Caught in a cross-generational & cross-cultural crossfire

[mchwang]

I'm hoping to get some opinion for those who are caught in a similar background.

My parents are from Taiwan and are somewhat traditional. We immigrated when I was in elementary school to US and spend majority of my life here. I recently got married to a wonderful lady who's of Chinese descent but is pretty much an ABC. She doesn't know much of Chinese custom. Couple of years ago, her mother passed away and after we got married, she has her mother's picture out on a shelf around the dining area. My parents are very sensitive about that because according to tradition, she is not suppose to be honoring her side of the family in the house at all. I, however, see nothing wrong with this personally but it has become such a tense situation that I'm not quite sure how to diffuse it. I am not telling my wife about it since it won't make sense to her at all. However, my parents are coming to visit soon and they will no doubt make another big issue on it.

I recognize this as a cross-generational and a cross cultural issue since my parents are significantly older than my friends (they're in their 60's and 70's) and even though they've been in US for over 20 years, most of their interaction is still with the Chinese community. Does anyone have experiences they can share on how to deal with situations like this? Any feedback/advice would be appreciated!

Thanks!

[gato]

Couple of years ago, her mother passed away and after we got married, she has her mother's picture out on a shelf around the dining area. My parents are very sensitive about that because according to tradition, she is not suppose to be honoring her side of the family in the house at all.

I think you have to have a heart-to-heart talk with your parents and tell them to back off. Explain to them nicely that you live in America, and you have to respect other people's values, too -- including your wife's, of course.

If you were living entirely in accordance with Chinese tradition, you would be living at your parents' house with your wife. And perhaps that's how the tradition of minimizing the wife's family developed. But you are now living in your own house, not your parents'. You are already breaking with Chinese tradition. It no longer makes sense to bring this rule that developed in very different circumstances into your life.

If your parents are in their 60s and 70s, I guess you must be in your 30s, at least. You should be capable of having a straight talk with your parents. I understand why you haven't raised the issue with your wife, because you don't want her to be uncomfortable with your parents. That's probably fine. But you have to be more pro-active with your parents, in that case. You don't want to wait until there's a confrontation between them and your wife.

[katyjo]

A friend of mine has lots of pictures placed upstairs (wedding pictures, grandparents)where she can see them everyday as she pass by on her way downstairs. Downstairs in the general area, she has pictures of her kids here and there.

[HashiriKata]

If your parents are still not happy seeing the photo, you could put them in a comfortable five-star hotel without the photo. Your wife, being a good daughter in law, would object to this and try to bring them back to the house. With this, I'm sure your parents would appreciate your wife even more and at the same time understand whose house it is that they're staying. Voilà, problems solved!

[Madot]

Isn't it really a question of who will be more understanding of the fact that there is a cultural clash? Obviously your parents think they know how things are supposed to be. Your wife has grown up in America and understands that often, the older generation, especially people from different cultures, have difficulty adapting to 'new' ways. As an ABC, she would also understand the issue of respect for parents and the older generation. Of course she needs to know that you are on her side, but maybe you might be very surprised at how understanding your wife could be.

Mado

[roddy]

As an ABC, she would also understand the issue of respect for parents and the older generation.

Such as, for example, her mother?

[gato]

It might be easier to think about this if you think of in terms of clash of preferences rather than clash of culture. After all, not everyone in Taiwan follow this tradition that parents may be following, and Taiwan of today is probably quite different from Taiwan of 20 years ago.

Now your parents may not think of their "tradition" as a preference. "Tradition" to them might just be tradition -- but it is also a preference, a socially-enforced one, perhaps. Ideally, everyone can realize that you can't always have it exactly your own way and agree to compromise. But what if they don't want to compromise? Then I would think that since you are going to spending much more time with your wife than with your parents, you should err in favor of wife. Getting her annoyed is going to be much more of a pain more than than making your parents annoyed, I would think. You don't want to make your wife think that every time there is a clash of preferences between her and your parents, you are going to side with your parents no matter how unreasonable they are.

So somehow you need to finesse this. Try to gauge how adamant your parents are about this tradition. Maybe they don't care as much as you think they do. If they are serious about it, try to explain how close your wife was to her mother and how asking your wife to move the photo would upset her. Play to their hearts and maybe it will convince them to give in. Anyway, start with this soft approach, and you may need to harden it depending on how your parents react. But the bottom line is that you are a married adult, and it's your and your wife's house, you'll try to make reasonable accommodations for your parents, but they have to realize they can't get their way 100% of the time and that would be the case even if you all still lived in Taiwan.

[jbradfor]

I was about to reply with "It's your house. Be a man and tell them to $)#&@*& off", but it's good that more culturally sensitive people replied instead of me

Instead, I would only add the suggestion that it's important to pick your battles. In this case, it is purely symbolic, and if your wife could yield for a bit for the sake of happiness, that would be nice of her.

And that, ultimately, while this is un-Chinese of me, pick your wife over your parents. After all, you live with her, not them.

[roddy]

Sorry, but the only way his wife should be finding out about this is if the final sentence is "And so I've disowned them, shall I make dinner?" Tell your parents to shut up about it, or not visit. You might want to be more tactful about it than that, but . . . well, man or mouse.

I'm frankly gobsmacked that anyone can a) object to a picture of a deceased loved one and B) claim it's tradition. I bet there's a hundred and one even less traditional things you do every day they don't care about - this looks like an attempt to assert control, and not in a particularly nice way . . .

[Lu]

Of course your parents have no say over what's in your house. On the other hand, depending on the character of your parents and your relationship with them, you might want to pick your battles and just explain to your wife that your parents are irrational, but would she mind if the picture of her mother is put away when your parents visit.

...And while I was typing this I suddenly realized that this makes no sense at all. If it was an ugly painting, putting it away for the occasion would be good, but this is the portrait of her mother, who has just as much right to be in the room as your parents. So I'll agree with the majority of the other posters: politely tell your parents that this is your house and they'll have to deal with it if they want to visit. Or take HashiriKata's suggestion, that sounds even better.

[jbradfor]

but this is the portrait of her mother, who has just as much right to be in the room as your parents.

100% true. OTOH, the picture is not going to made snide comments for the entire visit.

[Madot]

Good point, Roddy! (#6) Touche'!

I totally agree-- once you marry, your first loyalty has to be to your spouse. No question.

My point was more along the 'pick your battles' line. Of course, if this is an ongoing power struggle type conflict, then just take a stand and tell your parents firmly to butt out, but if it is simply a once-off cultural issue, this may not be necessary if your wife is understanding about the 'older generation'. My main point is: talk to your wife. Don't just assume what her attitude will be. (I'm speaking here as one who has been in both situations: the daughter-in-law of very traditional elderly parents from a culture different from my own and now the mother-in-law of a man from a completely different culture. A combination of respect and communication has been very useful to me.)

Mado

[HashiriKata]

If I were the son, I'd tell the parents that the time & place have changed, and they would be wrong to insist on something that may have existed in ancient China.

I'm reading 三国演义 and I was yesterday at a place where a man, out of admiration for Liu Bei, secretely killed his wife to feed Liu Bei with her flesh (It's a time of famine and Liu Bei was travelling though the man's village). Everyone in the empire was praising the man for his "virtue" and "sense of duty". So, just tell your parents that time has changed, and what seems "natural" at one time may be unthinkable at another.

[gato]

Good example, HashiriKata.

[skylee]

Good example, HashiriKata.

I agree.

[Madot]

Mchwang, after all this advice, will you please tell us what you do and what the results are?

:-)

Mado