Understanding my Chinese Wife and her Family

[prephil]

I've been married to my wife for over 3 years. She's Chinese and I'm Irish. We had our first child in August. Things have been a little fractious since then as things from her past and my own have surfaced as a result which is not too uncommon after having a baby I believe.

Just a bit of background on our marriage - I spent a year teaching English in Hebei province. We met in the same school and it was a long and complicated process before she finally accepted me as a possible husband and I'm fair glad she did. She's a fantastic wife and mother.

Anyway, I'm looking for advice on how to please my wife during this period (after the stress of giving birth and adapting in a foreign country). Obviously she is completely different from a Western woman. When I say please, I don't mean it in a false way. I guess I want to encourage her to be herself around others. She's extremely shy in other people's company and when she's with me and our daughter it's like she transforms into a beautiful flower as she laughs and sings and plays and is just so caring which is fantastic. How to get her out of her shell when we're in the company of others?

Also, her family is a major issue. They seem to dominate her life, not necessarily in a negative way. I guess me being a western person, I see family in a different light. I feel I am more independent whereas she listens to what they suggest her to do and feels very guilty if she doesn't carry out their suggestions to the letter of the law. For example, they want to buy us a house in China along with her siblings so we can all live close together which is something I don't particularly fancy. Obviously, I'm very greatful that they want to do such a thing but I don't like the idea that I would owe them a favour as such. Not sure if I should see this gesture in this light. Would like to have our own lives and make our own decisions and buy our own property etc. I know that if we were to live in close proximity to her family, I'd end up tearing my hair out. We had previously been sending them a lot of money and this caused a bit of friction between us in the past. Any suggestions or has anybody been in a similar predicament? Would love to hear from you.

Cheers.

[hunanfan]

Howdy.

My Chinese wife and I just returned to China after living 4 years in America. When we first moved there, she spoke very little English and had a little difficulty adjusting. But she found a couple good friends at church, and that made a lot of difference.

Instead of looking for her to "blossom" in front of every one, help her to find one or two good friends that accept her for her she is...maybe someone that understands the Chinese culture. Getting involved with a regular group of friends will also probably help.

As for her family, you're not the only one who has run into trouble. One friend of mine pretty much had his life inside China totally destroyed by his wife's family always wanting a bigger house or a better car, etc.

When we first married, her family started dropping things like "You need to buy her mother a house" on us. That's kind of hard for a foreigner making a teacher's salary. When our first child was born, my wife was torn by all the advice family gave, and the advice she received from western books (I told her to stop listening to everyone and raise the child the way she wanted, and that brought peace back into the house). Now that we have 3 kids and want a fourth, her family is asking if my family is pressuring us to have kids, not knowing that WE are the ones that want a large family and my family doesn't want us to have anymore. Then they say stuff like, "You should abort it if you get pregnant again."

We've been in my wife's hometown for the past 2.5 months, and will be here for another few weeks, but as much as she loves her family, she's ready to get far away from them (to a distant part of China).

Basically, if your wife's family is anything like my wife's family, they are not going to understand you or the decisions you make. They may criticize you or your wife. Just ignore them the best you can, and try and keep the peace.

Hope that helps some.

[Yang Rui]

I don't know your wife, or what you guys are like together, but it's possible that you need to fuss over her even more than you are doing. In China, when a woman has a baby, the whole family descends on her to an extent that women who've grown up in Ireland might find suffocating. As an example, I have a good friend who is American and married to a Chinese woman. Her family are from the northeast of China, and my friend and his wife live in Shanghai. A few months before his wife gave birth, his mother-in-law and sister-in-law went down to Shanghai and moved in with them. The mother busied herself with making nutritious soups and other food to strengthen up the mother-to-be. The sister did housework. Following the birth, my friend's wife had to undergo a period of confinement where she was not allowed out of the house for a month. All the time, the family is fussing around, making all the 'right' kinds of food for the new mother etc. If that had happened to me, I'd be going insane by now, but that is pretty normal in China. You could try to find out what foods/potions etc she believes she should be eating, go out and get them, and try to help her make them. In the developed world, all this sort of stuff has gone out of fashion as the mortality rate of children and new mothers has dropped right off, but in China it's still a big thing.

On the family issue, there's a good chance that since giving birth your wife will have been missing her family even more because it's traditionally a time when family would have been all around her. Plus we have just had Chinese New Year, which will have made her miss her family even more. There's a line from a Chinese poem, 獨在異鄉為異客，每逢佳節倍思親 （dú zài yì xiāng wéi yì kè, měi féng jiā jié bèi sī qīn) which translates roughly as "alone as a stranger in a foreign land, at every festival i miss my family more". Of course, she's not alone, and you're her family too, but if she has a close, traditional family, she's likely to be feeling it.

