Meeting the Chinese parents-in-law

[xuefang]

I'm European and I live with my Chinese boyfriend. We have been together five years and all this time his parents are not approving our relationship. We are not engaged, but we are planning to spend our life together. Now we got an invitation to their home. I have met them three years ago, but this feels like the first meeting. How to impress them? I'm thinking of baking coocies or something and maybe give flowers to the mother. And then of course help whenever I can with cooking or washing the dishes. What else I could do? We are going there this weekend and spend three days there.

[mr.demoman]

hehe, you really should ask your boyfriend. no one knows more about what his parents like or dislike than he does, i think.

well, If you wanna bring something as gift, flower is not very common in chinese tradition. Wine will be OK, i think.

"help whenever I can with cooking or washing the dishes. " this is quite helpful to make them like you.

After all, the most important thing is "try to like them". don't behavor as if you fear them or very upset.

good luck.

[xuefang]

I have asked many things from my BF and he gave me tips how to impress the parents. Thank you for telling that a wine is good present. But is it a problem that I don't drink wine? Will they serve the wine if I bring it?

I just need all the help I can get I'm also learning Chinese at the moment, so maybe I should speak some Chinese there. Even I speak Mandarin and they speak Cantonese.

[mr.demoman]

well, i don't think it matters pretty much if you don't drink. Well, you can drink only a little, half glass or one third. that won't make you dizzy, hehe.

I'm a shanghainese. not very sure if our culture is all the same as cantonese. In shanghai, the first time usually needs fruit, tabacoo(if father in law smoke) and alcohol(if parents in law drink)

hope my answer helpful to you. ;)

[xuefang]

Fruit, tobacoo and wine. I'll remember that Thank you!

[randall_flagg]

I really liked your cookie idea! Can't hurt to show them that you know how to spoil your BF. Also, don't worry too much about presents: Be nice, helpful and attentive when you are at their place, show them that you respect them for who they are and that you can take care of your BF and all will go well!

[xuefang]

Thank you!

I have a question. Is it okey for me to put food to my BF's plate? Or is it something that only men do? I mean with chopsticks, I can use them quit ok.

And a second question aswell. My BF said that I should get ready to answer a lot's of questions. I assume that the parents will ask about our future plans or something like that. My BF didn't yet have assumptions about the questions. Would any of you think what kind of questions I should get ready for?

[randall_flagg]

Yes, I think that would be perfectly acceptable and normal (personal experience).

[xuefang]

Yes, I think that would be perfectly acceptable and normal (personal experience).

Thanks!

[HerrPetersen]

I think using 阿姨 and 叔叔 as means to adressing them might be a good way of showing your respect.

[Yeke]

I have a question. Is it okey for me to put food to my BF's plate?

IMO You shouldn't do that now. Wait that you are fully comfortable with his family.

And then of course help whenever I can with cooking or washing the dishes.

Big Yes, this will help alot. Always offer your help, when they refuse help them anyway.

[lzreading]

I think you need to please his mum first. If his dad is a typical Chinese husband, he will listen to his wife on all family matters.

Help your future mother-in-law in the kitchen, even you can't / don't want to cook or she tells you to leave the kitchen. I know it is a quite tricky situation, but stay with her and show her that you want to learn how to cook or to improve your skills Ask her how to cook her son's favourite dishes, tell her how much your boyfriend has missed and praised her cookings, etc. Your cookie-making is a very good idea, I am sure you will impress them with it.

Other tips like: do not get up late in the morning (you don't want them to think you are 'lazy' girl), make bed after you get up and keep your bedroom tidy for the day, do /help with the washing up after meals, call them Uncle (shushu if he is older than your father, or bobo if he is younger) and Auntie instead of their names, ask if you can get them anything when you go out for a walk with your boyfriend, etc.

It is important to give the future in-laws a good first impression. If you succeed, you will be blessed with the happyness for the rest of your life. Best of luck.

[yonglin]

Your parents-in-law probably expect (just by your nationality/ethnicity) to be loud, provocative, sexually promiscuous and drink a good amount of alcohol, so you want to show that this is exactly the opposite of who you actually are. Therefore, you should talk in a quiet and soft voice, act submissive to your boyfriend, dress in a neat and conservative fashion and abstain from drinking (or drink very little). Also, no touching or demonstrating of romantic feelings in front of them.

As others have said, try to help out in the kitchen and show that you are genuinely interested in learning how to cook from your boyfriend's mother (especially if she's a housewife). I think cookies are a great idea! Best of luck.

