Understanding the Chinese and acceptance

[xiaotao]

I was at a dinner party where we were discussing how to understand the Chinese way of thinking and being accepted by the Chinese. One woman said even though she was given a position of authority in a company in Asia, She was not accepted as one of them. She speak Mandarin very well but not a native speaker. She's Chinese.

A white woman felt very accepted in China but she didn't understand the Chinese way of thinking and was searching for a way to "get it." She doesn't speak Chinese. She thinks it can be learned in a classroom.

An ABC, thinks that learning Chinese is the very first step in understanding the Chinese way of thinking, also reading books and viewing movies that demonstrate Chinese values and ways of life. This is what one does when relatives are americanized.

A Hong Kong woman married to a non Chinese speaking Caucasion thinks the only way to understand culture is to live it.

Any thought as to how to truly understand the way of the Chinese and to be accepted?

Edited April 21, 2010 at 06:17 PM by xiaotao

[eatfastnoodle]

being accepted is overrated. Just live however you see fit, China is a big country, you can find people whom you fit right into no matter who you are.

Edited April 21, 2010 at 11:53 PM by eatfastnoodle

[tooironic]

Maybe I'm a little naive, but I've never really had a problem being "accepted" (ugh... that word) by Chinese people. Though I hate to generalise, generally speaking they have been very open and generous people. Then again I've never head an Asian company... Anyway I just tend to take people at face value. There's no point in categorising one nation of people as an entity that one needs to find acceptance from; that's just silly. Sometimes what we think are "cultural boundaries" are really just human ones IMO.

[YuehanHao]

It's an interesting question. I think it is valid to conceive the question on both a general and particular level. Although limited, my experience has been that it is best simply to accept general non-acceptance from an outside society (or in other words, accept a reduced probability of acceptance from randomly selected members of society). After all, one is quite different than this society, and there is no reason to think society ought to overlook such differences. By one's showing of acceptance toward that outside society, barriers to one's own acceptance may be reduced, but there is no guarantee that any exertion will cause one to feel a part of the club.

Still, as others said, in particular cases, acceptance from certain individuals will just come naturally. Some individuals will be attracted to and seek out just those differences, whether for personal or business reasons.

To me, in either case, acceptance of others does not seem overly important, but it is very critical to others. To some extent, every human being either thrives on outside acceptance, or suffers from its deprivation.

约翰好

[abcdefg]

The best I can hope for is to be accepted as an OK foreigner. If they realize I respect their culture and they don't throw stones at me, then I'm happy. Friendship with individuals may or may not happen, based more on mutual interests and how we "click" as people than on broad cultural factors.

[natra]

I am not sure how relevant this is. Most comments so far seem to be focused on interactions between other cultures and Chinese culture in China.

I really sympathize with Chinese students studying abroad in the United States. Often times it seems like they have not acquired language skills adequate to have lucid conversations in English. Americans are generally so short-sighted that the idea of speaking a language other than English, or rather the process of learning a foreign language and having to use it to communicate with others, is completely beyond them. As a result, they are treated as unusual and discouraged from trying to continue interacting with others.

I guess the reason I feel that way is because I was treated in a similar way while living in China. I am a blond, caucasian male and lived in an area where there were few westerners. If anyone ever did approach me, it was only because I was viewed as an opportunity to practice speaking English. This happened several times a week on the street, and during the times that I did not feel like reciprocating in English the other party would often become angry and just walk away!

I think I agree with tooironic. Lumping an entire group of people together does not seem very productive.

[wushijiao]

I pretty much agree with Yuehan Hao's comments above.

For understanding "the Chinese" or any other nationality, I think there can be a progress of sorts:

1) Read books by foreigners like you who visited/lived in the country, then

2) Read books by "bilingual/bicultural" Chinese about their views of China, and or your own country, and then

3) Read Chinese books in Chinese meant for Chinese.

Besides that, talking a lot with locals, asking them their opinions about things can be useful. Same with long-term expats.

