Insane jealousy

[sthubbar]

I seems my blushing new chinese bride has a serious character flaw: insane jealously. In particular, she is jealous of my Chinese tutor.

I have had this tutor for over 2 years, along with both of her sisters. I have never had a single romantic interest in any of these girls. I even have my classes at home while my wife is around.

Part of her objection is that during my lessons I will often "shoot the shit", BS, or just generally talk about whatever I want because I hate studying and I need to do anything to take a break or I'll completely quit. My wife takes these discussions as flirting.

The situation is critical, because I have told my wife that I will give up the tutor, but that means that I am going to stop studying Chinese completely.

As many of you know, I hate studying Chinese, even though I still have a great desire to master this language. If I am required to study without a tutor, I won't do it because I hate it so much. I have tried group classes almost everywhere and find them practically useless.

If I were to take private lessons out of the house, away from my wife's jealous eye, then she will just be more suspicious and crazy.

I hate to go there, but I'd be dishonest if I said I haven't considered divorce, after only 2 weeks of marriage.

This seems extreme, and there are some details I have left out, it just seems like she is acting completely insane.

Any suggestions?

[mpallard]

Get out of there dude! At least if you get out of it soon it won't bankrupt you later.

It'll be a bit embarasing to tell people you got divorced after 2 weeks but it beats being married for 10 years and then getting divorced.

Jealousy is a sign of more serious issues.

[HashiriKata]

Any suggestions?

It doesn't look good, especially as I remember you saying your wife was pregnant, and that means the baby's future doesn't look very bright if you don't handle your situation well.

I'd advise you to look deep into yourself and see what can be corrected and what can be saved, and not in the direction "if my wife's insanely jealous then it's entirely her fault."

Believe in yourself: you're a man, still the captain of the boat. Don't let it sink!

[randall_flagg]

I don't know you two, so this is difficult. But if it were me I would try and make her understand that you love her and only her. To my nonprofessional eyes, jealousy is a sign of insecurity. I think that even if you drop the tutor, your wife would find a new jealously target (a neighbor, a colleague etc) very soon.

So my advice: Go out of your way to express you feelings for her and your absolute loyalty. Make her understand that you are very outgoing (maybe this is why she likes you?) and that's all that is. Tell her that you are desperate and maybe even a bit scared.

I wish the two of you the best of luck!

Randall

[Meng Lelan]

Hire your wife as your one and only tutor. Problem solved.

[kdavid]

I seems my blushing new chinese bride has a serious character flaw: insane jealously.

I'm surprised that no one here as mentioned this yet, but this is so typical of Chinese women. They are all insanely jealous. So are the men. You may see this as a flaw, but it's just life with Chinese women.

I have told my wife that I will give up the tutor

You shouldn't have given in so easily. She's going to use this against you now.

but that means that I am going to stop studying Chinese completely.

Does she speak English? If so, this is of no consequence to her.

I hate studying Chinese, even though I still have a great desire to master this language. If I am required to study without a tutor, I won't do it because I hate it so much.

I hate to say it, but with this type of attitude you're never going to master the language. It takes a lot of effort, a love for the language, and border line (full blown?) obsession to master all aspects of Chinese.

Have you ever thought of finding a male tutor? Then you could give her shit about just talking to him in a friendly manner.

[Meng Lelan]

Gentlemen! No profanity please, jealous and nonjealous women are viewing your posts.

[imron]

Surely it would also be possible to find a male tutor, either that, or a significantly older female tutor that would not inspire such jealously in your wife? Compared to divorce, that seems like a much less extreme solution.

[sthubbar]

randall_flagg understands my major concerns. I suspect this will just be tranferred to other women in my life, like the ai. I also am not too keen on living a life where I can't intereact with any attractive women on any level.

The idea of having my wife be my tutor seems unlikely. She doesn't like my study method and criticizes me and has even started making fun of my Chinese lately. This is all despite the fact that my Chinese is better than 99% of the foreigners that she has ever met no matter how long they have been studying.

No, she does not speak English, so my improving my Chinese ability would probably be significant in our future relationship.

Finding a male tutor is feasible, though again, she will just be insanely jealous over the next woman I meet.