On the question of moving into a house bought by her parents etc, I definitely sympathise. It doesn't sound like an option., and it's possible that they're just saying this because they want to make a show of being welcoming and generous, without actually expecting you to do it. But again, your wife will feel a heavy burden of responsibility to them. In the same way that it would be impossible to imagine leaving your child alone to fend for his/her self, it would be impossible for her to imagine leaving her parents to fend for themselves in their retirement. In Chinese law, failing to support one's parents when one is able to do so is just as illegal as neglect of one's child. I know other couples where one is Chinese and one is foreign, and it has often been a subject of arguments between them when the Chinese half wants to send money back home. You're probably just going to have to accept that you will need to do this, especially if you're not going to go and live next door to them. Your wife's family seems quite traditional, so it might be understandable to them that, as the man, you will decide where you and your wife live (even if, in reality, it's a decision you take together) and the best they can hope for is regular visits and a flow of cash.

[gougou]

It's great that you're thinking about how to make your relationship better, but don't try to please her like the Americans are pleasing Afghanistan*, by imposing your values onto her. If she is shy, accept her for her shyness - not everybody feels better being outgoing. On the contrary, you could appreciate that she is willing to show you so much more of herself than to others.

* Apologies for this can of worms to everybody who feels offended by it

[XiaoXi]

I feel like I'm joining a self help group. My name's Simon and I've been married to a Chinese girl for 4 years now. The biggest problem in our marriage? Her family. They're nice enough but they're way too interfering and my wife has to obey them to the letter. We have a 2 year old daughter and my wife's parents act like _they're_ our daughter's parents and should make all the decisions on how to treat her and bring her up. The situation is complicated further in that her parents are actually divorced (relatively rare in China) and her dad has remarried so we have a step mum to add complication to the mix. Well as you can imagine, I could go on and on but I think you get the picture.

Edited February 19, 2010 at 03:11 PM by XiaoXi

[prephil]

Ho people,

I feel that if I paid a psychiatrist or someone who is an expert on relationships/marriages between Chinese and foreigners €100 a session I wouldn't get as good advice as the advice you have all given me. I really really appreciate it all. So much so that I'ld like to reply to you all so I'll do my best.

God bless you all.

[prephil]

Howdy.

My Chinese wife and I just returned to China after living 4 years in America. When we first moved there, she spoke very little English and had a little difficulty adjusting. But she found a couple good friends at church, and that made a lot of difference.

Howdy yourself,

Yours is a very interesting story and I must admit I’m fascinated by it. There seems to be a lot of parallels between my relationship with my wife and your relationship with yours. Hope you don’t mind me saying that. First of all, congrats on 4 years of marriage and 3 children and a fourth pending. It’s great to see a family who wants to have more children. I would like to follow your lead.

One quick question. Do you speak Chinese? If not how did you fall in love with your wife if she only had a little English. I’m fascinated by this. My wife worked in the English language school I was working in and that’s how we met. Her English was ok. It has improved a lot since she moved here but she had real difficulty getting used to the Irish accent and the quick speaking so maybe that’s what you mean about your wife’s English? Similar to your own wife, she also made friends through the church. I’m a Catholic and I encouraged her to join the church (I didn’t force anything on her though – I guess she saw me going to church and praying so she liked it) and eventually we found out about a Chinese priest who has since gone on to become Chaplin to the Chinese community here in Dublin and we’ve met lots of other like minded Chinese people (at least when it comes to their faith) which is great. That has made a difference also.

I think that’s a really good idea to find one or two good friends. In fact I’ve gone to our daughters Godmother who is Chinese and around the same age as my wife (28) and I’ve told her about my predicament. She likes my wife a lot and they both get on well so she said she will try to get Li Dan out of her shell by visiting her more often and maybe doing a few girlie things like shopping and stuff like that. Only problem is my wife gets very jealous of other girls very very easily (even her own sisters) as she thinks I’m going to develop a relationship with them. We’ve since agreed to see a counsellor over this issue. A lot of things have surfaced from that past recently and I figure they have a hand to play as to why she has developed a personality like this. But hopefully, through discussion and action we can overcome this together.

As to her family, that’s a tricky matter. I’m going to show her these posts and see what she thinks. I really don’t want to get to the point where I’m dreading visiting her family for fear of suffocation by lack of freedom. That would really drive me mad. I really don’t like that abortion threat you mentioned as I’m pro-life. That would hurt me a lot if someone told me that. Families can be hard to deal with at times. I would like to have a large family but I’ll leave that up to the good Lord above. At the same time, I think my wife’s family are understanding. I think the fact that I’m just not used to the power or should I say the strength of family unity. Some of it can be good but there is a negative aspect to it also.

