Humourous e-mail message

[shibo77]

How did such a logical language became the lingua franca of the world??

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;

but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.

One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,

yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;

yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,

why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet,

and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,

why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,

yet hat in the plural would never be hose,

and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren,

but though we say mother, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,

but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

Some other reasons to be grateful if you grew up speaking English:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more

refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the

desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he

thought it was time to present the present.

At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head

of a bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to

row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are

present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer

line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his

sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw

got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a

tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of

tests.

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate

friend?

22) I spent last evening evening out a pile of

dirt.

Screwy pronunciations can mess up your mind! For

example . . . If you have a rough cough, climbing

can be tough when going through the bough on a tree!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There

is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither

apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't

invented in England. We take English for granted.

But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that

quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square

and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a

pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't

fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but

not one amend?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of

all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a

humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking

English should be committed to an asylum for the

verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play

and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo

by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,

while a wise man and a wiseguy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a

language in which your house can burn up as it burns

down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out

and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

-Shibo

[Lu]

English sure isn't the only language that has such crazy rules... This is titled 'De linguïstieke logica van het Nederlands', meaning 'The linguistic logic of Dutch', too bad most of you can't read it.

Het meervoud van 'slot' is 'sloten',

Toch is het meervoud van 'pot' niet 'poten'.

Wie gisteren ging vliegen, zegt heden 'ik vloog',

Dus zegt u misschien van wiegen: 'ik woog'.

Nee, want 'ik woog' is afkomstig van 'wegen',

Maar … is nu 'ik voog' een vervoeging van 'vegen'?

En dan het woord 'zoeken' vervoegt men 'ik zocht'

En dus hoort bij vloeken dan: 'ik vlocht'.

Alweer mis, want dit is afkomstig van 'vlechten',

Maar 'ik hocht' is geen juiste vervoeging van 'hechten'.

Bij 'roepen' hoort 'riep', maar bij 'snoepen' geen 'sniep'.

Bij 'lopen' hoort 'liep' maar bij 'kopen' geen 'kiep'.

En evenmin hoort bij 'slopen': 'sliep',

Want dat is afkomstig van het schone woord 'slapen'.

Maar zeg nu weer niet 'riep' bij het werkwoord 'rapen',

Want die komt van 'roepen' en u ziet het terstond:

Zo draaien we vrolijk in een kringetje rond.

U ziet, de verwarring is akelig groot.

Nog talloze voorbeelden kan ik daarvan geven,

Want 'gaf' komt 'geven', maar 'laf' niet van 'leven'.

Men spreekt van 'wij hinken, wij hebben gehonken'.

Het is: 'ik weet' en 'ik wist'; zo vervoegt men dat,

Maar schrijft u niet bij 'vergeten': 'vergist'.

Dat is een vergissing, ja moeilijk, dat is 't.

Het volgend geval, dat is bijna te bont.

Bij 'slaan' hoort: 'ik sloeg', niet 'ik sling' of 'ik slong'.

Bij 'gaan' hoort: 'ik ging', niet 'ik gong' of 'ik gond'.

En noem tenslotte geen mannetjes-rat 'rater',

Al gaat dat wel op bij 'kat' en 'kater'.

(H. Hagers)

[Jamie]

Many people make the blanket statement that Chinese is the hardest language in the world to learn, yet when you consider the grammar it makes such beautiful sense! I am very happy to be learning Chinese as a second language, and not English!

[xuechengfeng]

Wow, this just made me realize how terrible English is. What were they smoking?