Dealing with certain difficult Foreigners

[ciaocaio]

I haven't been in China that long, but long enough to have had a couple of jobs in a couple of cities. Right now I am in what I, until recently, figured was a dream situation. I'm in a small (read: not many crowds and not much polution) but (relatively) wealthy and interesting city, I have a great and enjoyable job with people I genuinely like and get along with, and a great location in the heart of downtown: I can easily walk to work and so on. I was always planning to stay a long time in China, because I know learning the language would take a while, and finding such a comfortable situation has only increased my desire to establish a life for myself here.

One thing is though: there are almost no foreigners here. Less than twenty by my count, and I only know of two other laowai who are actually settled. Most of them are just passing through. Nothing wrong with that: they're a pretty good set this year. My school only hires three waijiao, though, most of the others work in different schools, mostly in the suburbs for some reason.

For me, not having many foreigners to talk to isn't a problem. I am an extremely quiet person, I don't like going to bars and as I'm pushing thirty, I'm getting too old to want to party anyway. A few Chinese friends at work and a couple foreign friends I see sometimes is more than enough for me. It's also never been a problem for me in China, as people my age - especially in the smaller cities - don't really seem to be party animals like westerners are anyway.

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So here is my problem: The school recently hired a new FT. This 23-year-old from NYC. I said that I was extremely quiet. I really don't like confronting people and I do everything to avoid conflict. But I am having real problems with this guy taking over my life. And I mean taking over every second of it.

I think he's lonely. He has no one to talk to in this city, he doesn't speak much Chinese. He spends all the time he can clinging to me. I just can't tell him to go away: especially because it might create conflict at work, which is something I want to avoid at all costs.

Here are the problems:

1) I feel like I'm married to the guy. He's always inviting himself over to my apartment, or bugging me at the office: I've started smoking more and spending lunch away from work just so I have an excuse to not listen to him talk about how cool he is and how he has, like, a black belt or whatever. I know every detail of his entire life. The worst part is that he is so self-involved that he doesn't let me get a word in edgewise. I doubt he would recognize my voice. In spite of the amount of time he's spent around me.

2) He is a pervert. I'm from a small town so maybe I don't understand big-city ways, but I am really not interested in hearing about all the hookers he goes to see. Literal hookers, I mean. He think I will be impressed by how expensive they are, or by how adventurous he is being. He also, after having received his first paycheck still owes me 500 kuai from when he first moved here and was "starving". I guess I mistakenly thought he meant starving for food...

Or what he would do, in bed, to all the girls in the office. The fact that many of these girls are married, engaged or otherwise spoken for is sickening to me. Watching him flirt with every teenager who knows a few words of English (I'm sure you know the type: I try to avoid them like the plague, myself) makes me want to vomit. The fact that he has a Chinese girlfriend (in a different city) who he brags about cheating on and who he describes like a piece of meat make me want to hurt him. And when he talks to her on his phone he uses the most obnoxious pet names I have ever heard (typicall "my love", bracketing every word, and yelled at a volume not even the Chinese could match). I've never met someone so filthy and perverted, or anyone with so little respect for women, or anyone who treats their significant other that badly. Where I grew up a mob would have him waking up in a pool of his own blood. But I'm afraid to say a word because I don't really want to get in trouble at work.

He's the Charisma Man-type, too. I strongly suspect he entered China a virgin. Now that he actually has some (fifteen-year-old) girls paying him attention, it has made him an egomanaic.

In addition to finding it disgusting to be around him, I'm worried that some of his exploits might get him in trouble (like, with the school we work at, for example), and the way he clings to me might get me in trouble by association. To the locals, we're the two laowai who are always together....

3) He always talks about politics, Back in the old country I wasn't interested in politics and I'm certainly not here. I'm not worried about getting in trouble. I'm worried about keeping my insanity from the boredom. I'm not American and I have no interest in hearing his thoughts on obscure American political issues, especially regional ones (apparently the governor of his state at the mayor of his city blah blah blah). I also really don't care about Michael Moore, George Carlin, how much he hates religion (atheist myself, but it's not like anyone in China really pushes the bible on you, obviously, so I stoped thinking about it), or the commercialization of American culture.

4) He is the expert on everything, particularly things he has seen on TV.

I feel very snobby and petty here but: I spent a lot of time, effort and money (still paying off student loans) to study history in university. Before he knew what puberty was, I was practically living in libraries reading extremely boring medieval and early modern chronicles, and farm records and ledgers, so I could write countless boring papers for boring professors for nothing but smug liberal arts self-satisfaction.

