Could you help me to judge of this composition?

[galitonwu]

I am learning English now, and here is my English composition. I hope to get more suggestions from you. And you could write Chinese composition if you want to do. Then I will give you some suggestion too. Thank you!

The request of the composition:

You have just bought a walkman from a shop at the airport but found a fault with it after reaching home. Write to the shop for a solution.

About 150-180 words.

My composition is :

Dear Sir,

I hope you could change a walkman for me.

Yesterday afternoon, I bought a walkman from your shop at the airport. And when I was back to home, I found something wrong with the function of recording. I could not record the voice clearly.

I read the product handbook, and looked through the part of troubleshooter about recording. Then I thought that was the trouble of the product. So I had to write this letter to you.

Because of the long distance from your shop to my house, I am going to post this walkman to you this afternoon. When you receive it, please change a good one for me.

At the bottom of the letter, there are my address, my postcode and my full name.

Please try your best to deal with this matter as quickly as possible. I hope I can use a good working walkman at this weekend. Thank you!

Yours sincerely

Galiton Wu

June 16, 2004

[benotnobody]

This is very good Gaoliton Wu!! Considering you aren't a native speaker, that was exceptional; very clear to understand.

One tiny correction: when you use the verb "change" in this context, it implies that you want to change something into another, not for another. Perhaps a better way to say this would be:

"Could you please exchange this faulty Walkman for a good one.", specifying what you want to exchange it for.

Otherwise, great! You can correct my Chinese essays any time. If you want to, of course.

[galitonwu]

Thank you .

If you have Chinese composition, please send them to my mailbox.

galiton@hotmail.com

[xuechengfeng]

I'll be back with help for this after work, looks pretty good though.

[galitonwu]

Thank you.

[JoH]

Yes, excellent letter. The point about 'exchange' is the main thing you should change. But your meaning is very clear anyway. Here are a few more small points...

- Instead of 'the function of recording' it would be better to say 'the recording function'.

- Instead of 'the part of troubleshooter' you could say 'the troubleshooter section'.

- Instead of 'the trouble of the product' you could say 'a problem with the product'.

And to make it really realistic, you could specify which type of walkman you bought (which brand).

Well done!

Jo

[xuechengfeng]

Consider the ideas in red.

My composition is :

Dear Sir, You should probably say "Dear Sir or Madam" or "To Whom It May Concern" because maybe a man sold you the product, but you may be writing to a woman.

I hope you will (I would say "will" because saying "could" is basically saying I hope you are physically able to do it, which he obviously can) exchange my walkman.

Yesterday afternoon, I bought a walkman from your shop in the airport. (Typically a sentence should not begin with "and")When I returned home, I found a malfunction with your product. I could not record my voice clearly.

I read your walkman's manual and looked through the troubleshooting section on recording. (omit "then" it sounds like if you were to use it, it should be preceeded by a comma)I thought that was the trouble of the product, (shouldn't start sentence with "so" usually only after a comma) so I had to write this letter to you. (also shouldn't start with "because") I am going to post this walkman to you because of the long distance from your shop to my house. When you receive it, please exchange the walkman for a functioning one. At the bottom of the letter is my address, postcode and full name.

Please try your best to deal with this matter as quickly as possible. I am hoping to be able to use a working walkman this weekend. Thank you!

Sincerely yours,

Galiton Wu

June 16, 2004

[xuechengfeng]

There is quite a lot of red, but don't get discouraged because it is actually really good. The corrections just make it sound a little better.

A couple of notes..

You typically shouldn't start a sentence with conjunctions (and, but, or, yet, for, nor, so)

What I've been told is if you have a sentence referring to what you're talking about (in this case "walkman"), you can use "walkman" in sentence one, if you are referring to it in sentence 2 you may use "your product" "it" etc. Then if you refer to it once more, it should be refreshed as to what you're talking about "walkman."

good luck

[galitonwu]

Thank you .

xuechengfeng

JoH

[Guest Yau]

oh-la-la. I think we'll need an english proof reading section for enthusiastic english learners soon.

[keith]

Yeah, definitely. Maybe good ol' Roddy will decide to set one up! Good luck guys.

[filipu]

An english proof reading section is a really good idea and I'd be happy to help - any chance could we have a Chinese one too cos I keep putting 的 and 了in the wrong place in my sentences!!

[roddy]

Chinese to be proofread can go in the reading and writing forum (there are already quite a few there).

English to be proofread is welcome to go in here (Other cultures and languages). I'm not going to start a specific forum just for English.

Roddy