Presentation Manuscript - Please Review

[kdavid]

I've written up an outline for a presentation. It includes introduction, kissing some butt, stating the main points, motivating the audience to take action, as well as a summary / closing remarks.

I would be greatly indebted to any feedback whatsoever anyone could provide on what's here. In particular, is the content natural and appropriate? For example, would praising one's superior as outlined here be too much, just enough, etc.? If you'd change something, how would you change it?

Thanks!

尊敬的陈总裁，何经理，各位女士们，先生们下午好！我是任大伟。我代表本公司的美国分支机构。首先我对陈总裁以及何经理表示感谢！我真诚希望我们的两个公司能持续紧密合作以及一起兴旺发达。

对于何经理讲的话，她讲的非常深刻。何经理给我们树立了一个光辉榜样。她见多识广，学富五车。我们都可以跟着她学到很多知识。

本次会议的目的是谈如何拓展本公司电子商务的这个方面。今天我想针对四个焦点。首先，我向大家介绍一下全球电子商务消费行为的调查结果。其次，按照这张曲线图，大家可以看到目前本公司跟竞争如何来相比。再次，发展电子商务的方面不仅推广本公司的品牌认知度而且还要提高销售额。最后，相对于较普遍的认知，树立电子商务部门可以帮助本公司削减开支。

*Argument support and context here*

对于实现目前的目标，我们要只争朝夕，加强落实。只要我们一起努力，我们就能取得巨大的成就。光是讲空话，是远远不够的。我们必须身体力行，为了我们的单位的未来，我们自己的成功，我们的责任必须负起来。

概括地说，关键的是本公司能够顺应时代的变化以及调整营销的粗略。我下台之前我想再次感谢陈总裁以及何经理，各位在座女士们先生们对于本次会议的大力支持。希望我们能够趁此机会交换了意见以及希望大家都不虚此行。我期待着再次见到你们。 谢谢。

[889]

The more high-sounding phrases you use to praise 何经理, the less sincere you sound; they're obviously coming from a dictionary, not your heart.

Especially since you're going to be reading from a prepared text, telling everyone how impressive you found the speech she just gave.

[Scoobyqueen]

The more high-sounding phrases you use to praise 何经理, the less sincere you sound; they're obviously coming from a dictionary, not your heart.

The way I was taught to give speeches is to use a formal language and to avoid 口语。what is wrong with using that particular phrase? I have heard Chinese people using it as well eventhough obviously they would not use it in daily life.

[Scoobyqueen]

Thanks for posting. It is always interesting to see how others write speeches. I think it reads well including the formal style. Also I think you have pressed home the point about responsibility.

I think if you pause after 首先我对陈总裁以及何经理表示感谢！the audience may clap.

I am interested in a few language points myself:

各位女士们，先生们 I seem to remember having heard you should avoid the plural ending 们. is this correct?

本次会议的目的 - can you use 目标 here too and is it better due to the negative connotation of 目的?

一起努力 - I like 不断努力 - does it work here though?

我们就能取得巨大的成就 - I thought 成就 could not really be used to refer to one's own achievements.

是远远不够的 - is there a nice chengyu that could replace this phrase?

我期待着再次见到你们 - I heard it was better to avoid 你们 in a speech, is that correct?

谢谢. Can you add 各位 to make it sound less abrupt? (I think I have heard this commonly used)

[CrisPal]

尊敬的陈总裁，何经理，各位女士们，先生们下午好！(去掉"各位")我是任大伟。我代表本公司的美国分支机构。首先我对陈总裁以及何经理表示感谢！(请允许我代表本公司的美国分支机构，对陈总裁以及何经理表示感谢!)我真诚希望我们的(去掉"的")两个公司（我真诚希望贵我两公司）能持续(持续--继续)紧密合作以及(以及--并且)一起(一起--共同)兴旺发达。