I really don't need to hear his pet theories about the aspects of that period of history that he's heard of (Spanish Inquisition, Shakespeare, Crusades, Henry VIII). I do agree that organized religion is "totally bogus" and I sure haven't heard enough about the Crusades and Inquisition I guess but there's something really grating about hearing how Shakespeare couldn't have possibly written Hamlet because it was "too real" and Old Billy couldn't possibly know that much about life in aristocracy. He's pretty sure it was Francis Bacon but Pilate's jest drew a blank look and he doesn't seem to know who Ophelia is so I'm guessing it's just something he saw in a Michael Moore documentary or something.

There's nothing as obnoxious to me as someone who has never walked into a proper university - and who has possibly never read a book - talking down to me about something I dedicated more than half of my adult life to. At first I tried to humour him about it but when he started correcting me on the few occasions he allowed me to talk I pretty much decided to let him recite George Carlin's views on the Crusades uninterrupted

5) He kisses the boss's ass like I have never seen in my life ("you are so wise you should have been a Chinese empress" was the most recent). And when she's not around he talks like he's trying to start some mutiny against her. Not sure why, seeing as she is one of the kindest and most gentle people I have ever met. Something about getting told to show up half-an-hour early for work or something. I'm pretty sure this is is first full-time job and maybe he thinks that's unusual? He sure seems to think things like meetings and training are some kind of unusual and brutal burden unique to this job and this job alone.

I'm also worried about his two-faced nature (and his love of gossip) because I'm afraid if I tell him to leave me alone - no matter how polite - he'll start spreading rumours about me that, again, could get me in trouble with the Chinese staff...

6) He's constantly complaining and talking time off, which means I have to fill in. He's naive enough to think that telling me things like "I wasn't really sick I wanted to get laid" isn't going to bother me. This during my last day off I sat around from 10AM - 1 PM waiting for him to show up for what was supposed to be a quick ft meeting with the boss before he called and cancelled because of what he said was an emergency involving his girlfriend. He later told me his girlfriend was out of town and he just wanted to take a nap, to which I think he expected me to say "awesome." I have racked up some extreme overtime pay but honestly I need some time off work for something other than sleeping.

7) When he invites himself to my apartment, he stays till 3AM and insists on streaming heavy metal as loudly as my laptop speakers will play it. Not only do I hate heavy metal more than really anything except for him, but this apartment building is full of senior citizens (in addition to a couple families with young children) and I really don't want to be evicted for playing music I don't like at two thirty in the morning. I asked him to turn it down only for him to blast it a few minutes later because a song he liked came on. This might happen a dozen times a night.

Eight - "I hope to read and speak Chinese in two years because I want to move to Japan because I really like anime." He's been studying Chinese for an entire month and a half now and he already tries to correct me when I - for example - go to a store. My Chinese isn't great but he's oblivious to the fact that no one understands him whatsoever (he doesn't know "听不懂“ yet, in spite of hearing it every day a thousand times) whereas when I ask for a bottle of coke or a pack of smokes the clerks oblige me. Yeah, thanks for the "他要这个“ man I don't know how to say the brand name of the product I buy every day and my index fingers are crippled and useless I appreciate the help. He's also learned some Japanese after beginning his grueling studies last Tuesday (literally) like for example 'konnichi-wa' and 'arigatou' and the names of his favourite anime. Which brings me to the next one:

Him: "I was 'feeling out' (co-employee) and I think she's lying about speaking Japanese."

Me: "You know she's a Japanese major who lived in Japan? And who also learned near-perfect English in her spare time?"

Him: "Really? I didn't know that. Still I don't think she'd be much help I don't think her Japanese is that good."

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This person has turned my life from, pretty much, a perfect utopia, into a constant nightmare. I really don't want to let one person ruin an otherwise great thing, but seriously.

What do I do to get him away from me? He's texted me fifteen times while writing this and knocked on my apartment door, by the by. Surely, in a country with as few English speakers as China, something like this must have happened to someone. Any advice or similar experiences?

[c_redman]

Sounds like Homer Simpson and Ned Flanders.

If you're going to tell him to get lost, I would talk to your bosses first and tell them as much as you can. At the slightest offense, he sounds like the kind of guy who would lie about you either to cover himself or just to be mean, and it would be good to get your side in first.

[HashiriKata]

From what you wrote above, I guess you're heading for further trouble with this man, unless you act and let him have no illusion about what you want concerning him; and if he pushes beyond your power to stop it, request help from your employer. It doesn't look like you would lose anything by being firm and resolute with him, even if others may see that you two are in no great relationship with each other (Actually, it'd be in your interest if people see it this way).

