LOVE

[Schwag]

im married to chinese woman, im american, we get along great & i find it very interesting learning more of her culture, however we did run into altercation, she was with her parents, & told me they said hi to me, well i tell her to tell them i love them & to give them hug for me, she laughed & said well she will just tell them i say hi, that in there culture they do not show & express Love that way, si i ask her you have never told your parents you love them ever, nor have you hug them?, she said no!, well it really struck me the wrong way, i couldnt believe a person could not show that type of emotion to another. ive been searching for a resonable awnser to my problem. although we have talked about it & she got very upset thinking i was saying she didnt love her parents, which i never said, but she understood this way. ive noticed friction in there family business, in which her brother will soon take over & run, well they must had some sort of disagreement & dont talk alot to 1 another, sometimes you can kinda feel in the air , when they talk in chinese , & then walk away from 1 another that something might be up. & then to understand that those simple 3 words can resolve & at least put a temporary yield on such confrontation.i know when my kids upset me, they will always tell me they love me, & thats just softens my heart enough to understand alil more & be more forgiving. some issue might come up where the health of 1 other them may be dire, is it time then to tell them you love them, & why not before?, or do you just never give them peace of mind & let them leave this earth without hearing those words.

also im a christian, very relaxed 1 but i do know what & who i choose to believe in , my wife knows really nothing about Christianity, but seems open minded enough to want to learn, but knowing that God gave his only begooten Son to die for our sins, tell me that the bible is full of Love & how it should be expressed.

well enough of this i will wait for a kind response, & ill try to open my mind enough to absorb the info provided, Thanks , Peace & Love to All ...Schwag

[gougou]

ill try to open my mind enough to absorb the info provided

It'd be enough if you only opened your mind so far as to absorb what your wife tells you. Even if we would tell you that actually all Chinese people express their love the way Americans do (which is not the case, not even Europeans do...), that would be completely irrelevant if there family didn't do it, don't you think?

Imagine how weird it would be for you if somebody came and told you to stop expressing your love for your family immediately, as it wasn't good for you. That's the way she's feeling now.

[skylee]

ive noticed friction in there family business, in which her brother will soon take over & run, well they must had some sort of disagreement & dont talk alot to 1 another, sometimes you can kinda feel in the air , when they talk in chinese , & then walk away from 1 another that something might be up.

People don't always get along with one another, not even if they are siblings, especially when money is involved. There is nothing unusual and it is not unique to Chinese.

[jbradfor]

At the risk of gross generalizations, I would say that Chinese do not love family members as much as Americans do, and Americans do not treat family members as well as Chinese do. So what? Different cultures have different expectation.

I think it goes back to Christian values vs Confucian values.

[Meng Lelan]

To my experience, the Chinese love family members more than Americans do, and Americans treat family members in most dismal fashion. I think it has to do with more dependence on each other in China and no dependence on each other in the US. Relationships are important in China, relationships mean nothing in the US.

[Schwag]

well i appriciate all of the input, again ive never stated that i dont think chinese love there family less than we do, i just dont understand how they can never express it through words or touch, but i guess instead asian people might rather have respect over the feeling of love. i sure dont want to stir anything up & be taken wrong, i love my wife & her family their the best, i was just raised to pray & love every1, verbally express it & hug people just because its a sign of caring . i know there are many different cultures out there, & i respect them, just was hoping fopr a easier explanation i might understand

[nazreal]

hum....well I'm Chinese but British born so I've absorbed both cultures really.

My mum has never told me she loves me and we only hug when we haven't seen each other for ages and even then my mum's a little uncomfortable BUT it doesn't mean she doesn't love me. When I come home on a weekend she'll have tidied up the house and filled the cupboard with my favourite snacks. She'll have sorted all my post neatly and placed it on my table. She'll have laundered all my clothes whether I've noticed or not. She'll also probably have cooked a really tasty roast pork and steamed my favourite kind of rice (cos she eats this crazy stinky type of rice) - plus I guarantee that she'll have walked past the front door more than once to see if my car's arrived at her drive - that's her love for me.

