Song in Chinese--Proofreader Needed

[Emblue]

I'm writing a song for a project, and it's in Chinese. I've been learning Chinese for quite some time, but I'm not a native speaker, so could someone with a good amount of experience (preferably a native speaker) make any corrections necessary to my lyrics (keeping in mind it's supposed to be a song)? Thanks!

溫柔花兒在裂紋盛開

在人行道的水泥

在破舊的城市

勤奮地尋找陽光當天空都黑暗

生活又呼吸生活

在街頭

雖然你不能知明天會意味什麼

未來要帶什麼來

但為明天爭取

一步一步往前走，為了前一步爭取

當天空最深黑的時

一粒星也沒有

也許是你遠離你目的地

也許對你說，每天都是鬥爭

也許那是你在人生的應用

我在天空看見火花閃閃

光點好像路以上星宿

我又感到夏夜的溫暖

你的面反映煙花餘輝

你是否觀看天空希望旦改變

知道不會永遠是

無星的黑夜

又有夏天來臨帶著滿萬光黃昏

輕柔風飄過來

好像叫星宿閃閃

天空在黎明前最深黑

而我們最困頓在我們

贏得戰鬥臨

我在天空看見火花閃閃

光點好像路以上星宿

能行多一步的力量

天空反映煙花的餘輝

[semantic nuance]

Is there a melody for this lyrics already? Second, do you care about rhyming thing?

[Emblue]

Yeah, I've got a (rough) melody; and no, rhyming really doesn't matter.

[Jane_PA]

It is difficult to proofread a song because many Chinese lyrics doesn't follow grammer rule either in order to match the rythm or poetric feeling.

[semantic nuance]

I just proposed rough questions about your song. I cannot help you out when the context is not so clear. The reason I asked if there's a melody for this song is that you may write the lyrics to go well with the melody. So the wording depends on the melody. So if you can post your melody here, then I believe members here would have a clearer picture of what's what, and they may offer their suggestions.

溫柔花兒在裂紋盛開 (I guess you're trying to say the flower is blooming in the crack of the pavement, am I right?)

在人行道的水泥

在破舊的城市

勤奮地尋找陽光當天空都黑暗

生活又呼吸生活

在街頭

雖然你不能知明天會意味什麼

未來會如何

但為明天奮戰 or努力

一步一步往前走，為了前一步爭取 (Don’t get it. What did you mean by that?)

當天空最深黑的時

一粒星也沒有

也許是你遠離你目的地

也許對你說，每天都是鬥爭

也許那是你在人生的應用

(If possible, could you please tell us what were you trying to write when you were thinking in English?)

我在天空看見火花閃閃

光點好像路以上星宿 (What is this?)

我又感到夏夜的溫暖

你的臉反映煙花餘輝

你是否觀看天空希望旦改變 (the context please)

知道不會永遠是

無星的黑夜

又有夏天來臨帶著滿萬光黃昏 (English please)

輕柔風飄過來

好像叫星宿閃閃

天空在黎明前最深黑

而我們最困頓在我們

贏得戰鬥臨 ( the context please)

我在天空看見火花閃閃

光點好像路以上星宿

能行多一步的力量

天空反映煙花的餘輝

[Emblue]

Hi, semantic nuance, thanks for looking it over. The melody really isn't that important, because it's not set in stone yet and it can be changed as needed. For this project, I think the lyrics are probably more important. Here are my replies to your questions:

為了前一步爭取 (Don’t get it. What did you mean by that?)

"fighting for the step in front"--basically, struggling to go one step ahead

也許是你遠離你目的地

也許對你說，每天都是鬥爭

也許那是你在人生的應用

"And maybe you're far from your ideal

Maybe every day's a struggle for you

And maybe that's your claim in life"

The last line is somewhat fuzzy, even in English.

路以上星宿 (What is this?)

"stars above the road"

希望旦改變 (the context please)

The original English is "hoping for a change someday".

滿萬光黃昏

The original English is "the evenings filled with lights".

贏得戰鬥臨 ( the context please)

It's a carry-over from the last line, so it's supposed to be "在我們贏得戰鬥臨" (just before we win the battle), but I used "臨" as a synonym of "前". Not sure if you can do that, though.

Again, thanks for looking it over.

[semantic nuance]

Sorry, I just can change something in your origin. It's better if you can present your English version so that can make the meaning of the song clearer and it'll help a lot of Chinese wording. Sorry if I'm being picky.

溫柔花兒盛開

在人行道的夾縫裡

在破舊的城市 (To me, 破舊的 is a bit strange to me, but I have no idea what you were trying to say.)

勤奮地尋找陽光當天空都黑暗

生活又呼吸生活 (again, not clear )

在街頭

雖然不知明天會如何

未來又會怎樣

但要為明天奮戰( or努力)

為前路闢境 (this is a bit like to pave the path before you step on it, meaning working on something ahead)

當天空最深黑時

暗無星光

也許是你遠離了理想

也許你每天都交戰

也許那是你人生的挑戰(challenge) (here, I don't know what your 'claim' is, so I chang it into 'challenge')

我在天空看見火花閃閃

光亮如天上繁星

我又感到夏夜的溫暖 (this analogy is a bit strange to me, 溫暖 in summer , so...)

