Sperm Donation in China

[zhorik]

hi

i am new here and hope to get some understanding of my chinese wife. we both live in england and are old (she is 55 and i am 60.) WE have only been married a year and i love her dearly. here is the problem. i have children from previous relationships. i say children but really they are adults. She too has one "child" still living in china.

My son who is 35 approached me recently and asked if i might consider to be a sperm donor as his sperm count was low or non exitent. he and his wife desperately want a child. He asked if i would ask my wife which i did. Although i pointed out the dangers of sperm from older men having an increased risk of downes, autism and miscarriages etc.

but he has no brothers and so said that he was exploring his options. I was disposed to agree but when i asked my wife she blew her top. It was disgusting if i did this she would go back to china - how could i consider such a thing. I would have thought that as she herself was foricbly sterilised she would be symapthetic to a childless couple. Can any chinese women, men out there explaion this attitude. ic ould understand it if i were having sex with the young lady but sperm donation is such a clincial thing. i myself did not look forward to it but could understandf his wishes. Obviously while she feels this way i will not offer as i love my wife. but i do want an explaination. can anyone help?

[miss_China_so_much]

My guess: your wife "blew her top" is not because the fact you agreed to donate sperm but to whom you'd donate - your son, actually, your daughter-in-law!

Giving her age (55), anything remotely suggesting "sex" between a father or mother in-law and the daughter or son in-law is scandalous and considered as a type of incest.

[roddy]

After a quick Google, it seems that while this isn't unprecedented it's pretty darned rare. My first reaction was this must be some kind of wind-up, so the fact that a 50-something Chinese lady hasn't reacted well does not, to be honest, surprise me.

[zhorik]

but i never agreed to donate sperm - i just asked her permission to do so,

[gato]

A couple of possibilities:

1. She doesn't like the idea of donating your sperm, no matter how clinical it is.

2. She doesn't relish having a grandson actually being your son.

[Shi Tong]

Hello.

Yes it doesn't surprise me either--- I think this is a normal reaction to this idea from someone of her generation and her "possible" educational backgrounds and ideals.

In her mind I think it looks tantamount to incest.. and while I agree that it's completely clinical.. again.. doesn't surprise me.

I think maybe an idea is to ask her who would therefore be a "good" donor?

[aristotle1990]

I just think this would be pretty damn interesting, having a son who's genetically your half-brother...

[roddy]

but i never agreed to donate sperm - i just asked her permission to do so,

Now I'm thinking it's a wind-up again.

[SiMaKe]

@roddy

Not familiar with your term "wind-up". Is this how you are using it?

12) Brit slang an act or instance of teasing

Seems to fit but I'm not completely sure.

Thanks

N.B. Not only my Chinese benefits from this site but also my "British"!

[roddy]

Yeah, you know, a wind-up. . . . A piss-take. . . . Extracting the michael. . .

[Xiwang]

There are major legal issues involved in doing a direct sperm donation. Despite any oral or even written agreements you may make beforehand, you may wind up being declared the legal father someday (e.g., your son divorces and his now-former wife decides that she likes your assets better) and wind up assuming the financial responsibilities that come with that position.

Talk to a British family solicitor before you decide whether your wife is being unreasonable or not.

[zhorik]

Actually this is not a wind up, It is serious and as you should know is sensitive for my son. He is a manual worker and finds it hard to admit that he is serile. Stupid i Know. As to the legal rghts it would be done via a clinic if it happened .so any legal claim afterwards is null and void. the instance where a man was taken for csa (chile support agency) monies was whe he did this outside a clinic. In britain this has also happened before - the woman's clinic in central london organised such a thing. I want to help my son i can understand that this way he would have some common genes but my wife comes first i wish i could understand hr reasonoing

[xiaotao]

I heard of a very hansome doctor who donated his sperms and fathered 8 children. If I was in a position to select doners, I would want the sperms from the healthiest, smartest, and the most best looking. I am sure there are sperm clinics who provide some some doner information. They can request a doner that has similar traits to themselves. I have heard of people who mix the sperm of the to be father and doner.

[gato]

Yeah, see if Jude Law is available.

[Scoobyqueen]

I am a western female. I too would have a problem with that if you were my husband for the same reasons provided by others above so maybe this is not a cultural issue

.

[Lu]

I too am a Western woman, and I too find the idea weird. If I were the wife, I would also suggest the stepson look elsewhere for sperm. It's nice to have your child share genes with you, but it's weird to have your father be your child's father, the man who got your wife pregnant. A stranger would be much better.

[jbradfor]

Two thoughts....

1) I think that from her POV, you've more-or-less said you want to take a mistress. Yes, I know in your mind it's nothing like that, but I would guess that's how she sees it.

2) While I think to those of us in the west it just sounds a bit weird (sorry, I don't mean to be rude, but it does), I think there is a cultural difference here that makes your wife so upset. In the west, there is somewhat of a split between genes and offspring, in the sense that adoption is accepted and understood (by most). That is, one accepts that it is possible to have a legal offspring without any genetic component. In China (and I think most of Asia), there is no such split. Adoption is very rare, due I think mostly to the concept that it is genes that define offspring, nothing else. Hence, while you would view the child as your grandchild (viewing it legally rather than genetically), your wife would view the child as her husband's child with another woman (viewing it genetically rather then legally).

[YingTao]

I am also a Western woman and if my husband ever came to me asking to donate sperm to his own son's wife then I would be absolutely shocked. Seriously I can't understand why anyone would do that... I assume it's some strange 'passing down of genes' thing but I can't imagine being ok with giving birth to my husbands half sibling... Being ok with knowing my husband had another child that we pretended was our grandchild. This whole situation sounds absolutely bizarre. No offense. A stranger would be a billion times better. Or why not adopt a kid really?

Why would you want you child to have common genes with you if those genes made it your sibling? I can't understand his reasoning at all and if I were you I'd be glad your wife didn't either.

[roddy]

Bear in mind though that if you're in that situation your choices are either a stranger's genes, or s family members. It does seem odd to me, but I haven't been there and I suspect this has been past at least one ethics committee.

[Yang Rui]

I'm a British man, and I have to joing the chorus of people who are not Chinese and still find it weird. Maybe it's not rational, but my initial reaction is confusion, followed by the feeling that it might be a bit wrong, even though I can't quite work out why. I imagine your wife would have gone through all of these phases very intensely, plus a whole lot of other emotions.

On another note:

I have heard of people who mix the sperm of the to be father and doner.

Is this even possible? Given that an ovum can only be fertilized by a single sperm, you'd have to make one sperm out of the father's and donor's.