Likewise with my English friends, hugs and kisses are the way to go and because my family aren't like that, it took me a while to equate roast pork and hugs to mean the same thing!

So in my opinion it is a difference in cultures. I'm sure her family are loving but they probably express it in different ways you know? And the nice thing about learning about that side of your wife's culture is that actions can sometimes speak louder than words. So because my family have been brought up that way, I may never tell my sister that I love her but I will go the extra mile to buy her something or make something for her (like random cupcakes on a rainy day) or something like that! But it's my way of telling her I love her without actually telling her I love her and she knows!

ps. I'm Christian too

nazreal

[anonymoose]

I agree 100% with what Nazreal says.

I mean, how often do westerners (guys anyway) say to a girl "I love you" just to get laid. Saying "I love you" is easy. Actions really do speak louder than words.

[xianhua]

I remember when I was young, a friend's family would always insist on exchanging open expressions of affection in front of other people. As my friend would leave his house, the mother would shout 'I love you', and my friend would shout it back (even as a teenage boy). The same pattern was repeated between siblings. It was simply the accepted norm in this family. Now put yourself in the position of an outsider entering that environment (as I was then). It felt awkward and induced embarrassment. That may give some sense of how certain traits in one family/culture may sound to another.

[Schwag]

many good points i will concider, thanks to all

[Meng Lelan]

I mean, how often do westerners (guys anyway) say to a girl "I love you" just to get laid. Saying "I love you" is easy. Actions really do speak louder than words.

Dude, my experiences in life attest to what you said, you are absolutely correct. A rep point to you.

[johnk]

I grew up in rural Ireland in the 70's. There and then, people did not show much overt affection.

Even now, my sister, having not seem me for a year, will typically greet me with something like 'I suppose you want a cup of tea?'

Hugs and kisses simply don't happen. But that doesn't mean we don't love each other.

I found it uncomfortable when I encountered a more 'soppy' world. But I got used to it. I guess it is just what people are used to.

I did a tour of China last year with a group and there were usually hugs and kisses all round when the tour group left the guide

when going to a new city. I felt that the guides were uncomfortable about it. I asked one of them. She said she did feel

uncomfortable with hugging and kissing strangers but she had gotten used to it.

I guess I have something in common with Chinese people.

JohnK

[Jane_PA]

Chinese don't say love and thanks among family is kind of tradition, but that doesn't mean that we don't appreciate our family help or we don't love our family members. I think, some kind of assumption that love is of course, so that is why you don't need to say. You don't tell anybody that you breath air every moment, right? It is difficult to explain a cultre or a tradition. But Chinese love or appreciation is more like action, not words.

I made a lot of efforts to take my parents to travel. I spent more time in seeking a pair of comfortable shoes for my mom than the time shopping a cloth for myself because I don't like shopping. I cook for them. This is my love and my appreciation. I don't say directly to them. Of course, my parents had made more and more efforts for bringing me up. They never said to me that they love me in words. But, I never doubt that. Saying directly is not our tradition. Also, among my family, we never said thanks to each other, but I do say thanks to my Chinese friends. If I say thanks to my brother for his giving me a ride to the airport, which may sounds strange because that is not a family language in Chinese tradition.

But, I may say younger generation might change. Thanks is used a lot in day-to-day life in China, like between my brother and his baby.

Re: JohnK

Really. Good to know Ireland is this way too.

[feihong]

In China, family members never, ever say "我爱你" to each other. Although it literally means "I love you", the connotation is of romantic love, which would be extremely weird between family members. Instead, they might say "我想你", which means "I'm thinking of you". This doesn't exactly mean "I love you", but it definitely is a verbal expression of affection.

So maybe that is what OP's wife meant when she said that she doesn't say "I love you" to her family members. But it doesn't rule out the possibility that she uses other phrases to verbally communicate her affection towards family members.

[小贝丝]

Yay! Another Christian!

