Please please help me with attending a Chinese Funeral

[pippauk]

Hello there, I am hoping that somebody can help me as I am desperate.

My Boyfriend's Mother has just died and he is Chinese. Unfortunately he is in prison at the moment and I have been told that I need to sort it that he wears white to the funeral. I am not sure what I need to buy and would appreciate any help with ideas as I am not close to his family.

Also, we have a daughter together and we would be attending the funeral so I would like to know what colour and what we should be wearing that is respectful for the Chinese custom. And also what flowers to get and if there is anything that I could do in the lead up to the funeral-I just don't want to do anything wrong as I am not close with his family but would like to be closer with them.

His previous partner will also be there with their children too. Thank you for your help everyone x

[anon6969]

Sounds messed up. How about asking a Chinese person?! I guess not many foreigners have been to a Chinese funeral (probably more have been to a wedding...).

Edited February 16, 2009 at 02:49 AM by imron
language.

[mr.demoman]

chinese person coming up here, black is absolutely the most appropriate color. and chrysanthemum is likely to be the right flower, at least in my homeland it is so. you can choose some yellow or white ones.

one thing you should always keep in mind, no red color. no matter the clothes or the flowers.

hope this helpful to you

[jbradfor]

Check with your boyfriend. Or a friend/sibling of his.

Chinese funeral customs vary a lot within China. To say nothing of how much things vary if this is being held outside China. [Which you didn't specify, but it sounds like it is.] So asking some random Chinese person, let alone asking us, might not get you the specific information for your circumstances.

In general, however, the previous posters are correct. White is the traditional funeral color, but Western influence is making blank more common, especially if the funeral is held outside China. Chrysanthemums are good.

You may or may not see this, but in case you do:

People often pay their last respects by going up to the casket and bowing three times. Sometimes you do it when you first enter, sometimes it is part of the ceremony, sometimes both. [There is often a very particular order to who goes when when part of the ceremony.] So just keep your eyes open and follow what others do.

You might be given a red envelope with a small amount of money and candy inside. Eat the candy soon after the ceremony if over, and spend the money ASAP. Don't ask me why, it's tradition.

[Stefani]

Interesting about the color of clothes worn. When my grandparents passed away, for the funeral my parents wore white. It is supposed to indicate that they are the ones in mourning. We are overseas Chinese in Asia by the way.

When my uncle passed away in the US, his wife and children wore black and the flowers on top of his casket were red roses.

Where is the funeral going to be?

[simonlaing]

As said before China has various traditions on funerals,

Some funerals there is a procession with the wife at the front. Others there is a funeral dinner and then people come back to the person's house. Usually every guest party will give you or the other ex wife a red bag. Sometimes they bring flowers as well.(You may be asked to pool this money and split it in half).

Sometimes incense and food is prepared.

Sometimes there is a procession from the home in cars to the burial site which might be a ways away.

Crying is normal.

Make sure to accept the red bags, refusing would be impolite. Since there are kids around when you go back to your house other relatives might help with giving people tea or keeping the kids entertained while others grieve.

I attended a Hui (Muslim Chinese) funeral occasion and many of the men wore white hats. Try and talk to some your husband's relatives to find out the general expectations.

Good luck,

Simon:)

[imron]

I attended a Hui (Muslim Chinese) funeral occasion and many of the men wore white hats.

But many Hui men wear white hats normally, regardless of whether it's a funeral or just a normal day. Unless you're talking about a different kind of white hat than this one.