Calling two sides of the world "home"

[xiaojiang216]

各位好，

新年快乐！

I recently returned to the US after studying for a semester in Beijing. I am currently a junior in college. I was there for about 3 and a half months, which was the longest period of time I have been there compared to two summers. I really enjoy life there, and have been seriously, yet cautiously considering working there after graduation.

The reason I say "cautiously," however, is because of what this kind of decision would mean to my family. I am very close to my family, and it was hard for them (and me initially) when I was away for almost 4 months. After all my family has done (and continues to do) for me, I cannot just pack up and leave them like that. So hopefully I can find some kind of happy medium.

But I am interested in hearing about what others feel about this subject. For those of you who are living in China permanently or for an extended period of time, how have things "worked" with you and your families (if it's not too personal of a question)? This is something that I have always wanted to ask John Pasden over at Sinosplice, but have been too shy to ask.

Thank you!!

- 小陶

[yonglin]

Ok, I don't live permanently in China, but I do live on a different continent from my parents. I have lived in a foreign country for about 7 years, and I see my parents maybe 1-2 times a year, a couple of days each time.

Sometimes I feel somewhat "guilty" with respect to my parents -- along the lines of "they put in all that effort, and I just went away". On the other hand, it's sort of their "fault" in the sense that I would never have moved away had they not brought me up to be an independent and curious person in the first place.

Trying to keep them involved and updated on my life, e.g., talking every week or so on Skype goes a long way in relieving the bad conscience. I think coming to visit me and seeing how I live, how I deal with my daily life, etc. has been very important for my mom: mundane stuff like seeing my apartment, my desk at school, the local grocery store, etc. helps her relate to and understand my life. It also makes it easier to explain my daily life over the phone. I think this is particularly true if you're in China, since China for your family may just be an abstract mass of "foreignness" and "unknown".

Actually, I think that you're thinking too much about this. Most parents are very happy to see their kids realizing their dreams. You can make sure that they understand you didn't move away because you disliked them or anything by keeping contact and visiting once in a while.

[sinosplice]

Hi, 小陶!

No need to feel shy. I get asked about this a fair amount, and I don't mind sharing. I remember struggling with this question quite a bit years ago, not about the decision to spend a few years in China (this seems quite doable to me, even though I'm close to my family, because I can still go home for visits about once a year), but about the decision to STAY in China long-term. I once wrote about this decision here:

http://www.sinosplice.com/life/archives/2004/06/23/to-stay

That was over 6 years ago. How do I feel now?

Well, it's still hard to see my family so seldom, especially as my parents age visibly. But a really important part of it is that they support my decision to follow passion. It's really hard, knowing how much my mom misses me, but I know that they support me, love my Chinese wife, and are proud of what I'm doing. I'm not sure how well I could do it if they were less supportive.

One thing that does come to mind, though, is this: what if I went to grad school in California after I graduated from college (instead of coming to China), and then found a job in California? How often would I see my family then? The sad thing is, probably not much more often than I do now. That makes me feel a little better.

This is a topic I return to again and again, and I am actively looking for ways to go back to the States more often. One thing I'm sure of, though: for me, living in China is WAY more interesting than my life would be back in the States, and I have no doubt that I'm doing the right thing.

-John

[xuefang]

I've been living in China for a year now and will continue doing so atleast the next three years or so. After that I'll decide what I wan't to do. During this year I have been back to Finland once last summer and then a week ago my mom and little brother visited me (I also have other little brother and a little sister). I would like to visit Finland twice a year but as a student I can't really afford that. And my family can't visit me often either.

Actually I wrote little bit about this to my blog recently. I have never been home sick, not even when I was a child (ok, once when I was in a hospital), so in that sense it's easier for me to be faraway from my family. Living in China was also always a dream for me and I think people should follow their dreams.

I email with my mom almost every week and I don't have any concerns about that. Harder is to be away from my sister and brothers because I'm worried our relationship will not be the same than if I would live in Finland. When I lived in Finland I visited them every month and only lived about 300km away.

I think for me being away from home is easy right now but it might get more complicated in the future if I decide to stay in China for good. What happens when my mom gets older? What about the relationship with me and my siblings? Will I become a distant aunt to their future children? Sure it's quite possible that after few years I go back to Finland atleast for some years. But you never know. And if I go back I might come back to China later. My boyfriend is Chinese so I do have ties to China too.

Xiaojiang, I understand that you are worried but I really would recommend you to follow your dreams. I did and haven't have any regrets, not even when I was in a Chinese hospital for 10 days. I really enjoy my life here and I have big plans for the future. My life would be totally different if I hadn't had the courage to come to China. Of course it's a personal decision but this is my advice

[rezaf]

I haven't been to my country for more than 4 years and I don't miss it at all. I'm too busy to get attached to places and things. Anyway I see my parents once a year somewhere on this planet every year. For sure when they get old and need me I'm gonna be there for them but until then I have lots of things that I should accomplish.

[jbradfor]

what if I went to grad school in California after I graduated from college (instead of coming to China), and then found a job in California? How often would I see my family then?