Anyway, I’m sure I’m boring you at this stage. Once again, thank you for your advice. Can I ask you one last question? What part of China are you living in and is it teaching you do? I hope to learn the language and work as an engineer which is what I am or was doing here until the recession hit us.

I don't know your wife, or what you guys are like together, but it's possible that you need to fuss over her even more than you are doing.

Yes I agree with you that I should fuss over her even more. I have definitely slacked off in that area so I need to put in a bit more effort. She’s definitely the sort of person who gets great satisfaction out of being fussed over. But not major fussing, just the small things like making a hot bath for her, getting her a small gift, giving her back a rub or just telling her how much I love her. Any ideas yourself? For Valentine’s I cut out hearts and wrote 16 reasons why I love her. She was delighted with that.

Funny you should mention about the family descending on the mother after a baby is born. We had my wife’s sister over one month before our daughter was born and she stayed for 2 months after. It was great for the first few weeks as I didn’t have to do any cooking or cleaning but I wasn’t allowed near the kitchen when I tried and anytime I tried to wash the dishes I’d be shooed away. In the end I found it really irritating as I was getting very little activity time with our daughter – she kinda took over that area as well. I can imagine what it would be like for a whole family to be fussing over her. I’d go mad I rekon. I know the whole story about the special types of food she had to eat before and after and not being allowed to touch cold water and having to stay in bed. Think some of it is a bit silly to be honest but I guess they’ve been doing it for a few thousand years and it’s hard to break tradition.

My wife is very traditional in that she is completely devoted to her family. So she does miss them a lot. Seems to feel guilty that she can’t do more for them. Financially they weren’t in great condition and for the past 2 years we’d sent them about €20,000 which basically left us with nothing left over. This caused a lot of friction between the two of us but I guess if I was in that situation I wouldn’t mind getting a hand from my family but I’d never want my own children feeling as guilty as my wife. I find it irritating that they can’t look after themselves. Anyway, they’re doing well now. They do business and got a lucky break recently hence they want to buy us a house. I’m just not comfortable with the idea of someone else buying me things and me kinda of “owing” them a favour. My wife tells me it’s not like this but I find that hard to believe. I’m not sure if they expect me to say no or if it a genuine offer. Regardless I’d prefer if we do our own thing. Sometimes I can’t make out what they’re thinking. The whole “face” thing is confusing.

It's great that you're thinking about how to make your relationship better, but don't try to please her like the Americans are pleasing Afghanistan*, by imposing your values onto her. If she is shy, accept her for her shyness - not everybody feels better being outgoing. On the contrary, you could appreciate that she is willing to show you so much more of herself than to others.

Yes I agree with you. I don’t want to impose anything on her. I didn’t impose the whole spiritual scene on her. She took to that herself but I guess I have imposed some things that I would consider minor but which in fact might be major to her. I guess I should just ask her.

I do appreciate that she opens up to me but I feel that people look up to her (she’s married to a foreigner and has a baby – sounds cheesy but I know Chinese respect that) and that she can be a greater influence on them in a positive way if she were to come out of her shell. Consider a flower which never blooms. Do we get a chance to appreciate its beauty. No we don’t. If she doesn’t bloom she won’t have the effect I know she can have on others. But easy does it and as per Hunanfan’s advice, it’s probably better to encourage her to make one or two good friends before branching out.

I feel like I'm joining a self help group. My name's Simon and I've been married to a Chinese girl for 4 years now. The biggest problem in our marriage? Her family. They're nice enough but they're way too interfering and my wife has to obey them to the letter. We have a 2 year old daughter and my wife's parents act like _they're_ our daughter's parents and should make all the decisions on how to treat her and bring her up. The situation is complicated further in that her parents are actually divorced (relatively rare in China) and her dad has remarried so we have a step mum to add complication to the mix. Well as you can imagine, I could go on and on but I think you get the picture.

That sounds complicated. I’m glad I’m not in that predicament. I would hope that my wife’s family don’t interfere too much. We’re going back to China for a holiday in May. I’m going to stay for about 2 weeks but I’ve encouraged my wife to stay on for a few weeks extra with our daughter as she hasn’t been home for 2 years. I guess I’ll be able to gauge what it will be like by those two weeks. If I don’t get a look in with our daughter I know there could be trouble up the line.

Quick question – every male smokes in China. I don’t want anybody smoking in the same room or even in the same area as my daughter. Don’t want her passive smoking. Will I be considered rude if I bring up this topic when we go back? For example, my wife’s father chain smokes even when we’re eating together. When we go out for dinner, which is usually to impress some family friend as I’m a foreigner, there’s loads of smoking. Will they be understanding enough to realise that smoking is very bad for children I wonder?

