is meant to mean,

(I) Still remember, how we used to lie together, through evening till dawn, discussing the mysteries of life.

It is not meant to be a beautiful poem about nature and waterfalls, rather a poem creating an intimate feeling about two lovers. As I am not native Chinese, it is hard for me to know if it sounds very awkward -- well poems are allowed to be a little awkward, but not too much -- or if something in the grammar or chosen words are wrong making it differ from my original meaning, or if it is difficult to understand.

What do you think about it?

=)

[shanewangbest]

似乎这样表达更好：

尤记得，我们依偎在一起彻夜长谈，谈论生活的神秘。

更符合汉语的习惯。

Hopefully this is helpful.

[TianLong]

Thank you, but that was not at all what I needed =)

I wanted to know if sentence thing I wrote was grammatically correct or sounded terrible wrong in some way, like "tangzhe", is my use correct?

[TianLong]

Cause this is about a woman I knew, I didnt want the meaning altered. =)

[skylee]

Since it is not meant to be beautiful, just drop the 老. One gets bed sores if one 老躺着.

[zozzen]

hehe, it's the first time i read a chinese free-style poem written by laowai. As you said, small awkwardness is acceptable in 新诗, your original one is okay.

btw, it's "犹记得" , not "尤记得".

[TianLong]

Thanks for your replies! Very helpful!

"Since it is not meant to be beautiful, just drop the 老. One gets bed sores if one 老躺着"

=D, it means you lay in bed all the time or forever?

Then how to write "often/used to", in a better way?

[zozzen]

it's more chinese if you drop "老" or write "老是趟着", but it's a poem..... it's all about personal style.

犹记得, 我与他, 老是躺着,

从黑夜到白天,

从喧闹到静谧,

你指着星星, 细说你人生的秘密.

我指着心心, 透露我一生的甜蜜.

( 晕了~~~ 那分明是琼瑶文艺腔........)

[studentyoung]

还记得,咱们一起老躺着,晚上到天明,谈论生活的神秘

It is meant to mean,

(I) Still remember, how we used to lie together, through evening till dawn, discussing the mysteries of life.

Hehe ~ ~. It sounds so romantic!

曾记否

与卿相偎依

深宵到天明

论人生奥秘

Cheers!

[muyongshi]

曾记否

与卿相偎依

深宵到天明

论人生奥秘

写得好动人！