I wish you courage and good luck!

[gato]

Just say that you are tired and needs to take a nap whenever he wants to hang out. Hopefully he'll get the message soon enough.

Or you could pretend to be gay....

[taylor04]

anyone who treats their significant other that badly

Are you sure thats how you want to word it?

[kdavid]

You can be gruff and straightforward without being rude. Sure, he may interpret it as you being an ass, but do you really care what he thinks?

If you don't want to text him, write, "Busy. See you at work tomorrow." Don't respond otherwise.

If he comes over and you don't want him in, tell him you're busy, working, or going to take a nap/bed for the night.

Buy an MP3 player. When you're at work and susceptible to his banter, plug in and shut him out.

People like this feed off attention and validation. He's getting enough attention from the Chinese. He's getting validation (or so he thinks) from you. If you cut him off as mentioned above, he may start looking elsewhere.

You could also try taking him out to a few bars and introducing him to others who he might have more in common with.

[HashiriKata]

You could also try taking him out to a few bars and introducing him to others who he might have more in common with.

No, you'd lead yourself deeper into the problem doing this. Just refuse to have anything to do with him when you can. Don't reply to his text messages, switch off the light and ignore him outside your door when he comes uninvited. Absolutely give him no chance to make you part of the problem!

[animal world]

Ah yes, just when you think you are in Paradise some jerk will show up to come and ruin it for you. I suppose that you have already tried to subtly get the message across to him but he's probably too dense and self-centered to understand anything. This is what i would do at this point:

1. Talk with a Chinese colleague on the staff and explain the situation and your feelings. Maybe do the same with your boss. This is to protect yourself when the jerk will turn on you (and he probably will once you dump him). Also tell them that all foreigners are not alike. Since they always see him hanging around you, they might assume the two of you are the best of friends. I suspect that they have already made an accurate assessment of this insecure, selfish and immature individual on their own.

2. Request a meeting with this jerk but NOT at your apartment. Do so in a public place but where it's quiet enough for a good conversation. Tell him politely that you came to China not to hang out with fellow expats but with Chinese people to learn their language and culture. Tell him that you have nothing in common with him, that you have vastly different personalities and interests, that you hate heavy metal music, dislike conversations about hookers and that you want privacy in your apartment and on your phone, etc, etc, etc. Wish him all the best in China (i don't believe it's going to end well for him ) and that you hope he will make many friends (he probably won't unless he manages to grow up fast).

3. Tell him to stop phoning you and visiting you in your apartment.

4. Tell him in a polite way that you're more than willing to help him when he's in a pinch and in need of advice about living in China or everyday things unfamiliar to him.

5. If at all possible, be firm but tactful. Be prepared that this jerk will blow up in anger since you are his only lifeline.

Please realize that most Americans are not like this jerk. Best of luck with this situation. Hope your China Adventure will be wonderful. Enjoy!

[pancake]

Some of the suggestions so far seem a bit passive-aggressive IMHO. Now, I understand that you're not the confrontational type but you do have to draw the line somewhere.

Personally, I'd tell him to get lost. If he shows up at your place uninvited, then simply point out to him how inappropriate his behaviour is. He is in the wrong here, not you, so you should not have to turn off your lights and pretend you're not home.

You should send the clear message that you don't want him in your life. It's like ripping of a bandaid, just get it over with and you will feel much better afterwards.

[pancake]

Thanks for the 4-page post though, it's certainly 15 minutes of my life well spent reading that.....

It's not like someone forced you at gunpoint to read it though? So you have no-one to blame but yourself.

Another approach that occurred to me is just to call the police on the guy. You'll avoid confrontation and do China a favour at the same time.

[YuehanHao]

As a person who perceives similar characteristics in himself (e.g., wishing to avoid confrontation), I can't help but feel moved by this situation. It shows clearly through the words that ciaocaio must be feeling a very high level of stress because the situation clearly demands action that is perceived as incompatible with ciaocaio's personality traits (but which I think ultimately is not). I wish I could volunteer to help deliver the message to this poor tormentor, but even if feasible, that would only deprive ciaocaio the opportunity to become more experienced in applying necessary life skills.