Not sure if I can give you any advice. Just sounds very complicated. Where are you from Simon and what part of China are you living in out of curiosity?

Edited February 19, 2010 at 10:32 PM by imron
merged adjacent posts, and added quote tags.

[xianhua]

One of the themes in this discussion seems to relate to the relationship between Chinese grandparents and grandchildren which I'd like to dwell on a little if I may. It's an aspect which definitely differs from the traditional approach here. I've yet to meet a Chinese person in the UK who has not enlisted the help of their parents to come over (for 6 months or longer) once the child is born. So much so, when a Chinese friend/friend's partner is pregnant, my second question after when is it due is, when's your mother/mother-in-law coming over?

On our last trip to China, I almost felt like our daughter had been taken away from us, and I was very relieved to get back to the UK when I could 'reclaim' her as mine. It felt at times like the father is simply an accessory and the grandparents claim the central childcare role. This contrasts with my role here, where I'm very much a hands-on father and deliberately chose a career where I knew I could enjoy flexible working with minimal stress (and maximum time as a family man).

My wife has come to appreciate the way of hands-on parenting here. At times she feels stressed by the long hours she looks after our child, but then has come to appreciate the fact that my own mother will not intefere in the raising of our child.

The 'parents instead of grandparents looking after children' approach, seemed to win a few fans on our last trip to China. Two sets of friends stated that if they had more children, they would endeavour to raise the child on their own next time. I think they saw how our child was better behaved than theirs had been at the same age, and put this down to spending less time with grandparents (I can't say if that's true or not but grandparents are always more likely to spoil a child in my opinion).

[xianhua]

Don’t want her passive smoking. Will I be considered rude if I bring up this topic when we go back?

Not at all. I had to do this a few times on our last visit there, and quite frankly, I didn't care a jot about what anyone thought of me. I'd just pick her up and leave the dining room when they started.

[imron]

Will they be understanding enough to realise that smoking is very bad for children I wonder?

Generally speaking, probably not.

I really don’t want to get to the point where I’m dreading visiting her family for fear of suffocation by lack of freedom.

Regarding this, I think the best bit of advice so far has come from hunanfan:

I told her to stop listening to everyone and raise the child the way she wanted,

Just ignore them the best you can, and try and keep the peace.

Of course this doesn't mean ignore them completely, but just that sometimes when they are giving you all sorts of advice, you just need to nod your head, smile and agree. Then when that's over, you can go and do your own thing regardless. Oftentimes, a lot of advice and fussing is in some ways just a form of expressing their care and concern, you don't need to take it too seriously or too personally. Learning to do this is key to reducing stress and friction.

I’m just not comfortable with the idea of someone else buying me things and me kinda of “owing” them a favour. My wife tells me it’s not like this but I find that hard to believe.

It's not so much owing a favour, but Chinese extended families tend to function much more as single financial unit than western families do, and for better or worse, you are now a part of that. This means that you have an obligation towards the family unit, but that likewise the family unit also has obligations towards you. You can try to fight that, or you can try to accept it, but it's always going to be a part of your life. What goes around comes around though, and things tend to all even out in the wash - one way of looking at it, is that €20,000 is pretty cheap for a house.

[smalldog]

Wow, it's interesting and kind of comforting to see how common these issues are. My (Chinese) wife and I have been together for over 5 years and are confronting the same problems, especially over the last few months as we expect our first baby. Here's how we've been dealing with some of these issues.

1) Where to live. I've lived in China for over 4 years and our original plan was to stay there, but for various reasons decided to leave (including the difficulties of being a foreigner in China, career prospects for both of us, and our general dislike of smoking, pollution, corruption, inefficiency, etc). We spent the best part of a year in the UK but didn't really feel settled and my wife certainly missed home. I expect we would have adapted, but anyway I found a job in Singapore and we've found this to be the perfect place for both of us, combining the best aspects of both countries and being a just a short flight from China. I strongly recommend that couples in a similar situation look into living in Singapore (or Hong Kong).

2) Sending money to parents. Over the new year I asked my 6-year-old niece what she wanted to do when she grew up, and her reply was to "make lots of money to give to her parents." This idea is deeply ingrained into Chinese culture, and given the enormous sacrifices many parents make it for their children it is certainly an admirable one. Early in our marriage my wife was always wanting me to give money to her parents, but over time we've learned to be realistic about what they actually need to live a comfortable life rather than simply giving because it's expected. Also, I've encouraged my wife in her career so that now she earns enough to send to her parents as well as contribute to our joint needs. I tell her that if her parents made so many sacrifices for her to get an education then she needs to use that education to help repay her parents instead of relying on me.

