been in China for so long- should I stay?

[sirenbear]

Hi all,

this is kind of an existential, querying post. Not sure if everyone likes that, but I was just wondering if there are others on this board like me. I've been living in China almost 6 years now. I've lived in different cities, done the teaching thing, done the office work thing, done the student thing. My Chinese is pretty advanced now. (still not satisfied with it however!).

So, I am asking myself, what next? I wonder if any of you can relate. I have been here for so long it seems that going home would be kind of difficult. At the same time, staying here can be difficult too! Sometimes it's so lonely. On the other hand, sometimes it's so exciting. I love the feeling of getting to understand a culture and language more in-depth. I like it when I have close relationships with Chinese people. (also heartbreaking, see my other thread...)

anyway just wondering if any of you who have been in China awhile can relate, and what you have been doing in China for so long. of course, anybody is welcome to chime in on the discussion- here for 2 weeks, not a foreigner, whatever!

thanks.

[Shadowdh]

I only spent a total of about 10 months in China and if my circumstances were different I would love to stay in China very long term... For me it would be understanding the culture better, getting to grips with the language better and the expat feeling of camaraderie all contribute...

[adrianlondon]

I'm a believer in change, in movement.

If you're starting to question your time in China, it's time to go. Don't think of it as something ending though, simply find a way (i.e. a job) in another country for a year or two, then return to China.

At least, that's what I would have said a year or so ago; "simply find a way" isn't so simple any more.

I'm back in London now but have just spent 12 months in Stuttgart, Germany. When I first arrived there (initially for a 6 month contract) I wondered how I'd cope. Then I found a fantastic group of expats and my social life was the best it has ever been, even better than London. So I extended the contract by another 6 months. I would have stayed longer but that client ran out of money ;)

However, now I'm back in London I'm glad to be back; a year was plenty even though I would have stayed longer.

A year or so back here in London and I'll be itching to work abroad again. Ideally China, as I spent 6 months in Beijing back in 2006/7 and loved it. However, unless the recession really shakes things up I'm still better off working in Europe for a year then taking 6 months in China just studying/chilling.

Spend a week or so thinking about your situation, and reading all the random comments your thread here will generate, then make a decision.

[jeffofarabia]

Depending on your work, maybe you can find something that bridges both worlds. I am returning to China after six years and am so excited about it. I teach which makes it easier, but there are surely companies looking for whatever skills you have and your language ability.

[dalaowai]

I went back home after living in China for 5 years. You definitely need a recharge after living abroad for such a long time.

I've been back home for 2 years now and the first year back was the hardest. I kept comparing everything here to China.

I went back to University to do a second degree and 60% of my classmates are Chinese, so I end up speaking Mandarin the majority of the time. haha So one might argue that I'm still in China...

[muyongshi]

I do understand your question and after living here for 3 years my desire to leave just diminishes. I'm past honeymooning but this is where I want to spend my life.

But in your case as others have stated, if you are questioning it, it's time to leave. But go with the attitude of trying something else for a few years and see if that makes you want to come back. Don't write anything off based on the moments feelings. Take a break and see where it leads you.

[roddy]

I think if you're questioning it that just means it's time to think about leaving - which by definition you are already doing. Doesn't mean it's time to get off the China train. As you say it can get hard to go back, and it won't get any easier the longer you stay, so a year at home to check you can still live there might be reassuring. A year studying something China-related, or doing a job where you use your Chinese, won't do you any harm if and when you decide to come back. But then again people change jobs, careers, cities, countries all the time - difficult, yes; impossible, never.*

I think you've just got to look at where the quality of life is (hmm, cheap food or clean air), where you're likely to get job satisfaction, where your (potential) friends are, so on and so forth. Weigh up the pros and cons, and then go with the pros.

For reference, I've spent, give or take, 9 of the last 11 years (and 8 of the last in China, six of them in Beijing. I'm not done yet.

*I'll be using this slogan on my new range of sportswear, btw.

[BrandeX]

How about something different, but still Chinese-y like Singapore, Malaysia, HK, etc.

[liuzhou]

As I'm sure you know, only you can answer your question.

I've been here 13 years and have no particular wish to leave. I originally came to stay for two years. I hated the first six months. I was convinced I had made the stupidest decision of my life (and there is a lot of competition), but one day something just clicked. I can't really explain it. An epiphany.

And here I am 13 years later. Very happily.

But that's me. Everyone is different.

Edited June 3, 2009 at 05:39 AM by liuzhou

[sirenbear]

thanks for all the thoughts. maybe I should make a pro-con list. Just curious- why do you all say that if I am questioning leaving, it's definitely time to leave? COuldn't it just be a time of questioning for me?

I guess for me, there might be not enough keeping me here. For a while I've been saying it's the language, and I still am very interested in the language. But leaving the country does not need to mean giving that up.

