could someone please comment or maybe help revise it? appreciated!

[ruoxuan]

i don't know if it's appropriate to put an essay here.

the thing is i'm giving GRE AWA next month. i'm preparing for it on my own and do not have any peers on my hand to give advices or point out my weakness (even grammar mistakes and sentence misorders) it's driving me nuts.

any comments from you would be really appreciated. so here it goes:

Issue topic:

How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society.

The speaker asserts that society’s destiny relies on children’s socialization and that we have not yet learned how to raise children to bring out a better society. The claims may seem tempting at first blush. However, neither aspects of the speaker’s dual claim could withstand the test of rigorous factual scrutiny.

First turn to the former assertion. It is undeniable that children’s healthy socialization contributes greatly to our society’s progress. By competing and giving speeches for a monitor’s position, children are nurturing their leadership for later career. By playing chess, they are unconsciously learning to negotiate. By working with peers to organize a community party, they benefit and have fun from cooperation. Conversely, it is entirely possible that, without wholesome socialization, children prone to go to extremes and ultimately become anti-social adults.

Nevertheless, by claiming that it’s the determinant factor that decides society’s fate, the statement is merely an exaggeration. It is the complex functioning of an infinite number of internal and external factors --- including chances, social backgrounds, individual intellect, self conviction and so on--- that makes our society what it is today. And socialization is definitely one among them. An example to justify this point was Lao-tzu, whose philosophy, in loose and strict forms alike, has widely impacted Chinese of all walks of life, directly and indirectly. His personal will and determination to transmit to the masses his philosophical faith are the very stuff that pushed the society forward rather than his socialization. Another example of this was Friedrich Nietzsche, the remarkable German ideologist, for the remaining years of whose life was clinically insane. His erratic personality, exclusive childhood and his relatively narrow social circle did not inhibit him from becoming a master in the philosophy field, but his sophisticated logical thinking played a primary role in paving the way for his profound influence on German life.

Turn next to the latter assertion about the speaker’s pessimistic attitude toward the future of our children and society. The very notion of a better society, I assume, if is predicated on its superiority to our past society. Then we have reached this goal, and we are continuously reaching further goals.

Some might argue that our progress could not conceal countless social problems such as juvenile delinquency, suicide, teenage pregnancy, mental illness, ect. Some point out that while our children, swamped in a rapidly changing society with high-technologies and comprehensive information, are more open-minded than older generations, they are more than ever before over exposed to violence, sex, drugs and piles of rubbish information. Thus our society as well as education is deviating far and far from traditional values and moralities.

Yes, these problems do exist. But in which era of which society had there been no intractable issues? While we should have courage to face these dark sides of society, and work out effective ways to solve them, we should also foresee our brighter tomorrow. Our children today, sitting in the same classroom regardless of complexion, religion, culture, have learned to be more tolerant of disparate ideas, voices and values while racial segregation was still a nightmare half a century ago. In their passionate pursuit of liberty, equal civil rights, mutual respect and self-realization, they’ve also gained the competence to cooperate, negotiate with others, to see events in perspective through skeptical eyes at an early age. In a global realm, our young scientists from all over the world have worked together on Human Genome Project to identify and determine the sequences of the 3 billion chemical pairs that make up human DNA; our astronauts, generation by generation, have built close collaboration in outer space exploration; our environmentalists from each and every corner on our planet, have reached beyond nation and country an agreement to work at the Global Conversation Organization. In short, our society is and will always be better in hopes of the younger generation.

In sum, the speaker overstates the significance of children’s socialization when it comes to what is the determinant factor of society’s destiny; on the other hand, he arbitrarily deem our education a failure to bring about a better society. Thus I fundamentally disagree with both of the speaker’s assertions.

[creamyhorror]

One or two suggestions (not making changes to style, but rather correcting grammar errors and unidiomatic usage):

we have not yet learned how to raise children to bring out a better society.

"bring out" --> "bring forth", "bring about", or "give rise to"

By competing and giving speeches for a monitor’s position, children are nurturing their leadership for later career

"giving speeches for the position of class monitor"; "for their future careers"

Conversely, it is entirely possible that, without wholesome socialization, children prone to go to extremes and ultimately become anti-social adults.

"entirely possible that without whole socialization,"; "children may be prone to"

Nevertheless, by claiming that it’s the determinant factor that decides society’s fate, the statement is merely an exaggeration.

"in claiming that socialization is"; "the determinant of society's fate" or "the factor that decides society's fate" or "the determining factor in society's fate"

An example to justify this point was Lao-tzu

"An example that justifies this point"

[creamyhorror]

However, neither aspects of the speaker’s dual claim could withstand the test of rigorous factual scrutiny.

"neither aspect"; "can withstand"

First turn to the former assertion.

"Let me begin with the former assertion."

His personal will and determination to transmit to the masses his philosophical faith are the very stuff that pushed the society forward rather than his socialization.

"is the very stuff" (debatable); "pushed society forward"; "(rather than his socialization as a child)." or "forward, and not his socialization as a child."

Another example of this was Friedrich Nietzsche, the remarkable German ideologist, for the remaining years of whose life was clinically insane.

Remaining? You didn't give a time of reference, so this doesn't make sense. If you gave a time of reference, you should rephrase it to "who was clinically insane for the remaining years of his life."

His erratic personality, exclusive childhood and his relatively narrow social circle did not inhibit him from becoming a master in the philosophy field

"and relatively narrow"; "did not prohibit" or "did not preclude his becoming"; "the field of philosophy"

Turn next to the latter assertion about the speaker’s pessimistic attitude toward the future of our children and society.

"I now turn to the latter assertion that we are not raising children who will better society - an assertion that betrays a rather pessimistic attitude toward"

The very notion of a better society, I assume, if is predicated on its superiority to our past society.

", is predicated"; "current society"

Then we have reached this goal, and we are continuously reaching further goals.

I don't understand this sentence or how it links to the previous one. You should *rewrite this pair of sentences.

Some might argue that our progress could not conceal

"cannot conceal"

mental illness, ect.

", and so forth."

swamped in a rapidly changing society with high-technologies and comprehensive information,

"swamped with high-technology and copious amounts of information in a rapidly-changing world"

they are more than ever before over exposed to violence, sex, drugs and piles of rubbish information.

"they are being exposed to more violence, sex, drugs, and garbage information than ever before."

Thus our society as well as education is deviating far and far from traditional values and moralities.

"society, as well as education, is deviating further and further" - I don't understand why you use "education", which is vague and probably refers to the "educational system".

But in which era of which society had there been no intractable issues?

"have there been"

we should also foresee our brighter tomorrow.

"anticipate our brighter tomorrow" or "a brighter"

complexion, religion, culture,

"skin color, religion, and culture,"

I don't have any more time to continue, so hopefully someone else can help you out. Your writing is generally fine but still rough around the edges (going by native-speaker standards). Keep working at it - good luck.

Edited August 22, 2008 at 12:09 PM by creamyhorror

[ruoxuan]

appreciate your taking so much time for this.

many thanks.

i'll keep working.