3) Having a baby. When we found out we were having a baby, my in-laws immediately said they would come and stay until the baby is four years old, while my mother claimed that a four-day visit from her mother was plenty. We've come to the agreement that, as hunanfan suggested, we need to avoid listening to our parents or assuming that what is done in either culture is right, but to get information from reliable sources and make our own decisions. The current plan is for the in-laws to come for three months -- two before the birth and one after -- but for the purpose of accompanying my wife and cooking her favourite foods, not to be the baby's primary carers.

4) Passive smoking. It really annoys me that pregnant women in China are restricted by all sorts of superstitious beliefs about good and bad foods, radiation from computers and cellphones, and so on... yet are expected to sit through social activities in smoke-filled rooms. Anyway, my wife feels strongly about this too, and on our last visit to China she would either ask people not to smoke or we would leave the room.

5) Communication and understanding. I think it really helps that we are pretty fluent in each others' languages, have an interest in each others' cultures and are able to question the beliefs of our own cultures. The best way for us to deal with a problem is not to fall back on cultural tradition but to find our own solution. Recently we've been watching the TV series 蜗居 (Dwelling Narrowness) which realistically presents many of the problems faced my modern-day urban Chinese, including the issues of financial responsibilities within families and having grandparents raise children. Watching this has been a helpful reminder that many of our problems are not "Chinese vs foreign" in nature but are just part of modern life.

[hunanfan]

Hello again.

Hope you don’t mind me saying that. First of all, congrats on 4 years of marriage and 3 children and a fourth pending. It’s great to see a family who wants to have more children. I would like to follow your lead.

We are about to celebrate our 8th anniversary. We lived 4 years in China before living 4 years in the States. We've been back in China since the beginning of December.

If your Chinese family is anything like mine, they will not understand your desire to have more than one or two children (after all, "they're so much trouble"). Just make sure that your wife truly wants a large family. If she does, just try to "convert" her parents and not the whole family.

We have 3 boys, so we've had a cousin ask us to give them one of our boys in exchange for his daughter (which he doesn't want, even though she's a great, talented kid). Grandma has suggested that we give her one, even though she can barely take care of herself.

There's been mention about family coming to help out when a child is born. Our first two were born in China, and her mom came to help both times. The first time, her mom would tell her, "Do it this way. You need to do this. You can't do that." Fortunately, my wife was more western in thought even before we met, so there was none of that stay at home for a month and don't wash or brush your teeth stuff. When the baby was two weeks old, we took him out for a walk (we had to get out of the house). There were some arguments between mom and daughter about how to care for the baby, but we did it our way, and the baby was sleeping through the night at 6 weeks.

Our third was born at a birthing center with a midwife in the States, and my wife was showering and walking shortly after the birth, which amazed me and my family. It would probably have put her family into shock.

My wife has said that she will never give birth in her hometown because she couldn't deal with all of the family help. To be honest, she'd probably kill somebody.

One quick question. Do you speak Chinese? If not how did you fall in love with your wife if she only had a little English.

She was one of my Chinese teachers. The head teacher said, "When the new teachers come, practice your Chinese with them." That was 10 years ago, and I'm still practicing. (I lived in China for 7 years before returning to the States.)

Having lived 4 years in the States with pretty much only English-speaking family and friends, her English took off.

... eventually we found out about a Chinese priest who has since gone on to become Chaplin to the Chinese community here in Dublin and we’ve met lots of other like minded Chinese people (at least when it comes to their faith) which is great. That has made a difference also.

Church probably made the greatest impact on her in the States. It's where she found her best friend (an American-born Taiwanese), who can't really speak Chinese, but at least understands the culture, and has 4 kids. But she also made friends with others who knew nothing about the Chinese culture.

It was also at church that she saw a different lifestyle, and that made a difference in helping her to be open to others as well as our relationship.

Only problem is my wife gets very jealous of other girls very very easily (even her own sisters) as she thinks I’m going to develop a relationship with them.

Oh...you just brought up a biggie!

My wife used to be big-time jealous. Ever since we were first married, whenever she'd get angry with me, she would yell "Let's just get a divorce," and tell me to go find another woman, or she would accuse me of cheating on her with whoever was available, including our housekeeper who was 20 years older than me.

I never could figure out why she would say stuff like that until I learned more about her past. Every man in her family has had a mistress: her dad, her grandfather, all of her uncles, her cousins. She just assumed that I was going to find me a girl on the side. I went into the marriage totally oblivious to this baggage she was carrying, not knowing that she didn't trust me for the simple fact that I was a guy.