I have a relatively close older Chinese male friend who has 2 kids and seems happily married and enjoys beautiful girlfriends. He does almost no social activities with his wife, so much that after more than 1 year I have never met his wife. I guess maybe it might work better if I followed his model and didn't take my wife anywhere and just left her home to raise the kid(s).

[roddy]

What would you do if she wasn't Chinese? Do that.

[flameproof]

Any suggestions?

Give her the boot. Seriously, I would kick her out.

Jealousy means that she does not trust you. Do you want to be with somebody that has no trust in you?

I am not sure if jealousy is curable. Before you kick her out you can discuss professional help. But if she does not realize that she has a "condition" and refuses to work on it then I would not hesitate to end it here and now.

If not, you will regret it until you divorce.

Surely it would also be possible to find a male tutor, either that, or a significantly older female tutor that would not inspire such jealously in your wife? Compared to divorce, that seems like a much less extreme solution.

That's not the point. The problem is not THAT particular girl. It's a much more general problem. Every time you go and come back from a trip there will be mistrust. Of course, breaking with all friends, never going out, never look at or talk to females on purpose is the option SHE would love you to do.

[heifeng]

I have a relatively close older Chinese male friend who has 2 kids and seems happily married and enjoys beautiful girlfriends. He does almost no social activities with his wife, so much that after more than 1 year I have never met his wife. I guess maybe it might work better if I followed his model and didn't take my wife anywhere and just left her home to raise the kid(s).

hmmm...are you joking? what exactly does enjoy beautiful girlfriends mean? OR maybe this was the wife his family wanted for him. Don't tell me this girl was hand picked by your mother and father or something. Time to stop passing the buck young man!

What? And give her the boot? You guys are pretty cruel. Unless you've only known her for a full 2 weeks before you married too, I suggest you work harder on your Chinese and put in some effort before you call it quits! I really hope that you aren't seriously considering divorce so quickly. To the guys simply telling him to divorce her, would you really just divorce someone you apparently loved enough to marry and turn her into 2nd hand goods and humiliate her so easily? Maybe in the US it's just easy to kick someone to the curb, but there is a much bigger stigma attached to this in China!

Ok, back to the topic at hand, after reading all these posts from guys, I have to play the devil's advocate a bit here.

1) Sometimes guys and girls of any country can exhibit extreme jealously, it's not just a Chinese thing. Although I have definitely seen the green-eyed monster rear it's ugly head much more in China, BUT opposite sex friendships are not as common in China than let's just say the US. DON'T TELL ME YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED THIS YET?? TSK TSK If you do have a friendship with someone of the opposite sex, there seems to be the constant need to justify the friendship, or whatever. In girls eyes other girls are always out to steal her man, and guys just think 'i know how all guys think', therefore you shouldn't have guy friends b/c their just gonna be trying to get some anyway and it's not that I don't trust you, it's that I don't trust him...don't thoughts like this run through a guy's head? So why can't a girl think it too? Plus, is what HashiriKata wrote true? Your wife is pregnant? Hello, doesn't that just make women crazy and unreasonable in general? Sheesh....

2) So, let's consider the point of view of your wife: Does your tutor speak English to you when you two chat? Does your wife hear you having a nice chat with another woman and she starts to feel paranoid. Maybe it's unreasonable...but not 100% unimaginable. Have you ever heard someone speak a foreign language and just feel convinced they were talking smack about you, maybe your wife is just really good at working herself up and is letting her imagination get the best of her and now it comes out as this crazy jealousy!

3) Or, maybe you and your tutor just speak Chinese. Are you sure the whole issue is REALLY because she's jealous? Maybe the whole problem is based on something else like, i dunno, you are paying money and not studying, and just chatting with a girl. Congrats your 1/3 of your way to 三陪. It's not uncommon for girls to throw their tempers about one thing b/c of something else that may or may not be related...time to have a 'The Wonder Years' moment: YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID KEVIN....so you may have to put some thought into some other issues that may be driving her to be annoyed at you in general and directing it at your tutor.

