My son's girlfreind and her family's attack on the relationship

[thenimblethief]

As a worried parent I would like to ask some advice. My son arrived in Xiamen about 3/4 weeks ago to go to university. His girlfreind was waiting for him and helped him get his apartment. Knowing my son, he is very much in love with this girl, and it appears she is very much in love with him. However, her parents are not enthralled by her choice of boyfreind and have made it clear to her that they disapprove strongly. Things have got unpleasant for her and she feels compelled to bend to their will. Is there any chance of this relationship blossoming or has it been ended before it starts?

nb: I have decided to edit this opening post so as to not embarass any parties concerned. Something i should have thought of originally.

Edited July 21, 2009 at 07:00 PM by thenimblethief

[yonglin]

I think that this is a general relationship-related rather than a China-related question: you cannot say that someone will behave in a particular fashion because they are Chinese. all people have different values, goals and personalities. That being said, it seems quite common that Chinese families of the more traditional sort are less than welcoming to intercultural relationships, e.g., 1, 2.

I think it all depends on the kind of person the girlfriend is, and what kind of relationship she has with her family. Is the excommunication threat real? If so, would she be willing to put up with that?

If the threat is real, the girl thinks she might be willing to give up on her family, but wants to buy herself some time to make sure the relationship will work out (hence, suggest the move to Shenzhen).

I think your son just needs to talk to his girlfriend about how she feels about it, and what kind of future she sees for them and herself. There's just no other way of knowing.

[katyjo]

The young lovers are too young. Family approval is very important to Chinese people. Chinese woman are usually very conscientious of having a younger spouse. Time will tell.

[Meng Lelan]

I see a lot of Chinese culture related issues here.

Am I correct in reading that your son is only 18? In China the legal marriage age for males is 22, if my memory is correct. Your son is young by Chinese standards to be getting very very serious.

So if your son is set on marriage, he has to wait some time before making it legal. Also there are some threads here from white guys who got engaged to Chinese girls only to find out the girls family expects some kind of large payment prior to the wedding. So he needs to have his finances in order if he is getting that serious.

Also in China women are supposed to marry "up" in terms of age, status, finances, etc. and I am reading here that he's just starting out in college, he's younger than the girl. For a very traditional family that's going to be a problem.

[gougou]

I don't think there's anything wrong with a little heartache at age 18, so there's no need to worry too much. Plus, Xiamen is a really nice city and certainly not the worst of places to get stranded in!

[roddy]

Is there any hope at all for this relationship? Is it worth fighting for or can this turn nasty if it develops further? Or should he now just forget the whole thing, study his mandarin and know that there are many other beautiful chinese girls out there and when the time comes, he'll find one waiting for him around the corner.

Let him make his own mind up. Sounds like he's got somewhere to live, a course to do, and once the academic year kicks off he'll be meeting plenty of people.

[studentyoung]

She is 22 and my son is 18.

Hmm. Well, well. You son is only 18, and that’s point. As a parent yourself, who has gone through the baptism of marriage and time, it won’t be too hard for you to understand that what a 18-year-old male needs usually is quite different from what a 38-year-old male does. This uncertainty is quite clear when it comes to love and marriage.

Is it worth fighting for or can this turn nasty if it develops further? Or should he now just forget the whole thing, study his mandarin and know that there are many other beautiful chinese girls out there and when the time comes, he'll find one waiting for him around the corner.

It would be better to let your son choose what to do next. In my opinion, the less parental intervention, the better, in this case. Believe your son, who is a young adult now. And it’s crucial for him to mature himself.

A worried Dad (& Mum)

Yes, parents are only natural to feel worried in a case like this. Well, besides worry, perhaps, there are some other things for parents to do, if the worst thing happens. Help your son to be brave like a MAN to face up to what happened and what will happen. Help your son to be honest to face up to his own feelings and the reality. Give him some time to accept the reality, which is equal to give him a chance to get mature. Tell your son Dad and Mom love him.

No matter what the end will become, you son can still take a lesson from it, which is so valuable in his life.So, why not toast your son’s maturation?

Cheers!

[Xiwang]

Your son may want to slow things down for six months or so to see if he feels the same way when some of the drama has died down a bit. He risks heartbreak but she risks permanently destroying her relationships with her family members.

Given his interest in things Chinese, I'm sure that he doesn't want to be just another Westerner who goes home eventually and leaves a mess behind back in China.

[Achell A]

last year, i was also in love with a white boy. He is 18 now, and I am turning to 24~

We both thought we loved each other so much, and he said how cute I was, that he couldnt live without me~And i was so determined to wait for him to graduate from high school then from university and finlly come to China to marry me~

But, last month, we had a quarrel. Our relationship ended up with his calling me "bitch" and "whore"~

As my experience, i think, firstly, 18 years old kids , are far away from being mature to handle relationship; secondly, culture difference will be there, forever; Thirdly, i dont believe foreigners, again~

'coz I got hurt, so very much~

Achell

[thenimblethief]

Thank you for all the replies. This is a brilliant forum. I am sorry if I have given everyone the wrong impression. Neither party in all this has ever been contemplating marriage in the near future. I only meant that the they both were 'in love' with one another and were spending all their time together. It was serious as far as western culture is concerned. It is an unusual start to a relationship that began on a forum and developed over 12 months online over here in the UK, and continued as soon as he arrived in Xiamen. I was really worried that this would be a disaster and told him to treat this like a blind date when he met her for the first time rather than on their webcam. They seem to hit it off straight away and she spent his first two weeks at his new apartment and, after, at the weekends. I was surprised but happy for him. Both are very sensible young people and very mature. He starts at university next month anyway so his mind should be diverted. I just feel so sorry for BOTH of them. We have a large chinese community here in the UK where we live and they say that although it can happen here, it's becoming less common with parents now giving much greater consideration to the childs happiness. You only realise what a blight it is on our lives when you experience this type of discrimination.