And she could never understand that in my mind I was stuck to her whether I liked it or not (Christian thought). It has only been in the last couple of years, having lived in America, seeing how truly Christian couples live, and how my parents have been married for 45 years or so and still love each other (the uncles and aunts in her family can barely stand each other), that she has come to understand that maybe when I married her, I was saying it was for life.

We’ve since agreed to see a counsellor over this issue. A lot of things have surfaced from that past recently and I figure they have a hand to play as to why she has developed a personality like this. But hopefully, through discussion and action we can overcome this together.

I hope you're able to work through it.

Can I ask you one last question? What part of China are you living in and is it teaching you do? I hope to learn the language and work as an engineer which is what I am or was doing here until the recession hit us.

We are presently in Hunan, but will be moving north in March or April. Right now, I have an American-based work-at-home job, so am able to stay in China on an L visa.

Quick question – every male smokes in China. I don’t want anybody smoking in the same room or even in the same area as my daughter. Don’t want her passive smoking. Will I be considered rude if I bring up this topic when we go back? Will they be understanding enough to realise that smoking is very bad for children I wonder?

One of my wife's uncles hates visiting us because he's not allowed to smoke in our apartment. If the house/restaurant is big enough, I'm learning to deal with second-hand smoke. In small places where the smoke lingers, I usually ask them not to smoke or take the kids out.

Here's a great story: A few weeks ago we were out with some of my wife's old classmates (all guys and their wives). One of them lit up, and his wife told him, "Go outside. There are children here." After he went outside, she told us that she won't let him smoke around their daughter, and when their daughter finds him smoking in the house, she tells him, "Stop smoking. Mama's gonna be mad at you." I loved it! Maybe there's hope for China yet!

I really can't understand why her uncles (and aunt!) continue to smoke. Smoking has killed their dad and two of their brothers (including my wife's dad), yet they continue to smoke as though they're impervious to its effects.

[prephil]

1) Where to live. I totally agree with you on the pollution side of things. I wonder are there any clean cities where the air is actually breathable and where your nose doesn’t get clogged up with dirt and your throat swells or is it only like that in the mountains? The inefficiency is one thing that really drives me mad. For example, setting up a bank account took me about 3 hours one time. Exchanging currency is another ordeal that I’m not too keen on doing. Basically, anything that involves me and a bank is going to be very time consuming. Why is it that everything is done on paper and one person needs to go to their boss and that boss needs to go to another boss all the while the foreigner gets dirty looks as if they have just murdered somebody? Then on the other hand, if you want to get something photocopied or printed there are a million of these shops around or if you want to get a key cut you’re guaranteed that on a busy street corner you’ll find someone whose job is to cut keys. It’s absolutely and insanely mad. I have heard a little about Singapore. Sounds like a lovely place. Great blend of Asian cultures I believe. Hope to visit there someday.

2) Sending money to parents. I know all about this one. I taught English in a teaching college. All the students were about 18-20 years old and to me their collective goal was to get a good job so they could pay back their parents for everything they had done for them. At first I thought this was a really nice thing to hear but after about 6 months of the same story from every student, i.e. I feel guilty because I’m not doing enough for my family, sad faces, more guilt trips, I ended up getting fed up of hearing it. How can they help their family when their in college? If they concentrated on looking after themselves first and building on that they might be able to please their families. I guess getting up at 6 am every morning and waiting for a security guard to open a gate when you want to go for lunch would beat the optimism out of you fairly quickly. Mental hours they put into their study. Good point in terms of what her parents need to live comfortably

3) Having a baby. My wife’s parents suggested they look after the baby as we would be too busy with work. We almost fell into this trap but thank God my family talked me out of it. It’s amazing how persuasive Chinese can be although what with the propaganda that has gone on there for the last 50 years they must be masters at this stage. My wife’s sister came over (originally my wife wanted her parents to come over but I think I would have lost the plot. One of my friends who is married to a Chinese woman who is quite bossy has had her mother here for about a year. Don’t think he gets much say in the raising of his kids but doesn’t seem to bother him. I couldn’t put up with that though) 1 month before the birth which was good timing. In the end I was delighted she was gone as I was practically banned for from the kitchen and sometimes she refuted my suggestions which really irritated me. I think it’s nearly more important for a family member to be there a little longer after the birth as Chinese mothers will stay in bed for a month. After that, they get up and about but very gradually. There would be a lot of work dumped on you if your in-laws leave the month after the birth as your wife will just be coming around. Best of luck with that anyway.

4) Passive smoking. This is a point of debate I’ll be bringing up with my wife shortly before going to China for holidays. I’ve spoken to her about it already that I will not tolerate people smoking around our daughter. She has assured me this will not happen but I sincerely doubt that. I remember one time while we were on holidays we visited my wife’s aunt. She was recovering from a stomach operation and there was her husband sitting on the bed beside her smoking away. I couldn’t comprehend it. Is it a lack of knowledge on the effects of passive smoking or are they just plain silly?