I like the sense of freedom I have here, the sense of adventure....but for me, the trade-off can be extreme loneliness. I'm not in a relationship and though I have made close friends, they are scattered and doing different things. I am not part of a community, just a lone wanderer.

but going home....i have to give up my independence, at least until I find a job.

hmmm....

[roddy]

When you say you've lived in different cities, how many are we talking? If you're changing city every year, you're going to end up with a lot of friends you don't know very well. If you do stay, I strongly recommend you do so in a livable city where you can see yourself staying beyond the one year mark. Moving every year or two is all very well for a while, but it's not sustainable for the vast majority of people, I think.

[liuzhou]

I agree with Roddy. In the 13 years here, I have spent the last 10 in one city. Got my feet under the table, made firm friends and developed guanxi.

The first city I stayed was for one year (Xi'an). I have no contact with anyone there, now.

The second was in Hunan for two years. I still have a few friends there .

I also agree with sirenbear. Thinking about leaving doesn't have to mean you have to. As I explained before, I hated the first six months here and woke up every morning thinking "I've got to get out of this place!"

I am very glad that I didn't.

[Prodigal Son]

I can empathize with the original poster, I've been here for years as well and have fleeting thoughts about leaving (going to different countries though, not back to the US). I think it's normal to entertain these ideas to keep your mind on its toes and options fresh - I certainly had them all the time before even coming to Asia.

I do understand your question and after living here for 3 years my desire to leave just diminishes. I'm past honeymooning but this is where I want to spend my life.

do you mind if I ask how old you are? This makes sense to me if you're >60 or something but if you're young and have a lot of time ahead of you I'm curious as to how you know China is where you want to spend it?

[muyongshi]

Hmmm... this I have to chalk up to my personality. I traveled a fair amount as a teenager and fell in love with China. For me it's either China or the US. Sorry this is not a question I can answer objectively. It is very subjective. I love it, this is where I want. Can't explain it more than that.

[gato]

Most people find happiness, or at least a sense of satisfaction, through career and/or family. You have to think about how China fits into that picture.

You might find this article interesting.

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/05/12/opinion/12brooks.html

They Had It Made: What Makes Us Happy

By DAVID BROOKS

Published: May 11, 2009

[flameproof]

I am in Hong Kong for a few years. I always consider my stay here as temporary permanent settlement. I probably stay here as long as I work. But would probably leave for a better quality of life place when I stop working.

My advise is, stay as long as you like to stay, leave when you want to leave. Always good to keep all options open.

[Music&MeForever]

I guess for me, there might be not enough keeping me here. For a while I've been saying it's the language, and I still am very interested in the language. But leaving the country does not need to mean giving that up.

I like the sense of freedom I have here, the sense of adventure....but for me, the trade-off can be extreme loneliness. I'm not in a relationship and though I have made close friends, they are scattered and doing different things. I am not part of a community, just a lone wanderer.

but going home....i have to give up my independence, at least until I find a job.

If living in China gives you a sense of freedom, and freedom is what you need, then you'd better think twice before leaving.

You are a wanderer, alright, but don't you know wanderers are always lonely So I 'd say this is precisely where you've done wrong: your frequent change of scene may have actually given you a feeling of insecurity and you start to lose direction.

If you still feel like you want more of China but aren't sure which way to go, my advice is to slow down, take a deep breath and: try to remember which place you've felt most comfortable in, then go back there, look up some old friends and try to settle down for a while. This may give you a different kind of feeling: a feeling of security and belonging. Then, perhaps, you may find whatever it is you've been looking for

[smalldog]

Hi sirenbear,

I can relate to the way you feel. I was back and forth in China for nearly 5 years. Being in China is difficult and frustrating, especially the times you realise you can never escape the role of being the foreigner. But then you go home and everything is so mundane and people seem so limited in their perspectives.

I ended up getting married in China and eventually moving to Singapore, where I still use Chinese at home and at work, but I can take the bus, see a doctor, or buy an apartment with the same ease as anyone else.

There's no easy solution, but there are lots of possibilities. Good luck!

[Scoobyqueen]

Maybe the reason for your re-thinking at this present time is because you have reached a point when your stay in China is becoming more permanent.

Five-six years seems to be the point, from my own experiences, at which you have become somewhat fully integrated in the country and may have lost contact with many people in the last country or countries you lived in (who may have been able to help you in your next career move or whatever). Moving country at that stage is a lot more effort (tax, work experience, business contacts, friends) than after say three years which is short enough to make it non-permanent. Incidentally, in Germany, you have the same rights to benefits after five years.

After six years it is only natural you would be asking yourself what next? Maybe you can look back and review what you originally thought you would be doing at this stage in your life and see if that correlates. Hope this doesn’t sound too metaphysical.

[skylee]

do you mind if I ask how old you are?

I would like to know that too (ever since I saw his photo IIRC. I found the photo very attractive IIRC.).