Chinese conversation stoppers

[mudhead]

Conversation between Chinese people and Westerners, whether in English or in Chinese, is full of pitfalls because of the tremendous cultural differences, especially because these differences may go unperceived. In particular, Chinese speech has various subtle cues which tell the listener that he should not pursue a subject. Their purpose is to maintain respect and personal distance. A non-Chinese listener will quickly succeed in annoying his Chinese conversation partner if he does not respond properly to these cues.

Various issues of status and face are involved, which are more or less important depending on who you are talking to. You must take special care with high-status elderly or at least mature Chinese native speakers, though I have also heard these expressions from professionals in their thirties who felt they should be treated as high-status.

The expressions below may seem innocuous to the English-speaking listener, but to a high-status Chinese person saying them they are full of significance. A listener who fails to respond to the hidden meanings will be considered uncultured, and in the long run not worth talking to. Be warned!

I express my sincere gratitude to 杨光辉 (Prof. Yang Guanghui), my Chinese teacher, who introduced me to these and to many other fascinating aspects of Chinese culture.

1. “I do not know.”

Meaning: I know, but I’m not telling you.

2. “It doesn’t matter.”

Meaning: I don’t know and don’t care. Your comment is irrelevant.

3. “I know that.”

Meaning: I have no clue, but if I admitted it I would lose face.

4. “Really?”

Meaning: I didn’t know that, so it must be insignificant. Admitting there is something I don’t know would lose face.

5. “Whatever you want.”

Meaning: Your suggestion is inappropriate, especially because I might have to live with the consequences.

6. “The bus leaves around 6AM. It’s the only bus of the day.”

Meaning: I don’t know when the bus leaves, but I realize that it’s important. I needn’t bother to tell you how I will find out. If you try to pursue the conversation, I will either have to lose face by admitting my lack of knowledge, or I will have to explain how I will find out, which is something you do not have sufficient status to inquire about.

7. “Yes, I have a brother and a sister, but they do not live in the same town as I do.”

Meaning: You are asking an inappropriate personal question.

8. “I have thought about that.”

Meaning: I have come to a conclusion and will not change my opinion no matter what you say. This is a very efficient way of thinking, because I don’t need to consider your opinion or anyone else’s.

In the extreme case, if you ask for explanations or attempt discussion, I will shout my opinion over and over again until you give in. I may even interrupt you every time you start a sentence. This shows you that nothing you might have to say has any possible significance, and so I don’t even need to hear it. But if you get to this point, you have clearly gone too far.

9. “I have information.”

Meaning: You do not have sufficient status to know my reasons.

[muyongshi]

Ummm.... interesting post and 1) without the Chinese I have no clue what your prof was referring to and 2) each and everyone of those are going to be so situational, I don't know that it was worth bringing up.

[Scoobyqueen]

Thanks for posting these interesting points.

I have a question

A non-Chinese listener will quickly succeed in annoying his Chinese conversation partner if he does not respond properly to these cues.

Do you not think though that a "high-status" Chinese would have the abillity to work out that the foreigner may not be able understand the hidden messages. If I speak to someone who does not master English very well, I wouldnt expect him/her to be able to understand any subtleties and I would adapt my language use accordingly. I would expect this from a high-status Chinese too.

I agree with Muyongshi that the Chinese would be helpful in understanding what the professor was referring to. If you are trying to put something subtle across the exact choice of words becomes even more important.

[anonymoose]

I think too much is made of "cultural difference". Sure, cultural differences do exist, but any socially skilled person should be able to handle such differences without having to study each potential situation academically in advance. People are different from one another no matter where they are from, and I think in a lot of situations, these difference are ascribed to culture when in fact they arise from the natural variation between individuals.

I'm not sure what you mean by "high-status Chinese person", or actually I do know what you mean - some arrogant asshole who thinks too much of himself, but this kind of person exists in every culture, and anyone with an "I have come to a conclusion and will not change my opinion no matter what you say. This is a very efficient way of thinking, because I don’t need to consider your opinion or anyone else’s" attitude is quite simply an asshole regardless of whether they are Chinese, European, American or from anywhere else.

[mudhead]

Muyongshi and Scoobyqueen, the conversations I take my examples from were all in English. In fact, this is what made the situations so difficult. I assumed that I was hearing ordinary conversation in my own language and only understood the hidden messages on thinking about it later. If I had more Chinese, I'm sure I would make much worse mistakes.

Anonymoose, I agree that most Chinese make allowances for cultural differences with Westerners. I have seen wonderful examples of this and made wonderful friendships in the six months I have been in China. Only an especially unreconstructed and unaccommodating person will consistently maintain an attitude like the one I describe. But believe me, such people exist. And if you happen to meet one, what I say might possibly be useful.

[Guest realmayo]

I don't stress out too much about it if it's one on one, but I think it's legitimate to be concerned about inadvertantly putting one Chinese guy into a very embarassing situation in front of lots of other Chinese people. The more I ask my friends about why they did this or that, the more it seems that Chinese people, as a matter of course, worry more about what they say and how they say it than I, or my western friends, seem to.