5) Communication and understanding. This is probably a sticking point in our own relationship. My Chinese is very basic. My wife’s English is good but she misinterprets a lot of things. This leads to a lot of arguments when all that was wrong was that there was a slight misunderstanding on mine or her part. Then again, a lot is to do with the culture. We can’t seem to agree on certain things such as issues to do with our families.

I’m trying to watch that drama online. Can you recommend any website on which I can watch it?

Can find it on viik but it won't play. Do I have to pay to watch it or do I just register on the site?

[chrix]

prephil, please ask questions about the show on this thread here.

[Sichuan]

Hi Prephil,

You're right, the situation you described is not uncommon. Something that no one has mentioned yet, and it might give you a different perspective on the situation...is postpartum depression. My Chinese wife had the "baby blues" after our first born, and like you two, we were outside China. So not only was she adapting to a whole new country, but she had all these changes going on in her body chemistry all the time.

The great news, Prephil, is that it's temporary. She will return back to normal, and probably you're already starting to see signs that she's cheering up. Understand that some of these unrelated 'issues' may seem bigger than they really are just of the transitions that she's going through after childbirth.

As for helping her get out of her shell - the best thing that happened to my wife was when she joined a local ESL class. Most of the students were Chinese and she made all kinds of Chinese friends. That really helped. Even if your wife's English is already perfectly fine, it might be an easy way to find some nearby Chinese friends. It worked for us, maybe it would help you too...

Good luck!

Sichuan

Edited February 22, 2010 at 07:57 AM by imron
signatures should go in your signature, not inline

[clevermae]

It's so nice to hear you guys talking about your Chinese wives. It's so enlightening to listen to your stories, especially when it comes to how you reconcile your differences. Western culture and Eastern culture are so different and even opposites, and sometimes it takes a lot to get synchronized. I admire foreign/Chinese couples who have surpassed the challenges of two clashing cultures.

[prephil]

We are about to celebrate our 8th anniversary. We lived 4 years in China before living 4 years in the States. We've been back in China since the beginning of December.

Wowee 8 years, that’s fantastic. Congratulations. I bet you’re still learning something new everyday about your wife after all this time. Even though I have been fairly critical of my wife’s family, I think I could be doing a lot worse. They are fairly nice in fairness to them. I don’t think they would mind how many children we would have as long as my wife was happy to have them. They had four girls themselves (I suppose they wanted a boy). Will take your advice on just converting her parents but we haven’t got to that stage yet. Just the one baby for now but I’d like to have a few more and so would my wife. What is it like to have the second child?

That’s absolutely insane for a family member to ask about the possibility of a shild swap. I guess that just goes to show how much importance they associate with male children. I guess your family must be the envy of the whole village/town where your wife comes from. Do you bring up your kids in English and Chinese? Well, I suppose you do, seeing as you both speak the language. With our daughter I speak English olny to her and my wife communicates with her in Chinese. Have heard that kids pick up languages really quickly so we hope to have her fluent in both.

That is amazing that your wife was walking so quickly after the 3rd child. I was present at the birth and it’s a massive effort from the minute they go into labor. What a day. I’ll never forget it. Actually, what are the maternity hospitals/birth centres like in China? Are they of good standard? Moving on, my wife had to be induced at 7:30 in the morning and she started getting the contractions about 2 hours later and she went into labor at about 7:30 pm so it was tough going the whole day. Finally, our daughter was born at 9:13pm. It was a massive final push. I was always of the opinion that there couldn’t be too much to giving birth. I suppose I’d been fooled by what I’d seen on tv shows. Quite the opposite so I can kinda empathise with mothers who take a good rest after giving birth but as you say, the whole thing about not showering or brushing your teeth is a bit stone age.

She was one of my Chinese teachers.

What brought you to china in the first place? Did you go out to specifically study Chinese?

Church probably made the greatest impact on her in the States.

