Do You Have a Chinese Boyfriend?

[sirenbear]

Apologies if this is already a thread here, but I couldn't find it if so

I am in American who has lived in China for several years and I recently started dating a Chinese guy. Previously I've had flings and friendships with Chinese guys, but this one seems much more serious. He does not speak any English (apart from "hello", of course), but my Chinese is fairly good so it's not a huge problem (though obviously challenging sometimes). What's more, he is a working class guy, not a student/white collar guy like those I have known previously. (just explaining background).

I guess I am curious about other non-Chinese females' experience with Chinese boyfriends. Is it common for them to get serious very quickly, and text a lot? (I usually get at least two "have you eaten yet" texts a day, one at lunch and one at dinner. Sweet.)

Any advice, anecdotes, or other resources on the web/in real life would be great too! Thanks!

PS: Chinese women welcome/encouraged to comment too!

[doraemon]

Do You Have a Chinese Boyfriend?

No, because I'm a guy but I've had a Chinese relative who dated and eventually married an American woman. He told me that they were pretty cohesive and didn't have major problems dating and getting married because she was really interested in Chinese culture and the language and he was only too happy to teach her. Do you and your boyfriend have common interests? Because that would make things quite a lot easier. ;)

[clc]

they were pretty cohesive and didn't have major problems dating and getting married because she was really interested in Chinese culture and the language and he was only too happy to teach her.

What if she was not really interested in Chinese culture and the language?

Language is superficial, understanding the culture is the key. Chinese people are always serious about relationship and marriage. Is he equally interested in your culture and the language? That may have a long term effect on the relationship.

[anonymoose]

I've thought about similar issues before, though in reverse since I'm a guy.

I know lots of Chinese girls, and although most of them have at least 大专 education, many of them cannot speak English to any practical level.

On the other hand, many of them are the sweetest girls I've met.

Now, I cannot rule out staying in China for life, but it's certainly not something I'm willing to commit to at present. So that presents a dilemma - should one get involved with a non-English speaking partner, and effectively tie oneself down to China (or at least make moving home even more complicated in the future)?

[renzhe]

I am in American who has lived in China for several years and I recently started dating a Chinese guy.

Hey, congratulations!

[jbradfor]

Ditto, especially given your previous experience!

[sirenbear]

aiya, I thought that thread had disappeared! I can never find it when I look for it; is it archived or something? For those of you wondering, it's not the same guy.

[Meng Lelan]

I thought that thread had disappeared! I can never find it when I look for it; is it archived or something? For those of you wondering, it's not the same guy.

No, nothing's changed, just the interface.

[renzhe]

We are like those annoying relatives who remember all embarrassing things forever

Now we'll ask you all about it!

[iolair]

Yes, I do. And I guess it did get serious quite quickly. I was surprised at how frank we were able to be with each other, even from the very beginning. I wouldn't be able to comment on what's common, but the text messages sound familiar, especially about food and health. Mine nags a bit about both, but he's usually right and he takes really good care of me when I'm tired, sick or hungry! He's very caring. He has a tendency to try and treat me like a princess, which I don't always cope well with. Particularly if he tries to carry my handbag. Men don't do that where I'm from (Australia).

Personal space and privacy have sometimes been issues for me, especially after I just came back from a trip home. I felt a bit like I was suffocating and he felt like I was pushing him away, but we worked our way through it. I had to find a nice way to tell him not to go through my cell phone, or other things that I consider private without making him feel like I didn't trust him or was trying to hide something. He thought my unwillingness to login to his QQ music account when he wasn't around, or read his text messages, was anal.

As for advice, I guess if you're interested in politics, be careful how you discuss it with him. Somebody could say something critical about the Australian government and I would probably shrug my shoulders. However, in my experience in China, criticism (even constructive and well-intentioned) about Chinese anything from outsiders is often seen as an attack and taken personally by Chinese people even when they privately agree with the sentiment you were trying to express. This infuriates me. I don't think my boyfriend does this. Much. He is a lot more skeptical and less scarily nationalist than most Chinese guys I know. He knows I care a lot about China and the people here in general which I think helps, but we've still had a couple of heated arguments about politics when one of us has taken something the other said the wrong way. When this has happened I think it has been made much worse by his nationalism and my irritation at his nationalism, both of which have rendered rational discussion useless. Tread carefully around anything to do with Chinese territorial disputes or Japan!

