Insane jealousy

[randall_flagg]

OK, I have a lot of things I'd like to say, but I am curious whether the OP has an update for us?

PS. Jealousy exists in all (?) cultures, but boy, is it ever more present in China or am I just crazy? Add to that cell phones and being constantly available (or having to be) and you've got one heck of a mess!

[gato]

sthubbar, you get worked up too easily. You should do what suggested before in another with you and relax (at least for a few more months). You gotta examine if something in you that's causing the issue as well.

Remember this thread?

http://www.chinese-forums.com/showthread.php?p=113565&highlight=relax#post113565

Sthubbar, you gotta relax. First.....

Remember those nice peaceful days of learning children's poems? Take it easy. It seems that you have all this pent-up anger or frustration in you. Maybe you've been studying too hard.

[outcast]

You married a chinese girl, she is now in control of your life. Learn to like it because most chinese girls are this way.

[afriday11]

I had 2 chinese girlfriends the year that I lived in china and they were less jealous/ possessive than American girls that I have encountered in my life. Now granted they both lived in Shanghai, and I made it clear to them that I don't put up with bullshit, but was I lucky?

Other people I knew told me that Chinese girls are very jealous and always want to know what you are doing, but I often wouldn't even talk to my girlfriend for a few days at a time and that didn't seem to cause any problems.

Also, do you think they would change if I was interested in a longer term relationship/marriage? I know that everyone's expectations change when they get married, but would they change from reasonable to unreasonable?

--as for the question that was originally asked, I think you need to look after your wife's needs and look at this problem from her perspective (as one earlier post did a great job doing), but you need to man up now and then and tell her how things are (whatever they may be), and that you are not planning on having lots of girlfriends, like so many Chinese guys do (which might be a reason why so many Chinese girls are so jealous, if they really are). I don't mean to sound disrespectful towards Chinese culture, but some aspects of relationships I have seen are very unhealthy and force many good people into long and unhappy marriages.

[BrandeX]

Or, be more dominant. People respect their partners more when they are not submissive/underneath them socially. Your wife laughing at you rather than supporting you suggests this imo. With my (Chinese not that I think that matters, I find western women the most demanding) wife, early and often i state things such as "I will do as I please, etc." (but typically compromise anyways), and we are on a equal ground of respect for each other and each others feelings/opinions. Also it helps that my Chinese sucks, she tells me she is not good at arguing in English haha, but I think that both partners being completely fluent and openly able to communicate in any one language is essential.

[sthubbar]

Thank you everyone for the responses. I appreciate the variety of suggestions and that was just the type of support I was looking for.

As I type this right now, things are looking good. We just had make-up sex and I may be returning to the previous routine with the same tutor still taking classes at home.

I think what contributed to her having an attitude adjustment was my suggestion that we can always get a divorce. As many people suspect, jealousy is really just an expression of love and I suspect that when she figured out that the way she was acting may lead to her losing someone she loves, she considered changing her attitude. Also, I think me being away from home for two days in a row, and having a female Chinese mutual friend call and talk to her helped.

I had already fired my tutor, so we'll see if my tutor is still available to offer me classes now. We'll also see if she really can stand hearing me BSing with my tutor. BTW, all the talking with the tutor is in Chinese.

[Lu]

Well, glad to read you two worked things out. I hope you can keep working things out, and talking to one another.

I've also heard that Chinese women are more jealous than other women, but then Chinese men seem to cheat a lot more than other men also, so perhaps they have good reason to be jealous.

[Meng Lelan]

I think what contributed to her having an attitude adjustment was my suggestion that we can always get a divorce

sthubbar, don't get the idea that suggesting a divorce will always work anytime you have a communication breakdown. "Suggesting" a divorce is really a form of bullying when you use it to substitute for real relationship communication. Four years ago that was exactly what my now-ex-husband did - told me to either turn down a job offered to me or get a divorce. Guess what I did? Took the job and got the divorce and I have never regretted it since because he really was a bully.

[elina]

"Suggesting" a divorce is really a form of bullying when you use it to substitute for real relationship communication. Four years ago that was exactly what my now-ex-husband did - told me to either turn down a job offered to me or get a divorce. Guess what I did? Took the job and got the divorce and I have never regretted it since because he really was a bully.

I agree with you. Don’t expect to make the relationship better and smoothly through suggesting or threatening divorce. It’s a wise choice, Meng Lelan, I think people are not happy without the three things:

1. job

2. good friends, including female and male friends

3. hobbies

[kdavid]

Jealousy exists in all (?) cultures, but boy, is it ever more present in China or am I just crazy?

You're not crazy unless I am.

You married a chinese girl, she is now in control of your life. Learn to like it because most chinese girls are this way.

A good (great?) relationship with a Chinese woman is like this. But, that's just IMHO.

We just had make-up sex

WTF, mate? Is this something you really share with a bunch of strangers?

I think what contributed to her having an attitude adjustment was my suggestion that we can always get a divorce.

After 2 weeks of marriage? Are you serious?

sthubbar, your comments throughout this discussion have painted a quite candid picture of your "relationship" with this woman. I think you have a lot of growing up to do, emotionally and mentally, in order to make this marriage successful, which needs to be THE priority in your life now that not only her life, but now that of a child's, is your responsibility.

[mikehiranuma]

Well, keep in mind (should the problem resurface) you need to see things from her perspective. How would you feel if she had a male English tutor who she was always joking around with at your house?

[g1izmo]

Communication. Sit down as a couple and talk about the situation - how you feel - how she feels etc! Try to come to some kind of mutual understanding rather than a resolution. If she continues to be jelous and insecure you might want to consider bailing.

Communication is key, its what makes us human.

[simonlaing]

Hey Stubbar,

I am glad everything worked out ok. I had a similar if less extreme issue with walking with a female colleague at lunch. (compounded also by being just married as well I think.)

After way to much back an forth I agreed to walk in groups of three with 2 female friends so people didn't get the wrong idea. (I thought extreme right? ) But she and the mother-in-law explained how the perspective and mianzi of a person in public is very important. In the cultural revolution (of which her family was on the wrong side of along with most of the population) this could be a life or death by work camp issue.

So that's why it was a tender issue. Re-assuring her that this person didn't pose a threat and she was still my wife helped things along.

Though I think the period just after marriage, and during stressful times can trigger these issues.

Good luck with things.

have fun,

Simon;)

[hidden12345]

You married a chinese girl, she is now in control of your life. Learn to like it because most chinese girls are this way.

Hahah... this is soo true. I'm glad someone on this forum has reached an advanced enough level where they can actually see the reality of matriarchal Chinese culture for what it is.

Seriously, if you want to be all "Chinese" about it: just lie and be passive aggressive. As much as that seems so wrong and immoral and blah blah blah to someone who grew up with Western cultural presuppositions, she'll understand it on a more intuitive level. Just tell her she's right, and that you are being 过分， and then continue to do it anyway. Hell, you might as well sleep with the tutor (and her sisters) since you've already sold your soul; might as well squeeze every penny out of the deal (also very Chinese).

[ABCinChina]

Just tell her she's right, and that you are being 过分， and then continue to do it anyway. Hell, you might as well sleep with the tutor (and her sisters)

I think you're on to something...

[gerri]

On to how to get the divorce you were thinking about.