seeking company of Taiwanese man for my mother

[mochiface]

My father passed away over 8 years ago. My mother is 64 and lives in Orange County. My older sister got married and moved to NYC, I recently got married and live in Los Angeles, and I see marriage in the near future for my younger sister as well. With my sisters and I "all grown up and living our own lives", and with no other family in the U.S., my mother is feeling very lonely and is considering moving back to Taiwan. I don't want this to happen, and I know she doesn't really want that to happen either -- she just doesn't see any other alternative. My sisters and I would love nothing more than to have her meet a nice Taiwanese man to hang out with, but she scoffs at the idea of putting herself out there, so I am taking it upon myself to find someone for her. My husband's mother found companionship on J-Date, a very respectable, well-bred dating site for the Jewish community, but there exists nothing like that for the Asian community. The only Asian dating sites I found were targeted for younger people or for older people with Asian fetishes (ick), so I have scoured every online dating site for "seniors", as well as the ones for all ages, and have concluded that the kind of man we are looking for would never be on any of those sites. Basically, my mom would only be comfortable with someone like my father -- educated (but not intellectually or culturally pretentious), ambitious (though at her age, most men are retired), funny, generous (cheap people are a major turn off), caring, and well-groomed. My father was not tall nor in very good shape (he loved to eat and gained a bunch of weight after he stopped smoking), but he was nevertheless a good-looking man -- and very important to my mother, he showered everyday, never had greasy hair, and didn't dress "fobby". My mother doesn't consider herself a fob, but she is not at all "white-washed". She speaks Mandarin Chinese, Taiwanese, and English. My sisters and I understand her English perfectly well, and she works in personal banking where she has to use English everyday, but she's always afraid that "Americans" don't understand what she's saying, which makes her very shy and introverted in social situations. Her major hobbies are gardening and sewing; and like most Asian women, she LOVES to shop. She also very much enjoyed going to Vegas and playing baccarat with my father, which I'm sure she misses, having not done it in over 10 years. Though definitely not an outdoorsy type (like any typical Asian mom, she fears the sun for its tanning and aging effects), she and my father built their dream home in Fort Collins, Colorado where they lived for about 16 years (my younger sister and I were born there), so she does appreciate the beauty of nature. I apologize for the long-winded post, but if anyone out there has a Taiwanese father, uncle, grandfather, brother, colleague, friend, neighbor, teacher, boss, etc. who might make a good companion for my mother (and vice versa), please let me know! I am desperate to find happiness for my mother, and am certain that many other ABCs out there who have lost a parent are also concerned about their immigrant mother/father finding someone or something to keep them company. http://www.chinese-forums.com/images/smilies/help.gif

[adrianlondon]

Could she not move to somewhere with a decent chinatown and join in Taiji or Majiang or something? Build up a social life and social group rather than have to get close to someone she doesn't really know?

[BrandeX]

maybe you can try here, where I also happen to have met my wife initially:

http://friends.englishcn.com/public/home.jhtml

It has people of all ages from all walks of life, living in nearly country there.

[xiaotao]

You are so thoughtful to be thinking about your mom. I have have told my mom that it was okay for her to find a male friend if she wanted to but she said that she is only true to one man, my dad. She hangs out with the ladies. Your mom has to have the desire to find companionship. I think Chinese people are shy to the idea. I think good activities to find a vibrant friends would be line dancing or ball room dancing. I went to a big ball room dancing place years ago, went to beginners hour, changed partners every few minutes.

[mochiface]

RE: Could she not move to somewhere with a decent chinatown and join in Taiji or Majiang or something? Build up a social life and social group rather than have to get close to someone she doesn't really know?

My mom actually does live in an area of Orange County where there are lots of Asians, but all she really does is work, garden, shop, and watch the Taiwanese/Chinese channel on TV -- none of which require social interaction. I would LOVE it if she got into something like taichi or mahjong, but unless someone she knew and felt comfortable with invited her to join them, she would never do it. It is impossible to get her to try anything new -- especially if it involves "putting herself out there". And she has become even less outgoing in recent years. I think that, for my mom, having the companionship and the attention of a man would make her feel better about herself and her life, and would then actually give her the confidence to go out and make friends. When my sister and I were in Chinese School and our dad was still around, my mom was a social butterfly with the other Chinese School parents, but that's because she had a "reason" to talk to them: while we were in class, she was taking the "adult-ed" classes (i.e., floral design, ballroom dancing, etc.) with the other parents whose kids were in class too. My dad wasn't in those classes with her, but she had a husband and people knew that -- whereas, now, she is a (gasp) "widow", and that makes her feel self-conscious. My sister and I would ditch Chinese class pretty much everyday (one of my biggest regrets in life), so I didn't make any friends while I was there, plus I never had any Chinese friends in "regular school", so my mom was never friends with any of my friends' parents. I think what I might have to do is go down to Orange County on a regular basis and get my mom to take up an activity with ME that would have other Chinese/Taiwanese participants in her age group. I've always wanted to learn mahjong -- and I used to take water aerobics, so I've hung out with people even older than her . Thank you so much for the advice -- it was very nice of you to respond so quickly!

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RE: maybe you can try here, where I also happen to have met my wife initially:

http://friends.englishcn.com/public/home.jhtml

It has people of all ages from all walks of life, living in nearly country there.

Thanks for the tip! But the site is in Chinese, and my mom's interest in the web is extremely limited. I may try to trick her into checking it out though...like asking her what the site is all about, since I don't know Chinese .

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RE: You are so thoughtful to be thinking about your mom. I have have told my mom that it was okay for her to find a male friend if she wanted to but she said that she is only true to one man, my dad. She hangs out with the ladies. Your mom has to have the desire to find companionship. I think Chinese people are shy to the idea. I think good activities to find a vibrant friends would be line dancing or ball room dancing. I went to a big ball room dancing place years ago, went to beginners hour, changed partners every few minutes.

No one could ever replace my dad either, so I know my mom would never marry again, but I know she desires companionship -- she just thinks she's too old to bother, and I refuse to believe that. I think ballroom dancing is an excellent idea! My father was a great ballroom dancer, so she actually took ballroom dancing at Chinese school (see above, re: the first reply) to "catch up" to him. It would be good for her to get a little exercise too! My sister or I would have to take it with her (at least until she makes some friends), but we would benefit from the lessons too . Thanks so much for the advice!

[adrianlondon]

I clicked on that URL Brandex and only two of the photos on the homepage had girls holding their two fingers in the air. Has to be fake ;)

[Lu]

I think what I might have to do is go down to Orange County on a regular basis and get my mom to take up an activity with ME that would have other Chinese/Taiwanese participants in her age group. I've always wanted to learn mahjong -- and I used to take water aerobics, so I've hung out with people even older than her .

If you have time for this, this sounds like a very good plan. She won't be alone in a new group, she'll have the companionship of someone she knows and loves -- you, and she'll have a social role other than 'widow', namely 'mother'. All that could well give her the confidence she needs to make new friends. I hope all works out well, and it's very thoughtful of you to think about all this!

[mochiface]

Thanks Lu! I wish I didn't live so far away, or have so much work to do all the time, but maybe my sister, who lives closer, can go with her when I can't. But in the meantime, if anyone out there knows someone in southern California who might make a good match for my mom, I'd still love to introduce her to someone ...

[BrandeX]

The english version is here:

http://www.worldfriends.tv/public/home.jhtml

There was 3 pages of hits for men 61-85 who speak Taiwanese. So not too many in this age group, as I suppose can be expected.

[mochiface]

thanks BrandeX!