Foreign marriage and inter-familial relationships

[歐博思]

I am dating a Korean girl. While this sounds like it doesn't belong in this category, it can relate to some board members' experience with (a) Chinese women significant other so bare with me for a second.

We aren't to a point in our relationship where we can think of marriage yet, but we have a good relationship. Her English is very good, and it is how we talk everyday. I don't know Korean. I am willing to learn but I wish to learn Chinese very well first and then study Korean. Problem is--- her family members aren't very good at English, and my family knows nothing but English and has no desire to learn anything else. I believe I can learn Korean, but how could our families have any meaningful relation??

Any board members here that have married into families where your spouse is from a place that speaks a foreign language? How are things working out for you?

[jbradfor]

so bare with me for a second.

I hope you don't object if I keep my clothing on while I reply.

Are you asking about your relationship with your potential future in-laws, your your family's relationship with your potential future in-laws? I assume it's the latter.

Given the situation, I would expect that no, your family and her family would have little to no relationship. I would expect that unless people behave poorly (and I see no reason why they would, but there are always some that do) you could have occasional joint celebrations together, but I wouldn't expect a lot of interaction.

[i know you didn't ask this, but my personal opinion is now that you have a Korean GF, drop Chinese and learn Korean. If you two do stay together, the more you know the better. If you don't, now's a good chance to get free language lessons from a native speaker.]

t can relate to some board members' experience with Chinese women

I would expect it could relate to experience with Chinese SOs, female or male.

[Meng Lelan]

I hope you don't object if I keep my clothing on while I reply.

jbradfor, I thought you were going disrobe for the upcoming Men of Chinese Forums pin up calendar. Guess not.

As for the OP - try to do some Chinese and Korean studying. A lot of Koreans are getting into the learn-Chinese-craze. If both are not possible then do Korean because you need it for good family relationships.

[rezaf]

My father-in-law and my parents have no relationship and they don't seem to have any problems. Whenever they want to say "Happy new year" my wife and I can translate for them. It's not your family that you should be worried about, "You" should learn some basic Korean as soon as you can.

[xianhua]

Since my family and in-laws live 4000 miles apart, they have never had reason to have any meaningful relationship. The odd greeting conveyed through the offspring is sufficient. Whilst I'm sure your partner's English is excellent, it would be worth considering the gap between East-Asian speakers and natives is sizeable, and you will probably never be able to use English in the same way you would do with a a native.

[jbradfor]

jbradfor, I thought you were going disrobe for the upcoming Men of Chinese Forums pin up calendar. Guess not.

roddy hasn't asked me yet. Even without ever having seen a picture of me, he must somehow know that I would bring down the quality.

[amandagmu]

Well, my family (in U.S.) still hasn't met my husband's family (in Spain). They also have an ocean in between, although I plan to have my parents visit Spain in the future since his parents don't travel outside the country hardly ever (visiting us in Germany is like a whole ordeal for them!). We just got married a little over a year ago and they "communicate" with each other but doing the niceties around the holidays (e.g. card and package sending) and whenever we're visiting his parents or mine we make sure to Skype on numerous occasions with the family members around. Both families are open to learning a few words in each other's language (e.g. "Hello! Happy New Year!" etc) but that's about it. I have never really thought much about it, probably because we're all so far away from each other most of the year.

Look at the bright side: my mother can't really complain about my mother-in-law (and vice versa) because they can't communicate with one another. Less stupid family gossip has always been a plus in my book! :-)

[jasoninchina]

I read your other post and was wondering how long you had been studying Chinese. I guess 3 years would be the answer? I was going to suggest switching over to Korean but that seems silly if you've put 3 years into Chinese. I'll try to comment on both of your posts here.

Regarding family, the unavoidable truth is that neither side will likely learn the others language. My wifes family will never speak english and my family will never speak chinese, and thats ok. There are more ways to share a relationship than with verbal communication. If they live in seperate countries it won't be much concern anyways.

As far as learning Chinese and Korean simutaneously, i think it is very possible but requires hard work. It sounded like you were on an intermediate level with Chinese. If thats true, I would say you're definately able to add in another language. Those are two of the hardest languages and there's not a whole lots of similarities beyond a few words here and there, so you really have your work cut out for you.

The other thing I should mention is that you may not get a lot of help from your girlfriend. My wife and i have been together for 7 years (4 married) and she has only recently begun to interact with my at all in Chinese (mainly because my chinese has reached an intermediate level). If you and your girlfriend happen to still be in the phase of your relationship where you can teach each other things, I would take advantage of that. There will come a day when you would rather rip your hair out than teach your spouse something. :-)

[歐博思]

clothes on or off I appreciate the replies. hahah

It is indeed about the two families relationship. Those of you already married, how did you have the wedding? One official and another ceremony in opposite country for their family? Other than the ceremony(ies) I suppose this kind of relationship wouldn't be too bad.

Jason: she still likes to teach me new words sometimes. *sometimes* hahaaha.

[jbradfor]

For us it was easy, as our families live close to each other. So we had a western-style wedding ceremony in the afternoon, and a Chinese banquet in the evening of the same day.

In the case of families being far apart, which I assume is your case, yes, your guess is correct. Most couples have a western-style wedding for the westerner's side, and then some other time (usually later) have the Asian traditional wedding for the Asian-er's side.

I know an Indian couple that lives in the USA, but their families are back in India. And their families come from rather different cultures. So what they did was to have a western-style wedding in the US for their friends (and close family), and sign their wedding certificate then, and then go to India and have two additional ceremonies, one based on his culture's traditions, and one based on her culture's traditions.

Note that in China, at least, the legal marriage certificate is considered somewhat of a formality. It is often the wedding banquet that indicates to society that they are married. So it's not unheard of to sign the marriage certificate some significant time before or after the wedding banquet. I'm not sure if it's the same in Korea, but I bring this up to point out that for western-Chinese couples at least, not getting a Chinese marriage license is not a big deal, as long as you have the wedding banquet.

[amandagmu]

Well we did a super simple wedding... on the beach in California with 12 friends+ my parents, followed by winery and BBQ with more people. Then we did an all-day meal and hanging out with his family in Spain about 4 months later. Of course, what flies in the US and Spain does not always work with Chinese or Korean families!

[rezaf]

Of course, what flies in the US and Spain does not always work with Chinese or Korean families!

I don't know much about korea but in big cities a very big wedding (for giving face) is important for Chinese people. As my mother-in-law had requested I had a relatively big wedding in Dubai with my family and my in-laws, then a small get together and dinner here in Shanghai for my wife's family. At first I wanted to have the ceremony in Shanghai as my mother-in-law was very sick but my mother-in-law thought that the ceremony should be in my hometown. (Dubai is not my hometown but it's close!)

As far as I have heard Koreans are even more strict in terms of customs and expectations from you as their future son-in-law, so first learn about these things first and see if you can handle them then go for the wedding because it might be very costly. ( again I don't know much about Koreans.)