Married to a chinese woman

[wayne972]

I have recently gotten my wife to the states on a K3 visa. She is a sweet lady but now she is missing her family and is so depressed about it it's killing me. I try to keep her busy and get her to go out but she just wants to stay home and look at her computer.

I cannot send her back to visit until she has gotten resident alien status and that can take up to a year(she's here now only two weeks). She has met chinese people at the church we go to and they have been very helpful bringing her around and showing her the city.(Not to mention just speaking to her in her own language) But if she wants to go anywhere either they have to take her or I do and they work as I do.

A little loneliness was expected but this is alot of both loneliness and saddness.If there is anyone out there with some advice or some experiance with this I would really appreciate any advice you have.

I love my wife very much and Im trying the best I can here but Im an american man who has tried everything I can think of.

Thanks in advance

[lemur]

In theory it is possible to go abroad during the green card application process. When I was getting my green card, I wanted to go visit my family for Xmas. I had to fill out paperwork for something called "parole" (yes, that's a strange name). That allowed me to get out of the country and back in without any trouble.

[self-taught-mba]

Hire a lawyer. Know someone who did this and for ~$2000 got her from entry to greencard in only a few months with a lawyer who specialized in this.

[muyongshi]

I also know some people who hired a "specialized" lawyer and they (because they educated themselves) wound up knowing more than the lawyer and the lawyer bummed the whole process. And note you can go overseas during the process as was mentioned. Best advice is get familiarized with it all yourself, get a lawyer, and you should be good to go.

[ABCinChina]

Only two weeks? I think many Chinese girls are like this and get homesick so easily. I had the same problem and the solution I have found is to get my girlfriend a job that she enjoys doing. That, and I let my girlfriend call home to her parents every day if needed. After all, we're not made of money to be sending them back to their hometown every couple months or so just to see their family.

[hidden12345]

I disagree; if its only been two weeks and she's in chronic depression, that sounds like it wasn't a very eventful honeymoon. Please don't take this the wrong way, but I feel like its something you should ask yourself, and in being the strong Americans that we poster ourselves to be, you must do your best to surmount an honest answer: Does your wife love you?

[Lu]

It's only been two weeks, it might improve a lot soon when she makes some friends and settles down a bit. Good of you to try and get her involved in things, that should help. Other ideas: enroll her in an English class if she isn't already (unless her English is already amazing), and arrange driving classes for her, with a Chinese instructor if necessary. That will also give her more freedom to get around. Don't know if she's allowed to work right now, if so a job would be a good idea too.

All the best to the both of you.

[ABCinChina]

Unfortunately, I have to agree with Hidden, but on the brighter side suggestions like Lu's should help out.

[rezaf]

get her a poppy

[liuzhou]

get her a poppy

I'm not sure introducing her to opium is the best solution.

It just sounds like she is suffering from classical culture shock. She'll get over it (or go home). Two weeks is nothing.

For my first month in China, I was utterly convinced I had made the biggest mistake of my life. I've been here 13 years. One day, the cloud lifted and I thought, "Hey, this is cool!"

[wayne972]

To Hidden

I have to admit I wonder that myself...

To Lemur, Self Taught, and Muyohgshi

I will look into this but it costs a lot to travel now especially with the gas prices here in the states.

To Lu and ABC

I have in English class but she has to get a permit to drive and guess what language that learners book is in?? I was also told to get a teacher for her don't do it myself. I am also looking for a job for her under the table someplace..

To Rezaf

??????????????? I don't think a Puppy is the answer right now

To liuzhou

Time I have but I wonder if she can handle it...

Thanks all I go to see a lawyer today at 1:00pm about her case...

[Lu]

Wayne, I hope you two can make things work either way, but Hidden might be right (especially if you wonder about that too) and it is also possible that the best choice is for her just to go home. And if that is the case, going home is what she should do.

But give it a bit more time, two weeks is nothing.

[Chinese Learner]

It's culture shock and home sickness. When I first moved to Beijing I had amazing depression for the first month or so because it was so different and I felt so out of place: I couldn't speak, read, write or understand anything! (Though I did grow up in Hong Kong).

Even if she is not allowed to 'earn money' there is nothing wrong with her making friends with Chinese people over there and helping out (volunteering) in their shops or restaurants or whatever to keep herself occupied. She maybe just needs friends who speak her language with whom she can relate. She will feel much better in a month or so once she starts to establish herself and her new life.