4）What's the background of your wife? Even if she's a big city girl and not quite as conservative, certain views on how guys and girls should act run pretty deep. Just b/c she dated and married a foreigner doesn't mean she thinks like a western woman.

5) I don't think you would have to go as far as finding a new tutor, but I think you have to pick your battles and ideally you should know how to deal with the woman you married.

6) I actually wonder if your wife hired an foreign, male English tutor and was joking around with him for an hour each day or so what you would think of it...maybe you would just think 'woman better crack open a book once in a while or stop with the gosh darn tutoring nonsense and just cook me dinner if that's how she's gonna spend our money and her time!'

Edited November 12, 2008 at 07:34 AM by heifeng
i typed all my a's in woman with e's...it's a new typing low today...

[Meng Lelan]

sthubbar, let me make this clear. You got married to her, you got into bed with her, you're having a baby with her, you've got serious issues with her that require more help than the Chinese-forums.com can possibly offer. Turn off your computer and go get professional help now, in the real world and in the real time.

[Artem]

To the OP, step one is to show her how much you care about her. Take her out to a nice dinner, make her feel like she is the only girl in your life that matters. Then, at a later time sit down with her and explain your position carefully, don't argue. Like someone said earlier, think about what would you do if you married a jealous non-Chinese, how would you approach it?

It shouldn't matter much if she is Chinese or not. Meet each other half way, otherwise both of you will regret it.

[Hanlink]

This is an unsuitable topic for a language forum and if you view it as a cultural question, jealousy is hardly a uniquely Chinese trait, nor a uniquely feminine trait. It sounds like you both have communication issues and need counseling in a language you are both comfortable with and where you are both able to express yourselves fully and be understood fully.

[ABCinChina]

Maybe you should have thought about all this before getting her pregnant! You obviously seem pretty immature regarding this situation...

[rob07]

randall_flagg understands my major concerns. I suspect this will just be tranferred to other women in my life, like the ai. I also am not too keen on living a life where I can't intereact with any attractive women on any level.

Was that a Freudian slip?

[adrianlondon]

As someone who doesn't really believe in marriage, I'd say go for the divorce. Doesn't matter whar nationality she is, but assuming she knew you were having Mandarin lessons before you married her, then she's being too controlling now.

And laughing at your Chinese skills doesn't sound like someone who is in love. We've got no idea why she narried you (I suspect you don't really know either) but you need to think about why you married her. If some fundamental parts have changed, or you got them wrong, then end the marriage.

As I say, marriage doesn't mean much to me, so I'm happy to tell people to get divorced especially when you've only been married for two weeks, but you need to look into the future and think how you're going to feel,

Someone above referred to a child on the way. Is that the case? Is that why you got married? That does complicate matters. Do you wan to be a father or are you happy to pay your way out (with your wife's parents taking on the parental duties)?

From what I saw of youngish couples walking around Beijing, Chinese relationships are based on the woman shouting at the husband in the street, him smiling lots, and then just doing what he was going to do anyway. You could try that approach.

[gougou]

then she's being too controlling now

And that's a reason for divorce? I'm not a promoter of marriages either, but I believe once you took this step you shouldn't undo it to carelessly - especially as it might mean a lot to your partner.

I'd also be vary about infering about her love for him just by the fact that she laughs about him. Personally, I laugh about people that I like/love much more often than about people I don't like - you kid because you love, don't you?

@sthubbar, how long did you know her before getting married? Did you notice her being jealous during that time as well?

I would recommend you to take a deep breath and take things a bit easier. I would imagine that it's not completely out of the ordinary to think about divorce after having been married for a short time only, as you have to get used to a new situation. Maybe you're overreacting and in a month or so, that jealousy might not seem so bad anymore.

Also, read heifeng's post. Again. It might not be exactly what you want to hear, but there's good points in there.

[adrianlondon]

I laugh about people that I like

But do you laugh AT people you love? From the post, it seemed more of a "taking the piss" than a friendly chuckle. But this is just the internet and I'm no marriage or relationship councillor, especially when I don't have all the facts.

The correct response, of course, is that none of us are qualified or know the OP well enough to comment, but then if that rule were applied to all internet forums, they'd be empty.