Probably about 2x a year before you have kids, 6x a year after ;)

I say that in all seriousness. One issue to consider is that should you move to China more-or-less permanently, and get married and have kids, in all likelyhood your kids will not see your parents (their grandparents) as often as if you lived closer.

I do agree with others that if you have an interest to go, and you can go, then GO. And stop thinking about it so much. But there are a lot of trade-offs in life.

[Lu]

It's a lot harder when you're really rooted in a place. I keep moving abroad, but I also keep moving back to Holland for this reason. When I left Taiwan, one reason was that I realized that I could build a life there, with friends, a job... but that I already had a life back in Holland, with friends and family and opportunities. My brothers and many of my friends also have spent quite some time abroad, so even if I had stayed I still would have not seen them for a year here or half a year there. (Now everyone seems to be settling though, buying houses, having babies, getting steady jobs.)

I got homesick the first time I spent a year abroad, but I think I got better at it by now.

If I were you I'd try and find an opportunity to stay in China for a year, or two years, to see how it works for you. After that time, see how you feel about it. Although from what you write here (and I might be wrong obviously) if four months is already very hard and you are very attached to your family, perhaps emigration is not ideal for you.

[xiaojiang216]

Many thanks to everyone for their responses! And wow, John Pasden found this thread! Hi, John ^_^

I probably am thinking about this too much, which is something that I do often. I also agree with the "try it for a year or two" approach, although it is still early to make any decisions. 走一步看一步吧！

It was hard for me to leave initially, but after a while I was fine. Just as John said, my life seems so much more interesting when I'm abroad. I really enjoyed my time there and did not get homesick. Actually, the reverse happened. When it was time to go home, I asked my parents if I could stay an extra week (my dad wasn't too happy about that at first, but he understood). Although I was able to stay just a little bit longer, it did not make it any easier to leave. I knew it wouldn't. It is always hard for me when I have to come back (to the US). So naturally, I have been pondering about this question.

I guess what I am struggling with is the so-called "guilt" that was mentioned earlier. Perhaps I am thinking more and more like a Confucian, but sometimes I feel like I need to be here for my family and care for them as they do for me. I feel like I would regret not being with them when I could. And as we all know, we cannot buy that time back. It's also hard to see how upset my mother gets when I leave or am away from home. So this is why I feel "torn" in a sense. At times I feel selfish. Perhaps I'm thinking too much about it again.

Thanks again for all of your responses. Please do share more of your thoughts and experiences if you are willing!

Sincerely,

小陶

[skylee]

Is emigration to China even an option? It seems that many people have said on these forums that permanent residency / citizenship in China is not given to non-Chinese even through marriage or long term residence in China. But maybe I am mistaken about this.

[liuzhou]

Is emigration to China even an option?

Theoretically, yes. In practice, extremely difficult.

Next week, Valentine's Day will mark the 15th anniversary of my arrival in China from the UK. I go back, on average, about once every four years, usually for a brief visit.The last time was 2007 for my son's wedding. I stayed a week.

Just before I left England in 1996, my father was taken ill. I spoke to my mother and suggested that I postpone the trip. She was adamant that I didn't. "Nothing would upset your father more than to think you gave up your plans because he had a hiccup in his." So, I went.

At first, it was difficult. The internet was no more than an unlikely rumour here in China. In fact, I was the first person in the city to be connected. I think the speed was about 1Kb a week. The phone was highly unreliable. Hard to imagine now. Only 15 years ago almost no one had a phone. Now everyone seems to have at least two.

I had to write things called letters.

I left behind two kids who were already grown up and independent, but I asked them for permission first. They laughed at me for even asking. Since then they have had their own kids and I feel guilty that I have missed my grand daughters growing up, but my daughter tells me not to worry. They are delighted to have a grandfather in China. It gives them bragging rights in school! Although one got in trouble for telling the teacher that her grandfather was Chinese. You have never seen a less Chinese looking girl in your life. But it was all explained away.

Both my kids have visited - twice each and they tell me not to come back. They too, want to see more of China and having me here helps. Either that or they just don't like me!

The darkest moment was when, after a long illness, my father finally passed away on Chinese New Year's Day, 2008. That was the year China's transport system collapsed under the joint pressure of the New Year traffic and the worst winter in living memory. I was unable to leave the city, never mind the country - so I missed my father's funeral. I did record a few words and email them to my brother who arranged for them to be played at the funeral, but... Of course, I knew the time the family were gathering to say goodbye and I sat here, trapped in Guangxi and wept like a baby. I still feel guilty, but there was nothing I could do and my family know that and accept it better than I do.

I am close to my family. We just don't need to see each other all the time. I spent years living in London, with my sister only a couple of miles away. We seldom saw each other. But we knew we were there for each other if we needed. In the meantime, we respect each other's lives.

In October 2010, my son and his wife came to visit. I met my newest, two-year-old grand-daughter at Guilin Airport. She looked at me and said "Hello, Granddad!"

I live where I have to. She lives where she has to. And we are together. Family isn't geography.

[Lu]

I used 'emigration' in the broader meaning of 'moving to another country with no intention of coming back any time soon', but I suppose that's a bit to loose a use.

Liuzhou, beautifully spoken.