Kiwiguy Posted October 10, 2004 at 05:37 AM Report Posted October 10, 2004 at 05:37 AM I am have just come back from China to meet a woman I have been corresponding for 4 months. I spent 8 days in China. I love her and believe she loves me. Just before I left her sister and husband were asking when we were going to marry. I told them I did not want to make definite plans to marry as it was too soon and she must come and visit me here in New Zealand and see for herself how I live. I also do need to know the marriage is about love not just seeking a better life for her and her son. I do feel she is genuine the gut feeling she is genuine. A chinese man I know has told me Chinese woman like a definite answer. I did tell her a few times before we met that definite plans for marriage after the first meeting were not in my plan. It was to establish that we did love each and from there take things. She did indicate to me along with her sister and husband that she would like marriage. To me the relationship proper only began when we met and it was apparent there was a physical attraction between us. I am little worried as I have not heard from her since I have been back but there maybe a good reason for that. Quote
CBC Posted October 10, 2004 at 07:53 AM Report Posted October 10, 2004 at 07:53 AM I guess a single mother wants both. Quote
skylee Posted October 10, 2004 at 12:37 PM Report Posted October 10, 2004 at 12:37 PM I am curious. How did the correspondence start? Quote
roddy Posted October 10, 2004 at 12:44 PM Report Posted October 10, 2004 at 12:44 PM It's possible her family have decided they don't like the idea, and put an end to it. Also, the 'we won't get married immediately' idea probably won't have gone down too well - raises a whole load of 'what if . . .' issues. Roddy Quote
badboy Posted October 10, 2004 at 02:29 PM Report Posted October 10, 2004 at 02:29 PM Well, depends on how long he's been back too...said he "just" got back so may be too early to make assumptions. Tough situation for both sides. Neither knows for sure if the other is bluffing. Quote
Kiwiguy Posted October 10, 2004 at 02:29 PM Author Report Posted October 10, 2004 at 02:29 PM But this is stupid. I can't see anyone but a desperate fool agreeing to such demands. Marriage is a serious business and involves alot of thought and consideration especially when there are two very different cultures involved. As far as I am concerned this shows more interest in a better life than true love. If she can't accept it I am better off without her. I am looking for true love someone who accept me for who I am not how I can improve her life Quote
Kiwiguy Posted October 10, 2004 at 02:31 PM Author Report Posted October 10, 2004 at 02:31 PM The correspondence started on dating site Quote
badboy Posted October 10, 2004 at 02:42 PM Report Posted October 10, 2004 at 02:42 PM If that's the case, yes. But you also said in your initial post that you feel she is genuine. So for starters, since you haven't heard back from her yet, I'd say don't contact her at all from this point going forward, and see if she makes any attempt at all to get in touch. Quote
Quest Posted October 10, 2004 at 02:45 PM Report Posted October 10, 2004 at 02:45 PM Why dont you move to china for a longer time and get to know her? Quote
badboy Posted October 10, 2004 at 03:36 PM Report Posted October 10, 2004 at 03:36 PM If she can't accept it I am better off without her. I am looking for true love someone who accept me for who I am not how I can improve her life You mean there are women who are NOT interested in how any man can improve their lives??? Kiwi, no offense but your opinion seemed to shift dramatically over the space of 8 hours... Of course she is looking to improve her life, and you knew this already. The question is, is that the only thing she cares about? If she went to NZ, would she be employable at a decent income? Did she plan on working? If the answer to either one of those questions is no, forget it. Quote
Green Pea Posted October 11, 2004 at 01:29 AM Report Posted October 11, 2004 at 01:29 AM I think you've answered your own question, Kiwiguy. Your intuition is telling you something. It is strong enough to make you post your question here. There is nothing wrong with improving own's life. I'm trying to improve mine. She's trying to improve hers by getting married to you, and you are trying to improve yours through marriage. The question, if I'm understanding correctly, is whether she is using deception to trick you into marriage. Without knowing the details, I'd have to say that she probably is. Nothing terribly wrong with that either. Men use deception to get women into bed. Of course, getting laid vs. getting married, having an instant son, moving to NZ, and living one's life together are quite different. It's not real "deception". It's different standards. Your standard for getting married is love. Her standard, I'm assuming, is financial security, an opportunity for a father for her son, and avoiding humiliation of getting divorced once. In China, it is unlikely she'd ever have a chance to get married again. Her sister and husband know this. Her feelings might indeed be geniune. But the love you feel from her is what you can do for her and her son, not necessarily for you specifically. She might have loved you too, and just as quickly stopped loving you. I do know women in China who've gotten married for other reasons than love. They then go out and get a boyfriend. Not uncommon. Not much shame in it either. Here's my advice. 1. Do what Quest said and go back. Give it some time. 2. While in China, meet many more women. Look me up if you want, and we'll go out. 3. Check out some of those articles at www.nomarriage.com 4. Trust your intuition Good luck to you. Quote