[rezaf]

Two weeks and getting homesick is just too much! I have been in Shanghai for about a year and a half and I have only seen 5 Iranians in two occasions and I have never got homesick. Actually the amount of time that I spend talking with my family on the Internet is much more than when I lived with them and it's really tiresome because if I don't talk to them for only a few days they might think that body organ smugglers have kidnapped me . My Kazakh friend here also has a similar situation and he can't even speak English, there are also a couple of other ultra-minority students and they all seem fine. As much as I want to keep it optimistic I think that it's going to be a huge problem in the future(in your case the future means a few weeks later) so maybe you should move to China or maybe you should work on her personality more seriously. If she can't stand two weeks away from her parents despite all those Chinese people around her then you'd better do something to change her personality unless you can afford buying plane tickets every few weeks.

[Woodpecker]

Wayne, I hope you two can make things work either way, but Hidden might be right (especially if you wonder about that too) and it is also possible that the best choice is for her just to go home. And if that is the case, going home is what she should do.

Wayne:

1) would you be happy to live with her in China rather than America?

2) Would she be happy to live with you in China?

It sounds like the culture/country is the problem rather than how much she loves you. You shouldn't divorce her just because she can't stand living in America. In anycase, it has only been two weeks: some homesickness should be expected. Think how you would feel in the same situation in China (assuming your Chinese is not very good and that you haven't lived there for a lot of time). If you can't speak Chinese, try and learn some of her language/dialect. Try meeting her halfway. Rezaf makes some good points too. Let's assume for the time being it is an issue of environment rather than love.

Sorry if I'm evangelising to the converted.

[rezaf]

BTW I meant puppy. Didn't know that poppy means opium! It's one of my funniest misspellings (after massage of course.)

[rezaf]

I think that Chinese people are too polite and introverted. Have you seen their Xhianshengs? We recently performed a Xiangsheng at our university, personally I think that all of their Xiangshengs are boring that's why we changed it to a Borat style comedy and you should see how the judges were exploding from laughing. I think that unlike some nationalities like Koreans, Chinese people are very flexible and if you put them in 开朗 situations they will easily lose their introverted masks and become 开朗！(Koreans are automatically 开朗）

[wayne972]

Last night she had chinese freinds over and they said the same thing. It has only been two weeks. Then we cooked dinner (just the guys did) and we started having a great time together. Well guess what has happened to the girl in her shell. I think we cracked it a little.

To Lu and chinese learner

I'm thinking time is the best solution here. I will try to get her out more and busier then before.

To Rezaf

I think men can handle it better then women can.(I'm not being sexist here) I just think men are wired a little different then women and thank god above for that. Her parents are no longer alive so it's her cousins nieces nephews and siblings she misses.

To Woodpucker

Yes I would live in china. I would try to start my own business there as I have here though. We have talked about it but my mother is still with us and I have to watch over her and make sure she is alright before I could go to another country to live.

The wife and I have discussed my moving on several occasions its the timing thats the problem.

To Rezaf

Chinese people are some of the most fun loving, easy going, kindest people I have ever met. They have great sense of humor and love to laugh. At least here in the States. Even in Guangzhou and Zhongshan I had them laughing and singing in the streets. I don't know how much was seeing a White guy that speaks english but everyone there and here has been more then gracious and outgoing to me.

Gotta get to work now. The wife is still sleeping and I have to open my shop. Thanks for all your help and advice.

[renzhe]

Two weeks and getting homesick is just too much! I have been in Shanghai for about a year and a half and I have only seen 5 Iranians in two occasions and I have never got homesick.

People are very different. Some people can handle it and love every second of it, others can get depressed more easily once totally removed from their environment. Especially people with very strong ties to their family, who used to spend all of their time with them, and end up being very lonely in a foreign environment.

[rezaf]

Come on, there is no such thing as foreign environment for Chinese people. They are everywhere. BTW all people and all the big cities look very similar these days. My female classmates also seem fine. They are all too busy shopping and clubbing to get worried about these things. The thing is that when you think of it there are thousands of options available for spending your time these days. I sometimes wish there where fewer options. I have never seen people get homesick that easily in big cities. (OK maybe except for Scandinavian cities. )