Help needed for a Poetic Attempt !

[HashiriKata]

OK, I translated the song below but I’m not happy with it and want to make it a bit more poetic. Can I have some comments and help from you guys?

In the translation, I overrode the Chinese original a little, except for the word 在 in

我不知对你在说些什么, which I genuinely don’t understand. Can someone please explain it ?

Here we go:

星空 Starlit Sky

(许巍)

秋天的风 吹过 原野 The autumn wind blew through the open fields

无尽的星空多灿烂 Making the boundless sky all the more majestic

就在那分手的夜晚 On the night when we said goodbye

你曾这样轻声告诉我 You softly told me this:

无论相距有多遥远 No matter how far the distance is

只要我轻声呼唤你 I only need to whisper your name

你会放下一切到我身边 You will leave everything to be by my side

我的姑娘 My sweetheart!

我的姑娘 My sweetheart!

我不知对你在说些什么 I don’t know what I should say to you

也不在乎它的真假 I don’t care if it’s true or false

只是将你轻轻拥在我怀里 So that I can have you in my arms

仰望着蓝色的星空 Watching the blue starlit sky.

只是将你轻轻拥在我怀里 So that I can have you in my arms

倾听着风的声音 Listening to the sound of the wind.

只是将你轻轻拥在我怀里 So that I can have you in my arms

我的姑娘 My sweetheart!

Thanks,

[florazheng]

你翻译得好哦~

不过如果是我, 下面的句子或短语我会用这些词。不过我的英语不好，请各位多多指教，下面的词可以吗？

只要我轻声呼唤你 If I call you gentlely

原野plain

秋天的风 autumnal wind

我的姑娘 my lassie

无尽的星空多灿烂 How splendid the boundless starry sky is

[HashiriKata]

Thank you florazheng, you suggestions sound very good to me (but I’ll leave the editing until the end, hoping for more suggestions to come).

English is not my native and Chinese is a new language to me, so

请大家多多指教！

Cheers,

[gato]

This is fun. I made some changes to be closer to the original Chinese and others to make the English somewhat more fluid. Ultimately, the wording will have to depend on the music, if any, that accompanies the song.

What's this about "I don’t care if it’s true or false"? Anything to get the girl? Outrageous. Maybe "my sweatheart" should be simply "my girl" as in the original -- to be more faithful, so to speak. ("Lassie" is not really used nowadays, possibly because of that famous dog.)

星空 Starry Sky

秋天的风 吹过 原野 The autumn wind blowing through the open fields

无尽的星空多灿烂 The wide starry sky so bright

就在那分手的夜晚 When we said goodbye that night

无论相距有多遥远 No matter how far you are

你会放下一切到我身边 And you will leave everything to be by my side

我不知对你在说些什么 I don’t know what I was saying to you

只是将你轻轻拥在我怀里 Only to hold you softly in my arms

仰望着蓝色的星空 Peering into the blue starry sky.

---------------

The autumn wind blew through the open fields

The wide starry sky so bright

When we said goodbye that night

You softly told me this:

No matter how far you are,

I only need to whisper your name,

And you will leave everything to be by my side.

My sweetheart!

My sweetheart!

I don’t know what I was saying to you.

I don’t care if it was true or false.

Only to hold you softly in my arms,

Peering into the blue starry sky.

Only to hold you softly in my arms,

Listening to the sound of the wind.

Only to hold you softly in my arms.

My sweetheart!

[HashiriKata]

What's this about "I don’t care if it’s true or false"? Anything to get the girl? Outrageous.

Be a bit more romantic, gato!

I like the changes you've made. You've also answered my query about

我不知对你在说些什么 with your translation of this sentence.

Cheers,

HK

[HashiriKata]

Hi everyone,

I'm very happy with the help received so far, and this has reminded me of something else: a member of this board has once asked me to help with her translation of a poem but I couldn't help at all because it was out of my depth. So could you please forget the song above and have a look at the poem quoted below (with her translation included), and see if you could help improving the translation? This will be much appreciated.

