Meeting My Shanghainese In-laws and the rest of the family

[rezaf]

Under the pressure I cook but I only can cook Chinese food. Anyway I have took them to Iranian, Lebanese, Turkish, Spanish, Mexican,Italian ,... restaurants in Dubai and they always complain how the foreign food is disgusting from the beginning to the end.

In Iran the word for the husband that I have become is much stronger than 妻管嚴。 <_<

[gato]

It's called "whipped". There's also a more naughty version of that.

[rezaf]

Anyway is it really true that the Shanghainese men are whipped or is it just waidiren making jokes about them? Personally I have seen quite a few but I don't know many Shanghainese men to judge.

[XuAshe]

Thanks for all the responses so far! ^_^

I am going to start learning Mandarin in the fall formally, and I might see if I can start and get some lessons from one of the people that were witnesses at our wedding. This same man suggested that my husband give me a sort of shortened version of my name. I kept my last name for the time being so he suggested: Ha AiLi or something of this fashion.

As for my chopsticks, my husband always scolds me when I point with them, so I am learning not to do that. As for everything else, I watch all the Chinese people I work with when they eat.

Ah and my husband wants us to have a small wedding ceremony for his parents while we are in China; how much different are Chinese weddings from Western ones?

Is there anything else I should know?

[rezaf]

Chinese weddings in big cities are usually very boring big dinner parties in big hotels. The only special thing about them is that the bride and groom should change their clothes three or four times during the ceremony. The good thing about them is that people who come should bring money in red envelopes but the bad thing about them is that you should give the money back to them when they or their children get married.

[skylee]

The good thing about them is that people who come should bring money in red envelopes but the bad thing about them is that you should give the money back to them when they or their children get married.

Aren't these the same as/similar to weddings in other places? It is simply giving gifts (money or other gifts) to the wedding couple. Or perhaps in some other countries people don't give gifts to the newly weds when they go to a wedding banquet?

[anonymoose]

You give a gift if you attend their wedding, but it's not necessary when they drop a sprog. And many people these day pop sprogs out without being married.

[rezaf]

In my country it's mostly gifts or jewlery for the bride but they seldom give money. Personally I prefer the money because it can be directly used for the costs of the wedding.

[zhongwei]

hehe, yes, you are so chinese, you know 妻管嚴, but it should be 妻管严，the "嚴" is not so widely used. do you know exactly its meaning?

[xianhua]

Aren't these the same as/similar to weddings in other places?

The difference being that, in my experience, a book is kept of everyone who has paid and the amount, and as rezaf mentioned, it will be expected back in the future. The problem comes when you emigrate and then have to keep asking your in-laws to pay for various weddings of people they have never met.

[xiaocai]

hehe, yes, you are so chinese, you know 妻管嚴, but it should be 妻管严，the "嚴" is not so widely used. do you know exactly its meaning?

I think it is okay to use traditional Chinese here, no? And I guess he, as someone who's married a Shanghainese wife, knows what it means quite well.

[jbradfor]

a small wedding ceremony

Has there ever been such a thing in the history of China?

Ask you husband what he has in mind. While it is true that the "classic" Chinese wedding is a huge banquet (huge both in number of guests and in the amount of food served -- 10+ dishes is typical), there are variations. For example, a common tradition is to serve tea to your new in-laws as they welcome you to the family. [Common outside the mainland (e.g. in Hong Kong, overseas), not sure how common it is now in the mainland.]

Personally, unless your husband's family is poor, I would insist on a traditional Chinese banquet. You'll get to go shopping for some fancy new dresses, you'll get to attend a great banquet that traditionally should be paid for by the groom's parents (not sure how it's done now), and you'll get a load of cash. What's not to love? ;)

the "嚴" is not so widely used.

It's used quite widely outside the mainland. Keep in mind that this is an international group, and we know / discuss topics beyond the mainland.

[rezaf]

do you know exactly its meaning?

unfortunately yes

Has there ever been such a thing in the history of China?

