Relationship Etiquette in Front of Family

[potato]

Hello everybody.

I am from the UK, and my partner is Chinese, from Beijing. Her family are modern, but I have a couple of questions maybe for the Chinese people here.

I noticed that my partner did not want to be seen with me touching her in front of her family. At one time, when a door closed in a room we were in in their flat, she got quite nervous.

Is is true when family are in the same house or flat this is normal? Also, an unmarried couple should not sleep together in China?

We are having relationship problems now, and I am wondering if perhaps my partner is not being totally honest with me about some things. For example, if I am in the Uk and she is spending time in China, we will often not talk for days at a time. She feels this is normal in a Chinese relationship, but I have heard some horror stories.

For example a number of her friends had both Chinese boyfriends in China, and a Uk boyfriend here, which is not a very nice thing to happen to anybody.

My main question is regarding traditions in front of Chinese families though - I noticed nobody cuddles each other when meeting someone for the frist time for example - is this normal?

Thanks for any responses.

[renzhe]

My main question is regarding traditions in front of Chinese families though - I noticed nobody cuddles each other when meeting someone for the frist time for example - is this normal?

Yes, this is normal. If a Chinese girl fondles you in front of her parents the first time you meet her, run away

People in the UK are used to more physical contact and open shows of affection in public. Often times, in the UK it can get quite vulgar too, in my experience, and China is the other extreme.

In my experience, holding hands, sleeping together, kissing each other, etc. in front of the family is not usual, especially if the family doesn't know you well. They are not stupid, they know you hold hands and kiss when they are not around, but it's still considered inappropriate to do this in front of family.

It will vary, of course, but everything you describe is normal.

Edited November 17, 2008 at 02:00 AM by renzhe

[simonlaing]

Yeah, I wouldn't recommend getting your fix in public through fondling,

But little things like holding hands in the street, walking arm in arm or even with you arm over the shoulder is a Huge sign of affection here.

Different families have different norms. Her's might be more sensitive.

On the phone calls , arranging specific times to call each other can be a good way to keep trust while letting the other person arrange his or her other life activities.

I wouldn't be so suspicious of cheat when they don't call you every day.

Good luck,

Simon:)

[Lu]

The not touching when family is around is normal, from what I know. As to the not calling for days, this is not a Chinese thing. It doesn't have to mean she's dishonest to you, it might be that her personality is so that she just needs the space, and doesn't like being checked on all the time. You know her best, you're the only one who can tell whether something is wrong.

[potato]

Thank you for the responses. It is good to know that this etiquette is still intact. If you compare this to certain areas in America it actually seems better that in most Chinese places open love outside is still unacceptable.

We generally communicate fine, I just find that China-Mobile has issues with SMS and phones ringing when the SIM card is not even active. So I never truly know if the phone is ringing or not, quite a problem at times.

We are both smart people, I am hopeful things will resolve themselves.

Regards