How to decline hugging politely

[skylee]

First my consultant wanted to hug me when we met. Well she is a woman and we had worked together for a while, so it was kind of ok, though I did not like it. So we hugged. Now she hugs me every time she comes here.

Then today these two guys did these farewell hugs. I actually offered to shake their hands when we said goodbye. But holding my right hand they hugged me politely, saying that it was good to work with me that kind of stuff. But I didn't like it. Is there any way to politely avoid or decline such hugging?

I mean I was there because it was my work. And I think handshakes are more than enough.

These people were originally from Europe, though two of them now live in Australia. Is it a European thing? Americans and British that I worked with did not seem to like to do this.

[anonymoose]

Just sneeze loudly and tell them you have a cold.

[sleepy eyes]

I believe you've been thug-hugged, skylee. ^_^

The italian part of my family is hugging-prone, but it's family. I don't know if there are parts of Europe where this is so prevalent. I'm brazilian and even for me those seem like a couple of awkward situations for hugging, though I doubt I'd feel particularly awkward about it. As to your question, I don't know about polite, but I don't see any unakward solutions. Maybe standing behind a desk while offering a handshake and see if they figure what you mean? If it really bothers you, I guess you'll have to say it upfront. I'm sure they'll understand from a cultural differences standpoint.

[salsab]

I am American and I'm wondering- is hugging not acceptable in Chinese culture? or is it just not common?

[Shelley]

Hello,

This seems very awkward, all I think you can do is as suggested before, stay out of hugging range, behind a chair or desk as suggested. Or just take a big step back as you see the hugging start. Although I agree that if all this fails you should just say something, I am not sure what to say. I would find it very unpleasant having work people hugging me, it could be considered a violation of your person at some work places. Here in the UK hugging is usually reseved for very good friends and family. Even then some hug and some don't :mellow:

It would be interesting to hear what other people might say to stop the hugging ;)

Good luck

Shelley

[Iriya]

This is very common in Russia and other Slavic countries.

[gato]

At least they are not kissing you.

I'm brazilian and even for me those seem like a couple of awkward situations for hugging,

I thought Brazilians hugged.

[skylee]

I am American and I'm wondering- is hugging not acceptable in Chinese culture? or is it just not common?

I hardly hug my family. I am not sure about other Chinese people.

Do Americans hug people who they have worked with for 5-6 days in a conference room?

[Yang Rui]

I come from the UK and am therefore genetically socially awkward in these situations, so I do sympathise. The way I deal with it is just to give in and allow myself to be hugged. After a while of doing this it is possible to gain enough confidence to escalate the situation and try and out-hug the opposition, though this might not be advisable for girls.

The other alternative is to do as suggested and engineer it so that there is a physical impediment to bodily contact, but I think these attempts will be quite transparent. Also, if you are politely seeing someone out of the office and into a lift/elevator lobby where there is no furniture, I don't see how it can be avoided if the other party is intent on hugging you.

I guess you could pretend to be in an incredible hurry, and try and take real control of the situation, stick out your hand very firmly and confidently and far away from your body, shake hands and run off - sometimes these situations are about who is in control so if you take control of things right from the start they might just follow your lead when it comes to saying goodbye. But then you do come across these people who insist on being physically dominating, and as it's not part of Chinese culture (as far as I can see) to try and physically dominate business partners, I'm not sure there's anything you can do.

I do think it's a bit insensitive of these consultants to go around hugging people from another country, without even considering that it might make you uncomfortable.

[anonymoose]

Stick a football under your blouse so that it looks like you are heavily pregnant. Then they will probably not hug you, and if they do, at least you will still have a physical barrier maintaining some distance.

[crazy-meiguoren]

There is no good way to decline a hug, especially when the hugger is totally bent on hugging the huggee.

I didn't see any encouraging signs when Googling "how do you politely decline a hug". The top rated answers on Yahoo can be summarized as Get over it, love is not just for family and close friends.

The risk is that you may end up being viewed as a "cold fish". It's a risk that you take if you feel like you're being cornered into taking actions that you are not comfortable with.

Still, if they cannot accept your boundaries, it's not about you. It's about them.

Do Americans hug people who they have worked with for 5-6 days in a conference room?

Overwhewlmingly, no. Unwanted advances in the workplace can be the basis for a sexual harassment complaint.

Even the married couple in my department saves the PDA for off-hours.

The only times anyone have reached out to hug me were during exceptional occasions: the birth of a child, the death of a family member, and leaving a job.

ETA: additional clarifying comments.

[jbradfor]

Stick a football under your blouse so that it looks like you are heavily pregnant.

This, of course, works only if you don't see the consultant for at least 3-4 months.

[crazy-meiguoren]

Stick a football under your blouse so that it looks like you are heavily pregnant.

A pillow might be more comfortable. It was Barbra Streisand's prop of choice in Funny Girl.

[rezaf]

I remember a few years back when my (Chinese) wife and I were just friends I politely tried to hug her after a gathering with friends (not for being liu mang) but she quickly stepped back and I nearly fell on the ground. This might work for you as well.

[c_redman]

Do Americans hug people who they have worked with for 5-6 days in a conference room?

In my experience, only if they are close friends outside of work. Even then, it's just when first meeting them after a long absence or when saying goodbye for a long while. And it's pretty rare between two guys, outside of college drinking buddies. All this may vary somewhat between region and ethnicity.

If I don't want to hug someone back, I just turn sideways and give a one-armed hug.

[gougou]

I've never seen that before. I love hugging my friends, but people better keep their distance in a work setting!

Definitely do the step back - if they are interfering with your private space, worrying about their hurt feelings shouldn't be too high a priority. There is no inherently polite way anyway - people that are intent on hugging you will be hurt by whatever you do to avert it, and people that don't insist on hugging you will accept any countermeasures you might take...

[abcdefg]

Step back and say something like "Sorry, we don't hug in China." Make it a "cultural difference" thing instead of an "I don't like you" thing.

[Meng Lelan]

Strike a kungfu stance to thwart hug attacks.

[Brian US]

In America a man is suppose to stand to shake hands where a woman may sit. Maybe if everyone is leaving the room you can take your time packing your things. Throw out a hand while sitting and I doubt someone will go in for the hug.

[Scoobyqueen]

In Europe this varies across countries. Some countries like Denmark and the Netherlands tend to hug a lot whilst others just kiss, some one kiss (UK - older generation), some two (eg French) and some three (Dutch) and obviously the handshake is common too. However, given this variation in Europe, you might be able use this information to your advantage if you say "right, do we now do the greeting the French way, the English way or just the normal safe business way with the hand" and then smile charmingly). They probably need to think about that and will just continue with the handshake just because they are thrown off course.

The abcedefg suggestion by the way is also good. That will work too.

PS: I might hug someone I feel comfortable with and whose work I really appreciate. This might be a compliment that they hug you by the way. However, considering you are quite well travelled, they will assume you are culturally well versed and not "typical Chinese".