Older Chinese gentleman keeps inviting me out to lunch (not a date) -- when to pay?

[xiexieniii]

It's not a date or anything. I get the impression that he is just a very nice man who likes my company and wants me to keep practicing my Chinese. (He always talks about his family in Canada during lunch.) Every time he invites me, he foots the bill -- would it be appropriate for me to offer to take the bill for the next lunch? It will be the 5th lunch he's invited me to. What can I say (in Chinese) to convey, "I'll get it this time -- no, no, I insist!" Or is the situation not quite appropriate for the younger non-working student to foot the bill? I remember hearing about some rule that the person who invites usually pays.

[abcdefg]

It's not a date or anything.

What you think it is and what he thinks it is may be two different things.

That being said, if you are a foreign student with no income and he is a well-off local businessman who enjoys your company, let him foot the bill. Just say thanks.

[hidden12345]

What can I say (in Chinese) to convey, "I'll get it this time -- no, no, I insist!"

Just say 我来吧我来吧 and reach for your purse. Of course, he'll think you are doing the standard obligatory Chinese thing of offering deference and, satisfied with the performance thereafter, will refuse to let you pay, and he himself will pay for your meal.

If you truly want to pay for the meal, you can add 我请你吃饭，你对我那么好。Depending on your body language and facial expression, he might actually be moved by the sentiment and let you pay as way of letting you feel good about yourself (do you see the cultural difference here?)

If you never want to see him again, give him your rant about Chinese teachers and Beijing schools.

[xiexieniii]

Strange, I've been telling him about my bad luck with Chinese teachers and Beijing schools and he has certainly been concerned about it. He told me to ask the Columbia department for help, and, every time I see him, asks if I have found a good teacher yet. I didn't think not liking some school in Beijing is supposed to be an insult to the entire Chinese race...he certainly did not take it as such -- why would you?

Anyway, thanks?

Edited July 5, 2009 at 07:46 AM by xiexieniii

[roddy]

After five meals you've got a bit of a pattern established. You probably want to make it clear by saying that next time you'll 请 him, and put yourself in that role by choosing a restaurant you haven't been to before, ordering and calling for the bill (or indeed sneaking off to pay it early.)

[gato]

How old is "older"? 10 years? 30 years?

[xiexieniii]

我请你吃饭，你对我那么好

hidden12345: Actually, thanks. I sent him this text message (adding 下次 and then taking out 那么, just so it wouldn't appear so uncharacteristically well-constructed) and he actually did seem moved.

Gato: I'd say about 20 years.

Anyway he said not to sweat it, and to invite him out once I finish school and start working.

[chen88]

You should be putting up more of an argument- even if you are a student. In China, it is customary for people from different parties to argue over who will pay the bill when going out to a meal. Whoever wins 'gains face', and whoever loses owes the other something- like putting up a greater fight and absolutely insisting to pay the next time. If you keep letting him pay, he may start seeing you as a stingy person. In general, being considered a stingy person is not good for your reputation in China.

You could also insist on going Dutch and paying a portion of the bill (AA制吧, I think…). If he truly has family in Canada, he should be accustomed to this practice.

Don’t be so sure a guy 20 years older than you cannot对你有说不能出的感觉. I know at least two people who went to China as female students and met guys 10-30 years older than them who kept taking them out to dinner or bringing them to places around town on the premise that they wanted to help them with language learning. Later, these guys would not leave them alone. It can get really awkward, because the girl does not want to make her friend lose face by confronting him and does not want to put herself in danger by making him mad at her, but at the same time he won’t give up and won’t stop contacting her until she leaves the city/country and cuts off all communication with him.

So I would highly advise you to start insisting on paying or start reconsidering how he feels about his relationship with you. No need to turn your time in Asia into an Asian drama.