Meeting the Chinese parents-in-law

[Lu]

Imron, I disagree. Lying is not good, of course, but this is a bit like a job interview: put your absolute best foot forward. It won't hurt to do your best to act in a certain way they would like, even if that's not the way you would behave with your own friends or family.

As to the questions, I imagine they want to know what to expect of you: past, family, studies, job prospects, plans for the future. Especially those last ones. Even if you're not sure yet what these future plans are, make sure you have an answer, to show you're not suibian-ing about life (if you know what I mean). You shouldn't lie, of course, but tell what you think you would be doing, what prospects you have, things like that.

Anyway, it does look like a big step, and congrats on still being together! I remember you posting here some time ago and it seems the parents are coming around a bit. Good luck!

[imron]

put your absolute best foot forward. It won't hurt to do your best to act in a certain way they would like, even if that's not the way you would behave with your own friends or family.

I'm not saying don't make an effort to put your best foot forward, just that don't try to second-guess how you think the parents will want you to behave, as it creates unnecessary complications. The parents aren't going to sit there saying "oh look, she's not sitting on the edge of her chair [?!], and her footsteps were slightly too large, she's obviously not the right person for our son".

[Scoobyqueen]

but this is a bit like a job interview

Good analogy. In fact I coached a Chinese intern on how to do a forhcoming job interview in the west and one of my points was not sitting at edge of chair which this girl did and it made her look immature and not cut out for the job. I think body language will play a big part in this first meeting.

[xuefang]

Hello again!

I'm thinking of showing the best sides of me and be more helpful than I maybe usually are. My BF' father thinks I'm polite so I will do my best to keep that image. But I still won't turn into Chinese, that's impossible in every ways. I want to show that I can be a good wife and mother, take care of my man, children and home. But I think that my nationality won't make me worse or better as a human. I want to show them that I'll do my very best to make their son happy even I am not Chinese.

As to the questions, I imagine they want to know what to expect of you: past, family, studies, job prospects, plans for the future. Especially those last ones. Even if you're not sure yet what these future plans are, make sure you have an answer, to show you're not suibian-ing about life (if you know what I mean). You shouldn't lie, of course, but tell what you think you would be doing, what prospects you have, things like that.

Thank you. This is what I needed. I think they may value that I do have good plans for the future.

try and look intently interested in what is being said (even if they speak dialect)

I think this will happen a lot. I assume they speek Cantonese with each other and I'll just listen and wonder what they are saying. But I'm getting used to it, because that happens at my BF's Aunt's home.

[gougou]

I like the analogy with the job interview. For both I would recommend to be polite, but not to be someone you're not. Not only will you run the risk of screwing up in the process, but you'll also raise expectations that you might not be able to meet in the future.

But I am talking in general here, for you it looks like you're on the right track, xuefang. So I'd suggest not to worry about it too much; you have done more than enough preparation here already, now just be yourself and win them over with your own personality! Best of luck!

[anonymoose]

If your bf is from a Cantonese family, how come you ended up learning Mandarin? Anyway, now that you speak Mandarin, learning some Cantonese shouldn't be too difficult. Maybe you should try, for longer term benefit, even if you don't have time to do so before meeting your bf's parents.

Anyway, take a box of wiener nougat - I'm sure they'll like that! (Anyway, I would!)

[xuefang]

If your bf is from a Cantonese family, how come you ended up learning Mandarin?

Because in Finland there is no Cantonese lessons. And I just started Mandarin last autumn, so I'm not far with that either. I'll hope that in the future I could learn to at least understand Cantonese.

[BrandeX]

I live in Guangzhou with my cantonese wife, and her mother has been living with us for about half a year since before my wife delivered out baby. I "be myself", and I have since the day I arrived here including both before, and after our marriage, as well as whenever I was around her family. I think it is possible with at least some families in Guangdong, due to proximity with HK, who have had a more western influence than more northernly located mainlanders, people "might" be more worldly or accepting of gweilo. Of course everyone person/family is different, and you may find many native people in this region who aren't internationally minded or accepting at all.

[DaRrEnZhAnG]

KEY WORDS: modesty, politeness, diligence...

*Sorry for my poor English expression, cuz I just begin to learn English language. If any my words bothered u, I hope you could forgive me and correct my sentences. Thx.

MODESTY

One of the biggest differences between chinese culture and western culture is: chinese people generally like speak in a modest way.

Sometimes, it even can make foreigners feel a little deceitful or false(the * sentence). Especially, when people praise u after u did something great, you shouldnt be miserly to use the words like "I'm flattered"; "You encouraged me intensely";" I'm just so so"; or even "Your words make me feel ashamed of myself", etc.(您过奖了；让您见笑了；我做的不好请年见谅；您的话真让我无地自容...)

POLITENESE

There is a chinese saying, " Too polite is always correct!"（ 礼多人不怪。）

Generally, you should buy a small gift to ur parents-in-law in the very first time for meeting, such as some fruits, one or two bottles of wine if you BE sure they drink wine.

2 be frank, flowers are not perfect 4 them, cuz some old people think it's stodgy or sth.

After the dinner, you should FIRSTLY ask for washing the dish. They generally wont allow u 2 do that, so if u really dont wanna do it, at least, u must help for cleaning the table ACTIVELY and voluntarily. , sometimes, u can ROB the stuff from their hands, if they show ENOUGH politeness to u.