你的臉襯出煙花餘輝

你是否觀看天空希望有朝一日能改變

知道不會永遠是

無星的黑夜

又有夏天來臨帶著滿是燈火的黃昏 (Irrelevent to me, what's the connection of summer to evenings with lights?)

輕柔風飄過來

好像叫星宿閃閃

天空在黎明前最黑暗

而我們最困頓在我們

贏得勝利前

我在天空看見火花閃閃

光亮如天上繁星

能行多一步的力量

天空反襯煙花的餘輝

[Emblue]

Thanks again, semantic nuance, for your help. First, some answers to your questions and then the English version.

在破舊的城市 (To me, 破舊的 is a bit strange to me, but I have no idea what you were trying to say.)

In English, it was originally "hard-worn", but I couldn't find a translation for that in Chinese so I put 破舊的.

生活又呼吸生活 (again, not clear )

Another translation issue. In English it was originally "breathing life into the life", but I didn't know how to translate that.

我又感到夏夜的溫暖 (this analogy is a bit strange to me, 溫暖 in summer , so...)

In this line, 溫暖 refers more to feelings than temperature. The song is based partially on a fun experience I had with some friends, and even though it was cool that night, I decided to put "warmth" to reflect feelings.

又有夏天來臨帶著滿是燈火的黃昏 (Irrelevent to me, what's the connection of summer to evenings with lights?)

Because the song is based on my feelings of the experience, the meaning of this line might be clear only to me (even in English).

English:

Gentle flower springing from a crack

In the cement of a sidewalk

Of a hard-worn town

Seeking light where it's scarce and the skies overhead are gray

Breathing life into the life

Up and down

And you fight for tomorrow even when you are not sure

What tomorrow may entail

What the future brings

Pushing straight ahead, fighting for the step in front

When the sky is at its blackest

With no stars

And maybe you're far from your ideal

Maybe every day's a struggle for you

And maybe that's your claim in life...

*I see the first sparks lighting up the sky

Dots of light like stars above the road

And I feel the warmth of the summer night

And your faces reflect the afterglow

Do you watch the sky hoping for a change someday

Knowing it won't always be a night

With no guiding stars

When the summer comes with the evenings filled with lights

And a soft breeze rushes by

And seems to make the stars twinkle softly

The sky is always blackest before the dawn

And we are always most exhausted

Before we win the fight

I see the first sparks lighting up the sky

Dots of light like stars above the road

The strength we need to go just one step more

And the sky reflect the afterglow...

[semantic nuance]

Emblue, the correction is just my 2 cents. Hope it helps! Once again, sorry for being picky.

Gentle flower springing from a crack

In the cement of a sidewalk

Of a hard-worn town

Seeking light where it's scarce and the skies overhead are gray

Breathing life into the life

Up and down

溫柔花兒盛開

在人行道的夾縫裡

在老舊的城市裡

勤奮地尋找陽光當天空都灰濛

呼吸著生命的氣息 (sorry, I don’t quite get its English, so I just change it into Mandarin that can be understood. You can decide if this is what you're trying to say.)

And you fight for tomorrow even when you are not sure

What tomorrow may entail

What the future brings

Pushing straight ahead, fighting for the step in front

When the sky is at its blackest

With no stars

雖然不知明天會如何

未來又會怎樣

但要為明天奮戰( or努力)

勇往直前，邁開大步 (similar but not exact to your original English)

當天空最深黑時

暗無星光

And maybe you're far from your ideal

Maybe every day's a struggle for you

And maybe that's your claim in life...

也許你遠離了理想

也許你每天都交戰

也許那是你人生的挑戰(challenge) (here, I don't know what your 'claim' is, so I change it into 'challenge')

*I see the first sparks lighting up the sky

Dots of light like stars above the road

And I feel the warmth of the summer night

And your faces reflect the afterglow

我看見天空的火花閃耀

有如點點繁星

夏夜溫暖著我

天空映襯煙花的餘輝

Do you watch the sky hoping for a change someday

Knowing it won't always be a night

With no guiding stars

When the summer comes with the evenings filled with lights

And a soft breeze rushes by (breeze rushes by sounds a bit contradictory to me. If it is a soft breeze, how come it rushes by ? Dynamic paradox.)

And seems to make the stars twinkle softly

你是否仰望天空希望有朝一日能改變 你知道不會永遠是

無星的黑夜

當滿是燈火的夏暮來臨

微風吹拂

彷彿喚著星光微微閃爍

The sky is always blackest before the dawn

And we are always most exhausted

Before we win the fight

黎明前的天空最黑暗

而我們最困頓在我們

贏得勝利前

I see the first sparks lighting up the sky

Dots of light like stars above the road

The strength we need to go just one step more

And the sky reflect the afterglow...

我看見天空的火花閃閃

有如點點繁星

能行多一步的力量

天空映襯煙花的餘輝

EDIT: for correcting a typo

[Emblue]

Wow, that's great! Thanks a lot, semantic nuance!

[semantic nuance]

不用客氣! Emblue!