Married to a chinese woman

[lemur]

Well, to tell the truth, I've been thinking in the same direction renzhe has but I would have asked questions without attaching conclusions to them:

1. How well does your wife speak English?

2. How long have you known here before she came to the US?

3. How well would you say you know her?

4. How were you introduced to her?

5. How did she plan to come to the US?

Etc.

Some people may still find this offensive but here's the deal: when someone comes and asks for help, someone trying to provide help has to know the details of the case to provide the right kind of help. If help is provided on the basis of incomplete information, then the help provided is probably going to be ineffective.

And it may well be that there is no good solution here. Integration into a foreign culture can certainly fail. And saying so is not offensive but just calling a spade a spade.

My brother, a French-Canadian, married a woman from Mexico. He had known her for about 6 months and had not spent more than a few weeks with her before marrying her. Relatives in Canada expressed some reservation about the marriage. (I don't know what my sister-in-law's relatives thought.) I myself thought it was fast but I decided to not second-guess my brother's judgment. The wedding happened, my sister-in-law moved to Canada but her integration to the local culture failed. She felt isolated and was unable to get a job she liked. She went from being qualified for white collar jobs in Mexico to being unemployable in Canada, except for menial jobs. No surprise there: she is fluent in neither French nor English. She can speak and is able to understand people but that's only enough to get by in day to day life; not enough to give a great impression in job interviews. So she went back to Mexico and now the plan is for my brother to square things off in Canada and move to Mexico. He is fluent in French, English and Spanish so there should be no problem there.

Here's the deal: if someone would have told my brother his wife was not ready for a move to Canada, he would not have liked that opinion but it would have been right on the money.

There's actually a parallel story which contrasts nicely with my brother's. When my brother first met his then-wife-to-be in Mexico, he was traveling there with a friend of ours. At the same time my brother met his wife-to-be, our friend met his own wife-to-be. Same scenario as my brother's: French-Canadian husband, Mexican wife. However, our friend's wife-to-be spoke English almost fluently before she moved to Canada. That's the crucial difference which made it so that she was able to integrate without problem.

[davidzq]

Hey Wayne,

What she is experiencing (as well as you) is not uncommon... I could say alot but visit us over at www.candleforlove.com (CFL) and you can talk about it with others who have chinese spouses/fiancees.

I will tell you that if she has a K3, this a two-year traveling visa; she can travel back and forth to china right now! She would enter china using her chinese passport and gain entry back to the US with the visa.

The only issue you'll want to pay attention to is filing for the AOS; you'll get a biometrics appointment at some point. The length of time for the approval and receiving of a green card varies across the country; you can also ask questions about this at CFL... best to you two.

[wayne972]

thanks for all the help. I'll be at candle for love from now on I think...See Ya!

[crazy-meiguoren]

Wayne, best wishes in getting your wife acclimated to US life. All I can say is hang in there and make the best of it. If she is committed to making the adjustment, then it will happen bit by bit. Time is on your side. I had felt quite a bit of homesickness myself when I had moved to another state. I eventually adjusted; the hardest part was making new friends. Years later, I married a country gal, and moved to the big city (Seattle). She hated everything about it - high cost of living, traffic, fear of crime. Years later, we returned to the smaller town - where I grew up, and only a 15-minute drive to her native one-horse town - and, guess what? She had gotten used to the well-kept neighborhoods, activities and convenience of the big town. I know it's nothing compared to taking a new wife from overseas, placing her in a strange culture with little knowledge of the new country's language, but the underlying causes are much the same.

[csun213]

Hi Wayne, just to let you know that my brother also married a Chinese girl however she is from Taiwan.

The problem with your wife is that she doesn't really know anyone here in the U.S.

2nd, her English is probably not as good as she feels. The Chinese people are very big on face therefore she will not speak to other people unless she is sure that she can be understood.

What I would do is to get her a sat/cable that have the Chinese channel. I know that they are offering them for about $20 per month.

This will give her something to watch when you are at work, then when you are off work, take her to meet your close friends or Chinese friends. Get her to feel comfortable with them (this will take some time), once she feels comfortable enough then she will start to call the them (the ladies) and start to hang around her friends.

My sister-in-law started with no friends, now she has a group of her friends and is no longer home sick.

Promise her a time (guess the time) when she will be able to go home to visit her family.

Get her and her family a video phone (2 in a set), they are easy and very simple to hookup. (send me a PM and I can tell you where to purchase it). They work with regular phone line and you can't believe what a difference it would make that your wife can see her family while talking to them (of course her family can see her also). It really was a big deal for my sister-in-law.

It will take a lot of work on your part to make her happy however just think what she gave up to come here to be with you.

Let me know if you have any other questions or you can PM me if you want to talk.

I have a lot of friends that have married girls from both China and Taiwan, most of the have a great marriage. It just takes a lot of initial work on your part. You know the old saying, no pain no gain and it is worth fighting for. Good Luck.

[Woodpecker]

Any news, Wayn972?

[blueyankee445]

You must hang in here.Your life and hers will become better,if you give in on some of the

important things she holds as a value in her life.One thing you may have to learn to be

happy,and stay happy,even when you do not feel so like doing.Your wife is a stranger in

the U.S.A,but you are also a stranger to her,regardless of your efforts to please her.My

marriage to a Chinese Woman here in China,was not easy the first year.The second year

is still questionable,but we are better with each other as her English improves.Our lives are

much better now,though the lingering perils are still very existent,and we can change on a

toss of a coin.However,we do not continue the bad thoughts,we forget and go to different subjects,and our dispostions change almost immediately.Yet,we are constanly together

when she is not working her four to twenty hour days and sometimes two ,three weeks or

more. If you want to discuss this later contact me at blueyankee445@yahoo.com Sincerely Jim

[innaba]

Hi,

sorry to hear of your difficulties with your Chinese lady. I had the same problem and I know what you are going through. It took a year to pass and from what I have learned along the way this is about the period of adjustment that is common.

I'd like to help and there ARE things you can do to speed the adjustment along, of course the patience of a Saint is a big advantage. smile.

One thing that definitely helped us a LOT was getting an unlimited long distance phone service to China. Mine costs me $25 a month and my wife talks to home EVERY day.

Having only just joined, I'm not quite sure how this site works

Admin: Deleted request for off-board contact.

Edited May 8, 2009 at 09:26 AM by imron