non-English speaking partners

[anonymoose]

There are a couple of threads going on (non-Chinese speaking partners and How Much Did Your Chinese Partner Improve Your Chinese?) that made me think of another issue:

For those of you with a Chinese partner (gf/bf/husband/wife), is your partner able to speak English or your native language? If not, was that a concern in choosing your partner?

I've met a lot of nice Chinese girls who don't speak very good English, and to some extent this has made me rule them out as potential partners because I think that for a serious relationship (in other words, a permanent one), this would cause inconveniences down the road. The main consideration is that it would be much harder to leave China in the future if one has a non-English speaking partner in tow, and I'm wary of tying myself to China indefinitely. Then another issue is communication between family members.

What do other people think? Do you not mind because you're not expecting your relationship to be permanent anyway? Do you not worry about the future, and just leave that bridge to cross when you come to it?

[Lu]

For a guy to be considered a serious partner, he'd definitely have to speak English, and preferably be willing to learn Dutch at some point (of course I'd also learn his language). Simply because I want to be able to make intelligent conversation with my partner, and also because language is important to me. If I can't really talk with a guy, I wouldn't consider him as a potential serious partner anyway.

[sunyata]

bump...and yeah, I couldn't agree more!

'me love you long time!' is not exactly my idea of a healthy and exciting life partnership.

sure, this 'me - tarzan! you - jane!' marriage scenario is workable and sustainable, but personally it would leave me wishing for something better.

[roddy]

Moved posts about dutch podcasts to the other cultures and languages forum - can we please stick to the topic. Complaints and comments.

[sthubbar]

My wife does not speak English and it has not been a factor in our relationship. Any difficulties we have are because of man / woman and/or Chinese / American differences and not because of language issues.

An advantage that she doesn't speak English is that it prevents us from have highly emotional fights. It is hard to have a huge fight if I'm trying to reach for Pleco.

[anonymoose]

Maybe I didn't make myself clear in my first post.

I can speak Chinese. Communication is not a problem. I was simply thinking about the possibility of going back to the UK at same stage, and also communication issues between other family members.

I agree, if you cannot even communicate with your partner, then it isn't much of a relationship.

[yersi]

.

[Lu]

I can speak Chinese as well, well enough to maintain friendships entirely in Chinese, but my Chinese level is not high enough to say everything I want to say. I'm less intelligent in Chinese, basically, and this would be a problem for me in a serious relationship.

[Meng Lelan]

I can speak Chinese as well, well enough to maintain friendships entirely in Chinese, but my Chinese level is not high enough to say everything I want to say. I'm less intelligent in Chinese, basically, and this would be a problem for me in a serious relationship.

I don't know why this is, but when I get very emotional I start thinking and writing in Chinese. It's harder for me to express them in English. I could live with a non-English speaking partner for that reason, I guess, but that would be if I were living in China.

[carlo]

Finding an English speaking partner is good if you are an English speaker. If you happen to be a native of any other language, your chances of finding someone you like and who speaks your native language perfectly (and those of your parents and extended family) is like winning the lottery. I gave up long ago.

If I have to communicate with my wife in a foreign language, I'd rather make it her language - at least we cut distance by half.

[sthubbar]

carlo, excellent point. Reminds me of my Nigerian friend who married a Korean woman and their only common language is Chinese. Neither of them can speak their in-laws language and it seems to work well for them.

[Lu]

But then I think for some people language is more important than for others. I guess couples like the Nigerian-Korean couple have ways to bond that don't need so much language.

Carlo: my English is of a level that I feel I can say almost everything I want to say, good enough for relationship purposes. My Dutch is of course better, but English would do just fine. My Chinese is just not as good, fatal misunderstandings would arise, and also I would not be able to talk about the things I want to talk about.

[isela]

Hi Friends!

This is my first post at this forum, and this is such an interesting topic!

Well... I guess whether the dating couple should both know each other's language (provided they already share a common one) really depends on the culture in the two party's societies and families. Since in the end it'd only be these two persons themselves having a life together, if nobody (families, friends...) feels bothered, then why the trouble?

But as a native Chinese, I would suggest that if the serious partner one's having is Chinese, then at least this person needs to know how to make basic conversations in Chinese. This is because we are such a relationship ("Guan Xi")-oriented society, and a family in here just can't think of accepting an in-law that can't each talk with his/her relatives (we do ignore the "in-law" part once they get married). Your partner will feel the worst being strapped in between.

Actually, sometimes I feel that languages are not just tools to communicate, but also they each are the carrier of a unique culture: its norms (e.g. ways to ask and to expect things), its characters (e.g. the conciseness of Chinese and the casualism of American English), its everything! Knowing each other's language will certainly help the couple to further understand and to appreciate each other on a deeper level, especially at times when one gets worn out having to translate everything in his/her head, it'd make things a whole lot easier.

Friends, I do hope to join more discussions on this forum later. I feel really fortunate that I spot this website, and I must say that I'm rather astonished to see so many foreign friends knowing our Chinese language and culture. You guys are soooooo COOL!!!

李昂

于　天津

[carlo]

Lu, I'm sure each of us has had different experiences. I myself have had relationships in different languages and found misunderstandings seem to be language independent -- their occurrence doesn't appear to be a linear function of how much vocabulary we share. However, when you want to talk about childhood memories, family history, or introduce your loved one to your great aunt who can't read or write, then native language becomes important - any other proxy falls short, in my experience.

sthubbar, I think I saw an interview with your friends a few years ago on 国际双行线 (a Beijing TV show).