wiz_oz Posted October 11, 2004 at 02:39 AM Report Posted October 11, 2004 at 02:39 AM My advice is to use the advice given here and elsewhere only as a guideline. To enter into a relationship is always fraught with the possibility of complications and pain but on the other hand if you do not take the risk, you will never know the possible gain. You will never never know if you never never go. (This is actually the tourism marketing theme fot the northern part of Australia but is good for other things in life as well) Your best course of action is still to make your decision based on what you make of her when together. Take your time and get to know her better (another visit or vice versa but she might not have the means to visit you unless you offer it to her) At the end, if still in doubt, don't do it. Best wishes. Quote
roddy Posted October 11, 2004 at 02:53 AM Report Posted October 11, 2004 at 02:53 AM I think what you’ve got to understand is that for many Chinese women (and Chinese women are welcome to jump in and tell me I’m wrong here) stability and security are as much a part of marriage as love and romance, and ‘arranged’ marriages ( as in via agencies / friends / family, not by parents when you are both 5 years old) are much more common than you might think, and can often happen very quickly. Even if you don’t get on, you’d be expected to do your best and get on with it for the sake of ‘family’. Bearing in mind that this woman is from a relatively small city (if I remember correctly), has a son already (which means that finding a husband will be both urgent and difficult) and the family seems to be playing a large role, I think what you are facing is a Grade 1 Classic Culture Clash – you’re both looking for different things to come out of the same relationship. Another comment (and again, Chinese single mothers from Quanzhou are welcome to shoot me down in flames) – where you are thinking ‘she’s marrying me for stability and security, not for love’, she may be thinking ‘I love him BECAUSE he’s giving me stability and security’. Quote
wiz_oz Posted October 11, 2004 at 03:37 AM Report Posted October 11, 2004 at 03:37 AM Roddy's insight can only come from somebody close to the ground. Quote
ChouDoufu Posted October 11, 2004 at 10:06 AM Report Posted October 11, 2004 at 10:06 AM You've obviously thought about this situation for a while, and you did share correspondence for some time before actually meeting. I'd try to continue looking into the relationship. Try to talk more, communicate more. Both of you need to better understand each other's cultures and the barriers that these cultures can produce. You need to make her understand that your reluctance to say, "I want to marry you," does not mean you don't care about her or want her, it just means that you need to take baby steps rather than big leaps. You also have to understand that Chinese women (in general) ARE looking for things that western women might not be looking for (security, a nice income, etc..) . In all relationships, honest communication is paramount. In a multicultural relationship you definitely have to talk more. I wish you luck!! Quote
badboy Posted October 11, 2004 at 02:37 PM Report Posted October 11, 2004 at 02:37 PM The problem is that due to the distance between them it may not be practical to take baby steps...would just take too long to decide. Going to have to be a big leap somewhere. Also the issue of sex...this will be limited, if any (assuming neither's getting some side action, and if he follows Green Pea's suggestion to meet many more women then of course he'll be tempted to get a little). I don't think he should go back to China at this point. I think he had a good point about it being her turn to see how he lives, and whether she would like NZ. If cost for her is an issue, he could buy the plane ticket. If she's not willing to go, I'd seriously question why, because really she has nothing to lose by going. Quote
Green Pea Posted October 11, 2004 at 03:34 PM Report Posted October 11, 2004 at 03:34 PM I don't think he should go back to China at this point. I think he had a good point about it being her turn to see how he lives, and whether she would like NZ. If cost for her is an issue, he could buy the plane ticket. I think I'd be like: "Yes, I'm coming back to China and going to a few different places. If I have a day, I might drop by and we can catch up..." One thing. I noticed I assumed she was divorced. That shouldn't be an assumption. I have heard stories of women not really being divorced, marrying a foreigner, then having her husband come along later. Who knows. Quote
beagle Posted October 12, 2004 at 12:36 AM Report Posted October 12, 2004 at 12:36 AM This is a very interesting situation as I am goung through a very similar situation. I have been corresponding with a young lady in China for about 5 weeks now. In that short period of time she is hounding me for a marriage date. I have her pictures, she has mine; we have sent over 60 emails; we have tried to converse over the internet (She does not speak but a very few English words so she uses an interpreter for everything); she is 34 and I am a very young 61 ; I am in the middle of a divorce which could last another 4 months. I have told her several times that 1) I will not get married in China and 2) I am not ready to set a date for anything at this time. She still asks the same question over and over. Is this a case of beat him over the head with it until he gives in? She really sounds sincere, but come on, love and marriage proposal in 5 weeks? The questions raised in the earlier posts are the same ones going through my mind. What is she really after? Marriage for security (nothing really wrong with that)? Marriage to get the visa to come to the USA? How do you know what is what in these situations? I was planning on going over to see her as soon as I am released from this marriage, but now I am wondering if it is worth the expense. Any thoughts? Quote
Quest Posted October 12, 2004 at 12:42 AM Report Posted October 12, 2004 at 12:42 AM Marriage to get the visa to come to the USA. Financial prosperity. Quote
roddy Posted October 12, 2004 at 01:13 AM Report Posted October 12, 2004 at 01:13 AM 5 weeks. . . hounding me for a marriage date. . .very few English words. . .34 . . . 61 . . . If this woman was 50 miles down the road, would you give her the time of day? Roddy Quote
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