[caffeineaddict]

I'm not entirely convinced to be honest. I think that sometimes we are so eager to be respectful that we end up overanalyzing and making up strict cultural rules when in reality, all you need to realize is that humans share a lot of basic conversational rules. The following paragraph, for example, is too vague and surely can be applied to other situations. If two people are having a conversation and one is clearly missing the boat on the other's meaning then I'd expect them not to be too chatty in the future At least the first four points are common to both Chinese and "western" conversations in my opinion.

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"The expressions below may seem innocuous to the English-speaking listener, but to a high-status Chinese person saying them they are full of significance. A listener who fails to respond to the hidden meanings will be considered uncultured, and in the long run not worth talking to. Be warned!"

[anonymoose]

caffeineaddict said exactly what I was trying to express in my post above.

[Scoobyqueen]

I have a colleague who is always asking me what so and so meant when he said so and so. Often these are straightforward points but somehow my Chinese colleague manages to put a different spin on it. It seems to me that the Chinese tend to read a lot more into what someone (in business) is saying than, say, we do in Europe. Moreover, this same colleague is very creative when it comes to finding out certain things. Rather than asking the question directly he will try to find out in a different way. To me that suggests, that this is how he would go about it in China, ie with a Chinese business colleague he would take the same approach.

[gato]

A Chinese friend recently sent me this. Just for your reference.

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8 ) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

[Outofin]

That's very funny. I can write more. Say in a corporate environment (I must admit this is inspired by the Dilbert series)

Classic - this term is used for marketing crappy old products.

Prototype - this is a new product that is equally crappy. Used by salesmen to cheat prospective customers.

Change Order - this is what customers have to pay dearly after they install a "prototype" (see above).

We're assigning you to a new position where you're really good at. -- So you won't never ever have a chance to make those stupid mistakes on things you're not good at.

That's not my idea. -- That's not my fault but I don't want to make my manager lose face.

That's my idea. -- Now you all know who is the smart guy.

Our top priority is to meet the dead line. -- It's time to lower the quality.

[Madot]

I don't think you can give rules, as in: when Chinese person says this, he means that, etc. but it IS true that the communication rules are different. There's even a name for this difference. The Chinese culture is a 'context-based' society whereas most English speaking countries are 'text-based' societies. It's not black and white of course, but people in text-based societies get the majority of the meaning IN THE WORDS themselves whereas people in a context-based society don't rely as heavily on the words. They are expected to know the context and 'read between the lines'. (We do this too, but just not as much as the Chinese, the Japanese, Arabic speakers, and some others.) The listener is expected 'to know' and so the speaker doesn't have to put everything into the words themselves. If you do put every last nuance into words, it is seen as an insult to the listener's (or reader's) intelligence because it sounds as though you are speaking to a child and explaining everything. There's a great book which explains this really well (and lots of other things too of course. It's called 'Translating Cultures' by David Katan. Fascinating stuff!

Mado

[Scoobyqueen]

Madot -That is really interesting stuff. Thanks for posting.

It led me to wonder, amongst other things, if cultures that tend to read between the lines are indeed so sensitive that they may discover that “we” communicate differently, much earlier than we notice it. If so, they are probably very forgiving and just put it down to our communications style.

[Madot]

That's a really interesting question. Because I work in a university area, I hear mostly from over-seas students and staff from context-based societies who complain about how difficult it is to make themselves understood. They set out an argument in a paper, for example, or try to explain something to their colleagues in an email or even orally, and find that they just 'don't get it'. So I'm hearing the other half of the story--'context' people trying to fit into a 'text' society. I'm not sure how people in a context society react to 'text' people IN THE CONTEXT SOCIETY. Sometimes they find us rude for talking about things which should 'just be understood', but as to the rest... not sure. ASK! :-)

Mado

[mudhead]

Mado, I think you have hit the nail on the head. We are supposed to understand nuances and implications from context, but we can do this only if we share the context. This is especially true when people of different cultures, like Westerners and Chinese native speakers, are trying to deal with each other.

I think there might be less difference between "context" and "text" societies than you seem to think. The understanding of underlying implications is just as important within one's own society. My first wife, for example, was constantly irritated because I didn't understand "what she meant," since we didn't share the same upbringing and social norms.

My original post was actually revenge against someone who irritated me (and who will never see the post, I hope). I'm grateful that all of you have made something more interesting out of it. Thanks!

[Madot]

I'm sure you're right. Difference in background and social norms within the same society can certainly cause the same sort of difficulty as text/context differences. But I think the difference is that people who are part of a text-based society but with different backgrounds maywell be able to articulate these. They are more likely to put them into words when conflict arises whereas this won't happen within a context society. Of course, it is also true that a person can come from a context-based society (e.g. the child of immigrants) and retain a lot of those attitudes even while they are being raised in a text-based society. My husband, for example, was born into an Italian family in America. Italy is a far more context-based society than America. We have constant issues in this area with my saying, "But you SAID..." and quoting exact words back to him and with him saying, "Yes, but the MEANING..."

Mado

[aimei]

Thanks for posting this. When my parents came to visit me during my study abroad in Beijing, they stayed at a hotel downtown. My dad is an early riser and wanted to know what time the restaurant opened for the breakfast buffet. Every time he asked an employee, he got a different (but very assured) answer. Finally he figured out it opened at 7 am, which was not a time that any employees had quoted. According to this, I guess they just didn't know, but didn't want to face, so they just made up a time. I've always wondered what was going on with that until now!