study in china without your spouse?

[taijiphoenix]

Hello,

I was wondering if anyone here has went to study in china without their spouse for an extended period of time? I would like to spend a year in china studying the language and culture, but I am married and my husband doesn't exactly feel the same way I do about china. I wish I had the oppurtunity to do this before I was married but it just didn't work out that way. He says that he would be ok with me spending a year there, and would even plan some visits, although he would miss me very much. So my question to those of you who have been in this situation, how did you manage the strain that this sort of thing would obviously put on a marraige, how long were you away and what challenges did you encounter?

Thanks,

Taijiphoenix

[xiaotao]

When we didn't have kids, I went on a 3 week China vacation with my husband's blessing. I felt a little guilty having all that fun knowing that he was working. I would have loved to have gone every year if I could, but along came my baby. I have always loved Chinese and wanted my kids to learn Chinese. It's been a few years, now I look forward to us all going on a fun China Taiwan vacation and if all things go well, summer school in Taiwan for my kids. Of course I'll be going with them while hubby stays home with the dog. He's 100% supportive. They have been Chinese studying since they were 3. Even though I haven't taken a Chinese class since they were born, my Chinese has definitely improved. I have a room that is just dedicated to Chinese books and videos.

Will studying Chinese in China increase your earning potential? If he doesn't understand your passion and it will not increase your earning potential, then I would stay home with him and find other ways to study Chinese. I think one year is way to long, out of sight, out of mind.

[jbradfor]

xiaotao brings up a good point. Does it have to be for a full year? Would starting with, say, 2-3 months, work for you? You can learn a lot in 2-3 months, it will give you an opportunity to see if long-term in China really is for you, and it will be less stress on your relationship.

[natra]

2 - 3 months is okay, but you would learn a tremendously greater amount if you stayed for a whole year.

May I ask why you are studying Chinese?

[Shadowdh]

Hi there, Roddy brought this thread to my attention as I did exactly what you talk about... I am married and have two kids... I was studying (now graduated) Chinese at a uni in London on a 3 year degree which didnt include a year abroad, chosen by me as I didnt think about going to China for a year due to me being married and being a full time house husband (as well as a student)... however the head of the Chinese dept came to me and offered me a full scholarship to go to China and study, I said no at first as I was married and the kids etc, but she was persistant and told me to discuss it with my wife... I did and after some working around several issues (including finding an au pair to help out with the kids) we decided it was far too good an opportunity to turn down... And let me tell you I am sooooo glad I went... I missed the hell out of my family and at times it was really hard but I had so much work to do and all the people were so great it helped a lot...

My wife, like your husband does not feel the same way about China as I do, I love the place, and would live there in a heartbeat... Like you I really really really wish I had done all this before getting married and having kids but zenme ban?

I was away for nearly the full year... I would have been there the full year (and possibly longer due to the olympics etc) but we had problems with the second au pair we had (she was a nightmare) and so I had to return home early... At first it was kind of an adventure but I did start to miss my family from the airport tbh... My wife and I have always been really close and talk all the time, phone each other a few times a day, sms, email the whole thing... so that was one hurdle, not having her there and accessible... the kids were doing things too which I missed out on which was hard... sleeping was also something that took me a while to get used to... that is being alone at night...

If you marriage is solid and you guys are both in whole heartedly then I think (with visits) it will be fine... I know that my wife and my relationship is much stronger now and absence did indeed make the heart grow fonder... The visits help a lot... they help with the feeling of isolation and any possible "out of sight out of mind" type of thing... I could waffle on for a bit but it might not be too coherent at the moment as I have time constraints but if you would like more info, or have any specific questions then please pm me... if you are in the UK you could give me a call or email and I will help you anyway I can... it is worth it though, and if your marriage is strong enough its all good... (hard though)...

*edit* ok I see you are in the US... dont worry about the calls but pm me or email me if you have any questions... or just ask them here and I will help...

[adrianlondon]

I spent 5 months in Beijing and left my boyfriend in London. I think for the person going to China it's easier than for the person left behind.

In China you're busy - studying, exploring, making new friends, just soaking up the new culture and way of life going on around you.

Your partner is carrying on their life as before - same routine except without you there. Except you phone up all excited and talk about your new friends, language ability, culture, food etc.

You need to make sure you don't sound like you're not missing your partner! Don't forget that they're living the same routine/mundane/regular (delete as you see fit) life and don't want some hyper excited person ringing them up as if you're just going to talk and not listen.

[Meng Lelan]

I spent 3 months in China and left my Now-Ex in the States. This because he wasn't interested in China and because he was starting a new job that time. When I came back he really went on and on at me about how he had to do all the things that I had done for him for seven years, things like clean up, shop, cook, laundry, get things fixed, etc. Plus he had gotten diagnosed with diabetes in my absence. The relationship deteriorated to the point we divorced in 2005. I'm not regretting the stay in China but I do regret returning to the US to that situation.

[xiaotao]

Shadow,

Getting a full scholarship sounds too good to be true. Your Chinese level must be pretty good before you left for China. Your wife sounds wonderful! Will you please share how you are you using your Mandarin now? Are you teaching your kids Chinese?

[edelweis]

This thread reminded me of a similar one on another forum... it has nothing to do with China however it may be of some interest to the OP.

Bring your boyfriend to France? on the teaching assistants in France forum. There are some posts about not bringing the boyfriend, especially one success story on page 2.

[Shadowdh]

Getting a full scholarship sounds too good to be true. Your Chinese level must be pretty good before you left for China. Your wife sounds wonderful! Will you please share how you are you using your Mandarin now? Are you teaching your kids Chinese?

I was pretty surprised they offered it to me to be honest... My Chinese wasnt too bad, not as good as it should have been but could get around China ok... at the moment I am in the process of looking for a job... slim pickings at the moment in the UK anyway, have had a few offers of jobs in China but cant go due to family contraints... I teach my kids as and when they want to know something, which isnt as much as I would like them too but they are young still and I dont want to scare them off the language or learning in general really... as for my wife... yeah she is pretty wonderful and without her understanding and support it would never have happened... she is not into China or Chinese like I am but she knows it means a lot to me...

[clevermae]

taijiphoenix: I agree with ShadowDH. It is really a matter of how you assess your relationship or marriage. If deep within your heart you are sure and confident about your relationship with your spouse and you know it is strong enough to withstand the other's absence, then go ahead. But if from the very beginning you are already doubtful about your ability to withstand being apart, then maybe you ought to consider a shorter stint in China.

[taijiphoenix]

Thanks everyone<

Shadowh, I will send you a pm later when I have some more time. I know that my relationship with my husband is strong and would be able to withstand my absence. I have already made up my mind as to spend a year in china and my husband is supportive. I was more looking for personal experiances and how others handled their spouses absence and what challenges they encountered, like with communication and such.

Thanks again everyone,

Taijiphoenix