NB: I'm doing this on behalf of someone else, so only nice & constructive comments please, unless you want me to be killed!

似是故人来 (林夕)

同是过路，同作过梦，本应是一对。

人在少年梦中不觉醒后要归去。

三餐一宿也共一双到底会是谁？

但凡未得到，但凡是过去，总是最登对。

We shared the road, we shared the dream

We should have been a couple some day.

In our youth, in our dreamy days,

we did not notice that you would go away

after we were both awake.

Three meals a day, one house to stay,

who one earth will share with me to make a pair?

All the un catchable, all the past,

are well matched in my brain.

台下你望，台上我做，你想做的戏。

前事故人忘忧的你，可曾记得起？

欢喜伤悲，老病生死，算不上传奇。

恨台上卿卿，或台下我我，不是我跟你。

Under the stage

you watch me on the stage

acting in a opera in which you want to play.

My love forgotten all the pain,

have you ever remembered:

Gladness, sadness, consenescence, illness, life and death,

can not be accounted for elements of romance.

I regred that

pairs on the stage, couples under the stage

were the roles would never in the reality

for you and me to play.

俗尘渺渺，天意茫茫，将你共我分开，

断肠字点点，风雨声绵绵，似是故人来。

The world is uncertain and the heavens' will is vague,

make us break away.

Heartbreaking words letter by letter

Wind and rain hail by hail,

Just as if you were coming back once more.

何日再在何地再聚，说今夜真暖。

无份有缘，回忆不断，生命却苦短。

一种相思，两段苦恋，半生说没完，

在年月深渊，望明月远远，想像你幽怨。

Some day,somewhere we would reunite,

saying"How warm is the night!"

We had the luck to love but not to get marry,

leaving lots of memories in our bitter and short life.

One lovesickness and two bitter love stories

were in tangle in almost half of my life.

In the deep deep abyss of time,

watch the moon far far in the sky,

I can imagine the bitterness you hide.

留下你，或留下我在世间上终老，

离别以前未知相对当日那么好。

执子之手，却又分手，爱得有或无？

十年后双双，万年后对对，只恨看不到。

Who knows whether to leave you or me to spand the remaining years till death.

Before we were apart,we hadn't known staying together was how wonderful.

Held your hands the broken up again,

I doublt the love we had.

Pairs after ten years, couples after ten thousand years

can't be seen, I regred.

Thanks in advance,

HK

[xiaocai]

鉴于我的英文水平，不能给您什么有用的帮助。

但是，总的来说，我感觉翻译太生硬了一些。比如“十年后双双，万年后对对”中，“十年”和“万年”都是虚指的，并不是“ten years”和“ten thousand years”那么具体的数字，只是概念上的时间长短。

还有例如：“三餐一宿”，“俗尘渺渺，天意茫茫”等等，也有这种感觉。

顺便讲一下一种中文古文中的一种修辞格，称为“互文”。就如“恨台上卿卿，或台下我我”，用通常的语序来讲，就是“恨台上台下卿卿我我”；同样的，“十年后双双，万年后对对”，就应该是“十年万年后的双双对对”。这种手法在现代文学中已经很少见，不过歌词里面却用得不少。

此外，这首歌是广东话歌词，有些地方不我太看得懂，还是留待高人作答吧。

[HashiriKata]

Thank you xiaocai,

Comments like yours and suggested corrections of the translation are both helpful and much appreciated.

[florazheng]

哇！HashiriKata，我发现你的中文和英文都很好哦，看到你说你的母语不是中文也不是英文让我有点吃惊。

我发现你注意到歌词的押韵了，中文原词最后一个字是押韵的，你在翻译中也尽量保持了歌曲的特点。真厉害。

[HashiriKata]

Thank you for the compliments, florazheng!

But if you're referring to the 2nd translation, it's not my work. I'm only trying to gather some help for another member (who thought that I could help but I couldn't at all! )

Any more suggestions, please?