Who rules the house in China?

[Guittar]

In the US, there has always been a notion of the man as the ruler of his house. Until 100 years ago women could not own property or vote. The cultural change in the US towards womens equality is still a work in progress. In general, the man is still the "head of the house" today. American saying " You know how you stay married for 30 years? You do everything your wife wants."

I know a Chinese family in town because my best friend is married to one of the daughters. The three brothers and other sister run a Chinese restaurant in town. This is my question. It seems like the Chinese women run the houses and tell their husbands what to do, in all four houses! We have a saying here, "when she tells him to jump, he asks how high"

Do the women in China "wear the pants" in the family? Are they in charge?

Edited October 8, 2009 at 06:12 PM by Guittar

[lzreading]

女主内, 男主外

[Don_Horhe]

I'd say it's the women, especially in Shanghai.

[Guoke]

Obviously, the dominant one.

[muyongshi]

I agree with guoke.

Actually I think 90% of the time the answer is the same: the woman. Because whether it is a place where the woman is dominant from an outside perspective we must always remember "the woman is the neck that turns the head".

[gerri]

While I can't really disagree (to the statement that the woman in general rules the house), I do think that the issue is a bit more complicated:

If the relationship goes sour, for example, given traditional logic, the woman loses out greatly. A divorce is still very much a disgrace (for the woman), thus something they wouldn't want (usually - divorce rates are rising). So, if you get a husband who does have affairs, you'd better stay with him anyways. Even more so given that in a divorce, the child usually seems to go to the father.

(The same logic of disgrace - and better keeping mum - even seems to apply in the case of rape: consider the logic behind this )

Many men also seem to say that the woman rules the house, but not necessarily them - playing cards, going out drinking, etc. are just pastimes, things that men "have to" do - the same as women "have to" enjoy shopping for shoes. So, it can happen that the woman rules an empty house, or one with a "little emperor."

... Just some (admittedly rather random) food for thought, to complicate things a bit.

What I really wonder is what the rate of divorce, extramarital affairs, and such things are really like... Not much hard data here, and rather contradictory data and impressions. One hears a lot about second wives and prostitution, but surveys would say that most people have only one (sexual) partner in their life...

[XiaoXi]

I'd agree 100%. Maybe its 'cos the Chinese men generally aren't much bigger than the women? My wife is Chinese and she finds its strange I act like the head of the household and actually argue back instead of just going along with everything she says. She actually feels that I'm like a woman since the roles seem to be reversed in China.

[Neil_H]

My Chinese mother in law is about 1.5m tall (5ft) and her husband is about 1.68m (5ft7).

She is small but she is the dragon of the family with a quick temper and a right hand she is not afraid to use if he steps out of line. He is a quiet man where as she is the opposite.

Sometimes it comes down to personality and who is the better leader or controller to run the responsibilities of the house and family.

That said, any big decisions like buying another house or a car need to be made by him.

[mcgau]

Agreed with Neil_H . I was raised in a teochew family. My mom decided most subtle things and many "details" about the house but all important decisions went to my father.

In my learning, husbands should be quiet and keep his "dignify". In most everyday issue, they let wives do it, but when husbands make a big decision, wives are expected to respect it.

In my uncle's house, his wife is really a loud monster who spoil their kid badly. My uncle let it go almost of time, but when he's annoyed and piss, my aunt shut her mouth tightly and dare not defend the kid.

[crazy-meiguoren]

I know only one couple where the wife is Chinese (he is American). While they were dating, she was acting sweet toward him, but after they married, she was definitely in charge, in an obvious way. I'm not jumping to any conclusions about how Chinese women act during courtship then marriage in general. This is the only such couple I know well enough to see this kind of behavior. Could there be other factors involved? He is a passive sort of person. Before she moved to the Staes, she suffered a series of hard luck in China that did not give her the best standing in Chinese society (second child, one of them disabled, then came a divorce). Just trying to get a grasp on the bigger picture.

[adrianlondon]

Every time I saw a couple arguing in Beijing, which was surprisingly frequent, it was always the man standing there, usually with a stoic look on his face and often smoking, and the woman shouting at him.

Not totally sure what that means - probably that men are used to their wives shouting at them, and that they take no notice.

[anonymoose]

I think this is pretty universal.

[Neil_H]

I know my Chinese father in-law ignores most of what she tells him which causes a big argument later with her using a whack on the shoulder to drum some sense into him. He is very stubborn and she is quick tempered. They threaten each other with divorce every few days but have been married for over 35 years! When I get the chance to watch them in action like I did when they came over for our baby daughters birth it really is extremely funny to watch.

Although they were arguing in their local Shandong dialect I could make out the regular threat of "You just wait till I get you back to Heze"

[doraemon]

My family's from northern China, and frankly, I think most wives there are really domineering and quick-tempered. They also seem to swear a lot when gossiping about their husbands to each other and often swear at their husbands as well. It's a pity the husbands don't give in either. They swear back and the wives then do it back twice as loud. An argument always breaks out in this case which probably won't end until a few hours later, even when it's over the most trivial thing.

In contrast, women from southern China eg. Guangdong, HK, Taiwan are generally much more gentle and soft.

[renzhe]

Be careful, Shanghai is also considered to be in the south

[bniu1]

i think nowadays, both spouses will get a say in how things go, but only the female's opinion actually counts. Since women are now essentially self sufficient, they can pretty much get their way now...

my cousin wants to immigrate to sydney to pursue her dream of living in a distant land far away. Her boyfriend doesn't want her to. I told her boyfriend: "she's going to sydney whether you go with her or not. if you really want to be with her, you can find her in sydney."

[Interested]

Thanks for this thread. I didn't know. My girlfriend is sooo sweet to me know, but little things are creeping in like how the wedding will be, why she hasn't done things I ask her to do for us, .... lots of overall attitude things now that she thinks I will marry her. (I never asked her!!)

I would like to hear of any other signs that I may have ignored regarding who wears the 'pants' in the family. I have no intention of waking up to a demanding woman... it isn't going to happen twice!

Thanks again for the eye opener. I'm glad I know what I didn't know earlier! I'll need to be more careful.

If anyone cares to give me a few more hints about marriage in China to a beautiful Chinese woman, please fill me in! Maybe I'm incorrect, but after reading this thread over and over.... I think I need to say zai jian. Sad when she is so personable, witty, charming, and kind in so many ways. But, I'm sure I won't care to be lorded over. Equal is fine.

I was expecting equal... we agreed on it. But , the signs are there. I'll keep my pants in this house, thanks again.

[adrianlondon]

If it's getting close to you saying yes, or proposing yourself, then you owe it to the time you've both invested so far to sit down like adults and have a conversation about it. Not to strangers here, but to your girlfriend.

Of course, please keep us strangers updated! ;)

[isela]

Unfortunately, I would have to agree with most of you here. Women are rulers in most of Chinese families now. 气管炎(妻管严) is arguably the most common symptom among Chinese husbands in the recent decades, and little evidence is in place showing that this situation will change.

I indeed feel pity for my dad because apparently I myself am the most significant person in my family, and then comes my mom, and then him. But just 60 years ago the situation in almost all families were still completely the reverse. Could this be an example for the phrase 矫枉过正？

[xianhua]

I have no intention of waking up to a demanding woman

If you find one who isn't demanding (of any race or nationality), let me know.