This is like the same thing u should do when they give u some expensive gifts or money while u leaving.(It's hard to explain it, I hope u can got my meaning)

*THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT, especially to those traditional chinese people:

SERVE them for drinking. When they drink TEA before the dinner, WINE in the dinner...

YOU HAVE TO SERVE FOR EVERY bottle of drink!!!

Especially IN formal dinner, all these stuff will help u get A or A+.

When u leave, dont forget invite them to your home for dinner. If they say OK（一定去）, dont take it seriously, it's just greetings!

DILIGENCE

This is easy to understand it. JUST act as much as possible like a diligent person,.for example, behave like a SLAVE in fornt of ur BF. After they leave, you can order ur BF pay it back.

女子无才便是德。So, u dont have 2 be nervous. All ur faults could be considered as LOVELY. Just keep smile on ur face.

Finally, another biggest difference between the two culture is chinese people will NEVER put up dissatisfaction on their face when they meet their kids' BF or GF at the very first dinner, Moreover, u r a foreigner.

They will only communicate with ur BF after u leave. SO, just RELAX, BE urself, probably they will like u more.

Hope these small stuff can help you a little.

[ABCinChina]

Thanks for that, Darren. I sometimes have trouble adapting to the Chinese culture (though I'm Chinese) but agree with what you mentioned above. I find it weird to keep toasting different people, fill my neighbors cup with tea all the time, and keep taking compliments. I always feel so out of place when eating with traditional Chinese people.

[DaRrEnZhAnG]

Thank you very much for correcting my English language, ABC. Yeah, it's very common to keep filling ur neighbors' cups with drink all the time, espcially the people obviously older than you. That's for showing ur politeness. If they help filling ur cup of drink, you shuold put up ur cup immediately while saying "Enough, Enough..." For more politeness, u should also put ur cup below the other cup while cheers.

It's ok to forget these things as a foreighner, but they will probably consider you as low, cheap, with no class as chinese if you dont do these kind of things. On the contrary, doing it properly u will be considered as with good family eduacation.

Eating with trational people, u must have realized that they often help you eat----put the food into ur plate with their chopsticks, right? Old people like to do that,actually, some young people feel shy to eat with old people, so they cant eat enough food, and then this custom came into being.

[xuefang]

Thank you Darren Zhang very much!

And thank you all who had helped me! We will go to visit them tomorrow and spend the whole weekend there. Today I'm going to bake the coocies and decide the gifts. I'll come here after the visiting is over and tell you guys how it went.

[randall_flagg]

Well, with all those helpful pieces of advice on your mind, don't forget to relax and keep breathing.

Heck, I think you might even enjoy your time with the "in-laws". You've managed to convince us just how much you care about your BF, and we've never even met you. I'm sure his parents will approve of you!

Good luck!

[xuefang]

I have one more question in my mind. What to talk to the parents? They are going to a trip soon, so could I ask about their travel plans? What topics to talk about with wich I show my interest to their family.

[randall_flagg]

If you know where they are headed, google the place they are going to and look some fun facts. You can then pretend you know those kinds of things off hand.

If it applies to you, talk about your family (if its a nice and functional family you might stress that). Talk about what your folks do as well as about your own dreams and aspirations.

[Lu]

In general, my tactic is to speak too less rather than too much. In Holland, and perhaps in your country as well, you're considered boring if you don't speak a lot, people think you have nothing interesting to say. In China, it's considered polite to listen what the zhangbei have to say rather than offer your own opinion. Shyness/silence is appreciated, especially in women.

So in case of the holiday, asking about their plans, and perhaps past trips, is I think better than offering up what you know about the place they're going.

[xuefang]

Shyness/silence is appreciated, especially in women.

Oh, thats good because I'm no talker. I'm rather a listener.

I asked my Chinese teacher how I should call the parents. She suggested bofu and bomu, is that okey?

[mr.demoman]

because I'm no talker. I'm rather a listener.

hehe, a typical nordic.

good luck

[heifeng]

Ok, i wasn't gonna post b/c i personally think your bf should be adequately prepping you and telling you to relax and be yourself (go wack him in the head or something..seriously) but here it goes:

1) since you know they are gonna be traveling just tell them to 多注意身体 and such on their trip and all types of health advice to show you care...

2) insist on helping them w/ things, carrying things for them, giving them a seat, etc. Insist on it. usually Chinese people won't accept your offer the first time around, so you have to be aggressive, like actively taking the broom outta their hand and sweeping up the guazi for the old folks and giving them a cup of tea, etc. This way they can sit back and secretly smile. plus if company is over they they will probably praise you and his parents will be the envy of everyone...you'll give them bonus 'face' points here.

3) everyone's tastes are different, but keep in mind they may not love supersweet foods if you are bringing cookies. (but then again i'm probably just thinking our US sweets are just painfully sweet so Chinese people (especially older ones) may not be able to handle the ensuing sugar high....) So if they don't chow down your food, don't get upset. (FYI every Chinese person I know hates my cooking....like really really hates it:oops: haha..But I'm really good at carrying dishes to the table when they cook, so it kinda evens out)

Other than this, I am sure you have manners and common sense, so don't worry so much, you'll be fine...and if not, blame your boyfriend and make him buy you something nice as punishment!

[BrandeX]

At first I asked my wife what to call her parents also. She said to use "mama" and "papa", I said "no". "Hey you" seems to be working out fine. I still have no idea what their real names are, I heard them once about a year ago tho....