Chinese Weddings

[gravitate]

What do a girls parents expect from a wedding? I mean what kind of ceremony do they have in China?

[HerrPetersen]

I heard, that the husband is supposed to buy (not rent) an appartment, the bride's family is supposed to provide the stuff that goes in the appartment. The wedding ceremony itself is usually out of proportion (as in too expensive) by western (or maybe just my own) standards. You are supposed to spend lots of money on food, lots of money on making pictures (with at least 3 different sets of clothes) and other stuff - in return the guests are supposed to give you quiet a lot of money as presents. I heard of an occasion where 20.000€ were received from the guest - but then again probably more was spend.

Anyhow this is pretty much just word of mouth, so I will probably be corrected below.

[gravitate]

Well 100 pound per head seams alright

Edited July 23, 2009 at 02:14 AM by gravitate

[teaforme]

Firstly, there's a difference between the just-immigrated Chinese (or Chinese still in China) and those who've lived in Britain for a while (I'm assuming you're British since you mentioned £100 for dinner...) Have you asked your soon-to-be bride what her expectations are? And what her family expects? You might find them to be a lot more open minded than you think.

The more traditional Chinese, just like the more traditional British, have large ceremonies and receptions because they consider it a day to celebrate. It's a way of welcoming and recognizing the couple as a new family unit. Very traditional Chinese weddings are paid for by the groom and his family. The bride's family will provide some dowry in the form of jewelry and some household goods, but the groom does all the heavy lifting with the costs. Many Brit-Chinese (Chinese-Americans, and other hyphenated Chinese) have relaxed these rules. It's not uncommon to see families splitting costs, as weddings can be so expensive nowadays.

In conclusion, ask your bride-to-be and your future in-laws what their expectations are. Work with them, and see what they want. You might find that they would be equally happy with a small affair.

[Lu]

Yeah, I'd start asking the bride, your future wife, what her thoughts are. She knows her parents, so she'll have a much better idea on what they expect than anyone here has. Not to mention that she knows what she wants, and what would work for the both of you. She'll also know whether her parents are willing to pay for the wedding. Just expecting them to pay because you'd rather save your money might not be the best way to go about it.

And congratulations!

[renzhe]

You can have a look at this episode of a TV show we've covered in our First Episode project.

Most of this episode shows a modern Chinese wedding in Beijing. It should give you a good idea of what Chinese weddings are like.

[gravitate]

OK so me and my chinese wife married 3 months ago. We didnt go down the normal relationship path. we basically went on a date in UK then I wen to work in Hong Kong and she came to visit me for a week. Then we went to Vietnam together for 3 weeks at Chiristmas and she got pregnant. As she lost her job in the UK we got married and then she got English residency. Then she flew to Hong Kong and the immigration would only let her stay a week so she had to fly back to china. She is going to give birth in September and this week end I am going to fly up to see her and meet her familly etc We are going to go out for a marriage celebration one evening and I have never met her parents.

Basicaly does any one have any idea what I can buy as gifts for her parents and how much money I should be spending. My wife dropped a bomb shell yesterday and said I should give her parents 3000 pounds (or 30000RMB) in a red envelope! WTF! That is a months wage for me and we have a child on the way and our house in England needs a lot of work doing on it. Is this normal? I am not bieng greedy or tight but this is a lot of money for us as she hasnt got a job and may need further education.

Edited July 23, 2009 at 02:52 AM by gravitate

[gato]

There was a discussion about this a while ago here. In that case, the sum requested was HK$50,000. There doesn't seem to be a consistent practice. Sometimes, the money even goes in the other direction and woman's family send money to the groom. Where does your wife's family live? Do they live in the city or in a rural area?

http://www.chinese-forums.com/index.php?/topic/20369-a-question-about-chinese-marriage&highlight=dowry

Chinese Marriage

[gravitate]

she lives like 1 hour drive from Shang hai in a village where most of the people used to or do work for the government. I am not liking this money giving thing though

[imron]

Depending on the type of marriage ceremony you'll be having, you might well find you get a reasonable chunk of that back anyway, both from the parents and from other guests.

[gravitate]

its just a one night celebration in a 5* hotel.

[renzhe]

Guests at Chinese weddings customarily give money. It often recoups much of the costs.

[roddy]

Part of which will involve people handing you cash in red envelopes.

