"I am busy" Rude or typical in China

[YinKeCheng]

So. I message this girl and half time I get "back I am busy", or "can't talk now". But I notice a minute later that my roommate about 65% of the time (Chinese guy, the girl is also Chinese, I am a French exchange student) is qq'ing with her (typing back and fourth a lot and sometimes even voicing). But they don't talk about anything important most of the time just joking things.

I basically assume that she just doesn't like to talk to me, but I am just wondering it that is something common amongst Chinese. Like, she knows I am in the room with him and that I can turn around and see his screen, so it seems kinda rude to me, that she would just lie that like... I am wondering, is something that considered rude or is it a common thing among Chinese? I know in France people don't do that, but what about China?

Thanks! (We are all 20) (Also, I always get "wow your English is impressive"... My dad is an America, mom is French, so I've been learning English since i was 2 and did throughout high school; I even spent 2 years as an exchange in America for my last 2 years of high school)

You can reply in English, French or Chinese...

[imron]

Seems to me she is busy.... chatting to your flatmate

[Kenny同志]

My impression is that she didn’t mean to be rude though she did appear kind of rude to you (and me as well). This is, perhaps, because she couldn’t come up with a better excuse.

The expression “I am busy” is often used as an excuse to avoid somebody or something.

PS: This is not typical of all Chinese because any thoughtful man would never do that.

[skylee]

I agree with imron. She is indeed busy chatting with your roommate. I think it is either (a) the roommate is more important than you; OR (b ) you two are of equal (un)importance and she just chats with the one who has started chatting with her first.

In my opinion, it would be rude if someone tells you directly that s/he does not like you or want to chat with you. Declining to interact with you using some excuses to make you stop approaching him/her eventually is not rude at all.

[rob07]

Yes, this is very common in France. It can also happen in Turkey, Atlantis, Prague, ancient Greece and China.

[Guoke]

Did they have QQ in ancient Greece and China? :huh:

[edelweis]

@rob07 true it can happen in many countries.

But what Skylee explained is actually the custom of giving face. (In China) saying outright to someone that you don't like them or that you don't want to hang out with them causes that someone to lose face. Invoking some excuse has the same meaning ("no") but saves face since you are not refusing directly.

I think in western countries it's more "I don't dare say no outright" rather than "I have been taught that saying no outright is impolite".

Perhaps what the OP thinks is rude is the fact that the invoked excuse seems to be an obvious lie. For Westerners, lying is rude - an obvious lie is extremely rude.

But probably perhaps for the Chinese if the excuse was verifiably true, the person being refused could reiterate the demand later. Whereas if the invoked excuse is obviously false or ridiculous, it gives face while at the same time expressing a strong refusal.

Or perhaps an obvious lie is also rude in China, but seems less rude than an outright refusal. I really don't know.

(perhaps I'm overthinking the whole thing, but you have to take into account some cultural differences at some point).

(edited as it sounded too certain while I'm really guessing)

[blackmeow]

edelweis is right, this custom comes along with saving face.

she does not really wish to talk to u(could be many different reasons for that), but she doesn't wish to insult u. so the answear will be 'i'm busy right now.'

if you want to be that girl's boyfriend, then keep trying. if u just want to make her u new friend, then froget about it. there are so many chinese, find somebody else who is interested about talking to u.

:rolleyes:

[abcdefg]

The rough translation of "I am busy" is "Go away." You need to find a different girl.

[imron]

is the fact that the invoked excuse seems to be an obvious lie

How is it an obvious lie? The OP explicitly mentioned that 65% of the time he knew she was doing something else (i.e. chatting to his room mate), should she be expected to stop chatting/voicing with her other friends to speak to the OP?

It seems to me the real problem is the OP doesn't like the fact that this friend seems to like his roommate more than she likes him.

[rob07]

It may not have been obvious to this girl that the OP reads his room-mate's QQ chat, forms a judgment on how "important" it is, and quantifies in percentage terms the amount of time they spend chatting. This could be considered rude or worse.

[edelweis]

@imron I don't know whether it is a lie, obvious or subtle, hence keyword "seems". I meant "feels to the OP like an obvious lie" and should have abstained entirely from debating on the possible additional meanings of an excuse being verifiable or not...

And you are right that "chatting with someone else" can qualify as "being busy" unless she specifically wrote untrue details about what kept her busy.

@rob07 good point. Although we don't know whether it is not in fact the roommate that calls the OP to show him something on his computer, and/or talks loudly in the mike ;)

[blackmeow]

rob07：

the point is: u want to chat with someone, and she refuses, how could anyone thinks this action is rude?

it is like doing business: u want something from me, and i don't want to sell by telling u 'sorry this is under order by someone else.' which in fact no-one has ordered. can u say that i am rude to u? i own that thing, i don't want to give u and i don't want to make u looks bad. this is not rude.

[imron]

this is not rude.

It's not particularly good business either ;)

[jingshen]

The French guy complains about the impoliteness of...a Chinese girl. Hilarious:globalization is juicy.

[sujisol]

This kind of situation can gnaw away at your peace of mind. Try to transfer living quarters. Get a good pair of ear plugs, and blinders so that you don't have to deal with them. Smile and nod your head in approval a lot with them, but be opaque in your conversations. Deal with them on a case by case basis. Make other friends.

.....Even Mark Zukerberg got this from women. So don't feel so bad. When you get to be a VIP there will be much more important things going on in your life. And at that time when you say "I'm busy" there will be some weight to the phrase!

[sujisol]

P.S. See what other people have to say about her. Perhaps you are missing something good about her personality, or you might find stuff that would further put you off. Maybe she's just practicing her Shanghai surprise on you, so that you should be very careful around her.

[Scoobyqueen]

When Chinese people call you, they often ask you "are you busy?"

[wedge]

So "half time" she can't talk implies that 50% of the time, she does talk to you. She is only qq'ing with your roommate "65% of the time."

He only gets (.65)(.5)= 33% of her time! Seems to me like you may be making a mountain out of a molehill.

[Hugh]

I don't really see how this is related to China, particularly. People all over the world behave exactly like this, for fairly understandable reasons. I don't think her being Chinese explains it in any way.