I think the key is what others have said, to transmit the feelings that came through so strongly in the post to this poor tormentor in a diplomatic and firm (even stubborn) way, but without showing excess resentment for what has passed. From the well-written post and other details, I do not think coming up with adequate words would be a big problem once the stress builds sufficient resolve to accomplish this task. Then, it's a matter of vigilance in continuing to apply the same level of assertiveness going forward; for example, when asking someone to turn down music or suggesting they leave (or not visit) your apartment. Requests of this sort can be posed as suggestions, but under the conditions ciaocaio laid out where the poor tormentor goes to such extremes, they at some point become thinly veiled imperatives, that if ignored, require prompt conflict and resolution to maintain a healthy equilibrium (if one exists) in the relationship, or which mandate termination of the relationship because an equilibrium does not exist (in this case, due to the extreme selfishness, arrogance, etc., of one of the parties).

(After possibly taking a few precautions suggested by others before) I would not be too concerned or afraid of things this poor tormentor might do in retaliation, such as spreading gossip or rumors, etc. So much depends on particulars, and it's true that inter-cultural barriers may inhibit perceptiveness to some degree, but generally, I would have faith that others (such as the boss who seems like a good person) are not completely blind to the character of people and will be able to sort out good from bad and right from wrong.

I regret if I put anything in a condescending way in this inconsequential note of mine. If it sounds that way, then it was only because I was too moved and became carried away or wanted sincerely to help but did not know the right way in which to do it. Best wishes,

约翰好

[Scoobyqueen]

The length of your post suggests you are very agitated about the whole situation and not addressing it is influencing your well-being and is probably causing you stress. You are focusing a lot on this guy (and probably seeking confirmation from others) at the expense of perhaps ignoring your own problem in the process.

You are obviously conflict-shy. This is your opportunity to overcome that. There will be other situations in life in which you will have to address a conflict. This could be your chance to practice.

[xifbk]

I agree, apart from obviously needing to stand up to the guy, you also need to tell your boss and some other people in the office to make sure you are not associated with this guy when the shit hits the fan (ie I told you so...)

[natra]

That sounds... awful.

[aroberts42]

that sounds...awful

Yeah...my heart goes out to you man. I think that talking to your boss might be a good way to go. I like the passive approach with just "I'm really too busy to hang out." You might ( and I know this sounds sneaky and extreme, but this is an extreme case) get a small recorder and get evidence of him bad-mouthing the boss or going to see hookers when he should be in a meeting. At least then the boss would know that it isn't just a personality conflict but that it is a real problem.

Question: does he live in your building? If he does, maybe you could file a complaint and get him moved further away from you. Maybe if you weren't quite so convenient it migh be easier to make him go away.

[jbradfor]

Wow ciaocaio, you are a total wuss. To call you a doormat is an insult to doormats.

You've been put in a bad position, that is true, but even before posting I think you know the answer to your problem: grow a backbone and a pair of balls.

[xifbk]

This guy tarnishes the reputation of all white people by behaving like that, for some Chinese, this sort of person is the only thing they know about white people. Be sure to do something about it either way!

[BrandeX]

Seriously dude, I blame you. Are you scared of this guy? Tell him to F___ off and be done with him. "Frankly I think your an idiot." works great.

"Grow a pair" as they say.

[Lu]

Like others have suggested, I'd advise you to politely but firmly tell (not ask, tell) him to leave. Get up, open the door, tell him you can't talk right now, and close the door behind him. Repeat whenever necessary.

Turning off the lights when he comes to your house is a bit much I think (and the next step would just be that he starts spying on you: I knew you were home!). When he comes to your house, you can open the door and tell him that you don't have time now/are busy (and you can be busy reading a book or watching tv, that's none of his business), and simply not let him in.

And yeah, talk to your boss, and/or to co-workers you get along with.

Good luck, it sounds like the worst kind of American and a shitty situation for you.

[animal world]

I stand by my previous post and think it's better to start off polite with him (which is probably more your natural style anyway). But be firm. I'd give him the benefit of the doubt. He comes across as a very insecure person which is why he feels this need to boast and put other people down, such as criticizing the Japanese of that other person. He's new to China and probably out of his depth and therefore clings to you but without wanting to appear so needy.

Stay away from nasty confrontation, if you can help it, because, after all, he is a colleague and one of few foreigners at your place of work. Only if he turns truly nasty and his actions become violent or take the form of harassment, should you consider to turn to the police or lodge a formal complaint at your school.

Again, i strongly recommend to have the big talk with him in a public place where he has to behave somewhat. At your apartment, he might smash your laptop in anger or something like that. Tell him that you never want to see him at your home again unless there is a true life-or-death type of emergency.

Good luck with this and let us hear how it all turns out. In any case, don't let this unpleasant individual rule your life and ruin your peace of mind.