As others have said though, it can be very misleading to take a particular individuals' behavior and assign it to the person's "Chineseness" (or whatever other nationality). For example, if you think back to a job you might have had in high school, with all the diverse and odd co-workers there, it's interesting to think that a foreigner would see them all through the lens of nationality, which would be absurd to a person of that nationality.

On the other hand, certain groups of people do tend to have similar ways of thinking and shared perceptions of events, which has been conditioned from the education system, TV, movies, and history. So, one shouldn't go too far in the other direction either, discounting the usefulness of generalizations, generally speaking.

[xianu]

one really big problem i see in this question is that the question of "fitting in" in itself is *extremely* western, probably american, where there an undercurrent of "accepting" others and "diversity" and a need to be accepted by others, and to be one of the crowd. Being someone who has never "fit in" anywhere on the superficial level (i.e. skin/outer appearance, clothing, demeanor, carriage), whether it be China or any western countries, or on a deeper philosophical or personal level (as in ways of thought, expression, attitude, etc.), it seems that this question has been made really far too simplistic and is asking several different things on several different levels: 1. what does one need to do in order to "feel" as though one isn't an alien, 2. how should one act/what kinds of things should one say in order to be perceived as understanding Chinese culture? 3. how good does one's language skills need to be in order to be, and how does understanding of a language help one to understand and interpret culture? How can one learn to rephrase things and rethink things from a Chinese perspective? Is it linguistic? socio-cultural? other? i apologize for this really unhelpful rant, if I have caused any offense, but it strikes me that the question itself brings up deeper questions about ones motives and needs, and one's social conditioning

[Shi Tong]

First off, let me ask you a question: Do you feel totally accepted and at home in your "own" country (where ever that may be), because while I basically agree with this:

1) Read books by foreigners like you who visited/lived in the country, then

2) Read books by "bilingual/bicultural" Chinese about their views of China, and or your own country, and then

3) Read Chinese books in Chinese meant for Chinese.

And that learning Chinese is essential, you have to remember that if you dont feel accepted by everybody in your own country, which I certainly dont, then the same will happen in "China", which is a large and diverse place.

Some people will accept you as you are, some people will encourage you, you will be treated a miriad of ways by a miriad of people, so approach everyone the same way you would if you were at home, because no matter what the last Chinese person just said to you, or how they just treated you, you will find the next person to be completely different.

So.

Learn Chinese- this will give you a great overview of things, it will also mean people will be able to speak to you in their native tongue.

Also learn some sayings- this will also give you a good feeling of some of the culture. I love Chinese sayings as I think it always tells you a really in depth story.

Then just try, and see what happens!

[anonymoose]

I agree with xianu on this topic. Westerners often see "acceptance" as a fundamentally important part of living in any society, because in the west, we are continuously educated to accept and tolerate people with different customs, cultures and appearances to ourselves. But think about how many countries there are across the world that have the same diversity as the US, UK, Canada, Australia and New Zealand. Not many. Most countries are much more homogenenous than this, and anybody with an obviously foreign appearance or behaviour will automatically be seen as an outsider. Fortunately for foreigners in China, the consequences are not usually negative. But one should go with the understanding that one is likely to be regarded as an outsider, especially if one has an obviously foreign apperance, no matter how good one's chinese is. However, being foreign doesn't preclude one from integrating into the local society. Fortunately for me, most of my associates in China regard me as a 自己人 inspite of being a 外国人.

[Shi Tong]

anonymoose and xianu, I agree..

One thing I thought was interesting, though, was that once I was really good at speaking Chinese and spent a month in Taiwan with my relatives, I got an interesting comment from my wife's aunt: "Sometimes I forget you're not Taiwanese".

I took this as a compliment, since I know that she was telling the truth- I was now in a position where I could explain myself and talk about things in a deeper way, meaning that I could get more across than the fact I was hungry or wanted a cup of tea, but I never felt more "accepted" or less "foreign", and I think you need to concentrate on what matters, and that is, learn Chinese and be yourself. You will find some people positive and some negative, but whatever you do, or whereever you are, you will always find that on some levels you're never "accepted", but what's different about that compared with your own country?