That's awesome brother!

But I have to say, I really hope you're not another English teacher in China with a Chinese wife because your grammar is horrible! It made me cringe reading (or attempting to) your post.

Despite that, I have to say that if you are a Christian you should believe that love is a verb. Try actions first. I think the Chinese are very expressive people in this way. ^^

[Elwin]

You may see Chinese friends (of the younger generation) hug each other, also nowadays you might see a boy- and girlfriend being really touchy while the older couples usually aren't at all, of course. My gf is Chinese but has absorbed a lot of western culture, she says I can hug her parents if I want to. But I probably won't because I'll prefer to show them my appreciation in another way, in other actions.

Also here is a big difference between maybe America and my Dutch culture, Americans do everything that we do much more, like hugging and saying I love you, love this love that. Consequently in my culture (even though it's very very direct and Western) people think Americans are acting fake, that's how easily differences are made! It's just about living in the culture and understanding the meaning of someone's words and actions.

[doraemon]

To my experience, the Chinese love family members more than Americans do, and Americans treat family members in most dismal fashion. I think it has to do with more dependence on each other in China and no dependence on each other in the US. Relationships are important in China, relationships mean nothing in the US.

Well, I think that regardless of whatever culture, all families love each other very much, but I do believe that different cultures express their emotions differently. Yes, in China, relationships are very important to many people (not just family, even friends/acquaintances are often held in very high regard) but not many Chinese people choose to convey their feelings for one another with sentimental gestures/phrases. I think many Chinese parents do this through other methods such as cooking their child's favourite dish, saving up for them, buying them material goods, etc.

I'm a Chinese who grew up in Australia and frankly, I barely ever hug my parents or say stuff like "I love you" to them. Even when I don't see them for a long time, we still tend to say things like "It's been a long time" or something along the lines of that, but I'm certain we all know how much we've missed seeing each other. And frankly, I don't think there's much wrong with that. Not being sentimental doesn't mean you love your family any less. I think some cultures tend to focus on showing their love and care towards their families through actions which benefit them some way or another (usually involves material goods or some form of sacrifice).

And speaking of family conflicts, I have two uncles who are brothers and because of a dispute over some business matters (who was responsible for stuffing the business up, who gets more share of the profit, etc) years ago, they refuse to see each other even today. When I went back to China for a whole month once, I never saw them two together on any occasion. We had to meet them separately, as well as being very careful not to discuss anything about the other.

[crazy-meiguoren]

if you are a Christian you should believe that love is a verb.

It's true no matter what religion you are (or are not).

There are lots of ways to show love. Maybe the American way of saying "I love you" might sound strange to cultures that usually reserve the word 爱 to romantic love. In our case, we let the context of the relationship define the type of love we're declaring.

Situations like the OP's would be an excellent starting point to discuss the differences in how love is expressed. One could say that the real proof in how love is shown is whether or not that person is there for you and doesn't cast you aside - no matter how well he or she knows your quirks.

I appreciate discussions like this that give a glimpse on how other cultures view subjects such as this. I, uh, think of you.

[SirDude]

My Chinese girlfriend explained her feelings about saying "I Love You" in a very short and sweet "Say less, do more".

I'm fine without the verbal "I Love You"'s, but the lack of hugging I think I am going to have a problem with. haha I do have to say, in the short amount of time I have known my GF, the "say less, do more" has really worked out nicely. Even in an email I can tell she cares about me, because what she writes in her emails is clearly taken from noticing what's important to me, and acting on it.

Since I am currently stuck in the US / her in China, if I mention that I am interested in something / some place, she'll get information for me or go take a photo, etc. That to me speaks a whole lot louder then just typing "I love you" at the end of some babble.

Have a great day!

SirDude

[greenarcher]

I admire couples where one party is mainland Chinese. Even if I'm of Chinese descent, I realized the difference in culture and view on relationships is extremely vast. What more for westerners or other Asians. Almost everyone I know in Beijing who had a thing with a mainlander had things never work out for them.