Having said that, I think we are very aware that we might well misunderstand each other because of culture, upbringing or language issues and so tend to make more of an effort to understand each other. We talk in Chinese which is fine most of the time except when I get frustrated if I can't express myself as well as I would like. My Chinese isn't crap and he is extremely patient and intent on understanding me. Although I've been told several times to learn more idioms since it is unlikely other Chinese people would be patient enough to happily listen to me say in four sentences what could have been said in four words.切 :rolleyes:

Good luck to you!

[xuefang]

Same here. My boyfriend also doesn't speak English and is also a working class guy. And we got serious pretty soon because almost since we started dating he have asked me regularly 嫁给我吗 (will you marry me)？ I have also met his relatives and they approve. Now I'm having summer holiday in Finland and he would like to talk on QQ all the time plus sending me lots of cute text messages.

I don't know anyone else (in person) who has Chinese boyfriend so it would be nice to share experiences. You can also send me a private message if you like.

[yonglin]

I found this to be a very interesting article on this topic. The ladies in the article write their own blogs as well (just google them), which I found to be quite good reads.

[Meng Lelan]

I found this to be a very interesting article on this topic. The ladies in the article write their own blogs as well (just google them), which I found to be quite good reads.

This is an awesome find. Particularly striking how the guys talk about marriage so early on in dating. That tends to be very true.

[小贝丝]

Yay iolair - another Aussie! ^^

And to sirenbear too, it's good to have a guy that's so patient that will understand you.

And xuefang, I'm checking out your blog. ^^

No Chinese boyfriend for me but I sort of have a qq爱人. haha.

I find it difficult being a foreigner, guys will rarely try to speak to you here in China because they assume you won't understand them (which is mostly true of me, my Chinese is barely passable) and because they assume you make lots of money and live in this little English world.

I want to find out how you girls found your men!

Do you find Chinese guys to be very romantic or not?

[xuefang]

I found my boyfriend at one bar. He thought he had nothing to lose so he made the first move. He also thought that I wouldn't be truly interested in him, but he was wrong. At that point my Chinese wasn't that good and it was hard to communicate. But I just asked shenme, shenme all the time and he answered me three to five times until I got it or we moved to another topic. Luckily my Chinese is now little bit better and communication is easier.

I have heard and read that many Chinese guys like to show their love with practical actions rather than sweet words. But my boyfriend can do both. I got many cute text messages from him and he bought me a hair dryer because apparently it is dangerous to go to sleep with wet hair in China.

I highly recommend Jocelyn's blog Speaking of China. She has a Chinese boyfriend and she shares her stories and advice. One of the best blogs out there!

小贝丝, Hope you find something interesting

[小贝丝]

Hey xuefeng, I really like your blog and Jocelyn's of course. ^^

But I'm surprised you met your man in a bar!

I've been a little intimidated by going to any clubs or bars in China because I always hear only bad people go there or that guys don't want to meet women in bars, they want nice girls who don't go for that type of night scene.

How did that work for you? I'm eager to know more!

PM me if you don't want to put anything up on this thread that might be too personal! B)

[xuefang]

I send a PM to 小贝丝, but I can tell this to everyone. It seems that university students don't go to bars and they think only bad guys go there. But those people have never been there them selves so they don't actually know. If you have been in a bar in your own country, I'm sure Chinese bars aren't that different. Some look for action, some have fun with friends and maybe some look for the special one. My boyfriend first thought that I'm not a wife material but when he get to know me he realized that I'm a good girl.

[iolair]

I had known my boyfriend for months before we started going out. Went to the same uni. Over my summer holidays I went to visit his hometown where he had moved back to for good. I went there to travel, not because he was there, but figured I would pop by since he was there. He took really good care of me while I in the same province (calling once a day to check up on me when he wasn't travelling with me himself) then when I moved on, we just kept calling each other. By the time I got back home, he missed me so much he ended up moving back to Shandong. After he got here he told me he was smitten, I said I was too and we have been together ever since.

As for romance versus practicality, I just know he treats me really well. If I'm sick, he buys medicine. I've had roses. A necklace. A thermos to encourage me to drink more in winter... Once he turned up at my door and escorted me through a really nasty thunderstorm at 2:30 in the morning to go to a bar on the other side of the city because he knew I really wanted to watch a football match and couldn't at home. Now that's love ;)

[Caidanbi]

I had a Chinese boyfriend several years ago, and yeah, he did get serious pretty quickly. He was talking about getting married after a few months! He was a sweetie, but it didn't work out, unfortunately. We stayed friends for a long time after we broke up, though.

[traderstone]

No, I think that we don't communicate with each other very well due to the different culture background.