Don't think so. At least not in the big cities. In Shanghai normally people spend at least 100000 RMB for the ceremony. In the worst case scenario they can use the hongbaos to cover some part of the costs.

and you'll get a load of cash

Speaking of the Chinese customs (I know that it's too late) but you could also ask for a betrothal gift which in Shanghai is normally around 100000~200000 RMB. B) and you should use some of it for buying new furniture.

I think it's so good for a girl to get married in China, especially to a Shanghainese man, as nearly all the customs are against the broom's family and nowadays after marriage girls don't even need to do the housework anymore.

[vecna]

I'll chip in, based on some experience in studying Mandarin and being married to a speaker of it. Our sexes are reversed from your situation, but there are some insights worth passing along.

My in-laws were aghast that their daughter/sister was dating a foreigner. However, I bided my time, and after a few years and after she turned thirty still dating me, the resistance crumbled. For the non-favoring grandparents in your case, they face a fait accompli. They must accept this and get used to it. You can make it easier, with much of the advice elsewhere here already.

Thinking about picking up some Chinese between now and then.... Here's what I would do. In this excursion speaking with the in-laws is what matters. All the other stuff, like directions, immigration and custoims, and changing money, that's all stuff for your husband to worry about. For you, for these coming encounters, you need to make a list of points for communication. This includes two areas:

1. Vocabulary. For food, familial relationships, jobs, furniture, likes and dislikes. Also to describe your family and how you too met. Have your husband pick some pictures to bring, and practice discussing these.

2. Types of things to say: ways to show agreement, ways to praise clothes/hair/appearance/food/cooking/household good, ways to extend conversations (in English we say things like "what makes you say that?" or "so what you're saying is..."), ways to seek clarification ("so what you're saying is...", etc.), ways to keep people talking (always a good tack with in-laws), etc.

That sounds like a lot, but it will pay immense dividends when you visit. You will, after all, tend to cover the same subjects with everyone you talk to.

Looking back over this, I know it sounds like a very clinical, cerebral way to approach this, but it paid immense dividends in my experience. Winging it does not.

Something else comes to mind. Generally speaking, Chinese people like stability. Any anecdotes you share (or make up) about how you kept working at things through thick and thin (maybe in response to parental directives) to overcome adversity would also contribute to the impression you want.

Good luck and keep us posted!

[XuAshe]

You guys are a great help so far!

His parents are completely fine with me, even though they haven't met me yet, haha.

His grandparents are the ones having trouble, but I should be okay. I am just hoping my Chinese is good enough that I don't have to cling to my husband the whole summer we're in China.

[jbradfor]

rezaf, thoughts on how clingy Shanghai wives are? XuAshe, if you do cling, maybe you'll just be going native.

[rezaf]

Shanghainese women are not clingy but they can use their evil 撒娇 techniques to make their men cling to them. It takes ages to learn these techniques and I don't think that western girls can learn them easily. Anyway xuashe just be yourself and don't try to change yourself too much. In my experience the reason behind many intercultural marriages is that we don't really like someone of our own culture and are looking for something new, which might be the reason that your husband has married you not a Shanghainese girl and At the end it's his decision about you which is important not what his grandparents think. The problem with them can be easily solved by giving them some gifts as formality.

[anonymoose]

Learning Mandarin is a good start, but be prepared that commication with the grandparents might be difficult if they only speak Shanghainese.

[xiaocai]

Under the pressure I cook but I only can cook Chinese food. Anyway I have took them to Iranian, Lebanese, Turkish, Spanish, Mexican,Italian ,... restaurants in Dubai and they always complain how the foreign food is disgusting from the beginning to the end.

What a shame. Mediterranean food is one of my favourite, and is incredibly difficult to find at my home town. I guess it is more appealing to people who prefer strong flavours, but most of those from Shanghai, especially the older generations are not in this group.

[rezaf]

My Father-in-law only likes very hot 山东菜 and 四川菜 because I think his father was originally from Shandong. It's not just the foreign food that he doesn't like, he doesn't like 上海菜 and 广东菜 either。When we are with him, he sometimes cooks for us because he can't bear what I cook. I also can't bear what he cooks because one drop of it is enough to give me a runny nose, but I have no choice but to finish it :blink:

Hopefully the OP won't have this problem as the original Shanghainese people usually don't cook very spicy food.