True, the church is a great place to meet people – and honest decent people at that. Li Dan has met a lot of people through the church but most of them are elderly as unfortunately that seems to be the way the population of the local church has gone. The Chinese mass that we attend has more young people than old but she hasn’t really made too many friends there. We’ve been discussing this recently and she’s afraid to open up to anybody. I visited a our daughter’s Godmother last week and told her of my predicament and she said she will try to get my wife out and about more. They met up this evening and I had told my wife in advance that this meeting didn’t mean that I wanted to have a relationship with this girl. It wasn’t even me who arranged it. Anyway, thought all things would go smoothly. On arriving home, my wife told me she opened up a lot to this girl (not much I thought but I suppose a lot for her seeing as she doesn’t know her very well) and by her opening up she let her new “friend” see her weaknesses. How she made this out I’m not sure, from what I could gether they only talked about activities they both enjoyed and how they got on with their family members and a few trivial things but I guess for her these are intimate things. Anyway, by exposing these weaknesses to others she’s afraid that I will see others who don’t have these weaknesses and want to develop a relationship with them. It drives me mad but I just tried to remain calm. Here I am trying to get her out and make friends and she accuses me on this. Very frustrating. I guess she needs to take it one step at a time. I told her that being open with others is a good thing. You don’t need to tell them your life story but at least get past the “hello, how are you” stage which is about as far as she usually gets.

My wife used to be big-time jealous.

Yes, another thing that I’m kinda familiar with. I learned some shocking things about my wife’s past recently that have involved men but I’d better not elaborate on it. Also, my wife’s father had an affair or so I believe. Never got the full story from my wife but I guess she has it in her mindset that all men have this weakness, including myself, and nothing I say or do can convince her otherwise. We are going to see a counsellor shortly about the whole problem. This is a real stickler in our marriage and I just hope we can get over it.

We are presently in Hunan.

I believe Hunan is one of the nicer provinces? What’s your view?

One of my wife's uncles hates visiting us because he's not allowed to smoke in our apartment.

That’s gas. That might be the start of a revolution which I’m sure there will be a crackdown on if it gathers pace. My father-in-law smokes like a trooper as well and nothing would stop him. He even boasts that if he was on his sickbed and about to die he’d smoke another cigarette. Crazy. I suppose when cigarettes are so cheap there isn’t much incentive to stop.

[hunanfan]

What is it like to have the second child?

We love it. Now that we have 3, it's easier to think more.

Do you bring up your kids in English and Chinese?

I wish. Our oldest spoke mostly Chinese when we moved to America. He understands more than the other two, but doesn't speak much now.

When we moved to the States, my wife focused on learning English, and practiced on the boys. I tried to get her to speak primarily in Chinese to them, but she ignored me. The boys are now learning some because all of their cousins (children of my wife's cousins) only speak Chinese.

Actually, what are the maternity hospitals/birth centres like in China? Are they of good standard?

Our first one was born in a medium-sized town in Henan, at the women's hospital, the place where everyone goes to have a baby. The rooms in the maternity ward were on the second floor and the delivery room was on the first floor of another building. There was no elevator, so whenever it was time to give birth, all the waiting and new dads would carry some strange lady down the stairs and put her stretcher on a gurney.

Dads are not allowed in the delivery room, and all I heard was my wife screaming for her life (one of the nurses hurt her accidentally).

After the birth, they were taken back upstairs, and because of the injury she had to stay in the hospital for a week, in a bare room with two beds, and a squat toilet at the end of the hall.

Otherwise, not a good experience.

The second birth was in Changsha at a hospital connected to a university. Dads still were not allowed in the delivery room, but at least the maternity ward was all contained on one floor of the same building.

The first stop is the prep room, where there were 5 or 6 beds with in-labor mommies on them, and their families surrounding them. One thing that impressed us is that one of the student nurses came in and massaged my wife's stomach, and told her how to breathe, and not yell, etc.

There was still some screaming in the delivery room, but not nearly as much as the first time.

Our third birth was at a birthing center in the USA. I was right beside her, and there was no screaming. The midwife and her assistant were amazed at how peaceful and calm the delivery was.

Any future births, even in China, will be with a midwife...if we can find one...preferably western!

What brought you to china in the first place? Did you go out to specifically study Chinese?

I worked at an orphanage, and took Chinese classes.

[gato]

When we moved to the States, my wife focused on learning English, and practiced on the boys. I tried to get her to speak primarily in Chinese to them, but she ignored me.

This is getting off the subject, but there's a risk of your kids acquiring your wife's Chinese accent when speaking English if they keep speaking English with your wife. I know some ABCs (American Born Chinese) who speak Chinese-accented English. It'd be better both for your kids' English and Chinese if your wife spoke more to them in Chinese.

[yonglin]

I know some ABCs (American Born Chinese) who speak Chinese-accented English.

I would be very surprised if the Chinese accent was acquired from the parents. Was the person in question surrounded mainly by Chinese people, in general (friends, school, etc.)? It's not unheard of that people with no accent "adopt" a foreign accent to fit into their social group. Adding to the anecdotal evidence, I know a number of people whose parents both speak very heavily accented (and occasionally grammatically incorrect) English, but have no accent whatsoever themselves.

There are many reasons to raise your kids bilingually, but I don't think this is one.