Help me understand her grief

[Meng Lelan]

You know what, let's simplify things here.

If she's gone "cold" on you, it's over.

I've had a Chinese guy go "cold" on me (suddenly no email, no communication, no texts, etc) that conveys nonverbally the message of, "Get out of my life". I've never gotten over it and I never will, but I know that means to move on.

[necroflux]

My first reaction is that it's a made up story to avoid having to confront you on her real issue. What is a common part of Chinese culture is the inability/unwillingness confront others on issues for fear of losing face, so the "my dad died" thing could very well be a tool to do exactly that. It's possible that she's been doubting your relationship for a while but didn't mention anything while you assumed everything was building towards marriage.

Of course this is speculation, but something to consider perhaps.

[Scoobyqueen]

If her father just died and she has not got a passport to go back for the funeral etc, she must be in a state plus perhaps juggling all sorts of metaphysical questions.

[imron]

What is a common part of Chinese culture is the inability/unwillingness confront others on issues for fear of losing face, so the "my dad died" thing could very well be a tool to do exactly that.

I agree with Skylee that a Chinese person would be unlikely to make up a story about her father dying. The filial piety issue here would override the face issue. There are plenty of other stories she could make up if she was just trying to avoid losing face.

[roddy]

We might as well speculate that she's been kidnapped by space aliens, and the sister is sending the text messages to save face. Either you're engaged, and you're entitled to go round and see her, or you're not.

[necroflux]

The filial piety issue here would override the face issue.

Ahh yeah, now that you mention it that way I think you're right, I'd say my answer is most likely not correct.

[westmeadboy]

I think the whole father thing is a side-issue as far as the relationship goes. What's more important is that she's not communicating properly with him.

My hunch is that there's something much bigger going on like the 3 points I mentioned earlier. I'd add a 4th which is that she's trying to test him to prove his love. Oh I'm so glad I'm not in a relationship!

So maybe her father did die, but maybe that's not why she's gone cold on him. i.e.its just an excuse.

[RobGMun]

The 'testing' of my love for her has crossed my mind.

Anyway, i'm sending her text messages and leaving voicemails everyday telling her i am here for her and that i love her. And if she needs to talk to me i'll be there. Nor sure what else i can do.

Edited May 18, 2009 at 10:35 AM by RobGMun

[Shadowdh]

Huge flags are raised for me here... while I realise that everyone approaches life differently and thus has a different idea of what goes to make a relationship there seem to be many oddities in this story... for example, you are engaged and yet you dont seem to know much about her...???!!! It seems she is keeping you at arms length but you are supposed to be starting one of lifes biggest journeys together???!!! hmmm *sniff* I smell fish. Comments like "not sure where her sister lives" raise alarm bells for me... and the fact that you seem hesitant about doing something that should be normal for a fiance... namely turning up at her place unannounced and uninvited... if a fiance cant do that then who can??

Sucks re the passport issue... and I would like to express my sympathy re the loss of her father.

As for the length of time before getting engaged all I can say is pish posh... I met my wife and within a few months of being in a relationship we started living together (and had a baby, not the reason we got together though)... however we did get married a couple of years down the line but it was within the first few months we knew we would be getting married...

[skylee]

總是“愛得不夠”。

[jbradfor]

Anyway, i'm sending her text messages and leaving voicemails everyday telling her i am here for her and that i love her. And if she needs to talk to me i'll be there. Nor sure what else i can do.

Spend a day or two trying to track her down?

You say you don't know exactly where she lives and goes to school but you must have some idea? Is her sister's address in the phone book? You know what school she goes to, right? Some things take effort. If you truly want to marry her, spending a two days like this is well worth it. If it's not worth it to you, reconsider your relationship.

If you do find her, and she is truly upset and does not want to break up with you, you will get many brownie points (is that a USA-only expression?) for your effort.

If she does want to break up with you, then at least you will force her to confess that and you can move on.

[whereishunter]

Anyway, i'm sending her text messages and leaving voicemails everyday telling her i am here for her and that i love her. And if she needs to talk to me i'll be there. Nor sure what else i can do.

Move on.. If she is not talking to you then that is a big sign in any language that its over!!

[abcdefg]

Move on and seek professional counseling about how to read the cues and clues in future relationships more efficiently.

[Meng Lelan]

Move on and seek professional counseling about how to read the cues and clues in future relationships more efficiently.

abcdefg has won the prize for the most outstanding one-sentence cross-cultural advice.