[gravitate]

ya but I am not talking about the cost of celebration I am talking about giving her parents 30000rmb AND paying for the celebration

[studentyoung]

My wife dropped a bomb shell yesterday and said I should give her parents 3000 pounds (or 30000RMB) in a red envelope! WTF! That is a months wage for me and we have a child on the way and our house in England needs a lot of work doing on it. Is this normal? I am not bieng greedy or tight but this is a lot of money for us as she doesnt even work

Yes, is normal to give some money to a wife’s parents in China. But don’t worry, OP, it can be discussed. Though she said you should give 30000RMB, it’s still OK for you to discuss the sum with her. How about consult the sum and the current and future conditions with your wife? She’s your wife, right? Don’t be shy to talk things frankly with her.

This kind of money, in China, is for a son-in-law to show his respect to his parents-in-law. The sum is not very important, as long as you can let your wife’s parents feel you love their girl, you know how to take care of her, and you will live a happy life with her. These things are more meaningful than the sum of money itself. If your parents-in-law are thoughtful ones, they can understand your conditions and won’t make it too hard for you.

I am not liking this money giving thing though

I understand how you feel OP. Why not tell your wife how you feel on this money giving thing in a proper time, which might help.

ya but I am not talking about the cost of celebration I am talking about giving her parents 30000rmb AND paying for the celebration

You might get the cost of the celebration back from the guess involved in it, because they need to give you red money.

Cheers!

[xianhua]

This all sounds very familiar, and I’d like to share my experience with you. I got married to my (Chinese) wife in China in 2005. I was living in England at the time and my wife-to-be was still in China .

I remember having to give them 4000RMB. It was a sore point between us before the wedding. I’d already paid for the dress, the photo session, the ring and travelling costs (the venue actually paid for itself with the 100 RMB donations from guests). My family also resented me having to ‘give’ them money, so it was more of a gesture to keep the peace. I remember my wife’s friends asking how much I would give. When I replied, ‘four thousand’ they would then try and convert 4000 pounds to RMB, before learning that it was only actually 4000RMB – they were horrified!

I had got enough saved to have given them more, but the point was, we hadn’t bought a house at that point and the more I gave, the less we would have for a house deposit. So what’s it to be, another few thousand in the in-laws bank account or living in a damp-ridden flat owned by Rigsby (ok, slight exaggeration maybe)? Hmmm. Obviously, the world of house deposits and mortgages was a mystery to my in-laws, and they probably thought my parents would buy us a house with cash (I wish!). Add to this, the fact that ‘all westerners are rich’ mentality and you can see how the problem arises.

They did actually give us some money just before we left (as per normal, literally as we were loading suitcases into the taxi) for our new life in England . Guess how much? Yes, that’s right 4000RMB.

However, I’ve found that one cultural difference is that the Chinese go in for giving on the big occasions, like births and marriages but not much else. Over the years, her parents have realised this, and so when we go back there and buy them a fridge, an air conditioner, a TV, or send them money for birthdays/new year, they have grown to appreciate the difference. Call it a deferred marriage payment if you like! I’ve also made it clear that we can help pay with any medical costs should they need help.

My advice would be to give something and explain that the rest is a necessity for your house and child. This is what I did and I have no regrets (and we’ll still married and my in-laws like me - I think!). At the end of the day, the best gift you can ever give them is taking good care of their daughter and grandchildren. Good luck!

[anonymoose]

I remember having to give them 4000RMB.

How did you come up with the figure 4000? On occasions such as this, it is normal to give some multiple of 8, such as 800 or 8000 because it is considered lucky. It seems 4000 is just about the worst figure to choose since Chinese usually try to avoid 4 as it is considered unlucky.

[xianhua]

How did you come up with the figure 4000?

Fair point. I just asked my wife. Apparently, she asked her friend how much her husband gave his in-laws which was 4000, so she got the idea from him. I don't think anybody really thought too much more about it. Maybe if I'd given 4444 they would have started to question my intentions.

[BrandeX]

Or you could do like me and tell them that your not Chinese, and your giving them nothing, and have no money anyways.

My wife hates me.

[HashiriKata]

Ok, I understand that it's a custom to give money to the wife's parents for the marriage. But suppose I'm a poor guy but my girl friend is very rich. Would it work if she's wiling to give her parents a large amount of money but pretending that it's mine? Does this count in China as a good solution or as a deception?