[mr.demoman]

Izreading, your idea is good. I agree with you, but there is a little mistake.

(shushu if he is older than your father, or bobo if he is younger)

shu shu if he is YOUNGER, bobo if he is OLDER.

I think you need to please his mum first. If his dad is a typical Chinese husband, he will listen to his wife on all family matters.

that's not the only rule. the situation may differ a lot from place to place. Well, in my hometown, though, it is what you say.

[BrandeX]

I'd ask your bf if they even know mandarin at all first. Are they from HK or Guangdong?

[imron]

I have a question. Is it okey for me to put food to my BF's plate?

IMO You shouldn't do that now. Wait that you are fully comfortable with his family.

I agree with this. As you mentioned his family is not approving of your relationship, it may make them even more uncomfortable to see you doing such a personal thing.

[simonlaing]

Hi Xue Fang,

I hope I haven't come to the discussion too late. I think the fruit basket and flowers could be good. If the father likes a particular alcohol or cigarettes you can buy that for him . Try to get you BF to tell you which brand he likes.

The big issue will be how you conduct yourself. I would be ready for the mother-in-law to put shrimp or other food in your plate. You will be expected to at least try every kind of food that gets put in your plate. If you find you don't like one after the first one you can refuse politely but at least try.

I wouldn't be to eager to show your Chinese knowledge, Just Xie xie at the proper times goes well. I doubt they expect you to be fluent. Also I would be careful about putting food in your BF's plate. In some families this is common in others it is not and could be misinterpreted.

Let your BF answer as many questions as he for the both of you and prep him that you expect him to do most of the talking. Be ready for the mother to ask you when do you think you will get married and when do you think you will have kids questions.

Be ready for post dinner activities like (if you're lucky) playing mahjong, chatting while drinking tea or going for a walk. (If not watching Chinese opera on TV) Participate as much as you can.

Inviting you over is a big step for them. I think they have resigned themselves to the fact that their son has chosen you and want to make the best of it. (Chinese people are practical, it's a good trait).

Good luck, and remember your BF will love you no matter what his parents think. So do your best but don't feel bad if you run into some racism.

Good Luck.

Simon:)

P.S. Tell us how it goes so other people who have this situation will know.

[xuefang]

So many good tips! Thank you!

You will be expected to at least try every kind of food that gets put in your plate. If you find you don't like one after the first one you can refuse politely but at least try.

Eating is something that I'm little nervous. I'm pretty picky, but of course there I'll try everything. And if the mother cooks like here sister, then I'm okey. Because I have eaten at the BF's aunt's home (they like me).

Inviting you over is a big step for them. I think they have resigned themselves to the fact that their son has chosen you and want to make the best of it.

I tought that also that is must be a big step. That's why I'm so nervous because I want to make a good impression.

I'd ask your bf if they even know mandarin at all first. Are they from HK or Guangdong?

They are from Guangdong and they speak Mandarin. My BF encouraged me to speak some Mandarin to them.

Therefore, you should talk in a quiet and soft voice, act submissive to your boyfriend, dress in a neat and conservative fashion and abstain from drinking (or drink very little). Also, no touching or demonstrating of romantic feelings in front of them.

Luckily I am little shy and quiet at my nature. And I don't smoke and I drink alcohol very little and very seldom. And yes I think so too that it isn't good to show romantic feeling there. Just so other way that I care about my BF and will take good care of him.

[Scoobyqueen]

In addition to what was mentioned above about the body language, try and look intently interested in what is being said (even if they speak dialect). I have often come across Chinese girls who, depite not understanding a word that was being said, still managed to look as if they were deeply interested - obviously a trait that is valued. Basically adopt body language of a Chinese girl (as was alluded to above), including sitting at edge of chair, taking small steps etc.

[imron]

Therefore, you should talk in a quiet and soft voice, act submissive to your boyfriend, dress in a neat and conservative fashion and abstain from drinking (or drink very little).

Basically adopt body language of a Chinese girl (as was alluded to above), including sitting at edge of chair, taking small steps etc.

Sorry, but I think both of these suggestions are bad ideas. Don't try to pretend to be something you're not. Obviously be polite and respectful, and don't behave in a way that could give them a negative impression (i.e. do the things you probably would be doing regardless of what nationality they were), but if you're spending all your time trying to behave like a Chinese girl (whatever that is supposed to be like) you're probably more likely to make some kind of stupid mistake or faux-pas by trying to pretend to be something you're not, and it's only going to make you nervous and worried about whether you're doing the right thing.

Be yourself, and try to win his parents over by being who you are, not by being who you think they think you should be like.