I will always leave my son to sort his affairs out and I know he will. He is an extremely sensitive boy and will be very sad if this does end. And I know she will too as I have spoken to her on numerous occasions before this happened, and she is such a sweet girl, and very clever too. I know one thing............if he had brought her home to us, we'd have welcomed her with open and loving arms and treated her like a daughter. So would the rest of our family and freinds. She should know that, and so should some others who were concerned in this.

A concerned Dad (but now further enlightened by the good people on your forum)

Edited July 21, 2009 at 07:04 PM by thenimblethief
Edited to take out any artistic license and to protect privacy.

[anonymoose]

Too bad about the girlfriend situation, which seems to quite common with Western/Chinese partnerships (judging by the number of threads on this forum), but at least, Xiamen is a good place to be, so I don't think you need to worry too much from that point of view. Xiamen is fairly modern, cleaner than most Chinese cities, and generally a pleasant place to be.

[Scoobyqueen]

If you havent already done so, consider changing the names of the cities and perhaps a few circumstances so that your son is not so easily identifiable. You also mention that his name is xxx. Just for his sake since it is his personal story.

Edited July 21, 2009 at 07:17 PM by Scoobyqueen

[abcdefg]

Is there any hope at all for this relationship?

Answer: No.

Is it worth fighting for or can this turn nasty if it develops further?

Answer: Don't fight. It can ruin the girl's life.

Or should he now just forget the whole thing, study his mandarin and know that there are many other beautiful chinese girls out there....

Answer: Yes. You've got it right.

[imron]

I don't think it's a complete write-off but it's going to take time and effort to bring the parents around. An important part of this will require your son to build up his Chinese so he can communicate with them and other family members. Although the parents are currently opposed to the relationship, you might find that other relatives (e.g. the uncle) do not share the same opinion or at least are more open to getting to know your son. If other family members can be convinced that your son is a good match for his girlfriend, then they can help work on the parents.

There are going to be plenty of difficulties though, and I agree with everyone else that the best thing for your son to do now is knuckle down on learning Chinese.

[jbradfor]

She then decided to take him with her to her parents home and tell them she did not want to go. Things went very wrong there. Firstly, although they had heard about him, they had no idea that the relationship was at the stage it was; secondly they had no idea he was in China. This was a nasty surprise to them and although they treated my son courteously, they became very volatile towards her. Firstly they told her that she had no choice in the matter; that she had to go to Xinjin (permanently) and that she should think of herself as an ungrateful brat for allowing them to pay for her university degree and then to treat them with so little respect. Secondly that she should not be bringing a white non chinese man into their home and that she should be ashamed of herself.

Reading this, I have a slightly different perspective.

Not to blame the victim, but it sounds like your son's GF handled this very poorly. Her parents were very surprised by several aspects, and responded in a way that, while unfortunate and not very mature, is very human: with anger. There's a good chance that they said things that in calmer circumstances they wouldn't have. The problem is that these things are said, and if the relationship is to continue, her parents need a way to "take back" what they said in a way that they do not lose face to their daughter (who is way below them in rank in their eyes) and to a foreigner (we won't even get into the rank here ).

From 6000 miles away and knowing little about the situations, my suggestion would be that she needs to act contrite and apologetic to her parents for a while. Have the blame be on her for a while, even if we don't think it's deserved. Since your son and her have had a LD relationship for a while, they can continue that for a while longer. The goal of this period is to give her parents time to adjust.

If, in fact they do adjust (not guaranteed), then things can continue.

The other option is that she gets pregnant with a son

[Meng Lelan]

There are going to be plenty of difficulties though, and I agree with everyone else that the best thing for your son to do now is knuckle down on learning Chinese.

I agree also. Your son needs to take his studies seriously and absolutely focus his efforts on learning the Chinese language as well as Chinese culture and history. This is in the best interests of everyone involved in this situation here.

[Lu]

Oh poor guy. Is anyone here in Xiamen who can take him for a drink so he's not completely alone in a strange place in a faraway land?

The prospects for the relationship don't look too good, but all he can do is talk things out with his girlfriend. She'll have the best idea on what can be done. How much he should fight for her is really up to him. Meanwhile, it's not a bad idea to stay in Xiamen and study Chinese.

[thenimblethief]

to jbradfor - ha.....ha....!!! I liked that one!

to everyone else who kindly replied to my thread. Thanks. It seems obvious that he should step back and let nature take it's course. What will be will be. And as for editing my thread; after speaking to my son it appears you all know who I was talking about anyway. This is certainly a little tightly knitted community. But a very good one nevertheless..........and yes, I believe the poor sod needs that drink!

[gougou]

It's nothing he would have to be embarassed about though, things like that do happen and happened to many of us, too!

I hope he can find a solution that makes him happy, no matter whether that be including the girl or intensive language studies.