对于何经理讲的话，她讲的非常深刻。(何经理的讲话非常深刻.)何经理(此处用"她")给我们树立了一个光辉榜样。她见多识广，学富五车。我们都可以跟着她学到很多知识。(这么说并无不可，只是太过肉麻了.被拍的人恐怕坐不住了。)

(何经理的讲话思想深刻，见解独到，条理清晰，指出问题又切中要害。她给我们展示了一位博学多才的儒商的形象,我认为她不仅是我们的商务伙伴，而且是我们学习的榜样。)

本次会议的目的是谈如何拓展本公司电子商务的这个方面。(本次会议的议题是研究如何拓展本公司的电子商务.)今天我想针对四个焦点。(今天我想谈谈以下4个方面)首先，我向(我想向)大家介绍一下全球电子商务消费行为的调查结果。其次，按照(按照--根据)这张曲线图，大家可以看到目前本公司跟竞争(竞争对手?)如何来相比。("如何来相比"我不能理解是什么意思。)再次，发展电子商务的方面不仅推广本公司的品牌认知度而且还要提高销售额。(发展电子商务不仅关系到本公司的品牌认知度,还关系到销售额的提高).最后，相对于较普遍的认知，(被普遍接受的事实是?)树立(树立--设立)电子商务部门可以帮助本公司削减(削减--节省)开支。

(这里用"首先，其次，再次＂也可以，但是感觉有点学生腔,反不如直接用"第一，第二,第三＂来得干脆。)

*Argument support and context here*

对于实现目前的目标，我们要只争朝夕，加强落实。只要我们一起努力，我们就能取得巨大的成就。光是讲空话，是远远不够的。我们必须身体力行，为了我们的单位的未来，我们自己的成功，我们的责任必须负起来。

(目标已经确立。要实现这美好的愿景,我们只有埋头苦干。前人说的好，万年太久,只争朝夕。只要我们精诚合作，共同努力，就一定能造就非凡的事业，取得辉煌的成功.那是我们的事业，也是我们的责任。)

概括地说，关键的是本公司能够顺应时代的变化以及调整营销的粗略。我下台之前我想再次感谢陈总裁以及何经理，各位在座女士们先生们对于本次会议的大力支持。希望我们能够趁此机会交换了意见以及希望大家都不虚此行。我期待着再次见到你们。 谢谢。

(最后，我想说的是，在这个充满了变革的时代，最重要的是能够顺应时代的变化以及时调整营销的策略.达到社会效益的最大化和公司效益的最大化.在结束我的讲话之前，我想再次感谢陈总裁，何经理以及在座各位。感谢你们对本次会议的大力支持。希望我们能够借此机会加强沟通，彼此交流，增进友谊，携手共进。祝大家会议期间愉快。谢谢。

[889]

To my foreign ears, 光辉榜样 sounds excessive in the context of an ordinary business presentation; it's not as if this is her retirement lunch.

But then throwing out such golden phrases to Chinese colleagues may be obligated payback for all the "Why you speak Chinese better than we do" compliments thrown the foreigner's way.

[kdavid]

Thanks for all of the feedback thus far. I'm revising what I've prepared with all of these suggestions in mind.

I'll certainly post the final draft, which I'll force my wife to proof, once finished.

In the meantime, any more comments/suggestions would be very helpful.

[Mandyding]

"我下台之前" 下台may have negative meaning in chinese (be forced to step down from a postion), it can be simply changed to "最后我想-------------“

[Scoobyqueen]

I am interested in a few language points myself:

各位女士们，先生们 I seem to remember having heard you should avoid the plural ending 们. is this correct?

I recently got corrected. Somebody confirmed you have to leave the plural out. The reason being the 各位 is addressing one individual and therefore it should not be plural.

[singer]

对于何经理讲的话，她讲的非常深刻。

simply say : 何经理的讲话很深刻，很有启发性。

光辉的榜样, you are kissing the butts way too much. It's not even flattering anymore. It sounds ironic. Please save such heavy words. just say 很好的榜样。

大家可以看到目前本公司跟竞争如何来相比。

should be

大家可以看到本公司是如何应对市场竞争的。